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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What happens re maintenance in this situation ?

375 replies

Chenillerug · 18/11/2022 18:03

If a father is paying maintenance as has a good income so was paying enough to allow ex to just work part time but now he has given up work to be a carer so I assume it will go through the csa not a private arrangement and how is it worked out?

Ex is very unhappy but we have said although maintenance will drop we could actually have sd more so that ex can work full time which is reasonable but apparently not ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chenillerug · 18/11/2022 20:02

LesClaypoolsHat · 18/11/2022 19:59

I'm lost.

So in the space of 6 years he's had 3 kids with 2 different women, and will no longer be able to financially support child 1?

Do you now need full time care op? Can he not work at all? It sounds like apart from the driving you can more often than not look after your child on a day to day basis.

I sympathise with you for being ill, but I also feel bad for his ex and the SD in this situation.

It just seems mad for him to quit working completely.

He will still support sd but just not as much money but can offer more time.

He has provided a lot already to make sure sd doesn’t ever go without and will continue to do as much as possible but the reality is it won’t be as much as it has been

OP posts:
SavingKitten · 18/11/2022 20:04

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/11/2022 20:01

Yes, I am saying that. If the new relationship is going to take away from the support being provided to the existing child, as in this case, it's just wrong. No one is owed a relationship and having f-ed up the first one, and created a broken home for the first child, it's wrong to enter into another set of major obligations just to gratify oneself. Wait till the kid is grown.

Voluntarily diluting the time, money and effort available to support the first child is a bad choice.

This is from the OP: I have been a cater for my severely autistic child for 3 years now but I have a long term condition that has worsened so dh can now be my carer as well it just depends on the level of pip.

I interpreted that as her medical condition and her children pre-dating her relationship with the current "dh." Apologies if that is incorrect.

OP, what is the actual order of events? Are your children fathered by your current husband or did you have them before entering this relationship?

Show quote history

I’m struggling to see were OP says it’s her DHs fault the first relationship ended… and that he was the one who ended it.

Also she doesn’t actually clearly say a few times the kids are her DHs, I did miss this earlier in the thread too but she’s said it again since so that’s the order of events.

Original poster
Chenillerug · 18/11/2022 20:04

toomuchlaundry · 18/11/2022 19:49

So what about school holidays? Will OP’s household be able to take on the 6yo over the holidays? Will they be paying for uniform, food etc?

We have always got school uniform that was additional on top of maintenance we would be continuing to do that it usually has been once a year summer holidays a big shop and then as and when if things have been grown out of

OP posts:
Original poster
Chenillerug · 18/11/2022 20:05

SavingKitten · 18/11/2022 20:04

I’m struggling to see were OP says it’s her DHs fault the first relationship ended… and that he was the one who ended it.

Also she doesn’t actually clearly say a few times the kids are her DHs, I did miss this earlier in the thread too but she’s said it again since so that’s the order of events.

Show quote history

ex ended the relationship when sd was 3 months old

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/11/2022 20:06

It doesn't really matter who ended the relationship. That doesn't change his parental obligation to do his very best for the existing child and to avoid entanglements that undermine that effort.

LesClaypoolsHat · 18/11/2022 20:07

So both of your children are his?

Do you now need full time care op? Can he not work at all? It sounds like apart from the driving you can more often than not look after your child on a day to day basis.

It sounds like a huge step for him to stop working completely.

SavingKitten · 18/11/2022 20:07

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/11/2022 20:06

It doesn't really matter who ended the relationship. That doesn't change his parental obligation to do his very best for the existing child and to avoid entanglements that undermine that effort.

Yeah but his other children also exist.

Original poster
Chenillerug · 18/11/2022 20:08

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/11/2022 20:06

It doesn't really matter who ended the relationship. That doesn't change his parental obligation to do his very best for the existing child and to avoid entanglements that undermine that effort.

He is trying to do the best for all 3 children

OP posts:
Original poster
Chenillerug · 18/11/2022 20:09

LesClaypoolsHat · 18/11/2022 20:07

So both of your children are his?

Do you now need full time care op? Can he not work at all? It sounds like apart from the driving you can more often than not look after your child on a day to day basis.

It sounds like a huge step for him to stop working completely.

Yes both are his

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 18/11/2022 20:09

lunar1 · 18/11/2022 18:57

I think some of these responses are awful. Can you imagine being in the op's position and having to come to terms with not being able to care for your own children independently?

It sounds like that's her reality right now, as well as needing care herself.

At no point in any of her posts is she trying to pay as little as possible. She's trying to understand their position.

The mum might not be happy, it's understandably difficult that things affecting another family unit will have a direct effect on her. Hopefully the dad can do some of the running around that the RP can often struggle with when their ex works full time.

It's a shitty situation for everyone, some compassion all around is needed.

Yes some very awful posts. If OP needs that level of care they're not choosing to reduce maintenance, it's an unfortunate outcome of OPs condition worsenig. I don't know anyone with a chronic illness or disability who would be thinking great we can get PIP and carers and not work at all now. If she's like me and my friends she's already beaten herself up way to much for all of this. I know there are people out there who play the system, but the vast majority of people who get benefits because they're too sick/disabled to work would give anything to be healthy enough to work even a few hours each week.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 18/11/2022 20:10

fjäl · 18/11/2022 19:27

She probably just wants him to provide basic financial assistance for the child he helped create, and now he has a new family thinks providing a bit of babysitting is adequate.

Show quote history

I wouldn't call more than the 40% of the time he already has his child "a bit of babysitting".

The previous maintenance seems high considering the contact schedule, was he paying much above before, or was he a high earner?

whynotwhatknot · 18/11/2022 20:11

the op dc sound like they have complex needs which she cant do alone anymore

what else are they supposed to do

i think 50 is still enough to offer her plus having sd more during the week

Endofmyteatherr · 18/11/2022 20:12

@HunterHearstHelmsley yes he's definitely a high earner, £600 a month for one child, plus uniforms each year.

Lennybenny · 18/11/2022 20:13

A £600 loss for anyone in the current climate is horrendous. How do you know she doesn't use it to pay for utilities and her wage and UC covers everything else. Maintenance isnt taken into account for benefits so that money will be topping her and your sd up so they can live properly. No wonder ex w is unhappy. You've completely ruined her finances.

You haven't said anything negative about her so she's obviously using the money as it's supposed to be and not wasting it and now you're expecting her to cope financially without it. Dh must've been on a bloody good wage to pay her that much and keep a house with 3 other dependents. you reckon you would never let dd go without, she's going to be now.
How much do you think he's going to get from a carers allowance? You're going to be living the dream. You have good and bad days? We all do. If we can't drive we find something else. We don't expect partners to look after us.

So on the good days, he sits around doing nothing and you expect ex w to work harder as if its that easy? Why don't you wfh and he be the main carer for the children and you?

Original poster
Chenillerug · 18/11/2022 20:14

Yes he was a high earner

OP posts:
Original poster
Chenillerug · 18/11/2022 20:16

Lennybenny · 18/11/2022 20:13

A £600 loss for anyone in the current climate is horrendous. How do you know she doesn't use it to pay for utilities and her wage and UC covers everything else. Maintenance isnt taken into account for benefits so that money will be topping her and your sd up so they can live properly. No wonder ex w is unhappy. You've completely ruined her finances.

You haven't said anything negative about her so she's obviously using the money as it's supposed to be and not wasting it and now you're expecting her to cope financially without it. Dh must've been on a bloody good wage to pay her that much and keep a house with 3 other dependents. you reckon you would never let dd go without, she's going to be now.
How much do you think he's going to get from a carers allowance? You're going to be living the dream. You have good and bad days? We all do. If we can't drive we find something else. We don't expect partners to look after us.

So on the good days, he sits around doing nothing and you expect ex w to work harder as if its that easy? Why don't you wfh and he be the main carer for the children and you?

It would be a £400 loss as we would pay £50 a week and still buy things like the uniform etc as we always have done.
Ex remained in the family home they had together so they are well provided for he moved in with his parents when they split up and then subsequently moved in with me. Yes I appreciate in the current climate £400 is a lot to lose but we are trying to do the best we can

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/11/2022 20:18

SavingKitten · 18/11/2022 20:07

Yeah but his other children also exist.

Show quote history

Presumably they did not exist when he and the ex split up. that is my point.

If he can't take on additional responsibility without undermining the support he gives to his existing child, he shouldn't take on the additional responsibility. Period.

fjäl · 18/11/2022 20:18

@HunterHearstHelmsley I'd call a father having his child from Friday evening to Monday morning a Disney Dad actually. Now he wants to do some babysitting in the week so mum can work more, see her kid less but still carry on doing all the day to day home tasks. He sounds like an absolute prince!

excelledyourself · 18/11/2022 20:19

Lennybenny · 18/11/2022 20:13

A £600 loss for anyone in the current climate is horrendous. How do you know she doesn't use it to pay for utilities and her wage and UC covers everything else. Maintenance isnt taken into account for benefits so that money will be topping her and your sd up so they can live properly. No wonder ex w is unhappy. You've completely ruined her finances.

You haven't said anything negative about her so she's obviously using the money as it's supposed to be and not wasting it and now you're expecting her to cope financially without it. Dh must've been on a bloody good wage to pay her that much and keep a house with 3 other dependents. you reckon you would never let dd go without, she's going to be now.
How much do you think he's going to get from a carers allowance? You're going to be living the dream. You have good and bad days? We all do. If we can't drive we find something else. We don't expect partners to look after us.

So on the good days, he sits around doing nothing and you expect ex w to work harder as if its that easy? Why don't you wfh and he be the main carer for the children and you?

Some of what you've written is quite cruel.

I can see why the ex is upset, but OP's situation wouldn't be my idea of "the dream".

yellowstickerbargain · 18/11/2022 20:19

Dontbelieveawordofit · 18/11/2022 19:50

@yellowstickerbargain funny how you immediately leapt to the conclusion I was referring to you...mmm, the lady do protest too much

Exactly how is the scenario as presented, whether he pays £7 or £50 a week, classed as equal? Even if the mum is able to take on full-time work and OP takes care of their child the odd extra hour, how does mum working full-time, seeing DC less, being financially responsible for housing needs, clothing, utility bills, food while dad provides nothing except a few hours in a home where all the attention and care us going to be concentrated on poorly half sibling and SM classify as equal?. Doesn't sound equal or fair to me and I'm guessing if it was happening to you, you wouldn't be so keen neither.

But you enjoy your 'first wife' status...while it lasts

Well your post seemed aimed at people who aren't furious on behalf of the ex and think the op and her DH are being unreasonable, so if no me and the other posters with similar views to mine, who is your post aimed at? I don't give a shit if you think I 'protest to much' , MNHQ can easily verify that I've been on here for ten years and have never changed the fundamental account of my life circumstances.

Why exactly are you so mad that the ex might have to work full time? Hit a nerve? Might you have to work full time one day?!

LesClaypoolsHat · 18/11/2022 20:20

Can he not at least go part time so he still has some income?

Is his job something transferable that could translate to working from home?

Dontbelieveawordofit · 18/11/2022 20:20

OP states that her benefits have recently been raised and she has said she and DC is on PIP and/DLA. Both of these have levels for mobility (help getting around) and care (help in the home). Whatever level you are on, these awards are supposed to go towards these costs. So, for example, OP can't drive anymore so the money she gets on the mobility element would go towards costs of getting taxis to appointments etc. The care element can be used to pay for extra help around the home, ie a cleaner or carer maybe. She has already said she is not incapacitated every day. It's a fluctuating health condition. Therefore, she would not need DH's full-time help.
If OP was using her benefits for the things they are awarded for, there would be no need for DH to give up a well paid job and stop financially providing for his first born child.

toomuchlaundry · 18/11/2022 20:20

How much income will you lose @Chenillerug

fjäl · 18/11/2022 20:22

@Chenillerug so why is your husband not considering looking for a WFH job? To provide for all 3 of his children.

Greysanatomyfan · 18/11/2022 20:22

Chenillerug · 18/11/2022 20:14

Yes he was a high earner

So why was he only paying 150 a week?