Co-Parentung as a SM

[TiredStepMum89]

A little back story.... I've been with my fiancé 4 years now and getting married next year.
BM has tried her hardest to make our lives hell the last 4 years (I was not the OW) but that's another thread 🙂 In the past she has made it very difficult for me to form a bond with SD by telling me I'm not allowed around SD sometimes, or that I should go away for the weekend when my DP has SD, she has told me I am not to do anything for her DD and has poisoned my SD against me (I know this because SD (5) tell me all the things "mummy" says about me) I have had years of abuse from this woman.

Here's my problem, the last few months BM had had a complete switch around and is now causing issues because I won't "co-parent". I am not her parent. When getting into my relationship I was willing to step up but after all I have been through, I no longer want to make the effort. When SD stays with us (every other weekend because BM moved 3 hours away) I am kind to her and I interact and do crafts with her, but I am fed up of being expected to spend "family time" with her and my DP. I'll be honest, I don't love SD, I like her, I don't love her.
She has a horrible attitude, is not disciplined and she has never been taught to tidy things away so it is left for me. I have stopped tidying up after her, I don't tell her off when she's rude, I don't correct her attitude, i dont even cook when she is here because the food is wasted.
I spent years being told I am not allowed to do those things but now BM and DP seem to expect that of me.
My partner is part of the problem, because he left her mum, he feels guilty for leaving his DD, therefore his DD gets her own way all the time.
I told him I was going away for his next weekend with SD because it my birthday and I haven't seen my friend for a year. I could see the disappointment in his face that I won't be here to spend time with him and SD. It gets on my nerves because I don't want to be and I shouldn't feel guilted into spending time with them. At this point, she's not my child so I don't understand why this is all expected of me suddenly after 4 years.
My question is.... AITA for not giving a damn? She can be in our house all she likes and I won't ignore her or treat her horrible, but why should I be so involved when I haven't been allowed for the last 4 years? I don't want to be anymore, and I've come to a point where I can happily live a separate life to her and her dad.
I'm have no doubt I'll get some hate for this but I feel what I feel 🤷🏼‍♀️

Inviting definitely wasn't the correct word! But yes, you're right. It happens a lot more than people know, I think.

@TiredStepMum89

I suspect him being in the army doesn't help either. It's a toxic trait of the army that the servicemen and women tend to internalise any emotion.

I really don't think you're going to win here.

If he's not willing to stand up and deal with the situation he's in then no one else could (or should) do it for him. Surely he must realise that his child is suffering, if he won't do it for her then he won't do it for anyone.

@Ineverwannabelikeyou

Without a doubt.

We are targets for everything. I class myself as a single parent because the relationship I am in is disastrous and I'm ending it.

I've had enough of the abuse. The difference in my situation is that mum is as nice as pie to dad, but to me? You'd think I was the devil reincarnate.

I helped my partner through the court proceedings, gave him money to afford the solicitor so that he could get his contact time defined (mum was chopping and changing to suit her lifestyle) and once we had the order (££££ later), he still let her walk all over him.

You can imagine the kick in the teeth.

I said exactly this to him and now he's upset because he's failing everyone.
He's is, but he won't do anything about it!

But she’s not a ‘baby’ is she? She’s five years old!

And she has only one Mum. <<<<

This is it exactly why you don’t need to co parent with her. She only has one mum and she fills that role just fine on her own. She can co parent with the other parent and that’s the father, who you are not an extension of. You don’t owe the mum any of your time.

This is what I have been trying to say, I don't want to co-parent, I don't have to but they don't seem to get it

It is a horrible situation to be in and so hard, I don't think people realise the stigma against us alone

You shouldn’t have to. They have set the precedent for the past 4 years making it clear in an unpleasant way that they don’t need you, so hold them to that! They can’t just change the goal posts now because it suits them.

I hope you go and see your friend and have a lovely birthday. Dsd’s birthday won’t get cancelled if you’re not there. Just go!

Thank you, I think all I needed to hear was that my feelings were valid since it doesn't feel that way outside of this chat. We have things we definitely need to sort through but I needed them sorted in my own mind first. Thank you

Your feelings are very valid.

I think it's a shame that your DH has let you down massively in this situation. None of this is in your control and you have no say on how any of the situations are handled.

Most of us have had some problems with the Ex. Some worse than others. But it's how the husbands & partners handle this that plays a massive part on the roll on effect.

Not to stand up for your partner as I don't agree with a lot, but the problem is that SD is getting older now. So she will start understanding comments and the drama from the mum & dad. If he went to court and she refused access, that takes a massive toll on the relationship with SD and her dad. So I do sort of understand why he would be reluctant to rock the boat. Not saying it's acceptable, just to see it from his point.

My DB is in the military they didn't get housing until they married my SIL was pregnant so it was a shotgun wedding they had to be together . Unmarried couples don't get housing new rules were brought in recently that you have to be together for at least one year. I'm not buying that he was "trapped" doesn't add up.

Thanks for the tip, but really, it’s not down to you to dictate whether I post on here or not. So kindly wind your neck in.

Precisely.
Additionally, the OP says the ex had to be removed from the Army base when she was present with him, as she was kicking at the door. There’s absolutely no way she would’ve even been allowed on to the camp in the first place! …. People can’t just waltz onto a military camp when they feel like it, it just doesn’t happen.

They did marry, for 6 months. There is a reason the military get discount on divorce lawyers.
I dont need the military explained to me since I live it. Thanks.
It's not for you to "buy". But getting pregnant after 1 month, shotgun wedding and split another 6 months later doesn't seem like it was planned. Plus in arguments, she would admit to trapping him and think it's funny.

So to summarise, they have spent 4 years poisoning the well and are now shocked that you don't care to take a drink from it?
Your DP doesn't really sound like he's up for building a solid foundation with you, if he's not going to make any efforts to sort this out. I'd be gone. What's the point?

I was allowed on camp if I had a pass, she was allowed on camp because she still had her car pass still and was dating another person on camp.
It's funny how people just automatically think im lying without asking for details.
Victor's were allowed on with a pass during none working hours (my DPs). But what do I know, not like I am living it

Leave.

No good can come of this situation while dad is being like this. What it comes down to is that he’s a terrible parent, he’s got no control over this situation (which he should have), and he’s treating you incredibly disrespectfully.

I hear what you’re saying OP, you spent those first 4 years deliberately distancing yourself emotionally because THEY told you to, you would have gladly tried to form some kind of bond with the girl and been there for her but they “forbid” it. Now they’ve decided that it suits them for you to have a bond with her and be a parent figure to her, but you’re a human not a robot and you can’t and won’t just suddenly switch on those feelings and fall into that role they’ve decided for you just because it’s convenient.

I think you sound exasperated, depressed and highly stressed by this whole living arrangement, and I feel it has disaster written all over it.

Oh hon don't marry this man!

I used to cop a lot when I posted on forums venting about my stepkids mum. She was completely toxic. And still is. Having a baby doesn’t make you a good person. And not all dads are deadbeats.

these days (as an adult) my stepdaughter and I get along great. She lives close to us and we have a great relationship with her and her partner and his child. Her mother has little to do with them. They spend Xmas and bdays with us. She hasn’t even met sd partner and they have been together for 3 years.

we don’t have a good relationship with ss. Well I dont - as I said there is jealously and resentment. Interesting though when he went to see a psychologist about his issues she told him his mother was toxic and he should cut all contact with her. (This is what sd told me) but of course he discussed it with his mum and she convinced him the psych was the one with the problem and he should stop seeing her.

my husband had offered to help pay for him to see a psychologist - apparently he has borderline personality disorder. Dh told him to book the appointments and have them phone him and he would pay over the phone with his card. (Keeping in mind ss is 24 - not like he’s a child) his mum convinced him that dh would change his mind at the last minute and not pay so he didn’t book the appointments. Dh told him again he would but he just won’t 🙄. Nothing we can do to force him. I think his mother just doesn’t want him to speak to anyone because they might open his eyes to her behaviour.

@TiredStepMum89 honestly it sounds like your situation is very similar. In my experience it never really gets better. As the kids get older it gets worse - they play the parents off against each other and when one or both the parents are toxic like that and just out for their own interests and not the kids.

I wrote a long response to your reply to me but it didn’t post, so the short response…!
i know how dealing with an abusive ex feels - you have my sympathy.
i think you are asking all the right questions. There’s a post a week on here where someone has got married and had a child or ten and now they are fed up with not being able to parent their children as they want due to how the DSCs are parented. At that stage it’s too late in the game.

You know for a fact what type of father this man is, what your future will look like with him, and if you have a kid with him, what life will be like, and a toxic grandfather along with a poorly parented half sibling. That’s what you’d be signing up for. You could choose an enjoyable, easy life.

You know I have to say I agree with all this.

Op it's not what you want to hear but toxic people can only poison you by close contact. If your DH enables that poison to drop through, then he's as much problem as the ex is tbh.

They want you to do the parenting role because it makes their lives easier. As soon as you do it will be used against you. Look at this board.

Most women don't like second wives and the men know this so feel guilty and let sm be a convenient scape goat.

The phrase "run don't walk" springs to mind. Op you sound tired. I wish I could tell you it will get better but if what you said is true. The ex can be a nut but if your DH allows it well, your gonna get ground down super fast.

Run

I second this.

I just couldn't live with having such a poisonous person in my life for the rest of my life. DSD's behaviour will only get worse because her mum will encourage it and her Dad won't do anything about it.

I'm a step mum and there's no way in hell that my DH would let DSD call me a bitch with no consequences. DSD wouldn't as she's a lovely kid and her mum wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour from her either. Even with a lovely DH, DSD and DSD mum, step parenting can be challenging. But in your situation I can't imagine it will be anything other than a complete nightmare.

You deserve better than this. Imagine if you could fast forward a few of years. You could have met someone new, be happily married to a supportive partner with a baby you both love and parent together. Or you could be with your partner still and alone in trying to shield your baby from the toxic ex, jealous DSD (how will you feel when she calls your baby a bitch or worse and your partner says nothing) and feeling more and more resentful of your partner and his ineffectual parenting.

This is not an ex problem..it's a partner problem. Why is he communicating the nonsense he tells her about you?

He should tell her that he is SDs parent, in case she forgot and he's the coparent, not you. You're not obliged to do parental activities with her.

You got with him when she was a year old, so I can understand why she (the ex) was probably a challenge at that time. A new woman around her very young child, isn't going to thrill any mum tbh. She would have been worried and insecure that her daughter could get confused.

The current situation is your partner's expectations of you. If your not okay with them, then it's pointless complaining when you get married and the same problems/issues exist.

So often stepmothers say they didn't know what they were signing up for... but in reality, a lot of them have seen what life will be like when the relationship goes to the next level and they continue.

It's just a case of not wanting to lose the relationship and the sunken cost fallacy trap and/or the thought that their biological clock is ticking.

I agree with the rest leave.

Your DP knows what to do but refuses to do it. He's shown you your future.

I have my DP an ultimate that he had to sort the shit out with his toxic ex. He did. His ex is still toxic and due to her dreadful behaviour day-by-day her power is decreasing.

Incidentally because you now know what a toxic relationship involving an ex looks like you won't wait this length of time in another relationship before bailing.