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Original poster

Ex prioritising new gf at Christmas!

114 replies

Lou55xxx · 19/12/2022 08:33

I've been split from my ex for 3 years & the first two christmases we spent as a family opening presents together as it's what's best for our kids. They have a lovely time (5 & 8). We coparent well. However in Feb this year he got a new gf. Kids met her in the summer. Everything seems fine but he's just told me that this Christmas he wants to do things separately. He said I can them Christmas Day and he will have them Boxing Day as his wants the kids to spend some time with his new gf at Christmas. Im just a bit shocked as I know this wouldn't be coming from him.

How do I approach this? My kids will be so upset.

OP posts:
Bemyclementine · 19/12/2022 08:35

I think you frame it to the children that they will get 2 Christmas days and how much fun it will be. What you have done previously is lovely but was going to change sooner or later, when one of you got a partner.

MolesOnPoles · 19/12/2022 08:40

Gently, that sounds fine and normal. Doing Christmas together forever doesn’t sound like a long term plan (what if one of you has another child). His solution is fair.

RoseAndRose · 19/12/2022 08:42

Yes, you frame it as fine and normal, and how they'll get two lovely Christmases.

Xer · 19/12/2022 08:44

Joint Christmas after separation is weird. No matter how normal it may be for your family you must have known this would happen eventually surely? Don't blame the new gf. Assuming just makes her out to be the enemy. It most likely came from him so he can focus on his new relationship.

Tannedandfake · 19/12/2022 08:44

What do you mean, ‘ know this isn’t coming from him’
Are you suggesting that this is the GF’s idea?

Lilithslove · 19/12/2022 08:44

It's been 3 years it's natural that things will move on. Did you really expect his gf to step aside at Christmas so you can play happy families for a day?

Tessasanderson · 19/12/2022 08:46

Sounds like he you have both been very sensible and the coparenting is going well. Its perfectly understandable that he doesnt want to have a joint christmas day now that he has another relationship he needs to consider.

Maybe take the positives out of it and keep being good parents. Sounds like you both are doing really well

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 19/12/2022 08:47

Cut the strings op. Best for your dc to have 2 separate lives surely? Or you would still be together - were you hoping for that?

RoseAndRose · 19/12/2022 08:47

Tannedandfake · 19/12/2022 08:44

What do you mean, ‘ know this isn’t coming from him’
Are you suggesting that this is the GF’s idea?

It's often easier to blame the woman, than to realise that Christmases and other occasions need to be shared

Putdownthecake · 19/12/2022 08:49

My parents did this their first few years post separation and it broke my heart every time. Christmas day was great but I had so much hope they'd get back together after a wonderful Christmas then was upset all over again. It can be confusing for some children to see mum and dad have such fun and not be together. You can still be friendly and set a good co parenting example but this situation was never going to work long term with partners involved. It's normal for your ex to want separate holidays

Newusernameaug · 19/12/2022 08:50

This is normal for things to change.
I too used to do what you and ex did, but we both moved on and it changed at some point. It’s no big deal, except how big a deal you make it. If you have a good relationship then don’t go rocking the boat over this as YABU.

Biscuits1011 · 19/12/2022 08:52

Well of course he wants to spend it with his girlfriend. You simply explain to your kids as mummy and daddy are not together and are moving on, that you will be having Christmas separately from now on. Big up the whole 2 lots of presents, 2 lots of Christmas ect… and reassure them it will still be amazing.
did you seriously expect to do this every year till they are adults?! Or even then?

I co parent well with my ex but we spend Christmas with our own family, not together. The kids don’t suffer, they actually love having 2 Christmas now.

aSofaNearYou · 19/12/2022 08:53

You realise you're on the step parenting board, right? Where people are unlikely to view this as him unreasonably prioritising his girlfriend? It's perfectly normal to not to Christmas together, this was inevitable at some point. Don't spend your life digging your heels in about normal instances of moving on.

lightisnotwhite · 19/12/2022 08:57

Telling that your final line is “my kids”. They are both of yours. He’s going to give them a lovely time on Boxing Day. You are going to have a fabulous Christmas Day.

Start some new traditions for just you three. Found out what bits they like and do more of that. Invite other family or friends if you think it will be too quiet. The kids don’t need to be upset unless you go round looking mardy.

Mumstepping · 19/12/2022 09:00

We don’t even do two Christmases…we have DSC alternate years. On years DSC are with mum, we send out presents to her house so they can open them on Christmas Day 🤷🏻‍♀️ We see DSC on Boxing Day.

We have our own DC now, it would be odd to give them two Christmases and repeating the day for DSC would be for us rather than the children as they just want to play. We have a big family so Boxing Day would literally be us sat watching DSC open things all day when we want to be doing things.

Be prepared for things to change throughout your coparenting relationship as elements of your life change.

MrsTag · 19/12/2022 09:07

As your kids are quite young I can see how you might feel like this but things have to move on. Do you want to be like my H's ex wife who wants to celebrate things like birthdays with much older children with my H , still wanted to share presents and best of all wanted to share a room with him on a suggested break. Have some pride and guide your children into their new life.

LolaSmiles · 19/12/2022 09:10

It's reasonable for children to have separate Christmas things when parents split up, though it's great you've been amicably co-parenting so well.

It's unreasonable for him to start changing Christmas plans so close to Christmas in my opinion.

NiceViper · 19/12/2022 09:13

It's reasonable to be cross about the short notice

But wrong to object to moving on to separate celebrations

Herejustforthisone · 19/12/2022 09:15

I think, gently, this could be more about your upset at the new woman in his life. You’re making out he’s prioritising her, but perhaps he’s just trying to disentangle from you fully when it comes to Christmas. That’s natural.

Im just a bit shocked as I know this wouldn't be coming from him.

What does this mean? Why wouldn’t it be coming from him? It’s very normal to split Christmas this way, it’s less common to do it the way you’ve been doing it.

Don’t project your feelings onto the situation with a “daddy has a new girlfriend and she’s more important than you/us now,” vibe, put it to them as they get to have two Christmases, one with mum and one with dad and his girlfriend. This isn’t about you.

WandaWonder · 19/12/2022 09:19

I don't get the issue, life goes on when people seperate it won't stay the same forever

SpinningFloppa · 19/12/2022 09:29

You must have expected things would change eventually?

Reugny · 19/12/2022 09:31

You approach this by being an adult.

When you split up with your ex you should have had separate Christmases from the start as you were no longer in a relationship with him. You have both confused your kids by having Christmas together.

If you cannot understand that while he is your children's father so needs to be around to parent them but is now nothing to you, then you need counseling to understand that you need to move on with your own life and allow him to move on with his.

Ellie1015 · 19/12/2022 09:34

Understand you are disappointed but it does seem like a natural progression now he has a partner. He has of course given you first Christmas as he is the one changing things rather than because he doesn't want to see them on Christmas day.

The children will be ok if you show you are ok and talk it up as normal/positive.

FleasNavidad · 19/12/2022 09:37

Your kids love it because they think you might get back together. It's too confusing for them to process and you should be having separate Christmas. It's a good thing.

badassbaby · 19/12/2022 09:38

Lou55xxx · 19/12/2022 08:33

I've been split from my ex for 3 years & the first two christmases we spent as a family opening presents together as it's what's best for our kids. They have a lovely time (5 & 8). We coparent well. However in Feb this year he got a new gf. Kids met her in the summer. Everything seems fine but he's just told me that this Christmas he wants to do things separately. He said I can them Christmas Day and he will have them Boxing Day as his wants the kids to spend some time with his new gf at Christmas. Im just a bit shocked as I know this wouldn't be coming from him.

How do I approach this? My kids will be so upset.

Well I think he's being selfish!
When my ex found himself a new gf, he would still come over very early Christmas Day to watch DD open her presents.
She would then join us for breakfast and then they would bugger off.
I'm sure you're not at the stage where she could come for breakfast, but unless he lives miles away why can't he be there when the kids open their presents?
Btw 15 years on, same gf, she now comes to the present opening and breakfast, and says it is the best part of Christmas Day...although they don't have children, and me and her get on really well x