Xmas - is it reasonable for him to stay at his mum's and visit?

[LovelyBitOfSquirrel69]

22yo stepson left home for Uni 4 years ago. Doesn't come home much as it's a long train journey. For various reasons we no longer have a bedroom for him at our house but his mum lives only 20 mins away and he has a room there.

Am sure he'll be home for Xmas which is great, but I don't really want the chaos that comes with him sleeping on a sofa/mattress on the floor etc. Is it acceptable to have him come visit, have dinner etc etc and then have him sleep at his mum's where he has a bedroom?

I mean it's really not a step problem in my opinion.

Older kids move out, then they come back at Christmas and everyone kips everywhere, if bedrooms allow a mattress on the floor for a bit grand but if not sofa is fine. I however quite like chaos and recognise not everyone's the same.

I personally think given the battering OPs had on comments here I probably wouldn't be giving extra info either.

That said I don't think the whole stay at your mothers vibe is required or helpful.

@LovelyBitOfSquirrel69 i am also a step mum who really struggled with DSS at times, so you will get a sympathetic ear from me. If, for example, there are now more people living in your house, or you have moved and have less bedrooms, then I get where you’re coming from. We certainly didn’t keep DSS’s room as a shrine when he went to uni. But as I don’t quite understand the whole picture, it’s hard to advise. Would an air bed on the landing work?

Haha we literally have the tiniest landing so no! TBH I'm seriously struggling the the concept of him having to kip rough at our house when he has a perfectly good bed 20 minutes across town! Why even would you?! He can come and have a nice dinner, few drinks, then his dad will pay for a taxi back to mum's for him.

My own adult kid doesn't have a room at their dad's any more so they stay at mine and have dinner with dad them come home. No one is traumatised from that experience.

Well if there’s literally no room for him, I would offer him ONE night on the sofa and after that he could sleep at his mother’s, but still visit his Dad during the day/evening? Step families get a bit hung up on counting overnight stays in my experience, even when they are adults. I don’t understand why he would need to spend approx 6 nights over a fortnight, between two parents?

OP why did you start this thread if you've already made up your mind and don't seem interested in what people say?

Honestly he's an adult. Ask him what he wants to do. Tell him that either is fine with you. He might much rather sleep at his mum's but feel guilty at not spending as much time with his dad. Have an adult conversation about it.

Exactly this. Surely it’s his choice? “You’re welcome here but we’ll need the living room by 10am (or whatever), or we are happy to ferry you back and forth to your mum’s.”

By the time I was in my early 20s, my parents had downsized slightly, so if my brother and I had both wanted a spare room at the same time there wouldn't have been room. I don't think either of us gave two hoots about it, and I'm sure the situation wouldn't have caused outrage on MN, probably because we weren't step children.

But bring step children into the equation and a whole different set of dynamics comes into play, and it gets really irrational. At what age are you allowed to let their bedrooms go?!

What does he want? Did he spend most of the time at his mum’s or yours?

After being away at uni, I’m sure that my child would choose where to stay at his very own convenience (ie. Nearer to his friends/ activities) if he had a chance.

I don't feel that it's unreasonable to suggest he stays at his mums house where he has a bedroom especially if your unable to use your living room all morning.

Why don't you give him your room and you get an air bed for the lounge
We've done that , they're surprisingly comfy

If you want him to feel unwelcome carry on. What have you changed his old bedroom in to that can’t accommodate a mattress or sofa bed? There will always be a bed in my house for my kids.

Absolutely not. He will be fine on teh sofa. Get over yourself. He might suggest he goes to his mum's but that's up to him.

Just put up with him sleeping in the lounge. It's Christmas.

If he sleeps while noon then tough to him though. Just go about your day on boxing day. Go in the living room when you normally do. There will be a spare bed then if he insists on a lie in

Having two children at university-one 18 and one 21-I know they aren’t much different to under 18s really! Yes, they love their mates, but wouldn’t be staying with them over Xmas as they’d be staying their own parents!

Mine will always be welcome her, whether it’s in their bedroom or on an air bed on their sibling’s floor if for some reason their old rooms weren’t available. I would rather sleep in the lounge on an air bed myself and give them my bed, than make them feel unwelcome.

What does your DH and your step-son want to do?

The reason he doesn’t have a room is also relevant in how it would appear to him - being used by younger children who live there all the time is understandable. Your adult children staying over and getting priority - could come across very unwelcoming.

Do your children are in good terms with their other parent and a have a room over there? if that is the case they would more likely choose to stay at the place they feel more comfortable or closer to their friends.

Agree.

@FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee can you link to it please? I'm rubbish with Twitter.

I have a DS the same age. He is also at uni. When he comes home he visits his dad and extended family on his dads side, but always comes home to sleep. His dad has a spare room, but he chooses to come home. His sister on the other hand will sometimes choose to stay with her dad.

My DS often visits and has dinner with his dad without his sister. So it is not linked to there not being a bedroom. He just prefers his own bedroom.

I'd speak to DSS and ask his preference and be guided by that conversation. If you point out be will need to be up earlier so you can use the lounge, he is likely to want to go home.

I will also add my DS does not have a great relationship with his dad, so that is also probably why he chooses to come and sleep here.

@Albgo

I don't use Twitter much. I searched #duvetknowitschristmas and clicked the photos tab.

Having someone sleeping in the kitchen would not work for the majority of households over Christmas!

@FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee thank you!

When I moved out my dad and step mum turned my bedroom into a second front room. This didn’t bother me in the slightest as why would they keep my room to collect dust when I’d stay literally 1 or two nights a year. They have however got a 4 bedroom house (which is now three due to turning one of the rooms into a second living room). When I do stay on the very rare occasion with my partner they put us up in one of the guest rooms. However if they said we had to kip on the sofa I wouldn’t care. I think to say you have to go back to mums isn’t a nice thing tbf I’m also now a SM myself. I’d just put him up on the sofa and get on with it. It’s Christmas

What you mean is your too set up a bed for him for the night.

Stop being so selfish think of your step son not yourself.