Page 14 | H being ridiculous over a bauble

Kikkk · 2022-11-30T21:51:42+00:00

Yes you read that right... A Christmas bauble is the latest source of ridiculousness in our house. My parents got all of their grandkids a personalised bauble this year to put on their trees which included our DC, along with my nephew and niece. They do this every year for Dsis' children but it's our child's second Christmas (weren't given one last year as only tiny) so first time they were given one. Apparently we can't possibly put this bauble up because DSC don't have the same bauble with their names on... Just go and buy a freaking bauble for them then! I can't cope with this level of stupidness.

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StephanieSuperpowers · 01/12/2022 10:16

OP, is your issue that your DH wants fairness (as he perceives it) enacted by everyone around him but will only complain and do nothing constructive to achieve it himself?

OriginalUsername2 · 01/12/2022 10:16

Now Mumsnet is arguing about the bauble 😂

Flapjackquack · 01/12/2022 10:17

OriginalUsername2 · 01/12/2022 10:16

Now Mumsnet is arguing about the bauble 😂

It’s very much not just about a bauble, obviously.

LeandraDear · 01/12/2022 10:26

All this again - let's look at all the threads where SMs have been well and truly told that they are NOT the SC's Mother, that the children HAVE a Mother and why is she sticking her nose in with amount of support paid, school evenings, concerts etc, that arrangements are nothing to do with her, she should be willing to have her SC to babysit while the Mother goes out etc YET HERE the bloody SM's PARENTS are supposed to buy a flipping bauble

StephanieSuperpowers · 01/12/2022 10:30

I think there's also an issue of how much your decisions make obligations for other people. If you marry a man with children, does that create an obligation for your parents to treat those children as their own, regardless of how they may feel about it?

Q2C4 · 01/12/2022 10:33

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 30/11/2022 22:27

I think your parents should buy baubles for ALL grandchildren if they do for any. Even if they dont know them very well. It's the principle of the matter.

What if DSC's grandparents also buy them a bauble? Should those grandparents also get baubles for OP's DC? Where does it end?!

FrizzledFrazzle · 01/12/2022 10:33

Oh man this thread is ridiculous. The older DSC is 14. He's not going to want a Christmas bauble with his name on it anyway. Particularly as it's a gift from a step-relative he barely knows.

Fairness isn't about treating everyone exactly the same / giving everyone the same gift. It's about meeting everyone's needs. In this case to feel part of a loving family at Christmas. If the DSC have those needs met through thoughtful gifts, longstanding family Christmas traditions, time doing special things both as a family and with their dad etc etc, they aren't going to feel left out because their younger sibling has a bauble on the Christmas tree from his grandparents.

excelledyourself · 01/12/2022 10:48

OP, if you are a SC yourself, with a stepdad, which 'parents' bought this bauble?

You say you don't recognise your stepdad as a parent, so is it that your recognise your SM as a parent along with your dad?

whumpthereitis · 01/12/2022 10:52

GreenManalishi · 01/12/2022 09:40

Again, this is not about the bauble. It's not even about extra
grandparents.

Your husband is letting you know that he is unhappy with the way you deal with his kids.

You're not listening to him, and you're not listening to any of the people who have tried to point this out.

She is hearing him, same as she is listening to what people are saying. Hearing someone doesn’t mean you have to accept that their issue is something you have to rectify. People are giving their opinions, not issuing diktats that OP has to obey.

The DH having a problem doesn’t mean OP has to suck it up and create a problem for herself and her parents. By the same token, OP has a problem with her DH’s expectations, so why isn’t it up to him to listen to her, and to take it upon himself to appease her? Or does it only go one way?

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 11:09

FrizzledFrazzle · 01/12/2022 10:33

Oh man this thread is ridiculous. The older DSC is 14. He's not going to want a Christmas bauble with his name on it anyway. Particularly as it's a gift from a step-relative he barely knows.

Fairness isn't about treating everyone exactly the same / giving everyone the same gift. It's about meeting everyone's needs. In this case to feel part of a loving family at Christmas. If the DSC have those needs met through thoughtful gifts, longstanding family Christmas traditions, time doing special things both as a family and with their dad etc etc, they aren't going to feel left out because their younger sibling has a bauble on the Christmas tree from his grandparents.

I really agree with this. People have strong feelings about SC as we all know but it's just honestly so unlikely a 14 year old would care about this. They'd be much more likely to care about playing Xbox with their mate and smoking cigs in the park (you get the idea).

The chances of them actually caring about a personalised bauble, let alone them being identical to the one the toddler has, are so slim. He could so easily pick one each for them so all the baubles are unique.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 01/12/2022 11:14

DH does not care about the bauble, its the hypervigilance for any perceived 'unfairness', which disney dads are always on the lookout for because it saves them actually parenting. If he wants his kids to have baubles he can get his lazy disney dad arse to the shop and buy them. But actually, he probably expects you to do it, outsourcing his parenting and trying to enforce this by guilting you. So well done for spotting it and resisting.

Original poster

Kikkk · 01/12/2022 11:16

excelledyourself · 01/12/2022 10:48

OP, if you are a SC yourself, with a stepdad, which 'parents' bought this bauble?

You say you don't recognise your stepdad as a parent, so is it that your recognise your SM as a parent along with your dad?

My mum and dad. They are very amicable and good friends and often buy joint gifts if something expensive or sentimental for example. They took us away for my sister's 30th last year.

OP posts:

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 01/12/2022 11:25

What if DSC's grandparents also buy them a bauble? Should those grandparents also get baubles for OP's DC? Where does it end?!

Well obviously yes! "DSC's grandparents" are DH's parents, so they are grandparents to all DH's children - so in my opinion, as I said, if any grandparents buy something special for any grandchildren, they should include ALL grandchildren.

JustLurkingAway · 01/12/2022 11:37

What if DSC's grandparents also buy them a bauble? Should those grandparents also get baubles for OP's DC? Where does it end?!

How does that make any sense?

The OP's parents are involved with the DSC via her marriage to their dad, regardless of how involved they actually are with them. The DSC's grandparents aren't connected to OP's DC in any way.

PicturesOfDogs · 01/12/2022 11:42

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 01/12/2022 11:25

What if DSC's grandparents also buy them a bauble? Should those grandparents also get baubles for OP's DC? Where does it end?!

Well obviously yes! "DSC's grandparents" are DH's parents, so they are grandparents to all DH's children - so in my opinion, as I said, if any grandparents buy something special for any grandchildren, they should include ALL grandchildren.

They meant the grandparents on Step DCs mum side clearly

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 11:51

The OP's parents are involved with the DSC via her marriage to their dad, regardless of how involved they actually are with them. The DSC's grandparents aren't connected to OP's DC in any way.

This is the really contradictory part that people don't seem to get, though. They're not "involved with them even if they're not involved with them". If they're not involved, they're not involved. There are all kinds of families out there and not all of them have any connection even if they do have relatives that are married. There are members of my OHs family that I've never met, marriage doesn't change that.

People really just need to come to terms with the fact that many step parents families really have absolutely no involvement with their step children, and this is not a source of discomfort or even on the radar for either them or the SC themselves. OP is a prime example of that with her relationship with her own SP. People just need to chill out and stop assuming that any family that is not like theirs is upsetting.

DifferentPlanet · 01/12/2022 11:53

Was your DH equally upset about this unfairness last year when your nephew/niece received a bauble and your child didn't? If not, why not?

JustLurkingAway · 01/12/2022 12:02

I do get the point about them not being very involved and dynamics being different, but, if the parents do buy the DSC a present for Christmas then how hard would it be to buy them a bloody bauble too?!

StephanieSuperpowers · 01/12/2022 12:04

I don't think it's a question of it being hard - clearly it would be trivially easy. It's a question of whether they want to (they don't or they would have done it) and whether they're obliged to (which is a matter of opinion). They want to get a bauble for all their grandchildren that match across families each year. In their eyes, they did that.

Flapjackquack · 01/12/2022 12:07

JustLurkingAway · 01/12/2022 12:02

I do get the point about them not being very involved and dynamics being different, but, if the parents do buy the DSC a present for Christmas then how hard would it be to buy them a bloody bauble too?!

Because they weren’t hanging on his Christmas tree? Would be odd to have baubles on your tree with the names of children that aren’t yours/don’t live with you.

JustLurkingAway · 01/12/2022 12:08

As I said before, I don't necessarily think the grandparents are obliged to include the DSC, same as I don't think OP is obliged to buy them a bloody bauble either! The problem is it offending their dad when OP isn't bothered by it potentially upsetting the DSC.

Of course the grandparents don't HAVE to buy the same for everyone, though I'm sure it would've been a nice gesture. It's more the fact that OP can't see the reasoning behind DH being bothered.

StephanieSuperpowers · 01/12/2022 12:11

It's more the fact that OP can't see the reasoning behind DH being bothered.

I wonder though if DH gets bothered about what other people are doing for his kids quite a lot? It may be that this is part of a pattern where he's keeping score of every single thing everyone around him is doing for his children and the OP is weary of the constant monitoring?

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/12/2022 12:12

DP can solve this in an instant by simply purchasing a bauble for his children.

The GPs are under no obligation to buy for his children. It isn’t mean or uncaring of them.

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 12:16

JustLurkingAway · 01/12/2022 12:08

As I said before, I don't necessarily think the grandparents are obliged to include the DSC, same as I don't think OP is obliged to buy them a bloody bauble either! The problem is it offending their dad when OP isn't bothered by it potentially upsetting the DSC.

Of course the grandparents don't HAVE to buy the same for everyone, though I'm sure it would've been a nice gesture. It's more the fact that OP can't see the reasoning behind DH being bothered.

But she has no reason to be deeply worried about them being upset because she's already presented the obvious solution - he can buy them a bauble.

And she may, like many of us, not really think children of that age/these particular children are likely to be bothered by it.

JustLurkingAway · 01/12/2022 12:20

StephanieSuperpowers · 01/12/2022 12:11

It's more the fact that OP can't see the reasoning behind DH being bothered.

I wonder though if DH gets bothered about what other people are doing for his kids quite a lot? It may be that this is part of a pattern where he's keeping score of every single thing everyone around him is doing for his children and the OP is weary of the constant monitoring?

Could be the case, in which case it's more understandable tbf. But if not, it's just a shame OP doesn't get where he's coming from.

Interesting to know though that my stepmums weird for having a bauble with my name on their tree when I was a child