DP funny with me about DS Dad

[Mumoftwo2021]

Not posted in a long time but I’m looking to try and understand my DP feelings and his thinking and whether it’s a normal step parent feeling or not.
Whenever I need to speak to or visit somewhere with my DS dad eg parents evening or drop off on his dads my DP is always cold with me when I get home, he is funny with me hardly speaks to me, off with me.

I haven’t been with my DS dad for 9 years, we’ve been together 7, I only speak to him as and when needed and we are amicable for my sons sake as I feel it’s the right thing.

Can anyone help me understand how he feels or anything I can do to help him with this? Xx

I take your points. I think I’m pretty relaxed. Whenever there are events where we are all together (few and far between) I’m at more ease with the ex than DH and tend to be the one to initiate pleasantries. Probably because I don’t have all that bad feeling and don’t take the verbal attacks she makes on DH from time to time personally.

My thinking on this thread was OP’s OH might be uncomfortable and his response might be tolerable if he’s just dealing with it by taking himself away for a short time. Just an idea, for OP to take away and maybe discuss. Maybe her OH will realise it’s ridiculous when confronted.

Of course you do. And here my point is proven.

Did I say any issues I might have are not MY problem? Nope, you’re jumping in with unhelpful opinions. I’m not even saying they’re not op’s Dh’s problem. We will never know what is going on for him, and that’s why op is trying to get some ideas.

I would personally like to help her with that, but posters who are calling him ridiculous etc just doesn’t help and sometimes the flaming isn’t justified or worth it

Probably because I don’t have all that bad feeling and don’t take the verbal attacks she makes on DH from time to time personally.

This is crucial. I don't think that's the case with the OP. It sounds like any discomfort you feel is because you're trying to protect your DH from a horrible situation and, I'm guessing here, because of how down/annoyed/frustrated he might be after interaction with her. Not because your'e worried he's going to fall into bed with her!

I can only pray that eventually BIL will get a partner like you. SIL DOES speak to him horribly. Obviously it's because he's a total wanker, but we've all agreed that we don't really care if he badmouths her (and us) to a new partner if it means he'll be gone from our lives!

If you think he has a problem and he should deal with it but you have insight into what his problem might be, why not just say it? Including how he might be encouraged to deal with it.

Other posters aren't sympathetic because they think he's being a big baby. Passive aggressive suggestions that you DO know the answer but won't say it, don't really help dispel that idea.

@NotLactoseFree I understand your perspective and I can respect it - it's your prerogative to feel that way and consider it a deal breaker if someone were to find it uncomfortable. But honestly I think this is something that different people just feel differently about. I don't think one is wrong and one is right. It is impossible to explain to someone who just doesn't find interaction with ex's remotely uncomfortable why you do. In my case, I do feel a degree of discomfort at the thought of my DP and his ex spending time together. It's not out of lack of trust in the slightest as DP feels nothing positive for his ex. I'm not angry at him for having dated people before me, and I wouldn't consider anger a reasonable response. It's just not nice to think about, put simply. My DP feels the same way so we are aligned in that regard, though I do often think well at least I didn't marry and have a child with any of my exes!

Others like yourself may not understand why the thought would be unpleasant to somebody, and that's fine, logically I do understand that. But personally, I do think it is common and acceptable to not like the thought of your DP with their ex. What matters is how you handle it, and if it spills over into anger that you take out on your partner. And yes, before anyone says it, I recognise that many feel her DH has crossed that line, and perhaps he has. But my point has always been that I think it's hard to tell from this description alone whether that's the case or not, because I don't think becoming a bit reclusive = crossing that line, and it's something that's easy to take more personally than it's meant. Easier to tell if you're witnessing the behaviour.

No worries OP and thanks for answering.

I’m assuming that when you spoke to him before you told him that it felt like he was punishing you? If not, you must. No matter his intention, the result if his behaviour is having a negative effect on you and he needs to modify it for that reason.

I’m perplexed why posters are focusing so much whether or not it’s right for the OP’s DP to feel “uncomfortable” about this. He has the right to feel how he does. It’s his behaviour that’s the problem. Being off and short with the OP every time she see ex or speaks to her ex for 7 years is not cool. It’s downright uncool and he needs to get a grip and snap out of it. Doesn’t mean he needs to actually stop feeling the way he does.

Op, I know you’ve mentioned that your ex is a nice guy. Are yours and DH’s opinions of your ex aligned? Is it possible that your DH may think your ex takes advantage of your good nature or something like that? Basically he feels you’re (or your DS) not treated right by your ex but you not seeing it causes resentment for your DH?

I know I’m shouting in the dark but just trying to think of possibilities

Yes. Can't really stop a feeling

This is the only thing I can think as a sp based on the limited amount of info we have that could be a possibility and Its the only thing that's kinda solvable -

God help me for saying this here but sometimes your other half can repeatedly rant to you about their ex or whatever. This venting is somewhat normal (we are all human, I'm not talking about really nasty terms here) more like "ffs myexsname has forgotten to pack y in DSC school bag and now I have to run down and do it in lunch break and it's raining" it doesn't make the child's dad a monster but it does have a impact on your partner. If the venting is repeated over and over it can build up quite a negative mindset if they are being told about all the small dramas of life.

Especially if it's repeatedly stuff like this, and as women we tend to get lumbered with the life admin when it comes to kids. I can see a partner being like like come on babe he's taking the piss. It's insidious venting it healthy but to much to frequently can turn into more

I mean realistically it's up the person on the receiving end of the venting to say hey babe love you but I cannot hear anymore about this as it's effecting my mood and my opinion of X. The venter is probably unaware of the picture they paint and it could be that DP doesn't know how to word it without sounding like a unsupportive arse (not that he's doing brilliantly currently tbh)

Just a thought.

But the OP hasn't said anything negative about her ex on here, so it doesn't seem likely that she'd be venting in that way, particularly with her children present which she makes clear they are.

The OP is upset about this and has said she finds his behaviour punishing even if that's not what he intends. She's spoken to him about it before. It's been 7 years. The time has come for her to stop trying to 'support' him and get him to support her by not treating her like when she hasn't done anything wrong.

Oh and @SandyY2K I've just seen your post, sorry I missed it before. Good to see others see the bias.

Odd for 'one' to try and tie themselves in knots rather than admit that a SP may be acting like a bit of a tool and the non-SP deserves sympathy.

FGS all these pointed comments are really immature. Almost everyone has admitted that he MAY be being a tool, at most some of us have also said that it's hard to tell from what she's said.

Nothing to do with bias, I've always said more specific examples are needed to gauge acceptability than just "they're off/cold with me" on ANY topic on this forum.

@RandomPenguinHouse but op has asked people why her DP might be acting this way or his feelings on it.

People are throwing out options in response to that. I haven't seen any person say this behaviour is a ok and to carrying on and ignore it, i have seen people suggest in circumstances his feelings might be normal (in specific circumstances they reference) I have seen people say there's not enough information to know if the behaviour is one way or another and communicate. And a awful lot of your DH is a arse (which maybe true who knows ?) and and I would leave him.

None of these opinions are wrong or right, they are just that. Opinions.

And unless op wants to leave, the most sensible advice I have seen is have a conversation with him.

*@NotLactoseFree

If you're uncomfortable with your DP and their ex going to teachers meeting together, you ARE the one with the problem. What exactly does he think is going to happen while they're discussing their DS's success in geography?!

I couldn't agree more.
They are parents. This is what happens when you're with someone who shares a child with someone else.

It's not like they're socialising...it's all about their child.

I agree with these points too.

the posts from people whose ex is included in big family events and their new partner sulks and complains because they don't like being "reminded" of the ex or whatever.

Or the women whose DP's quiz them every time they spend an extra 5 minutes at handover talking to their ex, or who meltdown because the ex came into the house to help the DC put their shoes on or whatever.

Ahem. We're just popping our head round the door to say that we've deleted a few posts that didn't seem to be doing anything but serving to derail the thread.

Can we have a bit of peace and love please and hopefully the thread can then get back on track. Thanks folks.

Oh come on @LivMumsnet you’re deleting posts that had no personal attacks in them because they’re ‘derailing’, when ‘derailing’ isn’t in your Talk Guidelines? Nothing about my last two posts broke Talk Guidelines.

Derailing is the basis of may interesting conversations.

Right?!!!

MN would not be MN without derailing. There a lot of posts on the site that technically “don’t seem to be doing anything but serving to derail”. I’ve seen a note about derailing on one or two particular boards with derisive subjects when a few posters have clearly come on to derail, but never a message like this before. Oh well

He doesn’t have to like the contact you have with your Ex but it’s the reality of co parenting the child you and your ex are the parents of. From what you’ve written, your DP is giving you “the silent treatment” and “cold shoulder” which by the way is classed as emotional abuse, because he’s getting jealous. His behaviour towards you is unfair and manipulative. He’s punishing you for something you can’t help, having contact with your child’s FATHER. He needs to GROW UP and you need to tell him that you do not appreciate him being treated like that.