Cannot Discipline -

[Sharky66]

Buckle up folks, this is one helluva tale

I am a step-dad to a 16 yo daughter, live in my own place whilst the teen and her mum live close by and I have known her over 6 years but am reaching the point where my frustrations are boiling over and affecting my relationship with her mum.

To say she is ill-disciplined would be an understatement. Allow me to elaborate"
She has just been expelled from a private school for breaking rules despite receiving a warning
She has assaulted her mum several times and been arrested twice, going to a foster home temporarily whilst giving her mum concussion on one occasion.
She has destroyed some personal belongings of her mum after an argument
She has been caught smoking in the house and been drunk a few times, stealing alcohol even though she knows not to.
She ignores any rules (bed times etc), never helps out and barely lifts a finger.
She stays up late, is constantly on her phone, verbally abusive to her mum, has stolen money from her mum and used her c/c to buy things online.
She swears at her mum, at me and is generally vile

This is not an exhaustive list but you get the picture, BUT the consequences of all of the above amount to a big fat zero. Nothing. Not one punishment, not one sanction, not one consequence. Instead, the mum things she can purchase her daughter's affection. She has taken her on a Turkish holiday, given her a lavish 16th party, bought her a gym membership etc etc and I am watching all of this unfold in horror. In this case kindness does not beget kindness!

Yes, she is not my flesh and blood yet despite my "suggestions" to put in place some form of lessons to be learnt, some form of punishment for the multiple transgressions, I am told it will only make things worse. Really? How?

So I am left to fume, my partner comes to me me and tells me all the nasty stuff that has been said to her, the constant abuse and yet nothing happens as a result. My suggestions fall on deaf ears and I am at a loss.

Do I insist on the mum doing something or just wipe my hands of it and tell her she must take care of her own daughter, and I step back and allow it to continue even though to see her being attacked like this feels me with utter sadness, despair and anger.

Lost!

I don‘t really see the point of quibbling about whether you are a stepfather when the point on this thread is how you see yourself.

but in reality… what’s really important is how this teenage girl sees the OP. And I would be floored if she sees her mums boyfriend who doesn’t live with them as her stepfather and someone who really should have any direct involvement in her life

sadly won’t happen.

Can you imagine letting your new boyfriend sit in you 9 year old DD’s bedroom at bedtime alone with the lights out? Fu@k me

I'm in a similar situation to you. My partner struggles with one of his children, who has behaviour issues that are related to autism and is sometimes violent. I also have an autistic child, who is well behaved. I've suggested...behaviour strategies that worked for my ASD kid, moving in together which would cut my partner's access from 50-50 to 30-70 (we're in different towns) but ensure we can always parent together and give all the energy required as a team, and SO many other ideas. As in your situation, there are no consequences, and mainly distractions and spoiling and giving in instead.

Here's how I've managed to come to terms with it.

1. I never give advice and I keep judgmental thoughts in my own head. The parent of a very challenging child has heard enough advice over the years and will feel a lot of shame about not meeting society's expectations for how their child should behave. You're therefore lucky to get anything back from the parent that isn't a shame and blame response.

2. I step back to conserve my own energy and use that energy to support my partner in other ways. For example, instead of being with him and his kids at every opportunity, becoming distressed about behaviour, I use that time to either work on myself or do something helpful for my partner that isn't childcare. If I'm at my partner's place I may do some cleaning or laundry or cook the food or organise a holiday club. If you 'do' for someone in this situation, rather than 'say' what they should do, they can't but be grateful and if they feel a bit less overwhelmed this can open them up to productive conversations around the child's behaviour.

3. I act as a friend and confidant to the child, not a parent. I don't discipline. I remind myself as many times as necessary that they have two parents and I'm just a bystander. If they behave nicely, I praise it. if they show an interest in something healthy, such as being around animals or riding a bike, I make opportunities for us to do those things together but do not feel upset or rejected

4. I set and repeat my own boundaries. For example, I have told my partner that if he wants me to babysit he first needs to find and implement strategies to improve his child's behaviour. This is because the child has hit me hard several times and it hurt.

5. If I feel angry, I don't explode at my partner. I go home.

Why would you want to subject your children to his shit show in their family home and day to day life, just to make his life better?

You have suggested a violent child with an ineffective father in to the family home of your children to support your partner.

You priorities are… let’s just say skewed

Not your circus im afraid. Your partner is going to parent her daughter in the way she thinks is best and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Even if you WERE the bio dad there’s still little you can do when parenting styles differ that much.

if you wish to stay in the relationship
you can set out boundaries with your partner about discussing f her daughter with you. Say that her constant frustration about her daughters behaviour is fracturing your relationship with her as you are starting to feel resentful about her parenting style.

Alternatively i you walk away. the Loki hood of this improving when the child gets to adulthood is slim to none. She will lean on your partner to her dying day and you will be grinding your teeth for decades to come.