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Original poster

H being ridiculous over a bauble

529 replies

Kikkk · 30/11/2022 21:51

Yes you read that right... A Christmas bauble is the latest source of ridiculousness in our house.

My parents got all of their grandkids a personalised bauble this year to put on their trees which included our DC, along with my nephew and niece. They do this every year for Dsis' children but it's our child's second Christmas (weren't given one last year as only tiny) so first time they were given one.

Apparently we can't possibly put this bauble up because DSC don't have the same bauble with their names on... Just go and buy a freaking bauble for them then!

I can't cope with this level of stupidness.

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Believeinyou · 01/12/2022 12:36

good lord most 11 and 14 year olds wouldn't really want a personalised bauble whether it was bought by a parent or their dads wife's parents - they'd see it as babyish and probably roll eyes

this is crazy talk

am lol at the plan to do a trip to buy baubles and make it an xmas trip the SC never forget ....ffs have you lot met a typical 11 and 14 year old? A trip to choose a bauble.....come one now behave

Wiluli · 01/12/2022 12:48

Believeinyou · 01/12/2022 12:36

good lord most 11 and 14 year olds wouldn't really want a personalised bauble whether it was bought by a parent or their dads wife's parents - they'd see it as babyish and probably roll eyes

this is crazy talk

am lol at the plan to do a trip to buy baubles and make it an xmas trip the SC never forget ....ffs have you lot met a typical 11 and 14 year old? A trip to choose a bauble.....come one now behave

Step kids are 16 and 21 and trust me they would notice straight away . Not that I would ever do that to them !

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 12:48

I've bought my DC a bauble but not my DSC. They really won't give a shit.

hourbyhour101 · 01/12/2022 12:55

Things that cause outrage if DSC aren't exactly equal on mumsnet

  • expensive christmas presents
  • Disney
  • inheritance
  • and Christmas baubles

Flip that around and if DSC are on the receiving end of the above and DC aren't.

(They won't notice the inequality, won't remember not going to Disney, expensive presents, well they have their parents living together)

Is amazing how many people spouting treat all the kids the same, flip that around and actually suddenly there's various excuses reasons why dsc getting stuff over DC is totally fine.

I said what I said 🤷🏼‍♀️

hourbyhour101 · 01/12/2022 12:56

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 12:48

I've bought my DC a bauble but not my DSC. They really won't give a shit.

Also this from iMO.

PicturesOfDogs · 01/12/2022 13:01

hourbyhour101 · 01/12/2022 12:55

Things that cause outrage if DSC aren't exactly equal on mumsnet

  • expensive christmas presents
  • Disney
  • inheritance
  • and Christmas baubles

Flip that around and if DSC are on the receiving end of the above and DC aren't.

(They won't notice the inequality, won't remember not going to Disney, expensive presents, well they have their parents living together)

Is amazing how many people spouting treat all the kids the same, flip that around and actually suddenly there's various excuses reasons why dsc getting stuff over DC is totally fine.

I said what I said 🤷🏼‍♀️

Agree.

This is the problem with blending families, trying to pretend the kids are all the same, when they’re not.
They have different families.

iIf the bauble thing were to come up, surely you’d just say ‘that’s a gift from his nan and grandad, just like your nan and grandad (on mums side) get you gifts and not dc’.

You also don’t moan about your kids not being given a bauble, when you choose to spend time alone with them rather than integrate them into the supposed ‘family’ they belong to, as mentioned in one of OPs updates

funinthesun19 · 01/12/2022 13:01

am lol at the plan to do a trip to buy baubles and make it an xmas trip the SC never forget ....ffs have you lot met a typical 11 and 14 year old? A trip to choose a bauble.....come one now behave

I think even my 7 year old would be a bit underwhelmed by a trip to choose a bauble too. I mean where would you go… Asda?

The more personal/special ones are bought online.

Smearywindowsagain · 01/12/2022 13:08

I really don’t think extended family should have to buy for step kids. Stepkids will have their own sets of grandparents to buy for them. This is the kind of crap that would go down in our house though. Hang the baubles and ignore dh. Let him go out and buy if he’s bothered.

Believeinyou · 01/12/2022 13:44

@Wiluli there's a difference between noticing and actually caring but wow - 16&21???

My eldest is 20 and youngest 3 - 3 year old is going to see santa this weekend and 20 year old is not. She knows but isn't bothered .....kids grow out of wanting personalised stuff, baubles included. What this is actually about is being on hyper sensitive alerts for any perceived slights and a lot of people projecting.

jejija · 01/12/2022 13:49

Couldn’t your parents have got your DSC a bauble… it seems pretty mean that they have been left out. Why don’t you get them a bauble so they aren’t excluded. I’m on your partner’s side here 100%

waddledee · 01/12/2022 13:50

BadNomad · 01/12/2022 08:10

You can't force people to have relationships. You just can't. The OP can't make her parents see these children as extra grandchildren. The OP can't make the children see these adult strangers as grandparents. That's not how this works. The SC are part of OP's family. That's all.

That's all fine of course. But then they should be told by the parents not to buy gifts like special named baubles for putting on the family Christmas tree. A family Christmas tree is for the whole family, that is the issue.

It's an inappropriate gift for a blended family if not all children are going to be included - they should either buy for all, or get something else and leave it to the parents to buy things like that.

waddledee · 01/12/2022 13:56

Smearywindowsagain · 01/12/2022 13:08

I really don’t think extended family should have to buy for step kids. Stepkids will have their own sets of grandparents to buy for them. This is the kind of crap that would go down in our house though. Hang the baubles and ignore dh. Let him go out and buy if he’s bothered.

It's not that they have to 'buy for them'.

It's because of the nature of the gift that they have bought. A personalised bauble for a family Christmas tree. IMO it's inappropriate not to include all of the family children in such a gift. The grandparents should have recognised that this is a blended family and thought about that.

It's fine if they only want to get presents for their own grandchildren, but they could have got something different, or bought the baubles just to hang on the tree at their own house for when the grandchildren visit (presumably stepchildren don't go there).

Stressedmum2017 · 01/12/2022 13:58

God how awful that you as a step mum have this attitude. The fact you still don't get it is telling of a general mindset that tbh makes me feel sorry for your step kids. Just because they don't let on to you doesn't mean they don't feel it.

rippleraspberry · 01/12/2022 13:58

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 12:48

I've bought my DC a bauble but not my DSC. They really won't give a shit.

My step-grandparents thought I wouldn't give a shit when they bought personalised baubles for my half siblings and not me.

Outwardly I didn't (obviously wasn't going to admit to that as a sulky teenager!)

But I actually was kind of sad.

marmb87 · 01/12/2022 14:08

I think all of the “HE should go and buy some baubles if HE thinks it’s so important” isn’t endearing you here OP. I can see why your husband is upset. Make a family trip to pick some out for the step children. It will make them feel less included if they do not have their name on the tree. That’s just how it is. They are already split between 2 homes,
Make sure their fathers home feels like their home. Can’t you remember being little? These children are exactly that - children. They won’t think of it logically. And they will notice.

PicturesOfDogs · 01/12/2022 14:10

I just thought as we’re given the POV of a few posters who were the ‘step children’ in this scenario, how they felt out of place and made to feel they didn’t belong, how they felt they were not as important etc, that I’d give the POV from the other side.

The funniest pet was that it was my mums boyfriends children, so he wasn’t even my dad!

Our life revolved around my step brother and step sister. We were not allowed to do anything/have anything/see anything without them being there.

While that may sound ‘fair’ to a lot of you, it wasn’t. It made me feel like no-one gave a shit about me, if I wanted something for Christmas, step sister would have to have the same thing so she didn’t feel left out.

If I wanted to go somewhere we would have to wait until they were free to do it, so they weren’t left out, and the reason they were busy was because they were usually doing something lovely with their own mum.

Everything, and I mean everything, revolved around them not being left out, but no-one seemed to notice when I was ‘left out’. Step sister being brought the exact same as me, but then also showed off the brand new gear that her mum had got her etc.

You understand the dynamics as an adult you didn’t understand as a child though.

My dad wasn’t around so it was only my mum who could give for us. Her and her partners money was ‘family money’ which is why we all got the same. The fact my dad wasn’t around and their mum was didn’t feature in the budget.

Looking back, there was definitely some competitive gift buying and one upmanship from step dad and his ex in regards to their kids. They just gleefully showed off the spoils by rubbing our faces in the fact they got more than us.

There is no easy way or one way to blend a family, but I guess the important thing is all kids are felt to be loved and appreciated.

I think that you can go too far one way or the other. The example the previous poster put of her sat at step grandparents house on Christmas without even a card while ‘real’ grandchildren showered with gifts is the other side of the coin to my story. Not being able to have anything unless step sister was there/waiting for her to come while she swanned in rubbing my face in the things she had already and rubbishing the presents waiting for her.

There needs to be balance, but don’t make the two years old relationship with his grandparents a contentious issue, they are his grandparents, and step children have their own grandparents.

He’s allowed for his grandparents to focus on him just as step childrens grandparents focus on them. He’s allowed to have something they don’t have.

dworky · 01/12/2022 14:10

He's right, of course. Children must be treated the same.

Ittakesavineyard · 01/12/2022 14:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

menopausalbloat · 01/12/2022 14:13

My stepdad's parents did stuff like this all the time. It eventually adds up and turns into resentment.

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/12/2022 14:15

Dotcheck · 30/11/2022 21:55

Agree

Show quote history

Yep - I agree.

It wouldn't be massively expensive and would make the child feel special.

However, as they haven't, he can get one himself for his child.

Ittakesavineyard · 01/12/2022 14:15

PicturesOfDogs · 01/12/2022 14:10

I just thought as we’re given the POV of a few posters who were the ‘step children’ in this scenario, how they felt out of place and made to feel they didn’t belong, how they felt they were not as important etc, that I’d give the POV from the other side.

The funniest pet was that it was my mums boyfriends children, so he wasn’t even my dad!

Our life revolved around my step brother and step sister. We were not allowed to do anything/have anything/see anything without them being there.

While that may sound ‘fair’ to a lot of you, it wasn’t. It made me feel like no-one gave a shit about me, if I wanted something for Christmas, step sister would have to have the same thing so she didn’t feel left out.

If I wanted to go somewhere we would have to wait until they were free to do it, so they weren’t left out, and the reason they were busy was because they were usually doing something lovely with their own mum.

Everything, and I mean everything, revolved around them not being left out, but no-one seemed to notice when I was ‘left out’. Step sister being brought the exact same as me, but then also showed off the brand new gear that her mum had got her etc.

You understand the dynamics as an adult you didn’t understand as a child though.

My dad wasn’t around so it was only my mum who could give for us. Her and her partners money was ‘family money’ which is why we all got the same. The fact my dad wasn’t around and their mum was didn’t feature in the budget.

Looking back, there was definitely some competitive gift buying and one upmanship from step dad and his ex in regards to their kids. They just gleefully showed off the spoils by rubbing our faces in the fact they got more than us.

There is no easy way or one way to blend a family, but I guess the important thing is all kids are felt to be loved and appreciated.

I think that you can go too far one way or the other. The example the previous poster put of her sat at step grandparents house on Christmas without even a card while ‘real’ grandchildren showered with gifts is the other side of the coin to my story. Not being able to have anything unless step sister was there/waiting for her to come while she swanned in rubbing my face in the things she had already and rubbishing the presents waiting for her.

There needs to be balance, but don’t make the two years old relationship with his grandparents a contentious issue, they are his grandparents, and step children have their own grandparents.

He’s allowed for his grandparents to focus on him just as step childrens grandparents focus on them. He’s allowed to have something they don’t have.

That’s really sad and I’m so sorry you had to go through this xx

Geville · 01/12/2022 14:17

menopausalbloat · 01/12/2022 14:13

My stepdad's parents did stuff like this all the time. It eventually adds up and turns into resentment.

This.

If your DH said it - it shows it means something to HIM. You married him - can't you respect his wishes now?

I'm a child of a blended family. It sucks. In the end, if they were your kids, you'd have tried harder. But they're not so you just slap it back at your DH.

That's a bit shit. Glad you aren't my step-mum.

Ittakesavineyard · 01/12/2022 14:19

hourbyhour101 · 01/12/2022 12:55

Things that cause outrage if DSC aren't exactly equal on mumsnet

  • expensive christmas presents
  • Disney
  • inheritance
  • and Christmas baubles

Flip that around and if DSC are on the receiving end of the above and DC aren't.

(They won't notice the inequality, won't remember not going to Disney, expensive presents, well they have their parents living together)

Is amazing how many people spouting treat all the kids the same, flip that around and actually suddenly there's various excuses reasons why dsc getting stuff over DC is totally fine.

I said what I said 🤷🏼‍♀️

THIS 🙌

Tinker1292 · 01/12/2022 14:19

Coming from a blended family, you think the kids don't care? They do. I wanted nothing more than to feel apart of my step familys family. I felt My sm didn't like us because she didn't include us. She'd make excuses of "but they're not their grandchildren/nieces/nephews and I had to sit through my half siblings getting more off my step family and not feeling equal. If they're not forth coming to you, it's because they're kids. I honestly think it's the little things they'll notice and be happy with. Can you just get them a couple of baubles?

Ittakesavineyard · 01/12/2022 14:20

Oh for goodness sake. Just put the bauble on the tree and let him get one if it means that much.

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