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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP funny with me about DS Dad

125 replies

Mumoftwo2021 · 04/10/2022 18:38

Not posted in a long time but I’m looking to try and understand my DP feelings and his thinking and whether it’s a normal step parent feeling or not.
Whenever I need to speak to or visit somewhere with my DS dad eg parents evening or drop off on his dads my DP is always cold with me when I get home, he is funny with me hardly speaks to me, off with me.

I haven’t been with my DS dad for 9 years, we’ve been together 7, I only speak to him as and when needed and we are amicable for my sons sake as I feel it’s the right thing.

Can anyone help me understand how he feels or anything I can do to help him with this? Xx

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday21 · 04/10/2022 18:41

This is a weird reaction to be honest, giving you the cold shoulder because you spoke to your ex (because of the kids) is a red flag. Sounds like some form of jealousy.

Notmrsfitz · 04/10/2022 18:46

I think step parenting and all the added stuff that comes with it can be very difficult to navigate.
is he definitely a bit funny about it?
could you be reading more into it?
could he be resentful that you made your son together?
my situation is entirely different from yours but I do sometimes feel
a bit awkward when Dp sees his wife and I don’t always know how to handle my hang ups (which are entirely mine) .

Original poster
Mumoftwo2021 · 04/10/2022 18:46

I Have tried to speak to him about it in the past, advised that I also would rather have nothing to do with him but as we have a child that isn’t an option.
I don’t want to disregard his feelings, but also I have said in the past that he knew I had a child when he met me and it’s not something I can change. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwo2021 · 04/10/2022 18:50

I know before we had our own children he felt excluded, but he still seems funny sometimes.I don’t expect him to be over the moon but just normal with me, he is normal with the kids then one word answers to me, no emotion etc.
He is an excellent step dad to my DS And loves him and treats him as his own.
im just torn because these things cannot be avoided but I also don’t want him to feel unsupported. I do tell him he can come along and be involved when he wants as he is a big part of his life also and my DS’s Dad is fine with this too and has no problem with him.
I agree it’s a difficult situation and I also understand that being a step parent is also difficult xx

OP posts:
properdoughnut · 04/10/2022 18:59

I don't mean this in a dismissing your feelings way but are you sure he's funny with you? DH always thought I was "being funny" about things like this but it was because I was just getting about my day like normal and not chatting and asking how it went because I didn't really give a shit.

If he's definitely being funny with you and it's been this long then I guess just give him a bit of a wide berth for 30 mins or so when you get home. I definitely felt like and outsider until I had my own DC with DH and even now I still get that occasionally but that's my own thing to deal with not DH's

Original poster
Mumoftwo2021 · 04/10/2022 19:10

That’s a good idea the 30 minute thing, at least then it gives him time to process it and come to me when he’s comfortable.
Personally I would be different but I respect how he feels if he finds it difficult.
I think it would be unfair of me to expect him to be all roses with it all, because he’s not me.
I will suppose it could be that I’m more aware of it and reading into it more, because he has expressed in the past he doesn’t like it and that’s that. However I will be more aware next time and see if it is the case or not xx

OP posts:
AubadeIsIt · 04/10/2022 20:31

Is your ex a nice person? Is there any reason your partner might be concerned or put off by him other than jealousy?

Original poster
Mumoftwo2021 · 04/10/2022 20:56

Yea he’s a nice guy and never been rude, or anything to my DP, he can be selfish in ways I don’t agree with but as a dad he tries his best. Xx

OP posts:
pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/10/2022 07:30

@Mumoftwo2021 it might just be he feels awkward so clams up ?

properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 07:36

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/10/2022 07:30

@Mumoftwo2021 it might just be he feels awkward so clams up ?

Yes that's what I'm thinking.

Or if you're aware it's a bit awkward you might be unconsciously overcompensating when you come back and being overly chatty/asking questions when usually you don't?

DuchessDarty · 05/10/2022 08:08

@Mumoftwo2021 I’m surprised you’re getting questioned so much about whether you’re misinterpreting him or imagining it. You said you’ve spoken to him before about it and knew he felt left out. So it doesn’t sound like you’re imaging the cold treatment.

Even if he’s just being awkward, he knows from you telling before how this makes you feel.

It’s downright unreasonable for him to be cold with you for speaking to your co-parent. Particularly as the co-parent welcomes your DH’s presence. It sounds like your DH is effectively punishing you for being a good separated parent and co-parenting for the benefit of your son.

It’s sulky and controlling behaviour and my advice would be to forget now about trying to make him feel supported, and telling him he needs to support you by cutting out that crap.

BlueRibbonPen · 05/10/2022 08:49

These sort of things don’t bother me because I know there’s no love lost between DH and his ex. But I think it’s a normal reaction, how would you feel if your OH met with his exes occasionally? It’s just an unusual concept, normally you can achieve complete detachment/estrangement from exes whereas when theirs joint DC involved you can’t.

@properdoughnut has a point too - maybe he’s not really interested in the stuff to do with your DC and so comes across as cold?

aSofaNearYou · 05/10/2022 09:29

I think his feelings are normal, yes. Whether it's reasonable or not is a nuanced thing because it really just depends how far he takes it. Obviously he could be being disproportionately cold and crossing a line, but I don't think it's unreasonable for the thought of it to make him a bit grumpy.

Putting up with all that being a step parent entails accepting takes a constant toll, and I don't think it's reasonable to expect your partner to be all sunshine and rainbows about it all the time.

DuchessDarty · 05/10/2022 09:55

His feelings may be normal but his resulting behaviour as described is not. And it’s not on.
We all have uncomfortable and uncharitable feelings as step-parents from time to time, but we don’t all basically blank our spouses because they deigned to speak to their co-parent about their child.

aSofaNearYou · 05/10/2022 10:00

DuchessDarty · 05/10/2022 09:55

His feelings may be normal but his resulting behaviour as described is not. And it’s not on.
We all have uncomfortable and uncharitable feelings as step-parents from time to time, but we don’t all basically blank our spouses because they deigned to speak to their co-parent about their child.

That's why I said it depends how far he takes it, which is hard to tell from just a description. "Off with me" could be mild or severe, much easier to glean when you witness the behaviour. I think mild is reasonable.

DuchessDarty · 05/10/2022 10:08

“Off with me” is only part of the description given by the OP. She also says he barely speaks to her, is normal to the DC but will only give the OP one-word answers and is cold to her. She’s spoken to him before about it but he has continued. That says to me he’s taking it too far, because he’s continuing to persist with a pattern of behaviour that he knows hurts her.

LovelyChicken · 05/10/2022 10:12

I don't think you should be 'helping him with this'. He's an adult and you've been together for seven years. You need to have brief contact with your ex as you share DC. He needs to accept this.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/10/2022 10:22

It really could just be he's awkward doesn't know what to say and therefore says nothing, not everyone has the social skills to be able to cope in this situation.

I think it's a slight reach to call it bullying behaviour but either way you we can't definitely decide based on what's been put in the op so it maybe what might be more constructive is asking DP and having a conversation about is there anything settling him on edge.

It could be he feels threatened by your ex it also could be he feels your ex is too handsy or familiar and he's perceiving the situation differently. It's just as likely maybe your ex is very extraverted and your DP is less so and they just don't gel.

theemmadilemma · 05/10/2022 10:27

After all that time it's not on, no.

Of all the parts of being a step parent I hated, I was able to be friendly towards the Mum with no issues. To the point we still speak on FB now although I've been divorced for nearly 10 years.

DuchessDarty · 05/10/2022 10:39

I think it's a slight reach to call it bullying behaviour

Who said that @pitchforksandflamethrowers ? Do you mean me saying it’s sulky and controlling? I stand by that.

As for him not knowing what to say, clearly he knows what to say to the DC when they’ve returned with the OP from seeing the ex. So if he knows what to say to the child(ren) he should be able to manage a few friendly words to his wife.

aSofaNearYou · 05/10/2022 10:42

DuchessDarty · 05/10/2022 10:08

“Off with me” is only part of the description given by the OP. She also says he barely speaks to her, is normal to the DC but will only give the OP one-word answers and is cold to her. She’s spoken to him before about it but he has continued. That says to me he’s taking it too far, because he’s continuing to persist with a pattern of behaviour that he knows hurts her.

Not being chatty and giving one word answers is not extreme behaviour, and "being cold" is subjective. He could be genuinely being harsh with her or he might just be a bit grumpy and she doesn't like it.

His behaviour has "persisted" but the situation, which hurts him, has persisted, too. She doesn't have the automatic right to expect him to stop anything that bothers her, unless, of course, his behaviour truly is crossing a line. We can't really know from this if it does.

Hugocat1 · 05/10/2022 10:53

Hi OP many moons ago I was in a similar situation.

The worst thing you can do is to tell him that he can come to meet ups as this is giving him permission to ‘keep watch’ and if you were ever to meet up with him he will say it’s done behind his back.

You’ve done nothing wrong. This is about his control and insecurities which he is then dumping on you.

It’s not fair he is doing this as I bet there have been instances where it’s effected your relationship with your ex. Getting to a place where things are amicable with can actually be really hard and it’s unfair for him underpin all that work.

This is his issue and honestly I would distance myself from trying to ‘fix it’ and place it firmly back in his lap

eg, ‘look DP , I’m getting sick of this oppressive behaviour I receive when I see my sons dad, don’t punish me for having a good coparenting relationship with my child’s father as I am not having it any more’

RandomPenguinHouse · 05/10/2022 10:54

aSofaNearYou · 05/10/2022 10:42

Not being chatty and giving one word answers is not extreme behaviour, and "being cold" is subjective. He could be genuinely being harsh with her or he might just be a bit grumpy and she doesn't like it.

His behaviour has "persisted" but the situation, which hurts him, has persisted, too. She doesn't have the automatic right to expect him to stop anything that bothers her, unless, of course, his behaviour truly is crossing a line. We can't really know from this if it does.

Show quote history

Giving one word answers to someone repeatedly after a situation, when being more chatty with the otter people present, IS harsh.

Yes the situation has persisted. It’s not going to change. It really is quite unreasonable after YEARS to continue to be sulky, grumpy or worse when your spouse speaks to her ex regarding their child.

Im glad I’m not the only poster who gets that.
There’s an obvious bias on here by a few posters, including you, to support the step-parent no matter what.

A basic tenent of being a step-parent is accepting that your partner’s ex will still be in their lives in some way. Most of us manage not to take out our uncomfortable feelings about it on our partners. We might be grumpy now and then but doing it every time they gave contact is not on.

properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 10:59

aSofaNearYou · 05/10/2022 09:29

I think his feelings are normal, yes. Whether it's reasonable or not is a nuanced thing because it really just depends how far he takes it. Obviously he could be being disproportionately cold and crossing a line, but I don't think it's unreasonable for the thought of it to make him a bit grumpy.

Putting up with all that being a step parent entails accepting takes a constant toll, and I don't think it's reasonable to expect your partner to be all sunshine and rainbows about it all the time.

Totally agree with this post

properdoughnut · 05/10/2022 11:02

Giving one word answers to someone repeatedly after a situation, when being more chatty with the otter people present, IS harsh. could be he's not feeling chatty but feels he has to put on an act for the DC. As PP said its quite a nuanced thing and only OP is going to have a true feel for the situation. If he's being outright hostile about it then that's definitely not on.