Page 15 | What happens re maintenance in this situation ?

Endofmyteatherr · 19/11/2022 20:38

@Cactuslove exactly dad seems to have a right and free will. But the ex must now leave her kid and accept OPS gesture of good will because apparently dad is making her life easier 🤣🤣

What a reach!!

Pull the other one. 🤣

allboysmum3 · 19/11/2022 21:34

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hourbyhour101 · 19/11/2022 23:48

@Endofmyteatherr 🙄 I seemed to have missed your most recent post - apologies but in answer to your question mum doesn't have to accept dads offer for upping contact.

Weird how that's turned into op offering to up it as she will have nothing to do with contact or offering to have her as "good will". He's parenting, and equal rights to the other parent - op in that regard can't offer something like that because as you said she needs a carer so it's up to dad to decide if he can take that on.

But she does have to accept op is sick and DH has become her carer (because shock horror it's not about the ex wife) it's about the family unit that exists (minus the ex wife)

Still haven't come up with any decent suggestions ? Or I suppose that's not interesting enough..

hourbyhour101 · 19/11/2022 23:50

Reposting @Cactuslove post in some dim hope op reads it (although tbh considering everything I doubt OPs coming back)

Also why is no-one considering help from adult social care so dh doesn't have to give up job. I hope OP reads this and realises the support she's entitled too as it could really help.

^ this

Endofmyteatherr · 20/11/2022 04:35

hourbyhour101 · 19/11/2022 23:48

@Endofmyteatherr 🙄 I seemed to have missed your most recent post - apologies but in answer to your question mum doesn't have to accept dads offer for upping contact.

Weird how that's turned into op offering to up it as she will have nothing to do with contact or offering to have her as "good will". He's parenting, and equal rights to the other parent - op in that regard can't offer something like that because as you said she needs a carer so it's up to dad to decide if he can take that on.

But she does have to accept op is sick and DH has become her carer (because shock horror it's not about the ex wife) it's about the family unit that exists (minus the ex wife)

Still haven't come up with any decent suggestions ? Or I suppose that's not interesting enough..

OP isn't poorly everyday.... she drove herself places up until recently. She also has 2 kids herself so on better days as a step mum she surely would assist the 6 year old with something simple like giving him a drink or something. OP isn't a 90 year old bed bound person.

Dad can't be attending to OP, and 3 kids all at once, like I said I would not be leaving my child will someone who has become so unwell..... recently.

OP is the one making the thread so I am sure the offering is coming from OP and dad since they are partners.

What suggestions the ex will be fine. She doesn't need dad's offer. Like you said mum will adjust after the shock I have never said mum didn't need to accept. OP didn't say mum isn't accepting again you have assumed to fit your own narrative.

What I did say was mum doesn't have to accept the offering because it's pretty pointless and not really beneficial to her that was my suggestion but it seems you are being difficult also.

THisbackwithavengeance · 20/11/2022 06:14

If the OP is paraplegic or genuinely bedridden or needs 24/7 care with IV meds or toileting etc then it's not unreasonable for the DH to become a full time carer.

The cynic in me thinks that the OP and her DH might looking for ways to avoid the CM and have come up with a corker.

But I don't know how genuinely sick the OP is and if she genuinely needs her DH around 24/7.

But what a slap in the face for the XW. You can imagine the conversation: "I'm not going to give you any money for our kids XW but in order to allow you to go out and graft more yourself, we will allow you to send them to us more, aren't we generous?"

Again, depends on how old those kids are if I think it is unreasonable for the XW to be working FT or not. But a man should be supporting his kids not expecting his XW or Nanny State to pick up the whole bill.

So many variables here.

hourbyhour101 · 20/11/2022 08:57

@Endofmyteatherr as a mum I get her frustration but it is what it is- I'm not sure what narrative you seem to be implying?

Everyone is entitled to feel unhappy with the situation, but that's not just mum. I personally would be very unhappy if my DH had to become my carer and had to live on the pittance that would entail.

Also if they wanted to dodge CMS there are easier ways for them to do it than doing this and all the hoops to prove a need for a carer (and there are many hoops)

As again maybe I'm confused but we seem to be agreeing in your latter post.

Whether dad had all 3 kids is something him and mum will have to agree to mutually. It's not for one person to decide. Whether op is well enough to help her DH is something they will have to discuss since I believe at least one of the children are school age and we don't know how poorly her disabled child is.

I'm advocating for people to have some empathy on this thread.

I'm still waiting for a answer to - if op is sick and DH has become her carer - what exactly can they offer to help mum ? The majority seems to dislike upping contact to try and balance the scales. Fine

What exactly can op and her DH do ?

Actual suggestions would be helpful.

BetterFuture1985 · 20/11/2022 10:58

Chenillerug · 18/11/2022 18:03

If a father is paying maintenance as has a good income so was paying enough to allow ex to just work part time but now he has given up work to be a carer so I assume it will go through the csa not a private arrangement and how is it worked out?

Ex is very unhappy but we have said although maintenance will drop we could actually have sd more so that ex can work full time which is reasonable but apparently not ?

I think you're asking is it reasonable for the ex to work full time? The answer is that depends on the age of any children. If they are aged 11 and over then yes the ex can be expected to work full time. That doesn't necessarily mean they must therefore go to work full time. It just means it's not the payer's problem if the ex doesn't have enough to live on if the ex isn't maximising their earning capacity.

BetterFuture1985 · 20/11/2022 11:01

hourbyhour101 · 19/11/2022 23:50

Reposting @Cactuslove post in some dim hope op reads it (although tbh considering everything I doubt OPs coming back)

Also why is no-one considering help from adult social care so dh doesn't have to give up job. I hope OP reads this and realises the support she's entitled too as it could really help.

^ this

Maybe the father wants to care for his elderly relative himself rather than have a stranger do it? And as he will now be home more, it means he can provide more childcare too.

Expecting a father to go to work full time and leave his elderly relatives in the hands of strangers so that a mother doesn't have to work full time is a bit rich in this day and age to be honest.

Cactuslove · 20/11/2022 11:08

BetterFuture1985 · 20/11/2022 11:01

Maybe the father wants to care for his elderly relative himself rather than have a stranger do it? And as he will now be home more, it means he can provide more childcare too.

Expecting a father to go to work full time and leave his elderly relatives in the hands of strangers so that a mother doesn't have to work full time is a bit rich in this day and age to be honest.

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What elderly relatives? I'm completely confused now. Also when you have kids it's not so much about what you want but what you have to do to meet your kids needs.

PlainOldMe80 · 20/11/2022 17:23

This is very confusing! If you're dp was able to afford £150 a week maintenance, I suspect he was earning a decent wage.

He is now giving up that job to care for you as you're health (unfortunately) isn't very good and you are no longer able to drive. So not only does his ex get less money a month but you as a family will also have less income?

How often do you really need to drive, what dp would be doing for you? Just the appointments you and dc need to attend?

Could family, friends etc not help out?

I personally wouldn't feel comfortable losing a chunk of our income a family and dp's dc! Especially not the way bills, good food shopping etc are only getting mote and more expensive!

Vatofrose · 20/11/2022 20:53

MelchiorsMistress · 18/11/2022 18:52

Are your children at home his children too?

Either way, it really doesn’t sound like he can afford to give up work. His obligation to pay for his child hasn’t ended because he got a partner that needs a carer.

No, but his ability to has. Those are the vagaries of life. He can’t do what he physically can’t do

Theunamedcat · 20/11/2022 22:08

BetterFuture1985 · 20/11/2022 11:01

Maybe the father wants to care for his elderly relative himself rather than have a stranger do it? And as he will now be home more, it means he can provide more childcare too.

Expecting a father to go to work full time and leave his elderly relatives in the hands of strangers so that a mother doesn't have to work full time is a bit rich in this day and age to be honest.

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It's his wife....

BetterFuture1985 · 21/11/2022 09:29

Cactuslove · 20/11/2022 11:08

What elderly relatives? I'm completely confused now. Also when you have kids it's not so much about what you want but what you have to do to meet your kids needs.

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Sorry I misunderstood who needed care.

However, your point about the children. Absolutely. So the mother should absolutely be going to work full time in order to live up to her responsibilities as a parent. The father can't work now (although maybe he could work part time?) but is in a position to do more childcare. So it seems that is the only solution.

lookluv · 21/11/2022 10:44

So the mum subsidises the EXH family because more contact and less monies is not going to buy clothes, shoes etc

Yousee · 21/11/2022 10:56

@lookluv only if you believe that the DH is currently "subsidising" his ex by paying £150 for the one extra day per week the child is at her mum's house 🤷‍♀️

BetterFuture1985 · 21/11/2022 13:02

lookluv · 21/11/2022 10:44

So the mum subsidises the EXH family because more contact and less monies is not going to buy clothes, shoes etc

No, the mum has a choice:

Live on less money; or
Work more hours.

As a parent, she is financially responsible for her child and those are her choices. Unfortunately, there frequently seems to be a double standard applied where the higher earner is morally expected to drop everything that matters in order to make and provide money, whilst the weaker financial party is allowed to have every excuse under the sun not to work full time (if it was the mum who was the one about to become a full time carer, I would wager there being lots of supportive posts about why she should now get more maintenance).

This is neither reasonable nor sensible. People need to stand on their own two feet when they divorce and need to accept when hard circumstances experienced by the other party means the cash stops flowing.

Cactuslove · 21/11/2022 15:02

BetterFuture1985 · 21/11/2022 09:29

Sorry I misunderstood who needed care.

However, your point about the children. Absolutely. So the mother should absolutely be going to work full time in order to live up to her responsibilities as a parent. The father can't work now (although maybe he could work part time?) but is in a position to do more childcare. So it seems that is the only solution.

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But, and I've asked this several times, when is the extra childcare being provided? I'm assuming he can't do the school run for all three kids and care for the ill OP. Most single mums work part time around to accommodate the school day as someone has to take a 6 yr old to and from school. How is the DH going to.provide the level.of childcare required for the ex to work full time? It seems to me to be an easy thing to offer but the practicalities don't add up. I don't think the OP is coming back so I won't write again- but I do hope she explores help from adult social care if she's interested in it as she would be entitled.

overthehill7 · 21/11/2022 15:13

OP I'm so sorry to read some of these stupid and rude messages.

I'm sure you and DH would much prefer to keep a nice wage coming into the household and for you not to have reached a point that you need care.

Go through to CSA. Get him to speak to them and see what his monthly payment amount should be. If you can afford any more then that's great.

The mum can stop moaning when she has been in a privileges position of working part time and she can get a full time job with the extra child care you have offered.

I hope it works out for you all!

lookluv · 21/11/2022 15:25

Betterfuture - you are talking one sided rubbish.
When parents divorce both parents have a duty to care for their child/ren equally.
The mother will as all others do - work it out and find the way to support herself, whilst the DF of her child chooses to not contribute enough for his share of raising his child.
Lovely that he has a choice and that the mother will subsidise his lifestyle choices. Int his case we do not know why the DM does not work full time - if the child is young it may well eb due to childcare, but with a DF who is now looking after his wife and 2 other children, one disabled, who is going to get this child to school whilst the mother works to support them in their lifestyle choices!

The DF did not suddenly get to drop his responsibiities because his wife got sick.

The Ex will work it out because she has to but does not make this morally right in anyway. Who says she is fit to work full time?

amiold · 21/11/2022 15:27

lookluv · 21/11/2022 15:25

Betterfuture - you are talking one sided rubbish.
When parents divorce both parents have a duty to care for their child/ren equally.
The mother will as all others do - work it out and find the way to support herself, whilst the DF of her child chooses to not contribute enough for his share of raising his child.
Lovely that he has a choice and that the mother will subsidise his lifestyle choices. Int his case we do not know why the DM does not work full time - if the child is young it may well eb due to childcare, but with a DF who is now looking after his wife and 2 other children, one disabled, who is going to get this child to school whilst the mother works to support them in their lifestyle choices!

The DF did not suddenly get to drop his responsibiities because his wife got sick.

The Ex will work it out because she has to but does not make this morally right in anyway. Who says she is fit to work full time?

The ex won't be subsiding the dad and partner. They've been subsidising her and the dads family had to give her the house so she would let them see child. Lots of mums work full time. Kids being at school isn't an excuse

BetterFuture1985 · 21/11/2022 15:58

Cactuslove · 21/11/2022 15:02

But, and I've asked this several times, when is the extra childcare being provided? I'm assuming he can't do the school run for all three kids and care for the ill OP. Most single mums work part time around to accommodate the school day as someone has to take a 6 yr old to and from school. How is the DH going to.provide the level.of childcare required for the ex to work full time? It seems to me to be an easy thing to offer but the practicalities don't add up. I don't think the OP is coming back so I won't write again- but I do hope she explores help from adult social care if she's interested in it as she would be entitled.

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Unfortunately, that doesn't really matter. He can't do it, so mum has to either step up or go without.

Such is the nature of depending on someone else who is not your spouse.

BetterFuture1985 · 21/11/2022 16:04

lookluv · 21/11/2022 15:25

Betterfuture - you are talking one sided rubbish.
When parents divorce both parents have a duty to care for their child/ren equally.
The mother will as all others do - work it out and find the way to support herself, whilst the DF of her child chooses to not contribute enough for his share of raising his child.
Lovely that he has a choice and that the mother will subsidise his lifestyle choices. Int his case we do not know why the DM does not work full time - if the child is young it may well eb due to childcare, but with a DF who is now looking after his wife and 2 other children, one disabled, who is going to get this child to school whilst the mother works to support them in their lifestyle choices!

The DF did not suddenly get to drop his responsibiities because his wife got sick.

The Ex will work it out because she has to but does not make this morally right in anyway. Who says she is fit to work full time?

One sided? You're assigning different roles to the parents in this scenario based on nothing but your own prejudices!

The reality is this is an unfortunate situation but one parent relying on the other to work FT is neither reasonable nor sensible because these situations might arise.

Also, ultimately, the freedom of choice should exist for both parents, not just the one who was traditionally the weaker financial party. If the husband in this situation needs to become a carer, a situation I doubt he would choose for either his current partner or his children, then it's just tough luck on the wife. Life happens and the ex-wife is unfortunately not going to be at the top of any man's priority list.

overthehill7 · 21/11/2022 16:10

@BetterFuture1985 very well said!! 👏🏼

Yousee · 21/11/2022 20:11

whilst the mother works to support them in their lifestyle choices
What a lot of utter shite.
The father will still be paying maintenance to the mother so she's definitely not supporting him or OP and a disabled child and ill partner do not come under the heading of "lifestyle choices".
Can you really not see what you look like right now? 🙄