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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Cannot Discipline -

82 replies

Sharky66 · 12/12/2022 23:23

Buckle up folks, this is one helluva tale

I am a step-dad to a 16 yo daughter, live in my own place whilst the teen and her mum live close by and I have known her over 6 years but am reaching the point where my frustrations are boiling over and affecting my relationship with her mum.

To say she is ill-disciplined would be an understatement. Allow me to elaborate"
She has just been expelled from a private school for breaking rules despite receiving a warning
She has assaulted her mum several times and been arrested twice, going to a foster home temporarily whilst giving her mum concussion on one occasion.
She has destroyed some personal belongings of her mum after an argument
She has been caught smoking in the house and been drunk a few times, stealing alcohol even though she knows not to.
She ignores any rules (bed times etc), never helps out and barely lifts a finger.
She stays up late, is constantly on her phone, verbally abusive to her mum, has stolen money from her mum and used her c/c to buy things online.
She swears at her mum, at me and is generally vile

This is not an exhaustive list but you get the picture, BUT the consequences of all of the above amount to a big fat zero. Nothing. Not one punishment, not one sanction, not one consequence. Instead, the mum things she can purchase her daughter's affection. She has taken her on a Turkish holiday, given her a lavish 16th party, bought her a gym membership etc etc and I am watching all of this unfold in horror. In this case kindness does not beget kindness!

Yes, she is not my flesh and blood yet despite my "suggestions" to put in place some form of lessons to be learnt, some form of punishment for the multiple transgressions, I am told it will only make things worse. Really? How?

So I am left to fume, my partner comes to me me and tells me all the nasty stuff that has been said to her, the constant abuse and yet nothing happens as a result. My suggestions fall on deaf ears and I am at a loss.

Do I insist on the mum doing something or just wipe my hands of it and tell her she must take care of her own daughter, and I step back and allow it to continue even though to see her being attacked like this feels me with utter sadness, despair and anger.

Lost!

OP posts:
dolor · 12/12/2022 23:32

I think you're going to have to think about your relationship, if she isn't handling things with her daughter at all, you might want to consider if you want to carry on being involved.

hourbyhour101 · 12/12/2022 23:35

Your gonna get a hard time on here (so have your hard hat on mn doesn't like step families)

This on the face of it isn't actually a step issue, at the root of it is bad parenting. Has this girl suffered abuse, is there any Nerodiversity there ? Counsellor ?

Your issue is the 16 year old, it's the mum because of the way she's acting.

Most teens drink and smoke and do things they shouldn't. Boundaries help them keep safe.

The violence is a no no. So I'm gonna say this not because it's not your place or that you have no right to say it. No one likes seeing someone's face be battered in and will say it's ok. But

Step back. The problem unfortunately is the parent and ultimately the DSC will suffer because they are still a child. If mum won't address it the problem will grow.

You can't rescue her or mum. They gotta do that on their own. Put towards resources and I will say this

The worst part of sp is watching shit like this unfold and knowing it could be stopped if the parents realised the impact of their choices.

In other words run don't walk.

hourbyhour101 · 12/12/2022 23:35

Your issue isn't** ffs

panko · 13/12/2022 06:18

If you don't live with them then you can end the whole thing really easily. I'd think about if you want to do that tbh.

Thymely · 13/12/2022 06:33

Why don't you live together? Perhaps a father figure in the house would deter the worst of the behaviour, like physical violence. You could at least call (or threaten to call) the police if things were getting out of hand. Sounds like an odd arrangement when you call yourself a stepdad, but are not living with them.

panko · 13/12/2022 06:34

Thymely · 13/12/2022 06:33

Why don't you live together? Perhaps a father figure in the house would deter the worst of the behaviour, like physical violence. You could at least call (or threaten to call) the police if things were getting out of hand. Sounds like an odd arrangement when you call yourself a stepdad, but are not living with them.

Not OP's responsibility to move in just to be a father figure. I wouldn't move in to such a hostile environment if I had my own space.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 13/12/2022 06:38

It’s very hard to get involved when the DP is permissive and wants to be the child’s best friend with zero boundaries or punishment.

I think you have to step back unfortunately, for your own sake. If your partner doesn’t want to do anything, then it’s hard to see how anything will change. If you say anything, you’ll be the bad guy.

Virginiaplain · 13/12/2022 06:39

Well, you can't change the behaviour of the DD
Just be a supportive friend to the DM, she certainly needs it, and hang around for 3 years or so and the DD will hopefully have come through this. If she doesn't mature and become more acceptable move on.

Outtasteamandluck · 13/12/2022 06:43

Where's bio Dad in all this ?

Outtasteamandluck · 13/12/2022 06:44

Tbh it sounds too late to start parenting now. She's nearly an adult. Hopefully she'll either grow out of it or be old enough to sort the consequences herself.

Maldedos · 13/12/2022 06:45

Just step back and make the right noises.
Oh gosh, yes that’s hard for you. It’s a tough age. blah,blah.
It’s frustrating but it’s not your problem.

If it helps my dn had two very good parents who had sensible boundaries and disciplined appropriately. It didn’t stop my dn from being an absolute teenager from hell. She’s an adult now and perfectly lovely.

WandaWonder · 13/12/2022 06:51

Thymely · 13/12/2022 06:33

Why don't you live together? Perhaps a father figure in the house would deter the worst of the behaviour, like physical violence. You could at least call (or threaten to call) the police if things were getting out of hand. Sounds like an odd arrangement when you call yourself a stepdad, but are not living with them.

It is not the OP's fault, if the mum wanted to she could call the police herself

From this point on though not sure how you can discipline a 16yo, I would just see your partner and do normal couple things only, or break up really

TheYummyPatler · 13/12/2022 08:14

I think you simply have to accept that this is who your partner is as a mother and the choices she makes - even where the outcomes are so terrible for everyone.

It sounds like you can’t properly step back because your partner (understandably) wants to share the details of her problems with you. But she isn’t willing or able to make changes that would alleviate those problems.

So, your choices all begin with accepting that this is exactly what a relationship with your partner. And you can either choose to continue as you are, or move on.

You can’t change your partner pr the situation. This may go on for many years yet, possibly indefinitely on different forms.

Sorry that’s a bleak response.

panko · 13/12/2022 08:19

Virginiaplain · 13/12/2022 06:39

Well, you can't change the behaviour of the DD
Just be a supportive friend to the DM, she certainly needs it, and hang around for 3 years or so and the DD will hopefully have come through this. If she doesn't mature and become more acceptable move on.

I wouldn't hang around 3 years just on the off chance. If it's not working OP you can leave for any reason.

Sellorkeep · 13/12/2022 08:41

Thymely · 13/12/2022 06:33

Why don't you live together? Perhaps a father figure in the house would deter the worst of the behaviour, like physical violence. You could at least call (or threaten to call) the police if things were getting out of hand. Sounds like an odd arrangement when you call yourself a stepdad, but are not living with them.

This is a ridiculous post. You don’t need to be a father figure.
That said. I don’t have a lot of ideas for you but I know of my DSD behaved liked this and my partner was enabling it by not parenting I would find him very unattractive indeed as a life partner.

Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 09:12

I did offer/suggest moving but then I saw the potential chaos, and the near-zero influence I would have or could make in any chaotic situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 09:14

The thought has crossed my mind many times - is the relationship worth the stress? Worth the pain watching this out-of-control kid get her way and mum being a soft target.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 09:17

Exactly my thought - I keep telling the mum that parenting is not a popularity contest and the kid is allowed to dislike he mum if she doesn't like the boundaries that are in place to guide her through life.
At this rate, adult life will be marked with disappointment as she realises there actually ARE consequences - as she just found out after her school expulsion.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 09:22

Bio Dad is in prison for drugs possession and dealing charges and other numerous offences. He was the one telling the kid to be a free spirit, he was very rebellious, blamed everyone for his failings and throwing the mum under the bus after they separated with talk highly inappropriate for a kid..

Her home has been broken since her Bio dad left the family and then flitted off to Thailand, never stayed in touch and when he returned to the UK, messed up her life with his interfering ways and now he is in prison, we are trying to pick up the pieces of his negative influence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 09:27

Sellorkeep · 13/12/2022 08:41

This is a ridiculous post. You don’t need to be a father figure.
That said. I don’t have a lot of ideas for you but I know of my DSD behaved liked this and my partner was enabling it by not parenting I would find him very unattractive indeed as a life partner.

Show quote history

This has been the cause of so many arguments with the mum.

And being in the house wouldn't make much difference - the kid punched me a few times after a raging row with me where I just sat and listened while she dumped a whole lot of vile comments without reaction from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 09:30

TheYummyPatler · 13/12/2022 08:14

I think you simply have to accept that this is who your partner is as a mother and the choices she makes - even where the outcomes are so terrible for everyone.

It sounds like you can’t properly step back because your partner (understandably) wants to share the details of her problems with you. But she isn’t willing or able to make changes that would alleviate those problems.

So, your choices all begin with accepting that this is exactly what a relationship with your partner. And you can either choose to continue as you are, or move on.

You can’t change your partner pr the situation. This may go on for many years yet, possibly indefinitely on different forms.

Sorry that’s a bleak response.

True - my male brain wants to try and remedy the situation, and also protect my partner at the same time but I am coming to the realisation that I just have to be there to console and listen and then do nothing and hope the teen grows out of this phase. So it comes down to acceptance and patience.

What gets me is how mum cannot see she is setting her kid up for some problems later in life - you can't always get what you want, there are rules in life and there are consequences to those. All the kid learns is that it doesn't matter what you do, nothing bad will happen in return.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 09:32

Maldedos · 13/12/2022 06:45

Just step back and make the right noises.
Oh gosh, yes that’s hard for you. It’s a tough age. blah,blah.
It’s frustrating but it’s not your problem.

If it helps my dn had two very good parents who had sensible boundaries and disciplined appropriately. It didn’t stop my dn from being an absolute teenager from hell. She’s an adult now and perfectly lovely.

Thanks. Yes, sensible boundaries are necessary but in this case there aren't any which is bewildering to me. And i understand that teens rebel, that they are difficult, that they push boundaries, but this is an entirely different case with very clear harmful violations.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 13/12/2022 09:36

If I was in this situation I would have to say 'I am sorry but if you don't dont to anything about it is best we keep things light'

Sharing is good but I am fully willing to admit I would feel very drained hearing endless issues with the person just accepting it, at best I would call it martydom I can't see it just,going on like this forever

I would also think it was very one sided

Theskyisfallingdown · 13/12/2022 09:37

If you enjoy dating your girlfriend keep on, brush off her venting about her kid and don't get involved. It sounds awful. If your girlfriend enhances your life and dating her is easy and fun just enjoy that.

Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 09:38

Thymely · 13/12/2022 06:33

Why don't you live together? Perhaps a father figure in the house would deter the worst of the behaviour, like physical violence. You could at least call (or threaten to call) the police if things were getting out of hand. Sounds like an odd arrangement when you call yourself a stepdad, but are not living with them.

I did offer to move in but they live in a tiny flat and I have my kids here so all moving out and getting a much larger place isn't practical. And for me to move in and just be a bouncer seems pointless when this could be sorted in other ways. And the teen is not threatened by anything (police, etc), because experience tells her that her mum is full of hot air and nothing will happen regardless of what she does.

OP posts: