Inheritance

[BananaFluff]

I have inherited some money - not loads. But I want to save some of it to take my shared DC away on holiday with DH when they are a bit older. The once in a lifetime kind of holiday, maybe Disneyland not decided yet will see what they like when they are older. I don't want to pay for my DSC and I don't want them coming tbh. It would change the vibe DC will be in primary school and they'll be much older teens possibly even in 6th form. Anyway. I mentioned to DH this was my plan and he was like oh can I bring DSC if they want to come and offered to pay. So I have begrudgingly said well start saving and we'll see when the time comes if they want to come but I want it to be the holiday I choose because it's my relatives money I'm spending and your kids are tagging along. So far so good but it got me thinking, he should be paying for half of shared DC too shouldn't he? I'm a bit miffed he didnt even think about that.

I think I’d feel angry and guilty too if my DC had a stepmother. It can’t be easy. Every less-than-perfect move the stepmother made would feel like a dagger in my heart, given she shouldn’t be in their lives in the first place (that’s probably how I’d be thinking, I’m not actually in that position). Obviously it depends on the situation but I’ve wondered about it in the past.

I mean if you end up in this position - it's completely out of your control what your ex does

Every less-than-perfect move the stepmother made would feel like a dagger in my heart, given she shouldn’t be in their lives in the first place

The above is why people come to the step parenting board to give OPs like this one a good kicking and use their feelings to justify being seriously unkind.

Unless your a perfect parent - why is the bar higher for step parents ? It's fine for parents to feel guilty if the first marriage breaks (if they wish) but why is that guilt whacked on to the sps to make up? (Baring obviously the sp being the OW or OM) - surely it's on the parents to make sure that break doesn't effect the kids

Tbh most sp are convenient scapegoat and to be honest not in best interest of the children, because it's up to the adults to manage their emotions accordingly.

My Dd has a step mother who was the ow after the loss of my first born and you know what I'm grateful my child has a lovely women in her life. I still think my ex is a twat but I also think that's a him problem.. not a her problem

Ummm... no. They should consider whether they are happy to join and existing family and behave like a decent member of that family, and ensure that they make sure children who already exist feel and will continue to feel secure and loved as a result of their decision. If they will not/ cannot do that, they should not get involve with a parent in the first place. Being in a child's life does require some level of selflessness even as a step-parent. If you don't want to do that, then don't. But don't get involved and then damage them through making them feel unwanted or on the outside of their own family that existed before you, as an adult, decided to join it.

And then stamp your feet about how you don't get enough time alone with your partner. Or you're fed up of the step child spending time with their parent and their parent - if they are a decent one - prioritising their child over you. Or expecting them to be included in family things even if you then decide to have more children. You are an adult. If you decide to create these complex family dynamics that a child has no say in, then it is up to you to mitigate the impact of that on them as much as possible and put them first, whether they are your child or not.

If you don't want to do that then nobody is forcing you to have a relationship/ more children with people who already have children whose needs are more important than your preferences.

And before the obvious personal attacks start, my children have no step parents and never will. So don't bother trotting out the "angry/ bitter" mother trope.

I mean I don't want to be blunt but unless your children father has died.

That's not something that's in your control.

My Dd has a step mother who was the ow after the loss of my first born and you know what I'm grateful my child has a lovely women in her life.

Yeah, she sounds lovely. The kind of woman who'd have an affair with a man whose wife had just lost a baby. A real gem. Full of empathy and compassion and a pillar of morality. 😆

Maybe he didnt offer to pay for your shared children because it wasnt a mutual decision made from the start. You made it clear that with the money you inherited you wanted to take your child on holiday.

I mean I don't want to be blunt but unless your children father has died.

That's not something that's in your control.

Thanks for the insight. 🙄 I am a lone parent and the children will never have a step-parent, no. The reasons for that are none of your business. So I have no "skin in this game" except to be disgusted at how some people treat children whose lives they have chosen to become a part of.

He cooks the Christmas dinner when the DSC are here. Why? What is that to do with it?

So you have no step kids, or step parents you know of involved with your children, don't think that people should have blended families yet your on the step parenting board being disgusted. With know actual knowledge of step families Right...

Completely makes sense 😏

You will totally get then as a step child (one of the people your "defending") and a ex wife I find that ironic. And naturally your entitled to your opinion, but not all opinions are equal.

And YOU are the reason people do not like using these boards. Judgemental, arrogant and fucking clueless.

Just because the term is step-'parent' it doesn't mean that you become an actual parent to a child as soon as you get married.

When I got married to my H, I agreed to be his wife. I did not agree to be a new mother to his child. I wouldn't want that and neither would his child or the child's actual mother.

your CLEAR favoritism?

Comments like this are CRAZY to me.

Surely most reasonable people can understand that step families aren't one size fits all? This Brady bunch, step parent taking DSCs on as their own children, treating them exactly the same and being a complete third parent may work for some but it certainly won't work for all.

HELL YES my own child is my favourite. HELL YES people know that. HELL YES I treat my child differently to DSC. That's how it is in our family. No one even needs to ask if the love or feeling or priority I have for my child compared to DSC are the same because they know the answer would be no, not in the slightest.

My husband understands that. My DSC understand that I'm sure, my DSCs mum knows that.

That doesn't mean I hate them or dislike them or they are miserable when they are with us and treated terribly. But no way will I ever feel for or treat my DSC exactly like I do my own child.

I absolutely have a favourite, and it's my son hands down every. single. time. 🤷‍♀️

It shows in a number of ways and I don't think any of them are wrong. It shows in the affection I give toward my son which I don't my DSC (they'd hate it if I was affectionate with them in the same way I am out son), it shows in the level of care I provide for my son but not my DSC (I'm his mum so..! DSC have two parents already, why would I need to provide the same level of parenting?), It shows in the opportunities I'll work my butt off for to provide for my child and ensure he has the best of everything (again, DSC have two parents to do this for them).

DSC to me are much like extended family children. Sure I'll help out if their parents need it, sure I'll spend my money treating them sometimes (although not on huge expenses), sure I'll cook for them if they are here, sure I like them and we get on, but no way do I feel for them like I do my child. And no one in our set up has an issue with that or expects me too.

Amen to that 🙌
I will never understand the people who insist this is shocking and bleat on about the "poor kids".

and their parent - if they are a decent one - prioritising their child over you
A) if they aren't to put their child through another family breakdown, they will have to prioritise their spouse sometimes
B) if you still think child must come first, why can't a step parent prioritise their own child over a step child?

So you have no step kids, or step parents you know of involved with your children, don't think that people should have blended families yet your on the step parenting board being disgusted. With know actual knowledge of step families Right...

I didn't say I had no knowledge of step families. I had step-parents when I was younger actually. And many in my extended family do, also. I don't have to justify to you why I post on any board, nobody does.

That you know of

What is wrong with you? What kind of people would introduce a step-parent into a child's life and not inform the child's other parent?! What a bizarre idea. But no, this is not something that will ever happen in my case, as I have said above. My children will only ever have one parent in their lives now, which is me.

Completely makes sense 😏

Good. More than can be said for your posts, unfortunately.

You will totally get then as a step child (one of the people your "defending") and a ex wife I find that ironic. And naturally your entitled to your opinion, but not all opinions are equal.

As I said I was a step child too. I am not sure why you seem to think your opinion is more valid than mine. Or the copious research showing that step families on the whole negatively impact the wellbeing of the children involved, and "blended families" even more so.

Oh dear. Nobody has suggested you should pretend to be the child's mother. What has been suggested is that you should not create this situation unless you are prepared to understand that the child's wellbeing and security (mental and financial) should be a priority over yours, that the parent you have decided to become involved with spending time with their child takes priority over your preferences even if you find this annoying/ inconvenient, and that if you decide to then bring further children into this existing family - knowing how hard that will likely be for that child - you should be prepared to do everything within your power to make them feel included and wanted and equally as welcome in the home and on holidays etc as those new children that you chose to create: knowing the existing situation and knowing that the existing child has been through huge disruption already and that creating more children and complicating things further for them is a choice, that YOU are making so it's your job to mitigate the impact of that on them.

If you don't wish to do this, because yes it is difficult, then don't get involved with a partner with children.

A) nobody forced them to create another precarious "family" dynamic that might collapse in the first place.
B) All children in the family should be prioritised. A step parent is joining an existing family by choice therefore needs to prioritise the wellbeing of the children in that family as well as any subsequent ones they may have (and should also consider the impact on the existing child before having more).

Again, it they do not wish to do so, they can find a partner without children instead of moaning about these completely obvious responsibilities that come with starting a relationship with someone who has children already.

So do you only put effort into a forced marriage then? What's your point? Is another marriage breakdown good for kids if "nobody forced" it in the first place?
You say all the children should be prioritised and I agree that all children deserve to be their parents priority and to know that they are special to their mum and dad.

What?!

The point is the adults chose to create the situation for their own wants and should therefore prioritise the needs of the children and mitigate as much as possible the impact of their decisions on those children who had no say in it.

Nobody was talking about forced marriage. 🙄

I just wanted to do a nice thing for my child with my late relatives gift.

I said ok the DSC can come too - DH will pay for them. That is how we have always structured out finances. We have a joint pot all the food costs and day to day stuff comes out of.

I do not understand all the posters saying I should be paying for DSC. That was never a required option in the situation. DH has never asked me to. It is not required.

I'm grateful that my DH accepts that the DSC, while part of my family, will never be my responsibility at the end of the day and are his. We have a nice set up it all works well. Everyone is happy, most needs are met. Some wants are met.

Posters here have made me see that yes it makes sense for him not to have offered to pay for half of shared DC.

No actually the step family exists because the parents split up. It was the parents choice to split, it was the parents choice to mitigate any impact to their children.

Even I can see this as a mum.

It was the parents choice to split

I keep saying this....parents? No, not always. I certainly didn't make a choice to split. That was taken out of my hands by a cheating husband. Both myself and the children has no.choice but to manage it.

@DubiousGiraffe I said people need to prioritise their spouse sometimes if they want their marriage to work. You then said "nobody forced them to create this family dynamic" by way of argument that a spouse should not sometimes be prioritised. You brought it up 🤷‍♀️

I stand by my point anyway. I do think working towards a strong relationship as foundation for a secure home life is a big part of a parents job. Parents who cheat and abuse their spouse are beyond the pale, obviously, but there is no credit in proudly neglecting your spouse "for the kids" only for it all to fall apart. That seems to be a part of many of the problems on threads on this board.

"If you don't want to ever put your spouse/marriage first then don't get married" is the flip side of "if you wish your boyfriend/girlfriends children didn't exist then don't get married" IMO.

Apologies for the derail @BananaFluff