Cannot Discipline -

[Sharky66]

Buckle up folks, this is one helluva tale

I am a step-dad to a 16 yo daughter, live in my own place whilst the teen and her mum live close by and I have known her over 6 years but am reaching the point where my frustrations are boiling over and affecting my relationship with her mum.

To say she is ill-disciplined would be an understatement. Allow me to elaborate"
She has just been expelled from a private school for breaking rules despite receiving a warning
She has assaulted her mum several times and been arrested twice, going to a foster home temporarily whilst giving her mum concussion on one occasion.
She has destroyed some personal belongings of her mum after an argument
She has been caught smoking in the house and been drunk a few times, stealing alcohol even though she knows not to.
She ignores any rules (bed times etc), never helps out and barely lifts a finger.
She stays up late, is constantly on her phone, verbally abusive to her mum, has stolen money from her mum and used her c/c to buy things online.
She swears at her mum, at me and is generally vile

This is not an exhaustive list but you get the picture, BUT the consequences of all of the above amount to a big fat zero. Nothing. Not one punishment, not one sanction, not one consequence. Instead, the mum things she can purchase her daughter's affection. She has taken her on a Turkish holiday, given her a lavish 16th party, bought her a gym membership etc etc and I am watching all of this unfold in horror. In this case kindness does not beget kindness!

Yes, she is not my flesh and blood yet despite my "suggestions" to put in place some form of lessons to be learnt, some form of punishment for the multiple transgressions, I am told it will only make things worse. Really? How?

So I am left to fume, my partner comes to me me and tells me all the nasty stuff that has been said to her, the constant abuse and yet nothing happens as a result. My suggestions fall on deaf ears and I am at a loss.

Do I insist on the mum doing something or just wipe my hands of it and tell her she must take care of her own daughter, and I step back and allow it to continue even though to see her being attacked like this feels me with utter sadness, despair and anger.

Lost!

her mother’s boyfriend who came in to her life when she was 11, doesn’t live with her, but is a “bona fide” step dad

That is where my mind is - making changes to a teen is unlikely if she has led a life free of consequences so I just have to be here, support her and see if things change. I have patience so I am not in any rush and right now she does need my help, even if it just a shoulder to cry on.

This was not my desire nor my idea - I proposed to my partner when the biological dad was around and it was felt (by my partner) that it would make things messy seeing as he was a fellow with strange ideas, criminal background and she didn't want to antagonise things and add stresses. Then, add into that the idea that a Christian woman doesn't live with a man unless they are married and I was without an option to be in the same house.

Ok so wasn’t your intention

but fact remains… you don’t live with this teen girl, and yet you have assumed a “step dad role”.

what does that mean in practise?

I had a similar ish situation where my daughter 15 turned into the teen from hell and put myself her younger brother 13 and stepdaughter who has lived with us for 4 years through the ringer. I didn't see my partners role as coming down on her BUT I did have enough about me to put the brakes on in the last incident which was in August. My daughter has had quite a lot of trauma in 6 years her father has not seen them for 5 years now and this has impacted her deeply .I also had a breakdown 4 years ago as a result of several factors which meant the kids both stayed with other family for 6 months until I was the mum they deserved again. I did ask my partners opinion on where to go with her I questioned by own abilities to solve the issues took my part in her past badly I did and probably always will feel guilty for that.The last incident however I was all out of patience she was brought home by the police again after putting herself in real danger and being missing for days. I went to social services and got support I also gave her the bollocking of her life and I removed anything that would enable her to run away or harm herself. I had to absolutely not budge give no room for bargaining and give clear expectations about what I wanted from her and our relationship. By your partner not giving any consequences she is giving a message to her daughter that actually I don't care enough to give you the consequences and I'll take the easy route of paying for nice things so I get a little niceness from you. It really isent the way your partner needs outside help you are also well within your rights to advise her. But equally you are also allowed to walk away and prevent your own kids from seeing this shitstorm. Only you know your relationship. What does your gut tell you to do ?

Stepdad not stepdaughter in my pp

My partner's family all live in another country so I am all she has. My gut feel is to try and support as much, but I cannot rescue/change either of them and I can only be around to ensure nothing crazy happens.
You had the sense to crack down, my partner either can't or won't and that is something I just have to live with and hope that things improve.

Is it something you have discussed with your partner in a bit more depth as in why does she feel she can't discipline. Does she feel guilt in some way for her daughter dad being locked up ? Trust me mum's can feel guilty about feeling guilty. If you are able to have an honest conversation and you can give her your advise if she can do this without shutting you down that is a start. But yes I think you are right in your approach to just be supportive to her because she cant/won't deal with her behaviour there is nothing more you can do unfortunately. Best of luck op x

In practice: I spend a lot of time in their place, I cook for everyone, we behave like a family, watch films (in the good days) and nearly every night I would sit with her in her bedroom after lights out and just talk about her day, unpack what was going on and try and answer all her questions such as "Why do dads leave their families" - always a great one and just give advice, stop fighting with your mum, choose your battles wisely etc etc.
We would all go out to dinner, movies, museums and yes she could be grumpy, mum was always buying her stuff, we went on holidays and I met the extended family overseas and the teen latched onto me, seeking a male figure. It's only when the biological dad returned and started filling her head with "you don't need to do chores .. don't let your mum tell you what to do" etc when things went south. His influence was toxic, her grades slipped massively and I know he even offered his own daughter cannabis which she partook in. That didn't help.
So her idea of a dad was the fun, bio dad, no rules, go to bed when you want .. and then me, trying to limit certain things and intro boundaries to keep her in check like i had done with my own kids.
There were times when I would sleep over but out of respect for the kid and mum, it wasn't very often, especially as I lived a few minutes away and she could always come to me if she wanted a chat or just to be in a different place.

Now though, it just seems I need to step back, not get involved and let the mum handle this and be around if things get sticky.

would sit with her in her bedroom after lights out and just talk about her day, unpack what was going on and try and answer all her questions

WTAF

a man, who came in to her life when she was 11, was doing this?

Shocking, isn’t it @Goodgrief82
I’m out. Hopefully OP opts out of being around ‘the kid’ as he refers to her, and someone steps in to perform basic safeguarding for the traumatised child.

Thanks
I think she has put her kid on a pedestal all her life and can't say a bad thing about her. The teen does what she wants, behaves terribly and then apologises and repeats the same thing, to the point where sorries are meaningless.
I have tried to talk to my partner about how she could do things, even basic stuff like not giving the teen something pleasant until after she has done her (very minimal) chores. No luck.

Actually closer to 9 - but hey you go ahead and make judgements.
Some people ...!

That’s her business. Can you not see this? Other posters all saying the same thing.

I’ve been in a similar position - as a step mum - although not as extreme!

The only thing you can do is put down your OWN boundaries here. It is way too late for discipline, her mum and daughter are so far down this path and the mum is not going to change now, and the daughter is nearly an adult where the relationship will change a lot. At some point the daughter will be off, quite soon probably, facing life on her own. There will be an opportunity then for her mum and daughter to come to terms with it all, but this will probably take a long time, years with lots of upset and worry during this time.

So for you, I’d say. What can YOU cope with in your own relationship? Do you want her to stop involving you so much? (Probably a good idea). Do you want more time to just have a nice time together?

Why the hell is the OP getting attacked here? Sounds to me he is trying his best to be a parental figure but it’s nigh on impossible when he isn’t a resident step dad and the mother sounds bloody useless. OP has been on the scene five years doing his best to be a good partner and fulfil some step dad duties even though he and his partner don’t co-habit.

OP I think all you can do is support your partner by continuing to do what you are. Listen when she needs to vent, continue to suggest ways of dealing with the wayward teen (even though you’re likely to be ignored) and keep on being a good role model for the ‘step daughter’ by being there for her in the way you have - listening to her and spending time with her and her mum, and when she is being vile, by repeating and reinforcing that her behaviour is out of line and you expect better. Even if the mum’s parenting style doesn’t align with yours you can still tell the teen that you think she’s out of order.

She might still come through this ok, but if the bio dad is on the scene still his influence may make things worse.

At some point in the near future the girl will
be legally at adult and you don’t have to mix with her at all if it’s ruining the relationship with your partner.

You sound really nice, OP and I think it’s difficult to be in your situation as the partner of someone with a kid who you can’t really parent in the way you would if you lived together.

@Goodgrief82 tbh it sounds like he's a bonafide sp if you ask me.

I think your comment trying to imply op has nefarious intentions or caused this situation by existing is laughable as it is sad tbh.

It also helps sweet the question that always arises for me, as a mum , of why aren't these children aren't actually helped by their parents aka mum and it seems it's easier to pin the issues on a handy scapegoat rather than you know find out the actual issue and parent.

@Goodgrief82 I know people can check peoples posting history.... but to go back to 2017 😒 god give me strength.

What is incredibly interesting why someone would do this on a post (that is no way shape or form connected to them) and be that invested in painting a op one way or another ...

Since you haven't linked to the thread in question no one can actually read for themselves what was posted (unless they can be bothered and no normal person can be arse to do this usually) and so we have to take your paraphrasing.

Why exactly did you stalk the OPs posting history btw ...

Only had one other thread.

This one
and the one in 2017 whinging about the 11 year old

Why on earth would he want to live with her?

Why would anyone think that bringing an unrelated male into the house would make her behave better?

Christ

You're being ripped to shreds here, completely unnecessarily too I might add.

You're clearly trying your best, and have been there and tried to be helpful despite the unfortunate situation. The fact that you want to stick by this lady and her daughter is great, but it sounds like you might have to make some difficult decisions soon.

You sound like a nice chap, and I sincerely hope this gets better everyone involved.

You sound lovely and like you've really tried. Blending is tricky in the most average of circumstances, never mind one with all kinds of trauma (the dad) and no stability.
I wish you all the best of luck

If I were you, I’d go to counselling and work out what this relationship truly means to you. I don’t really understand that from you on this thread - i mean the sense of your own happiness/unhappiness and what you want for yourself.

It sounds as though (from the limited amount you have said) the rest of your life/relationship with your kids is reasonably calm and stable but you are being consumed but someone else’s problems. Has this ever happened to you before?

What makes you accept this imbalance? Do and your partner actually have fun together or is it all about this situation? Is this definitely what you want, especially given you can‘t control any of it, and that you don’t agree with how it is being handled, but will still need to live with the consequences?

I find some of the comments towards you a bit strange - I don‘t really see the point of quibbling about whether you are a stepfather when the point on this thread is how you see yourself. That’s the big question for me. You sound stuck in a funny place. As a boyfriend, you could have fun, romance, less involvement with being hit, for instance!. But it sounds as though you‘ve given that up - for what exactly? Anyway, good luck with it all op, it sounds tough.

Well he did want to live with her. He suggested it. She said no due to her religion