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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Cannot Discipline -

82 replies

Sharky66 · 12/12/2022 23:23

Buckle up folks, this is one helluva tale

I am a step-dad to a 16 yo daughter, live in my own place whilst the teen and her mum live close by and I have known her over 6 years but am reaching the point where my frustrations are boiling over and affecting my relationship with her mum.

To say she is ill-disciplined would be an understatement. Allow me to elaborate"
She has just been expelled from a private school for breaking rules despite receiving a warning
She has assaulted her mum several times and been arrested twice, going to a foster home temporarily whilst giving her mum concussion on one occasion.
She has destroyed some personal belongings of her mum after an argument
She has been caught smoking in the house and been drunk a few times, stealing alcohol even though she knows not to.
She ignores any rules (bed times etc), never helps out and barely lifts a finger.
She stays up late, is constantly on her phone, verbally abusive to her mum, has stolen money from her mum and used her c/c to buy things online.
She swears at her mum, at me and is generally vile

This is not an exhaustive list but you get the picture, BUT the consequences of all of the above amount to a big fat zero. Nothing. Not one punishment, not one sanction, not one consequence. Instead, the mum things she can purchase her daughter's affection. She has taken her on a Turkish holiday, given her a lavish 16th party, bought her a gym membership etc etc and I am watching all of this unfold in horror. In this case kindness does not beget kindness!

Yes, she is not my flesh and blood yet despite my "suggestions" to put in place some form of lessons to be learnt, some form of punishment for the multiple transgressions, I am told it will only make things worse. Really? How?

So I am left to fume, my partner comes to me me and tells me all the nasty stuff that has been said to her, the constant abuse and yet nothing happens as a result. My suggestions fall on deaf ears and I am at a loss.

Do I insist on the mum doing something or just wipe my hands of it and tell her she must take care of her own daughter, and I step back and allow it to continue even though to see her being attacked like this feels me with utter sadness, despair and anger.

Lost!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2022 09:43

It’s not worth the stress. You only get one life, you’re currently making a choice to have all of this angst and awfulness in it, just make a different one and ditch it. There’s someone out there who isn’t living such a chaotic life, you won’t find her while you’re fighting this unwinnable battle and bashing your head against a brick wall. None of it sounds fun, happy, rewarding or worth it. Free yourself, your future self will thank you.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2022 09:48

You should be running for the hills. Life is too short to have all of this negative bullshit in your life. End the relationship and focus on your kids.

Bewitched005 · 13/12/2022 09:51

You need to move on from this relationship. There's nothing you can do to rectify the situation and if you stay, you will continue to be utterly frustrated with the teenager.

Maybe she'll find out one day that her actions do have consequences, such as losing a job if she continues in the same way, but it will be years before it happens.

Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 10:26

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/12/2022 09:43

It’s not worth the stress. You only get one life, you’re currently making a choice to have all of this angst and awfulness in it, just make a different one and ditch it. There’s someone out there who isn’t living such a chaotic life, you won’t find her while you’re fighting this unwinnable battle and bashing your head against a brick wall. None of it sounds fun, happy, rewarding or worth it. Free yourself, your future self will thank you.

This is appearing to be the solution given nothing will change and the teen's age and inability to change at this late stage of her life

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 13/12/2022 10:29

Was she ever abused or did she witness domestic violence? Her behaviour is very much in line with kids who’ve experienced trauma.

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 10:32

You aren’t a flipping step dad OP

You’re the boyfriend of a woman who has a teen that seems to be in a downward cycle

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 10:34

How much interaction does your girlfriend and her daughter have with your children? How old are your children?

Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 10:38

Rainallnight · 13/12/2022 10:29

Was she ever abused or did she witness domestic violence? Her behaviour is very much in line with kids who’ve experienced trauma.

I think she witnessed abuse (verbal and occasionally physical) between her biological parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 10:44

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 10:34

How much interaction does your girlfriend and her daughter have with your children? How old are your children?

My kids are in their 20's, the teen speaks to my daughter often although when we were in a "discussion", the teen then dragged my daughter into the argument, said some terrible things and it appears the teen (having been hurt in the past) wants to hurt those around her too.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 13/12/2022 10:46

I find your choice of words in your posts quite odd. You have called this person the Mum in all of your posts, rather than your wife. What kind of marriage do you have where you don't live together and you don't respect her parenting? Nothing against you not respecting her parenting, I wouldn't either.

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 10:46

Op

on what planet would you be her “step dad”

you are her mother’s boyfriend. You aren’t married, you don’t live together.

Theskyisfallingdown · 13/12/2022 10:48

Honestly, the child is nothing to do with you, just enjoy dating your girlfriend if you still want to date her. Decline to meet at her house and don't get involved in her moaning about her kid. Enjoy life.

hourbyhour101 · 13/12/2022 10:48

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 10:32

You aren’t a flipping step dad OP

You’re the boyfriend of a woman who has a teen that seems to be in a downward cycle

I have to ask,
bar having a dig.

How exactly does this help to the op ? 🙄

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 10:52

hourbyhour101 · 13/12/2022 10:48

I have to ask,
bar having a dig.

How exactly does this help to the op ? 🙄

Show quote history

Because it speaks volumes about how the Op views his role in this very sad situation.

As a step parent, rather than the reality is the teen’s mother’s boyfriend who doesn’t even live with them

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 13/12/2022 11:02

Definitely don't move in, sooner or later you'll find yourself in a situation where you'll have to either watch your DP get physically hurt or end up trying to restrain/stop her DD which could end up being considered violent illegal behaviour. If you don't end thing's I'd be steering clear of her DD. There's nothing you can do beyond listening and sympathizing, which I'd personally find hard to do, and maybe provide a safe place if your DP needs to escape the abuse.

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 11:05

Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 09:12

I did offer/suggest moving but then I saw the potential chaos, and the near-zero influence I would have or could make in any chaotic situation.

You don’t clarify whether or not she accepted your offer / suggestion

LuluBlakey1 · 13/12/2022 11:08

You ate not a step-parent. You are her mum's boyfriend who she knows doesn't like her or her behaviour. It's none of your business.

Be a friend to your girlfriend or walk away.

Thymely · 13/12/2022 11:13

panko · 13/12/2022 06:34

Not OP's responsibility to move in just to be a father figure. I wouldn't move in to such a hostile environment if I had my own space.

Show quote history

If he's (known her) been the stepfather? for six years I would have thought they would be a living together family and he might have had a good influence on the daughter. Maybe it's too late to fix it now.

Original poster
Sharky66 · 13/12/2022 11:52

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 10:52

Because it speaks volumes about how the Op views his role in this very sad situation.

As a step parent, rather than the reality is the teen’s mother’s boyfriend who doesn’t even live with them

Show quote history

I didn't have the time or space to describe my role in the teen's life in massive detail which would describe my role as a bone-fide "step-dad" doing pretty much everything bar moving in.
The mother is very religious, is against "shacking up" and will only co-habit once married and I am not sure that is the right answer when I see a potential red flag.

Nothing in this relationship has been what I would call normal, be it dating, dealing with schools/holidays/day-to-day life etc and I didn't have the inclination to spin a War and Peace novel to describe everything.

Technically correct, I am not a step-dad but have (in places) fulfilled that role as much as allowed or was practical.

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 13/12/2022 11:59

Your update about the father says a lot. No wonder the kids messed up and mum doesn't want to rock the boat.
Rough for all of you, I hope you get wherever you want to be

SpareFakecuffdH · 13/12/2022 12:13

I agree with PPs that you shouldn't interfere as it isn't your child and wouldn't be helpful to mum right now to make her feel she has to choose between her relationship and her child. But also sounds as though mum really needs support. Could you cope with supporting her/still being in a relationship with her even though she's handling the situation differently to the way you would? There's a lot of taboo around child-to-parent violence, it's more common than we think and it seems to me there's a lot of mum blaming on this thread. This woman is not going to give up on her child and may not feel able to take the approach you would take to discipline/ultimatums etc. That doesn't necessarily mean she's wrong and it certainly won't help her to make her feel as though she's letting other people down when she doesn't respond to her child in the way other people dictate. It's hard to look on when someone we care for is in a horrible situation and we're powerless to save them from it. But it doesn't help to abandon someone just because you can't entirely save them. Just being there for her whilst she's going through this could make a lot of difference for her.

panko · 13/12/2022 12:15

I find the way you are describing your partner/lover as "the mum" as a bit unusual. Is this maybe because you are trying to detach your self from this emotionally maybe? I think that's a good idea, look at your life and see if you're happy the way things are. And if not why carry on with the relationship?

I don't think this is anything to do with having a "man brain". It's hard not to care and put yourself first.

kingtamponthefurred · 13/12/2022 12:31

You don't get to 'insist' on anything, because you are not the child's father and do not live in the same household, but it's up to you whether you continue the relationship.

Thereisnolight · 13/12/2022 12:41

Well I certainly wouldn’t move in.
This is a messed up family and you probably shouldn’t muscle in and lay your own rules on this traumatised teenager. But the bottom line is If you don’t agree with the mum’s way of parenting you’re probably not suited long term. She probably does need a friend and you sound as if you care about her but is she any good for you as a partner?

Goodgrief82 · 13/12/2022 13:46

I didn't have the time or space to describe my role in the teen's life in massive detail which would describe my role as a bone-fide "step-dad" doing pretty much everything bar moving in.

I wonder how on earth this young girl felt about that