Xmas - is it reasonable for him to stay at his mum's and visit?

[LovelyBitOfSquirrel69]

22yo stepson left home for Uni 4 years ago. Doesn't come home much as it's a long train journey. For various reasons we no longer have a bedroom for him at our house but his mum lives only 20 mins away and he has a room there.

Am sure he'll be home for Xmas which is great, but I don't really want the chaos that comes with him sleeping on a sofa/mattress on the floor etc. Is it acceptable to have him come visit, have dinner etc etc and then have him sleep at his mum's where he has a bedroom?

It’s Xmas day and it’s all about families. If you want to do the good and moral thing you should welcome his son and all that goes with it

of course you can put your foot down but the son will know it is you that has done so. If you don’t care fine but try not to moan when you don’t get invited to the wedding and he starts excluding you when his chances come along

oh and also for anyone reading this don’t marry a guy with kids if you can’t treat them with the same respect afforded to them by their own parents. They really are for life and not just for weekends or until they reach 16

Not ok. It's not forever, just suck it up and deal with him sleeping on your couch.

I am guessing your DD at Uni is your DHs Stepchild?

Remember - your Stepson is your DH child. So why does you DD get precedence over his DS?

Its as plain as day to everyone its you who doesn't want him there. Here's hoping your DH isn't weak and pathetic to allow you to push his DS out.
He has as much right to be in that house as your DD, but you obviously don't see it like that.

What'll happen when the teenage SS goes to Uni? Will you be pushing him out as well?

I would give DSS our bedroom for the night, in that way he would have some privacy and I would have a livingroom available in the morning.

Try to reverse roles and think how would you feel if your DH would imply that your child visiting at Christmas and wanting to stay overnight is an inconvenience for him

You simply tell him that he has to be up by whatever time you choose. You remind me of a relative who seems to think that asking her son to actually get up rather than just waiting for him to do so some time after lunch (while we all wait for him) is entirely impossible.

If he protests at needing to be up and about so you can use the room, THEN you can offer him the alternative of sleeping at his mum's. Or even vacating the sofa and then crashing on your bed.

You've just made my day.

Thank you.

22yo stepson left home for Uni 4 years ago. Doesn't come home much as it's a long train journey ..... and he doesn't have anywhere to sleep when he gets here.

Exactly.

I mean, he does though. Who needs two bedrooms in a hometown you barely visit?

FWIW he never lived here full time, his main home was always his mum's. He wasn't here in the summer except for quick visits when he stayed with his mum and saw his dad for dinner etc. He was working full time in his uni city on an internship and very much considers his uni town as 'home' now (he said his himself)).

But anyhoo, thanks for the replies.

I think its acceptable to ask if its a possibility for him and his mum? Perhaps his mum would also like to see him? Mum might not like feeling like a hotel though. Would he perhaps like to see dad in the morning and go to mums in the afternoon?

Him not having a room is of course fine when he's living at university but i there should be a back up especially for something like Christmas but talking just aRandom friday etc

What dc sleeping in a teepee? Am I reading a completely different thread? I see nothing about any other dc. The ss is 22. He's never lived at this house. What is so dire about staying at Mum's house? Is mum an ogre? He has a room there. Can people never downsize ever? Are people supposed to keep a room for dc forever? Jesus.

Is he the only DC between both houses? I think that might make a difference. I would assume that as your DH's son it should be ok for him to stay over if it's Xmas or any other time really. I no longer have a room at my parents but I can stay in their office or living room. It would be weird to never be able to stay over, that would make me feel rather unwelcomed even though technically I've never lived in my parents' current house and when they downsized I no longer had a room there.

Can't his dad ask him where he wants to stay, bearing in mind he'd be on the sofa and would have to get up early? I would have thought he'd want to stay at his mum's and just visit for the meal or a few hours.

Probably because the alternative is for him to admit that his father and stepmother are fulfilling the traditional stereotypical role of not giving a damn about him.

What a shame that he doesn’t feel welcome in his father’s home.

Probably because the alternative is for him to admit that his father and stepmother are fulfilling the traditional stereotypical role of not giving a damn about him.

Or maybe he's got a whole life of his own? Like 22 year olds do?

Why the name change, OP?

I still can’t work out what happened to his ‘old’ bedroom? I totally understand you can’t keep a room free for someone who is hardly ever there. I also wouldn’t want someone using the lounge as a bedroom, particularly not at Christmas. But is there nowhere upstairs that he could be squeezed into for a night or too?

People aren't saying he needs a bedroom. Just.somewhere to sleep in his dad's house.

Totally reasonable in my opinion. He doesn't live with you, he lives at his uni town and when he returns he stops at his mums and visits you. I do not know any co-parents in that situation who would keep a whole room dedicated for a 22yo when they only spend a few nights a year there.

I would ask the adult-child what their intentions are over the holiday period and offer to pay for taxis at their convenience so they get to sleep in peace without having to put themselves out by sleeping on the sofa.

In my experience as a step kid I would have appreciated a peaceful night sleep and my own space!

For various reasons we no longer have a bedroom for him at our house

Who or what is in his old bedroom? Can they/that not sleep in with someone else/on the lounge floor for one night to make him welcome?!

As someone with a 21 year old son who has been at university for three years, I cannot wait for them to come home when it’s Xmas! I know he considers his home at his university town, but that doesn’t mean he’s not totally welcome here!

Egh he's not a child being forced to sleep under stairs he's at uni, no one I know keeps their adults child's room/memorial vacant for the possibility they might come home. I appreciate some may do but some maybe able to afford to heat a 5 bedroom house with two people.

That said let him Kip on the sofa and tell him wake up time is x - it doesn't have to be a thing.

That said let him Kip on the sofa and tell him wake up time is x - it doesn't have to be a thing.

I still don’t think it’s great to use the lounge as a bedroom. And I don’t think the OP said how long he wants to stay? But the OP hasn’t said whether or not he could be squeezed in upstairs somewhere. Also, I don’t understand why he can’t have his ‘old’ bedroom for a few nights? I feel I need a bit more info.

No more info sorry, as you'll use it as a stick to beat me with. I know how these things work. Old bedroom is not a possibility.

It'll probably be 6 nights broken up over a two week period, so not just the odd night.