Co-Parentung as a SM

[TiredStepMum89]

A little back story.... I've been with my fiancé 4 years now and getting married next year.
BM has tried her hardest to make our lives hell the last 4 years (I was not the OW) but that's another thread 🙂 In the past she has made it very difficult for me to form a bond with SD by telling me I'm not allowed around SD sometimes, or that I should go away for the weekend when my DP has SD, she has told me I am not to do anything for her DD and has poisoned my SD against me (I know this because SD (5) tell me all the things "mummy" says about me) I have had years of abuse from this woman.

Here's my problem, the last few months BM had had a complete switch around and is now causing issues because I won't "co-parent". I am not her parent. When getting into my relationship I was willing to step up but after all I have been through, I no longer want to make the effort. When SD stays with us (every other weekend because BM moved 3 hours away) I am kind to her and I interact and do crafts with her, but I am fed up of being expected to spend "family time" with her and my DP. I'll be honest, I don't love SD, I like her, I don't love her.
She has a horrible attitude, is not disciplined and she has never been taught to tidy things away so it is left for me. I have stopped tidying up after her, I don't tell her off when she's rude, I don't correct her attitude, i dont even cook when she is here because the food is wasted.
I spent years being told I am not allowed to do those things but now BM and DP seem to expect that of me.
My partner is part of the problem, because he left her mum, he feels guilty for leaving his DD, therefore his DD gets her own way all the time.
I told him I was going away for his next weekend with SD because it my birthday and I haven't seen my friend for a year. I could see the disappointment in his face that I won't be here to spend time with him and SD. It gets on my nerves because I don't want to be and I shouldn't feel guilted into spending time with them. At this point, she's not my child so I don't understand why this is all expected of me suddenly after 4 years.
My question is.... AITA for not giving a damn? She can be in our house all she likes and I won't ignore her or treat her horrible, but why should I be so involved when I haven't been allowed for the last 4 years? I don't want to be anymore, and I've come to a point where I can happily live a separate life to her and her dad.
I'm have no doubt I'll get some hate for this but I feel what I feel 🤷🏼‍♀️

I do worry for the little one growing up because she is also showing major signs of separation anxiety. Her mother will ring when we have her and this will cause SD to scream and cry for her mum when she gets off the phone. It distresses her, she doesn't want to stay here, all she wants is her mum. It's horrible for all of us when she does this. It's only been happening in the last few months since mum broke up with her boyfriend. My DP has raised this with mum but mum says it's normal. We are still worried that she cannot be away from her mum for even a weekend. It's agony for my partner. It's almost as if mum has no one else but her child and can't be without her this has rubbed off on SD.
I have worried about if have children and SD being around them since there has been occasions where she has pushed her cousins down the stairs or bit them. She spat in another child's face because "their voice was annoying". She kicked her mum in the face.... there's so many things wrong that we are seeing at such a young age.

OK - this 5 yr old child has had you in her life for 4 years.

Whilst her mother may have made life difficult for what ever reason, in her fathers house, he can have his own rules and enforce them and you can be part of that.

You don't have a BM problem or even an SD problem - you have partner problem fir what ever reason. Your SD reflects the people who influence her- her DF and DM.

Your comments and tone about your SD are not pleasant - this is a 5 yr old who travels 3 hrs eow to see her father and there is no doubt you will be unable to hide your emotions to her - kids are quite astute on picking the subtle signals up.

You should not marry this man, for your sake and this childs sake. YOu have a choice in your home environment - she does not

You can think what you like, I am new to MN and did not know it meant birth mum since the universal meaning is generally baby mum. If you also look at context, I don't want to be her mum so why would I need to state her as birth mum since I don't claim SD to have another mum?

If mum held back for a year, then I would understand, but 4 years, living together for 2 and engaged for 1? No. They were together less than a year so I don't know why she would think we wouldn't stick after all that I just stated. Plus, it's not just her decision, SD has another parent too and he trusted me and wanted me involved but he was scared of her because she would withhold child if she didn't get what she wanted.

Yes, she has a horrible attitude, calling people bitches, spitting in other kids faces because their voice annoyed her, kicking her mum in the face......

If you had to deal with even half of what I have had to them maybe you would be highly strung too.
Why is it that you are being combative, yet no one else is?

I don't think you can expect a 5 year old to tidy up. You can prompt a little bit but they won't be able to do it without assistance. The other things YANBU you may not be the OW but you got with your OH when his DD was 1. Is this a good man to get into a new relationship so soon after a new baby is born? What about if you have DC together could you trust him not to just bail ?

It sounds a incredibly toxic environment with bad blood. I wouldn't marry this man I'd run for the hills.

It's OUR house so should be OUR rules. I'm notnjust a spare part in my own home, which is how I am made to feel.

I said she had an attitude and no discipline. I consider spitting in another child's face, kicking her mum in the face and calling me a bitch -all with no discipline- a problem. I won't lie and say she's a perfect 5 years old, she needs boundries and discipline. Both of which I am not allowed to give but its absolutely fine for me to tidy up after her, cook for her, have her overnight when DP has to work.

I am not hostile or horrible to her, infant she keeps asking when my DP can go to work so she can have a "girly sleepover" with me. I would never take this out on her, but that doesnt mean I wanna spend forced family days out now that Mum will "let" me. Maybe my tone is because I have been through so much, trying to fit in and I have finally had enough and wanted advice on my situation.

If he wanted to be one big happy family he should have stood up for you and supported you when you were willing to step up and be involved at the start instead of letting his ex dictate who can and can't spend time with her DD when she's at her dads. He's brought this all on himself and now he wants to move the goalposts along with his ex? Na.

I've been with my DP 2 years and we're getting married in 6 werks.

Based on what you have said, I would expect major jealousy if you do have children.

my oldest child goes to a private school which is quite expensive. Ss is jealous of this. Never mind that we wanted him to go to a private school, we offered to pay 100% for it, and his mum declined at the last moment as she didn’t want to iron uniforms. That is literally the reason she gave after we paid the application fee and deposit and went to the interview, all that. In his mind though he went to a crap school and my kids go to a good school so he’s angry about this.

your sd sounds like she has serious behaviour problems and probably needs to see someone. But from the sounds of it that will not happen. I would think twice about being with this man honestly.

Read your posts back as if your friend was in this situation rather than you. Would you advise her to carry on the relationship, marry or have children in these circumstances?

What I don't expect is for hetlr to roll around the floor screaming when she's asked to tidy up. No matter how we dress it up, she will scream and cry. So why should I be expected to tidy up after her?

The situation around their relationship was not a good one. He only stayed with her because she was pregnant and he was in the army so that would mean stability and benefits for her. And I know this because SHE told me, she also claims to have stayed because of the benefits. They were together 10 months, it's been 4 years for me.

SD was 18 months before we met. I do think that is more than enough time in-between, especially after mum packed up and moved 3 hours away from him therefore he had to see less of his daughter.

Sorry phone glitched and posted before I'd finished.

My DSDs mum has badmouthed both me and DP and called me the help etc and was also not overly keen on me being involved in either DP or DSDs life. But you know what? That wasn't her decision to make. His ex has been told from the start that she has no say on what DP decides to do on his time, of course unless DSD is endangered by it.

Your DP never stood up to his ex at the time and you rightfully put your own boundaries in place. You can't just be expected to drop then because the ex has changed her tune.

We have brought this up with Mum because we are worried about her behavior and how it will impact her in the future but mum knows best. It's just a phase and happens with all children at that age apparently. We have also talked about putting her in private school when she's older but mum said she's "not a snob". It's disgusting. And I am at a loss here.

Yes, their relationship was very toxic and he left there with many mental scars, the army had to offer him help afterwards. And because of this, mum was able to control him using their child. She would refuse him access if he did not do as she wanted. He was scared of not seeing his daughter so he played along. The army even had to ban her from camp because of the trouble she would cause. He got rushed to hospital once (so couldnt have his DD) and she had to ring his officer just make sure he wasn't lying. Thats how bad she was.
I think it's just stuck with him for so long to play along with her and now we are due to get married, I've made him see that I need to come before Mum. He's just not trying hard enough because he still holds that fear that she can take little one away. He also feels guilty for leaving the home so he let's DD get away with things.

I'm guessing you are American from the benefits thing and calling mum BM? I don't know it just gives me bad vibes splitting when a baby is so young.

Considering we don't know why they split does it give you "bad vibes" about the mum too? Or, just men?

Don't get married.

This relationship is a disaster, and at the heart of it is a 5yo little girl who hasn't done anything wrong - apart from being the result of feckless parenting from BOTH sides, and being subjected to dads girlfriend who doesn't particularly like her.

It's a train wreck.

I'm in the UK and the benefits they get are housing.

She has admitted to me plenty of times (in a row) that she trapped him. They were together a month when she fell pregnant because (her words) she stopped taking the pill. He did what he though was right and stayed with her. The army gave them housing . The police were called multiple times because she had hit him in the street and neighbours called the police (again, she told me this when we were on speaking terms, years ago.) She admitted to being abusive and toxic and that she needed help (her own mother asked my DP to get her sectioned once) . I think it is fully justified for him to leave. He tells me that if he hadn't of left when he did then he wouldn't have survived. I think that is MORE than reason enough to leave.

I didnt say I didn't like her, I said I didn't love her. I cannot force a feeling that is not there and it is totally valid for SMs to not love their SC as their own.

This. Did he not get a court order for 50/50 and the mother to bring the child to him since she chose to move away? Is he striving to improve his parenting? How does he envision his kids behaviour if he has another kid, with you?

Is this really all you want? To me, it doesn’t sound like a fun, enjoyable relationship worth all the shite, and you don’t need counselling, it’s ok to feel how you do.

I think you need to stop commenting. She doesn't sound highly strung at all. You're not helping.

Nope, and that's an argument that we are having. I want him to go to mediation about all this but he said it'll just anger mum more.
She was the one who moved but he couldn't because he's in the army. She will not drive at all to meet him, he does it all. If he doesn't then he doesn't get to see his child.

And thank you for saying that. I can't help but feel that I am the one who needs help because of the way I am dealing with all this. I feel like I need to learn to deal with it in a healthier way for myself.

Thank you. I've had a lot to deal with and maybe that has come out in my words. People will hear what they want to sometimes

My DPs ex abused him physically and mentally for 12 years and used to threaten to move away with her DS who was not DPs but who calls DP dad and DP has brought up since the age of 2. He has no legal rights to DP so stayed so he wouldn't lose him. He carries a lot of damage from the relationship. They split up several times and he always went back. He finally left for good when she assaulted him in front of their then 2yo DD.

He's had nothing but grief from since they split 2.5 years ago, but has learned not to react and not to pander to her.

If your DP is worried about her running away with the child he needs to get a court order in place if he hasn't already. My DPs ex stopped him seeing his DD for 2 months because she wanted to change their verbal custody agreement and he said no. There is now a legal agreement in place which details arrangements for birthdays, xmas etc so everyone knows where they stand and there's no arguments.

My DPs ex is a lunatic as well.

With regards to her contacting you she has no right. DSDs mum wanted my number and was told no. We've had to put quite a lot of boundaries in place. Your DP needs to do the same. I always say you can't control how someone else behaves but you can control how you react to it and how you behave.

Never once have I felt DP hasn't listened to me, pandered to his ex or not defended me. My DSD and I have an extremely close bond and I've always felt supported and appreciated in my SM role. That was down to my DP and in despite his ex doing everything in her power to make things difficult or try and cause arguments between us.

Marriage is about being an impenetrable team and having each others backs. It doesn't sound like your DP has yours so i would seriously consider whether marrying him is the right thing.

@TiredStepMum89

You don't have to explicitly say that you don't like her. It's evident. No one has said that you 'have' to love her.
She's 5 years of age. That is still tiny. She is the product of her parentage. That cannot be blamed on her mum alone.

You have lots of stories to tell about how mum is an awful person, have you witnessed these all first hand? All too often we hear that mum is an awful person and dad is just trying his best, avoiding having his care withheld.
If what you're saying is true, can dad get a solicitor involved and protect his DD?

Of course have counselling if you want, for whatever reason, but I don’t think you need it for your perfectly valid thoughts and feelings. You are not the one with the issue here. It all sounds hellish.

I often see posts on here where a bloke won’t formalise contact because he ‘doesn’t want to make things worse’ with the kids mother. More like ‘doesn’t want to have to parent more’, or ‘doesn’t want to give the child security’. If exes are so unstable and unreasonable, how on earth can getting court ordered access be ‘worse’? Get them to justify themselves.