Co-Parentung as a SM

[TiredStepMum89]

A little back story.... I've been with my fiancé 4 years now and getting married next year.
BM has tried her hardest to make our lives hell the last 4 years (I was not the OW) but that's another thread 🙂 In the past she has made it very difficult for me to form a bond with SD by telling me I'm not allowed around SD sometimes, or that I should go away for the weekend when my DP has SD, she has told me I am not to do anything for her DD and has poisoned my SD against me (I know this because SD (5) tell me all the things "mummy" says about me) I have had years of abuse from this woman.

Here's my problem, the last few months BM had had a complete switch around and is now causing issues because I won't "co-parent". I am not her parent. When getting into my relationship I was willing to step up but after all I have been through, I no longer want to make the effort. When SD stays with us (every other weekend because BM moved 3 hours away) I am kind to her and I interact and do crafts with her, but I am fed up of being expected to spend "family time" with her and my DP. I'll be honest, I don't love SD, I like her, I don't love her.
She has a horrible attitude, is not disciplined and she has never been taught to tidy things away so it is left for me. I have stopped tidying up after her, I don't tell her off when she's rude, I don't correct her attitude, i dont even cook when she is here because the food is wasted.
I spent years being told I am not allowed to do those things but now BM and DP seem to expect that of me.
My partner is part of the problem, because he left her mum, he feels guilty for leaving his DD, therefore his DD gets her own way all the time.
I told him I was going away for his next weekend with SD because it my birthday and I haven't seen my friend for a year. I could see the disappointment in his face that I won't be here to spend time with him and SD. It gets on my nerves because I don't want to be and I shouldn't feel guilted into spending time with them. At this point, she's not my child so I don't understand why this is all expected of me suddenly after 4 years.
My question is.... AITA for not giving a damn? She can be in our house all she likes and I won't ignore her or treat her horrible, but why should I be so involved when I haven't been allowed for the last 4 years? I don't want to be anymore, and I've come to a point where I can happily live a separate life to her and her dad.
I'm have no doubt I'll get some hate for this but I feel what I feel 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's evident she has seen/heard this first hand. Read the thread before spinning the "wahhhhh he's making it up mums can't possibly be abusive wahhh she's the victim" line. As someone who has also experienced being tormented by a horrible woman, this is infuriating.

It's a shame that you're having to get counselling foe this but at lrast your self aware to reach oit for help.

Its sad because the 2 people who are causing you all this grief are the ones that should be in counselling!

From what you've said the mother clearly has issues, domestic violence, badmouthing you to DSD, baby trapping DP and still trying to dictate his life after they've split.

DP will of course have damage from an abusive relationship and clearly need help in parenting properly as well as laying down boundaries for both the ex and his DD.

I think you can do as much counselling as you want but if those 2 don't sort their own shit it'll be futile. More so DP as that's who you're living with. The ex can continue to be aa crazy as she likes but DP needs to learn to deal with it better and stop prioritising her over you.

If you had read through some of my other posts, I have also said that dad doesn't do what he needs to . I never blamed daughter, I blamed the no discipline from either side and that dad is not supporting me.

I have said I don't dislike her, infact I have said the opposite but I don't need you to believe me.

And no, not all of them, but enough. Like when I was sat in his car once to pick daughter up (mum agreed) but she got into an argument about dummies and then blocked his car from leaving. He tried to talk to her and she punched him. Or the time she called me calling me names because DP was sleeping and didn't answer his phone. Or just 3 weeks ago when I was looking after her daughter for her (dad was working, mum knew) and daughter wanted to ring mum so we rang and mum called me a bitch on the phone to her 5yo. Mum has told me many things such as when she used to have my DPs phone cut off because he pissed her off. Of when I was staying on the army base and she turned up at the door to kick off, the officers had to remove her and she got a ban from coming on camp. I have seen more than enough and heard enough from her own mouth and friends of mine in the army who have had to deal with her.

He is worried that if he gets things going in court then it'll anger her more which is a shitty excuse.

Have you ever taken anyone to court? If you have, you'll know it's not worth the paper it's written on when dealing with someone like this. You can get contact formalised, sure. Does it mean she'll make the child available? Lol, no. Does it mean she'll up the anti on the alienation and often start treating the child worse? In my lived experience, yes, it very much does. Open your eyes.

Op i have been in your situation and trust me when i say it won't get any better! My ex let his ds mother walk all over him/us because of his guilt at leaving his child and refused to go to court because he said he didn't want to cause anymore trouble with her he actually didn't want to spend the money and effort it would have taken. His ds was vile, spoilt, obnoxious and just generally horrible from a young age because his mother was using him as a weapon and his father couldn't be arsed to fight to stop it! This child is now a vile teenager with no respect for anyone or anything. His mother is still making my ex's life a complete misery when she doesn't get what she wants ( which is usually money) and he also has his spoilt child to pacify now as well! All his own doing! Take my advice and leave, it won't get better and its a lot of stress you don't need!

This is exactly my problem, I can't see a reason why he won't, not a valid one anyway.

This!!

If the ex is crazy, all the more reason to have a formal arrangement in place.

My DP and his ex did mediation and as expected she screamed, shouted, flung around accusations etc etc. I'm sure it wasn't fun for DP but ot was 1 hour and the result was a legal custody agreement being put in place so totally worth it. It's also caused fewer arguments since being in place.

Seriously this does not sound healthy and good relationship for you..... your dp is upset you're living your life cos it doesn't suit him you being away as he has to cook and look after her himself ....if he still jas a Disney family picture in his head he needs to shape up and make it happen ....

Personally i would walk away as this will always be an issue unless he changes.... and hes shown no sign of that and just trying to emotionally manipulate you...

Thank you. I hate when people think im just the "new girlfriend" and hate the mum based only on what DP says. I can form my own opinion on what I experience.

I think you need to explain to your OH how you feel.

E.G
I have noticed that you seem disappointed when I don't want to go on day trips with SD. After years of being excluded and EX making building a relationship difficult I feel its best to keep some distance. I feel like ex has changed the goal posts and you all now expecting me to fall in line and play happy families when I haven't been allowed to for 4 years. I want to be with you (do you actually because they come as a package. Him DC and the ex and all her nonsense? ). However, I don't want to be a parent to DC. I don't want to cook for her, clean After her or be force to engage in activities. I am happy to be kind and a friend but not a parent. I would also appreciate it if you would have firmer disapline. I will not allow a child to be disrespectful and swear at me. As her father I feel you need to intervene.

See how that goes.

Personally, I would end the relationship and find someone without kids. Step parenting sucks arse. I've done it and would never do it again.

This is what he is worried about. He also says he is worried abou5 the environment his daughter will be in if mum does get angry. She won't hurt daughter but it'll be a very negative place.

I too have been told I can't possibly know what she's like even though I've seen it all for myself! The difference for me that that DH has consistently had my back. Disciplined his child. Not pandered to his absuive ex. And I'll be honest, it didn't get him anywhere. His relationship with his child is not great anymore, he is older and living his own life but couldn't give a shit about us or his younger sibling. His mother did a very good job of manipulating him.

I would consider what you are getting out of this. Because this isn't a happy situation and he doesn't have your back and with age it only gets worse believe me.

It already sounds like she's in a very toxic environment is the mum's encouraging her to call people a bitch.

@Ineverwannabelikeyou

I have experienced it to, being a step mum invites a level of vitriol however I always use a hefty dose of suspicion too.

Do you believe everything you're told? If the stories are true then as I say dad should've had a solicitor involved by now, and OP should walk away.

There's nothing wrong with suspicion when on a forum like this.

It does worry me that little one is being manipulated by mum but I didn't wanna say it because I'm already getting some rough comments. SD cannot be without her mum recently, she will hear her dad's phone go and assume its mum, when it's not she will scream and cry. Her mum is always ringing though and it causes more distress. She doesn't even mention her mum until the phone rings or if she doesn't want to go to bed. It's exhausting. Mum doesn't think SD needs help though, says it's normal but I can see her growing up and having nothing to do with us because in her head, her mum is the only important person. Her mum has done that and relying on her child too much for love and affection.

No of course I don't, however op has already explained how she had seen and heard these things. If you're going to come on MN realistically you have to take things at face value or what's the point in commenting on every thread accusing someone of being wrong? Literally none.

Yes, I think he should do something, but equally people should be aware that if he does it very likely will not solve the situation with a person like this. I agree op should walk away for her own sake and have already said as much.

Accusatory comments that she doesn't know what she's talking about don't help anyone.

Suspicion is fine but I am sure if I was the mum telling the stories about SM I would be believed more so than being a SM.

I'm only telling my truth.

@TiredStepMum89 then yes, as I say, I'd run a mile.

It's gone on so long now, it's unlikely to ever change. It's likely that getting married will only make it worse.

You're right, it is a shitty excuse. Going to court will help him. He can get orders that mean his contact with DD is defined and any conversations between him and mum are strictly about DD and nothing more. It would help his case if he kept evidence of the abuse - I'd even get the police involved.

And actually no @ObjectionSustained being a step mother does not invite vitriol. Let's not excuse these vile women of the ABUSE they have done, of they hurt they have caused people and the emotional abuse of their own children. None of that is invited by dad moving in. None of it. Do not excuse these arseholes. It is not okay.

@Ineverwannabelikeyou

I didn't accuse OP of being wrong, I asked if she'd seen these things herself - I think that's a fair question.

Either way, it's clear now. She's in an awful situation and she needs to run.

I feel sorry for both OP and the child, the poor kid doesn't stand a chance if dad won't step up.

She had already said she had.

Agreed. I imagine the damage is already done and it's unlikely that she'll never not have contact with her mother so nothin

*nothing will change.

When we forst got together I did document everything for him because he was useless at it but then I realised that it was just winding me up and it felt as if he didn't care. I threw everything out.
Unfortunately DPs dad has raised him to "be a man" and get on with it. His dad is very toxic.

It's not right, not at all and I'm not condoning it in the slightest.

I mean that becoming a step mum means that we usually end up the target - is that not true?

Perhaps inviting was the incorrect word.

The resentment you feel toward the situation is palpable. I appreciate that you put in effort and it was thrown back at you, which must hurt, but I don't think that you want to be part of this unit and I think you really need to be for your marriage to work. You need to think very carefully if marriage is right for you.

There is definitely an issue if you want children of your own with this man. You are going to clash about that if you do. He will feel even guiltier about the break up when he has children who live with him. He will have more making up to do to DSD. He will not treat all the children the same. How will that be for you? Or he might run with just not disciplining any children. What will that be like if you have to be bad cop all the time?

This has alarm bells ringing.