Xmas - is it reasonable for him to stay at his mum's and visit?

[LovelyBitOfSquirrel69]

22yo stepson left home for Uni 4 years ago. Doesn't come home much as it's a long train journey. For various reasons we no longer have a bedroom for him at our house but his mum lives only 20 mins away and he has a room there.

Am sure he'll be home for Xmas which is great, but I don't really want the chaos that comes with him sleeping on a sofa/mattress on the floor etc. Is it acceptable to have him come visit, have dinner etc etc and then have him sleep at his mum's where he has a bedroom?

Not really if you want him to feel at home

No it's not my sil did this and completely alienated their child (they also as soon as eldest went to uni bought a car that would only fit the remaining family)

I would always have a space for my child if they needed it

Acceptable to who? Him? You’d have to ask him. General society? I’d guess at no, it’s rather alienating and treats him like a random guest. If you’ve got no bedroom for him, you’ll need to put up with him sleeping on the sofa, which is already a rather stark reminder that he doesn’t belong in my opinion.

Does he have a car ?
It depends on his mum's plans too- his bed might be used by a guest that night.

Why would you do this to your partners son? Is he still at uni? Would you want this done to your children?

Nope, no car. Husband would be taxi-ing him. His mum doesn't ever have guests.

Our older SC don't have rooms at our house but we always offer to put them up if they spend the evening here.

No. It's Christmas ffs. I don't understand your thinking at all.

Sounds pretty mean to me actually - what does his dad say?

What are the 'various reasons' that he doesn't have a room there anymore?

I don't really want the chaos that comes with him sleeping on a sofa/mattress on the floor etc

Chaos?

What does his Dad think about your not welcoming his son?

I'd say it depends if he's happy to do that. If it's suggested he might prefer to sleep in a proper bed, there's a lot of logic to it. But if he particularly wants to sleep at yours I wouldn't stop him.

Will your daughter and the younger stepson be staying at yours?

You're being awful, you know that don't you?

She clearly does not see him as her son and wants to phase him out.

Pretty harsh thing to do.

I imagine that OPs children have a relationship with DSS even if she's doesn't want to embrace him.

Just embrace the "chaos". It's a small "sacrifice".

The absolute chaos of someone sleeping in a sofa 🤣

I think it gives a very unwelcoming message.

Erm, he doesn't get up til lunchtime. Which means I can't use my living room all morning.

But ok....fairly unanimous response.

IErm, he doesn't get up til lunchtime. Which means I can't use my living room all morning

Oh come on. You are all adults, surely between the 3 of you you can manage a conversation about getting up before lunchtime?

Unless you've downsized since he left, presumably he used to sleep in a bedroom? If you don't have a bed, can he not sleep on a fold out or whatever in a room that isn't your living room?

Well hopefully he doesn’t come as he’s clearly totally unwelcome and likely knows it too and def will once he’s told he can’t stay with you. This is your husbands child not a random you’ve agreed to house for Christmas. Bet he can’t wait to come home.

I would want to make him welcome yes. He is your family now.
It is Christmas.
Can SS sleep elsewhere in dc's room, and have the children sleeping in a Christmas teepee by the tree? Make it fun and exciting for your dc?

If I were him, I'd want you to tell me "are really looking forward to seeing you and really sorry you have to sleep on sofa bla bla. Sofa bed needs to be away by 9.30. Hope it doesn't disturb your routine too much! "

Then I'd choose to go and stay at my mums haha

You do sound very disappointed by the responses op.
It is Christmas, and once a year, as it is you have removed his bedroom, and now you would like him not to stay at all? It is abit sad and will make him feel excluded, personally I would be going and above to make him really welcome assuming you want happy and peaceful family connections.

Invite him to stay genuinely meaning it but as it’s Xmas and you’ll be in and out of the living room then he might prefer to get a lift back to his mums so he can sleep in undisturbed.