What happens re maintenance in this situation ?

[Chenillerug]

If a father is paying maintenance as has a good income so was paying enough to allow ex to just work part time but now he has given up work to be a carer so I assume it will go through the csa not a private arrangement and how is it worked out?

Ex is very unhappy but we have said although maintenance will drop we could actually have sd more so that ex can work full time which is reasonable but apparently not ?

@Endofmyteatherr your competent right mum doesn't have to let dad have extra access.

However she does have to accept the money will be going down. OPs and her DH aren't asking for permission to do this.

The things she can influencing her situation are either working more or allowing more contact to enable her to work. She can do neither of those things and cut her cloth accordingly. Having a tantrum does diddly squat.

I say this as someone who literally gets a pittance from my ex. That's what happens when you get divorced, the ex is no longer in control or a deciding factor in things.

Although I will say I think more planning needs to go into the plan. The idea isn't to keep the ex happy. The idea is to do what's best for all members and children of the family (which the ex wife is no longer part of)

It's depressing I'm having to say this as a actual ex wife.

OP, why dont you employ someone with the carers allowance thus enabling your DH to continue working and bringing in a good wage?

Because that's not how carer's allowance works?

OP, why dont you employ someone with the carers allowance thus enabling your DH to continue working and bringing in a good wage?

That would provide around four hours of care a week, how much do you think carers allowance is?!

OP has not said ex has been raging about the money has she? I think ex is just shocked which is a natural reaction. Nobody said must was hard done by.

These are wild suggestions on your behalf. We have spoke upon the money but why are you and others ramming down the fact that dad needs to up contact? sorry but dad has enough on his plate to be contending with. DAD only has one pair of hands. One of OP kids also has additional needs....OP is very unwell also.

Your quite clearly been obtuse here.

Children aren't property. Dads are on equal footing in terms of contact and thankfully that's also now being recognised in court.Being a mum doesn't give you complete control of how little or how much another parent sees their child. Anyone that does do that without valid reason (aka abuse) is damaging their children and putting their own self interest above the needs of a child

By the same token, being a dad doesn't give you complete control over changes to existing arrangements, at the heart of which is about a young child seeing one of their parents less. Becoming a carer can't be helped, but it is absolutely about putting one family's situation first above the other. There is legitimate concern here as to how a father with two people's needs to see to on a full time basis and how that might impact the care given to the NR child. Don't assume the courts will just order 50/50.

And that's before considering how easy it may or may not be for the ex to just increase her hours, obtain childcare for her time and assuming the needs of the child in question are such that additional time with dad is reasonable

Thank you for bringing some humanity to this thread @hourbyhour101.

You need to ask your local authority for a Care Act Assessment.

one of the eligibility criteria is caring for children if you have your own care and support needs. As a social worker I've arranged funding for lots of working age parents with disabilities to enable them to have a support worker at home with them while their partner works. If you are on a low income already then it's unlikely you would have to pay much towards this and only your income is taken into account, not your partners.

it would be ludicrous for you husband to give up his job, putting two families into financial constraints, when there are vastly better options to consider first.

@Shiningsilverargent question op can't stop being sick (I'm sure she would like to) DH has become her carer and had to give up his job (I'm sure he doesn't want that or op either for that matter) ex doesn't like it well guess what they all have in common.

Can anyone give me a actual realistic plan ? Given the above, facts are a fact. No moralising can change it. I don't agree it's shit for all involved.

There's a lot of assumptions going on saying her DH hasn't considered the impact of becoming his wife's carer on all his children ? Maybe the fact is hes decided what's best for their family. He's certainly been more than generous previously.
And the ex isn't his family (which is why I think a lot of people are outraged) What do people propose he do (I'm genuinely curious)? Off the op ?

In a family the needs of the family change, some will come before others and that's ever changing and unfortunately op is sick. She is gonna be one of the top priorities, that may not always be the case. But it is what it is.

He's not going to be earning what he previously did, death, losing a limb, losing job could have also happened.

@Endofmyteatherr contact was originally brought up by you, I just responded to you. It's one of the only things he can offer tbh, it's shit but so is OPs situation .The ex maybe angry but a lot of the comments on here are pretty raging imo which addresses my paddy comment 🤷🏼‍♀️ and unkind (and I'm not picking out any posters in particular) or you.

Obtuse I maybe but seriously though it sucks but it sucks for everyone.

Yes the other realistic option is seeking support from adult social care via a Care Act assessment whereby a direct payment to employ a PA could be considered to do what dh is doing. Dh would be able to work. The contribution towards this service is means tested based on ops income only so likely non chargeable or low charge. This is the other option which I and another poster has mentioned up thread. Least disruptive for the children and least disruptive financially. I feel for the OP and I hope she gets some support as she is entitled to it.

So you are well enough to claim carers allowance for looking after someone a minimum of 35 hours a week but unwell enough that you need someone to care for you a minimum of 35 hours per week?
How does that work?
Meanwhile, you are expecting your partners children to live on fresh air?

@hourbyhour101 I do not know why you are up in arms. I understand there is no harm in offering. However you can't assume that ex has to accept the offer that's all I have to say on that front because it seems to be falling on deaf ears.

I fully hear what your saying I didn't bring up contact actually there's been so many comments I too responded in regard to OP. OP mentioned contact and I just don't think it's right to inflict that proposal on the ex and then start sayings shit such as well.... ex will have to up her hours and all the rest. Ex is not destitute and ex has a house. Which is correct so what's ex upping her hours for? Again it's not logical.

Well that still doesn't mean ex has to float along. On one hand posters are saying OP is ill granted so why on earth would ex want to leave her child at dad's house more often. There's a lot of contradiction in posters comments and it is not making sense at all.

@Cactuslove

Inflicted 😂 😂 😂

She leaves her kid there three nights a week!! Why are you so against mum doing more hours and dad having to help her to do it??

@amiold why are you trying to make this an argument. I've agreed with some of your points you have raised.

I have explained.

You need to mind your own business what hours the ex works is not the issue unless she's stressing OP about it. Which OP has not stated.

Dad has his hands full already... since he has had to give up his job...... why do YOU think ex SHOULD do what OP says? Ex doesn't ha e to hand her kid over to Dad to suit HIS circumstances please just don't engage with me because your being very ignorant and unwilling to consider ANY of my points and twisting them. I'm not here for the drama

I have repeatedly said I know its not an easy situation for OP, I appreciate OP stated they will pay what they can afford for the child. What you seem find to comprehend though is that OP and dad get to dictate the WHOLE situation.

You have ran away with your own narrative 🙄

@Endofmyteatherr ex shouldn't do what OP says but she's making life easier for her.
The ex is a an ex. And just that. Daughter should be looked after yes. Ex should go to work. Women should not use kids as income. Shambolic but the world we live in

@Endofmyteatherr I'm not making it an argument. You said before that I was right. Now I'm not? Saturday night wine hun??

OP you need to be careful claiming carer's and then be saying you need a carer. It's one of the DWP's red flags. If I was you I'd get specialist advice before you go ahead.

@Endofmyteatherr I don't know if I would describe me up in arms but I have certainly a little shocked at how many people are being fairly cruel on here to OP.

Having been in a similar situation as a sc maybe this post has struck a cord. I am just expressing that as a sc I would be really shocked if anyone had said the things people are saying on here to my sm or if my mum had acted in ways suggested on here.

Re contact that's fine (I realise this is a long thread) I suppose people are suggesting it because if money is a issue for mum (which we don't know tbf) there are only certain ways dad can help from the situation they are in.

I'm sure it's not just mum that wants a magical wand for this all not to be happening. Until that's found having the Dc more so mum working more or whatever is literally all dad can offer. If there are any other suggestions I'm all ears ?

I'm not suggesting this is perfect solution but it's all that can be offered.

But in the absence of that magical wand, I don't think kicking a sick ill op is fair or right. Even if she's a sm (but opinions clearly do differ) and that's a sad fact of this world.

@hourbyhour101 you are assuming mum needs to work more hours, mum is part time like OP stated factually she will likely get UC.

This is not just about money. Would you be happy to see your own child less? Because I think at 6 years old 3 days is sufficient. This new arrangement has been proposed due to dad giving up his job.

There is no REAL need for mum to accept this offer unless of course she is absolutely desperately for money. Why would ex be leaving her child with dad when he now has new caring responsibilities where's as prior he did not???

I too am all ears.......

the sd stays three nights a week and ops dh still pays 600 a month-i think shes had a good deal better than what cms would offer

Agree. Also why is no-one considering help from adult social care so dh doesn't have to give up job. I hope OP reads this and realises the support she's entitled too as it could really help.

Have you been approved for this carers allowance and caring for each other? UC may well try to push one/both of you into work even with health conditions.. I wouldn't rely on it..

I see a lot of men quitting work to get out of 'paying for their ex'. Loosing 600 a month will be huge for the ex. Maybe she works PT as she has health issues you aren't aware of?

Agree with this too- possibly become used to an amount that isn't really realistic in terms of what cms would calculate.