Christmas Cards

JujuRain · 2022-12-08T08:18:11+00:00

Writing Christmas cards the other evening next to DH on sofa. When I'm writing cards to his side I always include DSC of course, when I'm writing cards to my side (family and friends) I often only put me, DH and our child. He saw this and was pissed but a lot of my family and friends have never even met DSC never mind know them but he didn't seem to think it mattered. Who really cares when getting a card from a friend whether their DSC who they've never met has 'signed' it?!

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TheYummyPatler · 08/12/2022 08:50

If he wants things done differently, he can write cards. Can’t he?

Sammi178 · 08/12/2022 09:21

Not to be mean OP, but from step-mum to step-mum I do find this rather odd. DSC are still part of your family...

I also had a step-mum growing up and a couple of step brothers, and when they used to get a Christmas card from my step-mums family/friends and my name wasn't on it, it did sting I won't lie.

dizzygirl1 · 08/12/2022 09:23

Yep as step mum here. All DC on all cards.

BecauseICan22 · 08/12/2022 09:26

Stepmum, 2 stepchildren. Their names go in everything as well as my own 3 DC. 98% of my family and friends have never met them, and the few that did was at our wedding. They're still part of my family.

YABU.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/12/2022 09:28

I do the same as you, my godfather is someone I send cards to but haven’t seen for years, he’s never met my DSC or DC and he’d be very confused by seeing my DSC names. Friends who’ve met and know DSC get cards with all names, friends who haven’t don’t. Common sense, no malicious intent…

Thankfully DH is sensible and pragmatic and also does plenty of Christmas card writing himself so he wouldn’t be unreasonable about it.

If he expects you to do wife work he accepts gracefully how you choose to do it. If he’s going to be precious he can do it himself.

TheYummyPatler · 08/12/2022 09:40

If he expects you to do wife work he accepts gracefully how you choose to do it. If he’s going to be precious he can do it himself.

This is the answer to so many things.

Different stepfamilies work differently for all sorts of reasons. Just because one stepmother would always include the SC in everything because they’re her family does not mean that’s how it must be for everyone.

Especially not when it pretty common for the concept of ‘family’ to function as a tool to exclude stepmothers when it suits the parents and to emotionally manipulate them into doing things when that suits.

aSofaNearYou · 08/12/2022 10:11

I'd do the same as you OP. He needs to chill out and accept that your family and friends don't know his kids.

Newusernameaug · 08/12/2022 10:15

That means when they send cards back you they will only include your names and your child’s name, and won’t include the dsc - so you’re forcing them out of the family and will make them feel not included

aSofaNearYou · 08/12/2022 10:17

Newusernameaug · 08/12/2022 10:15

That means when they send cards back you they will only include your names and your child’s name, and won’t include the dsc - so you’re forcing them out of the family and will make them feel not included

Maybe if they read Christmas cards, which mine would not.

Yousee · 08/12/2022 10:18

I'd not be editing out DSDs existence, as if I know the recipient well enough to bother sending a card then they know me well enough to know about DSD.
But I don't do the card writing for DHs family as that's his look out, I've enough to do without borrowing more from him.

alasangne · 08/12/2022 12:36

Oh my god we had this!!!
He writes his side how he wants I write mine. Some of these people haven't ever met the DSC. I can't be bothered to write everyone's names out so sometimes I write + family.

alasangne · 08/12/2022 12:37

Newusernameaug · 08/12/2022 10:15

That means when they send cards back you they will only include your names and your child’s name, and won’t include the dsc - so you’re forcing them out of the family and will make them feel not included

SERIOUSLY who cares the DSC won't care some one you went to uni with or whatever doesn't know they exist.

getoutof · 08/12/2022 12:43

I was a step child and for all I didn't even know some of the senders it still upset me to be excluded from cards. It's not hard to write an extra name or two. Just add them.

alasangne · 08/12/2022 12:45

getoutof · 08/12/2022 12:43

I was a step child and for all I didn't even know some of the senders it still upset me to be excluded from cards. It's not hard to write an extra name or two. Just add them.

But to those people you didn't exist they had never met you presumably and probably wouldn't know you if they passed you in the street.

getoutof · 08/12/2022 12:46

@alasangne yes possibly but why does that matter? Step families are hard and this is something so easy to keep right.

Sammi178 · 08/12/2022 12:50

But why would there be family & friends that didn't know about your own husbands children? I just find that bizarre personally lol...

I am a step mum and was a step-child and trust me, I still remember feelings around things like that when you saw your Dad's name in a card along with your half sibling and your own name is nowhere to be seen, and you're like 'but that's my Dad too'! For the sake of an extra name(s) just write them down! Come on everyone it's not hard...

getoutof · 08/12/2022 13:09

Also as pp has said that will effect how they view your family. Leading to step children not being invited to parties/ weddings etc. it will have a knock on effect

PeppermintChoc · 08/12/2022 13:17

My close friends have zero to do with DSS so I don’t put his name on their cards.

toomuchlaundry · 08/12/2022 13:22

If you have distant friends/family who haven’t met your partner or joint children do you not include them on your cards either (for those posters saying you don’t include DSC if friends don’t know them)

roseheartfly · 08/12/2022 13:25

Doesn't hurt to add them does it?

But could hurt if they saw that they weren't included..

They are your DCs siblings. Quite harsh.

PeppermintChoc · 08/12/2022 13:37

toomuchlaundry · 08/12/2022 13:22

If you have distant friends/family who haven’t met your partner or joint children do you not include them on your cards either (for those posters saying you don’t include DSC if friends don’t know them)

No. For my friends I usually sign from me and the two kids. For distant family I’d put all of us inc DSS. My good friends know I don’t really have a relationship with my DSS so seems hypocritical to add him to cards.

FinallyHere · 08/12/2022 13:39

Why are you writing Christmas cards to his side of the family?

Get him to write his own, then they will be the way he likes them.

TheYummyPatler · 08/12/2022 13:43

Has it occurred to you that including them might result in abusive phone calls (or doorstep performances) by their angry mother screeching about how they’re not your children and how dare you pretend you’re part of their family?

Because that, or quieter, more passive aggressive, versions or it are what some other stepmothers are living with.

All the ‘oh this is so easy to get right’ ignores the complexities some people are living with.

getoutof · 08/12/2022 13:45

TheYummyPatler · 08/12/2022 13:43

Has it occurred to you that including them might result in abusive phone calls (or doorstep performances) by their angry mother screeching about how they’re not your children and how dare you pretend you’re part of their family?

Because that, or quieter, more passive aggressive, versions or it are what some other stepmothers are living with.

All the ‘oh this is so easy to get right’ ignores the complexities some people are living with.

If the op was facing this odd complication I think she would have mentioned it. The excuse was more of the 'they don't really know my family' line.

aSofaNearYou · 08/12/2022 13:56

getoutof · 08/12/2022 13:09

Also as pp has said that will effect how they view your family. Leading to step children not being invited to parties/ weddings etc. it will have a knock on effect

This doesn't bother me. I don't want my family and friends to feel obliged to invite my SC who they have never met to their special events. I don't want my decision to date someone with a child who visits EOW to come with obligation for anyone I know.