Co-Parentung as a SM

[TiredStepMum89]

A little back story.... I've been with my fiancé 4 years now and getting married next year.
BM has tried her hardest to make our lives hell the last 4 years (I was not the OW) but that's another thread 🙂 In the past she has made it very difficult for me to form a bond with SD by telling me I'm not allowed around SD sometimes, or that I should go away for the weekend when my DP has SD, she has told me I am not to do anything for her DD and has poisoned my SD against me (I know this because SD (5) tell me all the things "mummy" says about me) I have had years of abuse from this woman.

Here's my problem, the last few months BM had had a complete switch around and is now causing issues because I won't "co-parent". I am not her parent. When getting into my relationship I was willing to step up but after all I have been through, I no longer want to make the effort. When SD stays with us (every other weekend because BM moved 3 hours away) I am kind to her and I interact and do crafts with her, but I am fed up of being expected to spend "family time" with her and my DP. I'll be honest, I don't love SD, I like her, I don't love her.
She has a horrible attitude, is not disciplined and she has never been taught to tidy things away so it is left for me. I have stopped tidying up after her, I don't tell her off when she's rude, I don't correct her attitude, i dont even cook when she is here because the food is wasted.
I spent years being told I am not allowed to do those things but now BM and DP seem to expect that of me.
My partner is part of the problem, because he left her mum, he feels guilty for leaving his DD, therefore his DD gets her own way all the time.
I told him I was going away for his next weekend with SD because it my birthday and I haven't seen my friend for a year. I could see the disappointment in his face that I won't be here to spend time with him and SD. It gets on my nerves because I don't want to be and I shouldn't feel guilted into spending time with them. At this point, she's not my child so I don't understand why this is all expected of me suddenly after 4 years.
My question is.... AITA for not giving a damn? She can be in our house all she likes and I won't ignore her or treat her horrible, but why should I be so involved when I haven't been allowed for the last 4 years? I don't want to be anymore, and I've come to a point where I can happily live a separate life to her and her dad.
I'm have no doubt I'll get some hate for this but I feel what I feel 🤷🏼‍♀️

I completely understand where you are coming from. You start off being excited with everything and being involved and then the fun and joy gets sucked out when you are constantly getting abuse and no appreciation!

You don't need to co-parent. You don't need to be involved with the awful ex. That is when it massively improved for me! Block and stop trying to be civil to keep her happy as she really isn't important in your life.

My biggest tip is - Just try not to let the parents effect your relationship with the SD. Do the things you enjoy (crafts, baking or whatever) and back off for the rest. Not your problem! 😊

Do you know any 5 year olds? They don't usually tidy up unless forced to and they have an attitude sometimes because of their age. If you know any adults with 5 year olds, it would help to talk to them.

Do you want children with your partner? If so, open your eyes to his parenting. He will be the fun, permissive parent while you are forced to discipline, teach manners etc or he will end up treating both children differently because of his dad guilt.

Your dilemma is very common on here. Men often want a second mum for their child while the woman wants the freedom to do personal, adult things before she has her own kids. If you have read enough posts on here and plan kids, be prepared for mum to change her behaviour again. She will either reduce or increase contact to inconvenience your partner and increase his stress.

If I were you, I'd be telling my partner to only tell me when dsd was coming round and not tell me when mum was slagging me off. It doesn't help anyone.

I am trying counselling to see if I can emotionally handle things better. But we will see how that plays out

This is nonsense. I have 3 children and all have been taught to tidy since they were toddlers and they do it to this day.

Respect your space and that of other people. At 5, she absolutely should be tidying when told to do so.

You’d be insane to marry him.
Quit while you’re ahead.

I refer to her as baby mum since that's what BM means. She's the baby's mum, but thank you for trying to school me.

I am seeking counselling right now in hopes that it'll better help me manage how I deal with things. That is my last shot, I have nowhere to go after that. But I am trying.

Yes I understand that 5 years old will not tidy willingly but my SD will scream and roll around the floor crying if you so much as suggest tidying things away.
They do have attitudes but I'm not sure every 5 years old calls people a bitch without being disciplined for it.
I cook for her and she'll scream she doesn't want it and dad says nothing just let's it go to waste.
I guess my problem is that she is given no docipline or boundaries and I'm not allowed to give her them yet I'm expected to cook and clean up after her all while being called a bitch.

As well as therapy/counselling that you are doing I would ask your DP to do a parenting course because he sure as hell needs to stop being a Disney Dad. If he doesn't then it's relationship over as the parenting cracks when you have your own DC would be awful.

But she’s not a ‘baby’ is she? She’s five years old!
And she has only one Mum.

You say the mum is toxic, but you don’t come across as the nicest person yourself.

Whooooa! That's quite the development! She calls you a bitch? With zero consequences afterwards? My darling, that changes everything! Leave the shitty setup and the money you're using on counselling, focus on building yourself up rather than trying to work this out. To get through something like this, you need a solid relationship and complete alignment between you and your fiancé on consequences for his child's behaviour. There is ZERO respect here.

Walk away.

Shes HER baby, I didn't make it up, it's a term. And that's the point, I don't want to be her mum so they should both stop expecting me to co-parent.

And you may think that but I'm not the one who faked cancer, miscarriages, a stroke. I'm not the one who teaches her child to call me and her dad names.

I'm here for advice on a horrible situation, if you're here just to be horrid to me, then move along. I just asked on advice on how to speak to my partner about not wanting to parent their child.

Yes, she called me a bitch on the phone and her mum said "You're right love, she is a bitch." And hung up.

I should have explained better, I was trying to be nicer about it but I'm already getting nasty replies from saying she has an attitude. I've put up with so much and I feel I've finally snapped (mentally)

Why are you looking after her and cooking etc, that's the parent's job! You are doing the grunt work and not getting anything back eg respect. Your job should be welcoming SD into her home and letting her know she is loved and wanted. And you are entitled to have a weekend away if you want but I wouldn't make it into a 'she's coming so I'm off' scenario. At the end of the day though, is he worth it?

And this is what I wanted to hear, it's not my problem. I want my DP to understand this. I'm confused as to why I'm expected to act as a parent in some situations but when it comes to disciplining her, im told its not my place. I'm at a point where I don't want to be involved and I just want him to understand

You need to firstly work out whether you love this man enough to marry him and have a life with him. If you do want to stay then you need to drop the resentment that you seek to have as you weren't 'allowed' to be a step parent and that you missed out on being able to love her. You can still developing a loving relationship with her if you want- there's no time limit on that.

This is my point, both my DP and BM are expecting all this of me.
I do make sure I work on her weekends (if I can) as I inly get 2 weekends off a month and I'd rather those are spent with my DP alone. This weekend I have booked off as it is my birthday and I wanted to travel to see a friend I haven't seen in a year. I could see the disappointment in his face. I'm having a tough time right now and he doesn't seem to understand that I want to be away for a bit.

I understand that, I never said I couldn't love her- just that I don't. And after 4 years of no respect and abuse, I'm suddenly supposed to play along now that I'm allowed to?

I'm reluctant to quibble, but BM on MN usually means birth mother and is a term used in adoption situations, not step parenting. Your DP's ex is the child's mother and you are her step mother. The usual way of abbreviating is to use DM (dear mother) or I usually just type 'Mum'.

I'm sorry this sounds pedantic, OK it is pedantic, but I and many others find the term 'baby mother' insulting as it has connotations of a man leaving a string of women with his children, and the only value the woman has, is that she can have children.

With regard to your situation - you need a full and frank discussion with your DP about his parenting style and come to a satisfactory solution and he needs to stop passing on messages, demands and digs from the ex. If you can't find that point of resolution I would be seriously reconsidering your future together, let alone bringing your own children into the mix. It's a sad position you find yourself in and I hope you can find a way through.

I apologise, I did not know. And I thank you for explaining that to me respectfully unlike the other person did.

He only tells me because I ask him to have full communication with me regarding the ex as I know he struggles with her abuse too. I don't wish for him to struggle alone as I know what depression can lead to.

You're welcome

He only tells me because I ask him to have full communication with me regarding the ex as I know he struggles with her abuse too. I don't wish for him to struggle alone as I know what depression can lead to.

Then he needs to shut her down when this abusive behaviour starts. He has got another 12 years of having to deal with his ex, and his DD for longer. He should consider having some counselling as well - sharing is good, but there comes a point where it can be destructive.

I went through same thing years ago. My husband refused to discipline his son as when he did his son wouldn’t come over.

His son is now 24 and a complete train wreck. Years of pandering to him has done him no favours. He can’t hold a job down as he has a massive chip on his shoulder and can’t take responsibility for anything that happens in his life. Always someone else’s fault. He has massive anger issues too. He’s also super jealous and resentful of my and dhs children. He thinks they get more than we did for him. Dh always paid huge amounts of child support and we did lots with them on their weekends with us. My kids obviously have a different life - both dh and I work - whereas his mum was just on welfare.

Woah I totally misjudged the attitude bit. I assumed it was more her running away when asked to tidy sort of thing. No, it's not normal for 5 year olds to call people bitches.
The food thing is more common which is why your partner should cook when his dd is visiting.

Your partner is 100% the problem here. The worst thing you can do is have a child with him too.

I wasn’t being disrespectful, I was being factual. And for what it’s worth I think you knew exactly what BM meant.

I also think that (reading between the lines) because you’ve been with your fiancé for four years, the little girls mum didn’t know initially whether you’d end up staying together, and might’ve felt as if you were too involved with her daughter than she felt comfortable with.
Now, she realises that you’re here to stay and so is happy for you to play a more active role in her child’s life.
You say she’s abusive, and her daughter has a horrible attitude (at five years old 🙄), but as I said earlier, you yourself don’t come across as the nicest person on here and seem quite highly strung.

You really can’t marry him. He’s a really bad partner. You don’t have to tidy up her mess. She’s his kid, he needs to deal with any mess she makes.

You’ve done the right thing pulling back as you have but he’s not supporting you at all and seems too scared of his ex to protect you and the unit you’ve tried to create.

It doesn’t have to be this hard. Don’t commit to decades of misery and strife.