Inheritance

[BananaFluff]

I have inherited some money - not loads. But I want to save some of it to take my shared DC away on holiday with DH when they are a bit older. The once in a lifetime kind of holiday, maybe Disneyland not decided yet will see what they like when they are older. I don't want to pay for my DSC and I don't want them coming tbh. It would change the vibe DC will be in primary school and they'll be much older teens possibly even in 6th form. Anyway. I mentioned to DH this was my plan and he was like oh can I bring DSC if they want to come and offered to pay. So I have begrudgingly said well start saving and we'll see when the time comes if they want to come but I want it to be the holiday I choose because it's my relatives money I'm spending and your kids are tagging along. So far so good but it got me thinking, he should be paying for half of shared DC too shouldn't he? I'm a bit miffed he didnt even think about that.

Well in our house we have our money, his money and my money. We always have. It works for us. He is not broke.

If your dh inherited money would that just be his? If that's your agreement fair enough but I find it strange we have joint money tho. With regards to wether your sc should be included. Whilst I agree they shouldn't necessarily be entitled to attend every holiday as presumably they go away with their mum and your dh pays maintenance. This is a special holiday so I think it would be mean to leave them out particularly if your not even covering their costs. As they are older they may not want to come or if they did they would probably go off on their own. And as for making your dh pay half towards your dc when this is supposed to be a treat why would you do that? Are you trying to make it harder for him and his kids to attend? If I was your dh I would be tempted not to go, there's nothing fun about a 'treat' that's riddled with conditions.

You don't sound mean at all, OP. The first wives club is out in force.

Your suggestion is the best way. Invite DSC but he pays.

Well clearly he can’t afford to pay for half of your joint kids and all of his kids? Otherwise it wouldn’t be a one off holiday

i do find it quite divisive that you are not offering to pay for them or at least a proportion after-all it is you who has come into the money

Does it happen often now? That splitting costs have him paying for his first kids and you for your joint kids?

Horrid way to treat children. To even suggest it is very mean.

@autienotnaughty Yes it would be his. We would both decide how to spend some of it. Eg. He has suggested I spend some on paying off the mortgage or doing up the kitchen and I am in agreement these are good ideas. He would be free to spend his money on his kids. Inheritance money is "extra" money and not to be expected.

My only thought re asking him to pay half of shared DC's costs is that it will reduce the money saved for their uni fees or whatever. I am not manipulative and I've already agreed they can come so I don't know why people think I'm trying to make it so they can't come. Do people play these ridiculous games? I don't. If I've said they can come it's because I've accepted they can come if they like even though they will be late teens and might not even want to come. Despite what people are saying I do like them. Just a 6 year old and a young adult will have very different ideas of fun.

Yes that's his agreement too. And i will just pay for me and him and DC. OK thanks everyone who has helped me see that's fair.

My only thought re asking him to pay half of shared DC's costs is that it will reduce the money saved for their uni fees or whatever.

Asking him to pay half of DC’s costs just because he’ll be paying for his other DC isn’t fair at all. If he didn’t ask to bring his other DC then you wouldn’t ask him to pay for half of your DC’s costs would you? No because it’s your treat with the inheritance money.

Saying, ‘okay bring your DC if you want’ and then saying ‘well actually shouldn’t you be paying half for our DC too’ just sounds fucked imo

No, this was supposed to be you treating the family. The DSC are in the family. You should be paying for everyone. That is what treating the family means.

YANBU. Your relative left the money to you not your husbands children.

It has done. But on my insistence. Eg if he's had school uniform to buy in the holidays I insisted I'd cover the DC's zoo entry fee and he just paid for his kids

Actually it was meant to be using some of DC's pot to give them a life experience

Just wondering if dh inheritited money and said to you im taking my 1st born to disneyland I have enough to take 2nd born but I'm not we can pay for him out of our money ... how would you feel

Then fair enough @BananaFluff - I just think it is mean to say he has to pay half now as you have said he can pay for DSC. Surely in most marriages an inheritance is joint money - whether savings or to do something nice.

Doesn't have to be but I think it would be in most

Not sure what the 1st wives club is

however the posts I see on mn where step dads are behaving begrudgingly towards kids and the overwhelming response is to actually leave him!!

it’s not ok when it’s the other way round

kids are kids at the end of the day. A gift and the future. Their environment matters hugely and that includes the adults in their life

They are all his kids so that wouldn't be fair no.

No, this was supposed to be you treating the family. The DSC are in the family. You should be paying for everyone. That is what treating the family means.

That's really not for you or anyone else to say. Step parents are not responsible for are children in the same way as parents, she's perfectly entitled to just treat her own kids.

Seems the money will be used to benefit all sorts of things aside from the step children.

in a way yes I understand that but as it’s a holiday and you got lucky it wouldn’t harm to say you’ll Co tribute somehow to them coming. Surely your approach will lead to resentment from your husband? It’s like you’ve drawn the line

I think because it was inheritance that might be clouding how I feel about it a little. Like I feel very protective of the share I'm allocating to DC's pot. My relative didn't really meet the DSC.

Agree completely!!

No first wife club here but I have seen the damage that it does to a step child who isn’t included in family events eg holidays, Christmas . Names not on family Christmas cards. It’s horrid.

im unsure why women get with men or vice versa who have children but aren’t willing to accept them as a full part of the family.

thankful my cousins had an amazing step dad who treated them all the same. Shame not everyone sees family as that.

Yes this is why I agreed they can come!