Christmas Cards

[JujuRain]

Writing Christmas cards the other evening next to DH on sofa. When I'm writing cards to his side I always include DSC of course, when I'm writing cards to my side (family and friends) I often only put me, DH and our child.

He saw this and was pissed but a lot of my family and friends have never even met DSC never mind know them but he didn't seem to think it mattered.

Who really cares when getting a card from a friend whether their DSC who they've never met has 'signed' it?!

Have I?

We don't send cards so it's not something thats ever come up in my home. But if I was to SCs wouldn't know if their name was on them. They don't tend to read correspondence that I send. I don't get why SCs would know unless you made a point of telling them which seems odd to me.

The poster you were responding to was talking about cards being received into the home without their name written on them, not cards that were being sent out. So your snippy reply wasn't relevant.

OK so then the post isn't relevant to the op, or indeed any step parent because we don't have control over what other people put in cards.

It was completely relevant, if you read it in the context of the previous posts, instead of attempting to cast doubt over something they didn't even say.

I find it absolutely bizarre that you wouldn't include them. I mean unless they're adults that you don't have that much of a relationship with ? I am second time married and have children with my new husband and I wouldn't entertain the thought of us all being a family ? My eldest is his children's sibling ! That so weird. And hurtful to him and his children.

If I send out cards reading "love from Yousee, Mr Yousee, DS1 and DS3" and leave off DSD, anyone sending me a card back is likely to also leave off DSD.
If I include her then so will they, I don't send cards to arseholes so all would be fine and good should DSD happen to have a look at our cards.
As it happens I do often just say a variation of "love from Yousee and family" as I don't like to leave off stillborn DS2 but it also feels funny to specifically name him on a card so that's my compromise with myself. But still never left off DSD before that.

How amusing the tone of this thread is. I have step children and used to include their names on cards before they were adults. Now I rarely write cards but wouldn’t include them now.

On a similar tone, years ago I wrote a thread about DH’s ex MIL sending a pass agg card only addressed to him every Christmas. The first wife brigade, and even the first wife herself I recall, accused me of being controlling and all sorts of bullshit! Another example of how step mothers never ever ever get an easy ride on here and double
standards are rife!

It’s not weird at all - just because it’s different to what you do - what a small
mind you have.

I think the part I hate most about blended families, the thing that makes me fucking tired.

Baubles, anything related to Christmas, fucking Christmas cards or any type of family event.

Is a fucking debate. No matter how you slice it, over analyse it there is always someone offended.

Put dcs name on card - disrespectful to mum "they aren't your kids"

Don't put DSC name on card - disrespectful to dad and sc "your pushing dsc out and the passive dad who's happy to pass the buck and grumble whilst putting in 0 effort"

Put love from hourbyhour and family get accused of playing "happy families" - yes I got this one last year 🙄

It's so fecking tedious. So many unhappy variables but the worst thing is usually you have a sm trying to bend over backwards to keep everyone happy, in the process making her unhappy and also cast as a "cold" villain.

God give me fucking strength. At this point if my DSC decides to get married I will offer to pay for the entire wedding if I can avoid any of the usual bullshit that comes across in weddings and blended families - and that includes not being present and paying for it.

<< to clarify my last paragraph - I will happily pay for DSC weddings and not attend the wedding so she legitimately doesn't have to go about this whole keep everyone happy bullshit.

Sorry rant over

I am a stepchild and have a stepchild so am fully aware time is not frozen.... what a patronising thing to say. Of course life happens when they are at the other home but when they see the cards on the mantle ( who hides Christmas cards or treats them as private correspondence! ) and their name is missing it stings. as far as I am concerned my stepdaughter and my husband are both as much my family as each other. That does not detract from her other home but she knows she is loved and valued and has a safe home in both houses.

@Persephonegoddess unless you would like to tell me about have a new form of mind control (not yet publicly known.)

How on earth you can control what others put in their Christmas cards and who they address ? And how is that the sp fault 😵‍💫

Go on I'm willing to be enlightened.

Sure I could call up granny Betty and "be like look here granny you didn't put my Dd name in the card and shes upset and I want you to know it's not on"

Or I could tell my Dd oh look we got a card from granny Betty how lovely. Which btw is what I actually have to do each year as she always forgets to my Dd name (even though she sees her 3 times a week and loves her dearly)

You don't need to prove or bend over backwards that DSC are family, if you treat them like family. I would think someone would have to have a fragile ego that a card without their name would set them off. But my blended family was happy so that undoubtedly makes a difference.

I'm also a sc btw. I never thought oh my names missing, and I don't doubt it was. Such a non event - as long as the adults don't make it into one that is....

It doesn't matter if they personally know the DSC or not. If she's signing it from her family, it should be ALL of her family.

You don't pick and choose who you're family on depending on the recipient/audience

I would think someone would have to have a fragile ego that a card without their name would set them off.

What an incredibly crass thing to say when people on this thread have spoken of the feelings they experienced as a child.

@excelledyourself I would think someone would have to have a fragile ego that a card without their name would set them off. But my blended family was happy so that undoubtedly makes a difference.

You missed the last part of what I said .. which is kinda my point.

If your not made to feel welcome as a sc, and had a horrible experience as one sure reading a card without your name would hurt.

But since people can't control what others put in a card to the household which DSC will see (aka there second home) it's still not something that can be controlled.

Everyone's entitled to their feelings. But that doesn't mean sad feelings are logical or anyones fault.

I was sad my sister got a really cool present on her 16th birthday. It wasn't my parents fault they were doing something nice for her, and it wasn't my sisters fault, it was literally not about me but yet I was sad. That's valid. Scapegoat the sp to be the sole source of that sadness (your blaming the wrong person) because someone wrote Christmas card and didn't include your name. I call that fragile.

I don't however call it fragile if that was part of a pattern of exclusion, but in that case we aren't talking about just hurt feelings over a card are we ?

As I said my house was a happy one and I will repeat so it makes a difference

Yes we include the whole family.

We don’t send Christmas cards to anyone who knows so little about us that they’d be ‘confused’ to receive a card with all of our names on it.

We put our cat’s name on too; quite a lot of our relatives haven’t met him.

Yeah, it's a shitty thing you've done, I'd be pissed too!

Ah Excelled, but this is MN, the place where upset SC is just an illusion. It's a common mystery to many, why SC would feel upset to not be seen as part of a family.

My DS has a fractured relationship with his Dad and his siblings due to his Dad not having the balls to stand up to his missus when DS was little and just stood there watching her desperately trying to ignore DS existence. Fucking hurtful to a child, who didn't ask for it. DS came away from it realising his Dad was too scared to say DS should be included.
The hilarious thing is, their relationship broke down so it really wasn't worth it.

However, SP on here probably think I'm making that up, or DS is some delicate flower. Nope, he was just a boy who wanted a sense of belonging, but his dad and step mum couldn't do that.

I think people on here talk about how an adult would cope with things, but forget children have different feelings and they shouldn't be belittled.

SERIOUSLY who cares the DSC won't care some one you went to uni with or whatever doesn't know they exist.

This!! People who are saying, ‘it’ll make DSC feel left out when they see they haven’t been included if your friend/family sends a card back.’ Why, oh why would they think, ‘well this person that I’ve never met before hasn’t put my name.’ I don’t see anything wrong OP. It’s basically common sense

I think people on here talk about how an adult would cope with things, but forget children have different feelings and they shouldn't be belittled.

I think people on here talk about how THEIR children would feel about things, and forget that all children are different.

My DSS has never, in all his life, willingly picked up anything to read it. That includes Christmas cards. So he isn't going to be upset his name isn't on them, because he is not going to be reading them.

*It doesn't matter if they personally know the DSC or not. If she's signing it from her family, it should be ALL of her family.

You don't pick and choose who you're family on depending on the recipient/audience*

Maybe you don't, but you don't speak for everyone. People do act differently and put on different hats with different people. The reality is that's it's with and for my DP and DSS's that I ensure DSS is treated as "family" at all times, because it isn't for my sake and isn't particularly my personal reality. I don't need to do that when it comes to my personal relationships with family and friends that don't know him and frankly I need that space from it all.

There's no harm putting everyone's name in the card is there. Really? Is there any point in all this fussing. I'm a stepmum and it doesn't hurt just putting all our names in a card even if dsd doesn't live with us/see my side of the family often- she is my family though?

Absolutely they do, but often the comments on here are "they won't care" etc. Some children do care, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just because your SC don't care doesn't mean others won't. Just because my DS cared (and it ruined a relationship) doesn't mean I believe that's the case for all. It's just frustrating to see on here regular comments along the do what you want as they won't give a toss etc and if they do then tough.

Am I supposed to hide any cards that enter the house with only DC's name on and not the DSCs'? Make DC feel ashamed? No way.

Even in the small chance that the kids do care they aren't on some random card from someone they don't know it isn't going to scar them for life. Their dad just needs to explain that yes "blended" family life means sometimes you are on some cards and not others.