Inheritance

[BananaFluff]

I have inherited some money - not loads. But I want to save some of it to take my shared DC away on holiday with DH when they are a bit older. The once in a lifetime kind of holiday, maybe Disneyland not decided yet will see what they like when they are older. I don't want to pay for my DSC and I don't want them coming tbh. It would change the vibe DC will be in primary school and they'll be much older teens possibly even in 6th form. Anyway. I mentioned to DH this was my plan and he was like oh can I bring DSC if they want to come and offered to pay. So I have begrudgingly said well start saving and we'll see when the time comes if they want to come but I want it to be the holiday I choose because it's my relatives money I'm spending and your kids are tagging along. So far so good but it got me thinking, he should be paying for half of shared DC too shouldn't he? I'm a bit miffed he didnt even think about that.

@SoupDragon Agreed, I'm just pointing out that it's not one sided.

@Ineverwannabelikeyou

I'm not defending step parents, first wives or parents. I'm defending children. As I said not everyone wants to take on other peoples children and that's absolutely valid but don't make the commitment and then push them out. If it becomes "my family " and "his (or her) family" then it's a problem .

You're not defending children at all. You have no idea of the dynamics of this relationship. You aren't marrying the children. Same as your husband's parents didn't marry you. It's often actually not a problem and not all of us actually want some kind of weird third parent for our kids nor do we aim to be that for someone elses.

Again, how is she pushing them out exactly? These children likely have holidays with their own mother too.

You're only seeing this from your own very limited pov where you only see children as victims because you deem yours to be.

I would do soething age appropriate with the young DCs. And something age appropriate with the older DCs

So Disney and skiing in the winter

That could be a great idea actually

offer the older children a trip away skiing with dad only or offer them a trip to Disney with the whole family

If they are your step children, they are also your children. You can't treat them a second rate. You're either a family or not and sounds like you aren't. Not great step-parenting there...

No, they're not.

If I had said to my dss actual mother he was my child as well now she would have actually battered me to death.

@Ineverwannabelikeyou step parents have a choice as do parents. Step children do not have a choice. I'm not saying it's black and white obviously it can get complicated and messy and parents will ultimately support their own children . I'm sorry if my post has affected you because of your own experience. In this instance we are not talking about life and death issues it's a holiday to Disneyland. Very much a first world problem. I think it would be unfair to not include step children in a special trip. But agree op should not have to fund them

Yes of course ideally they wouldn't feel like she doesn't want them there purely because she doesn't like them.

felulageller explained well upthread some of the less emotive reasons to not want to take them. At the very least it's likely that if they went, she and her DC would see very little of their DH as he would have to be off with the older DC doing something completely different, so she may as well not take him. Blended families have large age gaps more than nuclear families tend to and it throws up unique issues. It also throws up unique solutions, as the fact that this is very much a "kids" holiday could offer a perfectly rational explanation as to why the late teen kids weren't taken. It depends on the kids. Some might still be of a sensitive nature enough to be upset about that, but many wouldn't give a toss and perhaps would consider themselves too cool for the trip. There isn't really a one size fits all.

They do have a choice, but marrying someone does not mean becoming a third parent. It just doesn't. It hasn't affected me, it's just irritating when people lecture others when they have absolutely no experience of the situation.

I don't agree that op HAS to include them at all. I agree if she chooses to their actual parents should fund it. I think it's okay to want to do something with your own children sometimes.

They are not being left out. If they want to come they can come.

@Ineverwannabelikeyou so you have had feelings of frustration/annoyance at being made to feel selfish for wanting your own unique parenting experiences with your kids. I get that I think it depends on context. It's about equality, so if sc go on holiday with their mum do they have to go with you and get two holidays? No. If mum does a birthday party for sc do you have to ? No . can yo still throw a party for your child? Yes. The reason I feel it would be unfair in this instance is because it's a special trip that presumably if they don't go they won't get to do.

Yes fair enough. That's exactly why I thought I'd check my think here. Thank you for answering in a kind way.

Of course I don't make it obvious to the kids. I like the kids. But it will massively change the dynamic from me using the money I've put in DC's pot to spend some time focusing on them to a family holiday dealing with the DSC and their wants will be much different to a 6-7 year old.

Yes it is a while away but I want to spend this money in the best way for my DC.

If dad wants to take them skiing he can do so. I'm not stopping him. I will happily stay at home and let them have bonding time with their dad. I can't imagine DH skiing but if he wants to take them on a seperate holiday that is fine with me. He has done this in the past, I think its important they get time withhim without me and DC, especially as they are getting older.

@aSofaNearYou Yes thank you. It is not because I don't like them. It is purely because it will change the dynamics of any trip. The older kids will get bored doing younger child stuff. DH's attention will get drawn to them the majority of the time and I'll be left looking after the younger one.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

There are alot of background issues here.
I can totally recognise the resentment when you feel like you pay for your children alone, meanwhile your DH focuses on paying for your DSC at your home and also maintainance. It's not a good feeling, and I can see why you want to put your foot down when you are the one with a bit of power over the situation.
I can also recognise the need to protect your relatives legacy for your children and not have it diluted and shared with kids who were strangers to them.
Thirdly, the feeling of being left with the little ones and all the hard work while DH is off with his much older DC when you are supposedly on a "family" holiday - been there, too. It's crap . I think that just as DSC and their parents need to accept that their nuclear family is no more and the step family cannot operate entirely as a nuclear family because it's not one, step parents need to accept that finances also cannot operate as a nuclear family either. It's more complicated than that.
Twee as it sounds, looking out for your own childrens interests must be balanced with
kindness and care for all the members of your family, otherwise what's the point of it all?

I reckon wait and see in regards to teens. But I don’t think dad needs to be trying to pay for your kids too. Why don’t you save some some extra over time so that you don’t have to use as much of the inheritance of it’s in a few years? This would still be less than what your husband will be saving as the teens will be full price for somewhere like Disney.
If he saves and they decide not to come, would he still use some of this money towards your family holiday? If yes, then I really don’t think you need to think about it too much.
So, I reckon just stick with current plan and deal with details when it’s closer to the time.

@Yousee I completely agree with you and this is why I agreed the DSC can come. That was exactly my thinking. If they want to come they can. My only thought was hang on, now it's a family holiday shouldn't DH be covering half of DC's cost. Someone else upthread explained why this thinking was erroneous and it makes sense to me now.

The irony of posters like this claiming other posters are not nice people.

Sorry - your point is what Sofa

@lookluv thank you for raising your issues. Let me address them.

You want your DP to pay half of your shared DCs - Is he actually part of your family and father of your shared DCS or not. yes he is.

Your money is your money fair enough but your above approach is incomprehensible I don't understand how it is incomprehensible.

You have agreed to SDCs coming if their DF pays for them - which he has agreed to do. You now wish you had not. - WT actual F Where have I said this- I think you have misunderstood. WT actual F.

I pity your SDCs as you obviously don't like them, resent their presence in your life and their siblings life and your true feelings have emerged. WT actual F.

i also pity your SP who you are placing in a very difficult position, you will resent the SDCs on the holiday and thus you will ruin the holiday of a life time for everyone concerned when all the DCs irrespective of origin should have a great time. WT actual F.

You are not a nice person - glad you are not my SDCs SM or ven my EXs new partner WT actual F.

That your comments present you to be not a nice person and yet you constantly accuse others of it.