Co-Parentung as a SM

TiredStepMum89 · 2022-11-18T09:26:27+00:00

A little back story.... I've been with my fiancé 4 years now and getting married next year. BM has tried her hardest to make our lives hell the last 4 years (I was not the OW) but that's another thread 🙂 In the past she has made it very difficult for me to form a bond with SD by telling me I'm not allowed around SD sometimes, or that I should go away for the weekend when my DP has SD, she has told me I am not to do anything for her DD and has poisoned my SD against me (I know this because SD (5) tell me all the things "mummy" says about me) I have had years of abuse from this woman. Here's my problem, the last few months BM had had a complete switch around and is now causing issues because I won't "co-parent". I am not her parent. When getting into my relationship I was willing to step up but after all I have been through, I no longer want to make the effort. When SD stays with us (every other weekend because BM moved 3 hours away) I am kind to her and I interact and do crafts with her, but I am fed up of being expected to spend "family time" with her and my DP. I'll be honest, I don't love SD, I like her, I don't love her. She has a horrible attitude, is not disciplined and she has never been taught to tidy things away so it is left for me. I have stopped tidying up after her, I don't tell her off when she's rude, I don't correct her attitude, i dont even cook when she is here because the food is wasted. I spent years being told I am not allowed to do those things but now BM and DP seem to expect that of me. My partner is part of the problem, because he left her mum, he feels guilty for leaving his DD, therefore his DD gets her own way all the time. I told him I was going away for his next weekend with SD because it my birthday and I haven't seen my friend for a year. I could see the disappointment in his face that I won't be here to spend time with him and SD. It gets on my nerves because I don't want to be and I shouldn't feel guilted into spending time with them. At this point, she's not my child so I don't understand why this is all expected of me suddenly after 4 years. My question is.... AITA for not giving a damn? She can be in our house all she likes and I won't ignore her or treat her horrible, but why should I be so involved when I haven't been allowed for the last 4 years? I don't want to be anymore, and I've come to a point where I can happily live a separate life to her and her dad. I'm have no doubt I'll get some hate for this but I feel what I feel 🤷🏼♀️

Meltingsocks · 18/11/2022 09:30

Does he not like parenting alone?

YANBU

Original poster

TiredStepMum89 · 18/11/2022 09:30

Summed up it feels like they're saying "oh, congratulations. After 4 years of making it hard for you, you are now allowed to be involved!"
Also, how do I explain to my partner that I want to step back from it being expected of me?

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Original poster

TiredStepMum89 · 18/11/2022 09:31

He can, and does (because I opt to work on those weekend when I can) but in his head he wants us to be one big happy family and is disappointed that I'm not playing along.

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Santagiveyoursackawash · 18/11/2022 09:34

Personally being with a man who panders to his exes demands isn't a decent man. Imo they are teaching their dd to be very manipulative and form inappropriate relationships with men when she is older...

Original poster

TiredStepMum89 · 18/11/2022 09:36

Santagiveyoursackawash · 18/11/2022 09:34

Personally being with a man who panders to his exes demands isn't a decent man. Imo they are teaching their dd to be very manipulative and form inappropriate relationships with men when she is older...

Irs not really pandering to his ex, its more pandering to his DD. She is allowed to get away with everything because he feels guilty that he left. He also feels that he is only allowed so much say because her is not the full time parent

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Sellorkeep · 18/11/2022 09:40

Confusing - DSD’s mother tells you to do stuff and not do stuff and you comply? That sounds odd.
Stop communicating with her. Leave that to your DP. Let the co-parenting be between the child’s mum and dad.
You aren’t particularly nice about what is s very young child. Do you have any bond with her? All of the things you describe are pretty normal for a five year old in my experience of my DSD and close family’s kids - cut her some slack.
It’s perfectly normal to not want to spend every moment with your DSD when she’s there and your partner should be able to understand that. But I feel uncomfortable about your tone - I wonder if you really want to be with a guy who already has a child. Best to work that out before falling pregnant yourself!

Nightynightnight · 18/11/2022 09:41

I honestly think you should have a long hard think about whether you really should marry this man. I can understand your reticence in getting involved with his daughter after being told not to. It is very very very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has children. If there are already issues that are causing resentment and problems between you and your partner and you are not talking about them, they will only get worse as the child gets older.

If there is a possibility at any point of you and your partner having children, how will everyone cope with that? Do you want to have children with someone who parents the way he does? Will you be able to cope with him parenting his children differently?

If you do want to stay with him then a sit down conversation between you, him and his ex would be a great idea if you think that you can all do this in good faith. You need to be open and clear about your boundaries and what role you want to play. Be clear about what activities you are prepared to do with the child and what you aren't.

Theunamedcat · 18/11/2022 09:43

This is the life you want? It's not going to get better SD will grow up into a teenager they can be hellish double if they don't respect you triple if it's been allowed

Yourloss · 18/11/2022 09:45

It doesn’t sound like a happy family. Day to day that must be soul-destroying for everybody. Where does this leave you going forward? What kind of life do you want?

forrestgreen · 18/11/2022 09:49

Tbh it sounds like you've given up. There are many more years of this to come. Is that what you want? What happens if you have a child, you set boundaries for that child but sd can do what she want? Will you still leave with your child eow?

It sounds like too much hard work for me. You can't make it easier as you don't have control. You can only leave.

Original poster

TiredStepMum89 · 18/11/2022 09:52

Sellorkeep · 18/11/2022 09:40

Confusing - DSD’s mother tells you to do stuff and not do stuff and you comply? That sounds odd.
Stop communicating with her. Leave that to your DP. Let the co-parenting be between the child’s mum and dad.
You aren’t particularly nice about what is s very young child. Do you have any bond with her? All of the things you describe are pretty normal for a five year old in my experience of my DSD and close family’s kids - cut her some slack.
It’s perfectly normal to not want to spend every moment with your DSD when she’s there and your partner should be able to understand that. But I feel uncomfortable about your tone - I wonder if you really want to be with a guy who already has a child. Best to work that out before falling pregnant yourself!

She spent 4 years telling me that I'm not allowed to be involved in her DDs life and now all of a sudden she thinks I should be "co-parenting"
I havent communicated with her (BM) 2 years (which is apparently one of the issues she has with me, she thinks she has a right to my number) she communicates all these thing through my partner.
No, I have no bond with her because for the last 4 years BM had made it hard for us to form one.
Not nice how? By saying that she has a horrible attitude and is not disciplined? You'd rather I lie? My point was, I'm expected to tidy up after her because she's not taught to, expected to just allow her to speak to me and behave how she wants. A case of just me sitting down and shutting up.

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Yourloss · 18/11/2022 09:56

Well five year olds don’t generally tidy up of their own accord. It’s something you would help her do together (or her father of course.)

Your step daughter is only five. I don’t see how you can live with her and your partner as a family if you feel this way.

RedWingBoots · 18/11/2022 09:56

As a PP indicated your SD's mother is nothing to do with you so why are you communicating with her? Block her from today and leave all communication to your DP.

However you really need to sit down and have a serious talk with your DP.

You need to tell him that as a SP you are not willing to spend all weekends with him and his DD when she comes as you are not her parent. Tell him that she comes to see him alone not you. Explain what time you will spend with your SD, how you are unhappy with how he gives his DD no boundaries and how you both are to giving her rewards, rules, boundaries and limitations. Also make it crystal clear that you will have no further contact with your SD's mother unless it is an emergency e.g. child ends up in hospital and you are the only one who can ring her. He needs to deal with his DD mother on his own - obviously he will have to ask you if for example he's arrange things that aren't part of the already agreed schedule - and not expect you to do things for his DD.

If you can't agree then you need to go your separate ways otherwise if you make the mistake of having children with him your SD will be treated more favourably and this will screw your children up.

RedWingBoots · 18/11/2022 09:59

I havent communicated with her (BM) 2 years (which is apparently one of the issues she has with me, she thinks she has a right to my number) she communicates all these thing through my partner.

She has no legal right to have your number and vice versa.

Both her and your DP need to be careful not to communicate with people in each other's household unless they wish to be contacted otherwise it is regarded as harassment.

Original poster

TiredStepMum89 · 18/11/2022 09:59

Nightynightnight · 18/11/2022 09:41

I honestly think you should have a long hard think about whether you really should marry this man. I can understand your reticence in getting involved with his daughter after being told not to. It is very very very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has children. If there are already issues that are causing resentment and problems between you and your partner and you are not talking about them, they will only get worse as the child gets older.

If there is a possibility at any point of you and your partner having children, how will everyone cope with that? Do you want to have children with someone who parents the way he does? Will you be able to cope with him parenting his children differently?

If you do want to stay with him then a sit down conversation between you, him and his ex would be a great idea if you think that you can all do this in good faith. You need to be open and clear about your boundaries and what role you want to play. Be clear about what activities you are prepared to do with the child and what you aren't.

I kinda feel like they are expecting me to be jumping for joy at the chance of being involved after years of not allowing me. And then when I say I don't want to be, BM starts screaming that I'm not cooperating and DP looks at me disappointed that I don't want to play mum.
I have discussed my concerns about having our own children and how I will not allow my SD to be treated differently to our DC because its not fair and I grew up with my mum treating us kids differently. I won't put any children of mine through that.
There is absolutely no talking to the ex, she's the type to scream at you in a public place of she doesn't agree with you. She is very toxic.

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Nightynightnight · 18/11/2022 10:00

You need to have this conversation with him. It isn't unusual to want your partner to want to be part of your big, happy family. If you can't do this -whatever your reason- you should give him the courtesy of telling him and allowing him to find someone who will.

Original poster

TiredStepMum89 · 18/11/2022 10:01

Yourloss · 18/11/2022 09:56

Well five year olds don’t generally tidy up of their own accord. It’s something you would help her do together (or her father of course.)

Your step daughter is only five. I don’t see how you can live with her and your partner as a family if you feel this way.

No, they don't but the minute you mention to her that we need to tidy up, she screams and cries. I have tried turning it into a game or helping but she just rolls around on the floor crying that she can't.

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Nightynightnight · 18/11/2022 10:03

What would be your ideal outcome to all of this?

Original poster

TiredStepMum89 · 18/11/2022 10:03

RedWingBoots · 18/11/2022 09:59

I havent communicated with her (BM) 2 years (which is apparently one of the issues she has with me, she thinks she has a right to my number) she communicates all these thing through my partner.

She has no legal right to have your number and vice versa.

Both her and your DP need to be careful not to communicate with people in each other's household unless they wish to be contacted otherwise it is regarded as harassment.

Yes, she once had my number but I was always getting calls when she was drunk and then abuse started. I changed my number (when blocked, she was using other people's phones to harass me). About a month ago she argued with my DP that she should be given my number.

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Original poster

TiredStepMum89 · 18/11/2022 10:04

Yourloss · 18/11/2022 09:45

It doesn’t sound like a happy family. Day to day that must be soul-destroying for everybody. Where does this leave you going forward? What kind of life do you want?

I am in counselling to help me try and deal with all my emotions aurrounding this.

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Yourloss · 18/11/2022 10:06

How much do you love this man? Would you be happier apart? You sounds so unhappy.

Original poster

TiredStepMum89 · 18/11/2022 10:08

RedWingBoots · 18/11/2022 09:56

As a PP indicated your SD's mother is nothing to do with you so why are you communicating with her? Block her from today and leave all communication to your DP.

However you really need to sit down and have a serious talk with your DP.

You need to tell him that as a SP you are not willing to spend all weekends with him and his DD when she comes as you are not her parent. Tell him that she comes to see him alone not you. Explain what time you will spend with your SD, how you are unhappy with how he gives his DD no boundaries and how you both are to giving her rewards, rules, boundaries and limitations. Also make it crystal clear that you will have no further contact with your SD's mother unless it is an emergency e.g. child ends up in hospital and you are the only one who can ring her. He needs to deal with his DD mother on his own - obviously he will have to ask you if for example he's arrange things that aren't part of the already agreed schedule - and not expect you to do things for his DD.

If you can't agree then you need to go your separate ways otherwise if you make the mistake of having children with him your SD will be treated more favourably and this will screw your children up.

I should have stated that I blocked her 2 years ago, she then harassed me using friends phones. I had to go as far as changing my number so she couldn't get to me. All communication is through my DP, these are the things she says to him.
It's not that I don't want to be around her, it's more that sometimes I don't feel like going to the park with them or the zoo or whatever but he seems to be disappointed that I won't. He doesn't say anything but I can see it in his face. I don't get the expectation on me, we have no bond and when I try, BM tends to throw it back in my face or alienate SD against me.

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Bornin70 · 18/11/2022 10:10

Why do you refer to her as BM (birth mum)?
She’s her Mum, no other title is necessary.

BecauseICan22 · 18/11/2022 10:11

TiredStepMum89 · 18/11/2022 09:52

She spent 4 years telling me that I'm not allowed to be involved in her DDs life and now all of a sudden she thinks I should be "co-parenting"
I havent communicated with her (BM) 2 years (which is apparently one of the issues she has with me, she thinks she has a right to my number) she communicates all these thing through my partner.
No, I have no bond with her because for the last 4 years BM had made it hard for us to form one.
Not nice how? By saying that she has a horrible attitude and is not disciplined? You'd rather I lie? My point was, I'm expected to tidy up after her because she's not taught to, expected to just allow her to speak to me and behave how she wants. A case of just me sitting down and shutting up.

Show quote history

I think you are carrying so much hurt and pain from over the years that unless you can let it go, and that is no easy task, I can't see the point in the relationship?

I feel for you and I actually agree with you stepping back. But how is this going to work longterm?

Original poster

TiredStepMum89 · 18/11/2022 10:11

Nightynightnight · 18/11/2022 10:03

What would be your ideal outcome to all of this?

Being able to tell him that I don't want to play mum to his DD. I don't dislike the child but I don't love her, I was never given the chance. I want him to understand that I don't need to be spending all my free time with them and that my world does not revolve around her like his does. I'm not saying I'll ignore her or be hostile but he can't expect me to tidy up after her, cook for her and look after her but then not have an opinion on discipline for her. He can't have it all ways.

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