DP funny with me about DS Dad

[Mumoftwo2021]

Not posted in a long time but I’m looking to try and understand my DP feelings and his thinking and whether it’s a normal step parent feeling or not.
Whenever I need to speak to or visit somewhere with my DS dad eg parents evening or drop off on his dads my DP is always cold with me when I get home, he is funny with me hardly speaks to me, off with me.

I haven’t been with my DS dad for 9 years, we’ve been together 7, I only speak to him as and when needed and we are amicable for my sons sake as I feel it’s the right thing.

Can anyone help me understand how he feels or anything I can do to help him with this? Xx

We have two children together and one child is with my ex partner x

OP I feel like his response is a bit extreme. Feeling a bit uncomfortable about something is one thing but sulking to the point that he gives one word answers every time you speak to your childs dad isn't normal at all! If he is genuinely so upset that he can't bring himself to speak you each time you talk to your sons dad then he needs to leave or get some form of counselling to come to terms with the situation.

Unless there is a huge backstory where you have cheated with your ex or something which I assume there isn't?

@Mumoftwo2021

would you describe how he responds as sulking?

Does it feel like he’s punishing you even if you don’t think that’s intention?

You sound concerned about how he feels but it’s okay to focus on your own feelings too.

Maybe he's not interested?

Oh the irony of people implying the boards a echo chamber and getting upset when other posters disagree their stance 🤔

If you mean me then you’re way off base, not upset at all, what a weird thing to say!

You sound very sensible OP. You should continue to try to have a good relationship with your sons dad, it’s so much nicer for your child. And of course your son should be able to talk about his dad and says out.

It seems like you d tried to reassure your partner and this hadn’t worked. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to you about it. If your partner is otherwise a good man, I really would encourage him to talk to someone, a therapist, about this. His feelings are always valid, he can’t help them, but there are some behaviours, like this which are unhealthy and can cause more problems as time goes on, which we should all seek to understand and change.

Good post MeetYou

@RandomPenguinHouse ^^

Sure 👍🏻 anyway op has updated now so back to the thread.

Let’s hope that’s not the case. OP has said her partner is an excellent step dad to her son if you read her posts, so it seems unlikely he wouldn’t be interested.

Maybe withdrawing for a short period is a coping mechanism for him?

what you really mean is you want him to cope in a way that doesn’t impact anyone around him.

Your posts are confusing me!

Im not sure when you say “sure” when I was correcting a typo I’d made in your name. That’s what I was apologising for

That should be the first aim when no one around him has done anything wrong, yes. But longer term, with some help, hopefully this won’t be something he has to cope with as it just won’t be an issue to him. It can’t be nice for him having an issue around this.

Also, if it’s a recognised coping method, it better to discuss this with your partner so they know, rather than have them feel bad, wondering how to deal with it, what they should do and them feeling anxious. As always, communication is key.

Absolutely, when I’m anxious I withdraw - apparently that’s a usual response to anxiety. But my DH now knows it’s not personal and is largely involuntary.

Wow, lots of apologists on here for OP DP giving her the cold shoulder when she has been around her sons father.

Its abusive behaviour drawn from jealousy.

Coping mechanism?

Jesus Christ ..

@MeetYouInTheMiddle You keep talking about communication being key as though this is all just about expressing ourselves kindly to each other and yet earlier you said this
"I’d be expecting him to stop because he’s an adult and needs to find a way to cope with this ‘persistent situation’, you know the one where the child still has his dad around and OP acts like a grown up and communicates with her child’s dad.

Big sulky baby."

Nothing about that sounds open to empathising with his feelings, or communicating positively. It is clear that you simply think the bottom line is OP is not doing anything wrong and it's positive for the child and therefore he just should not have any feelings about this. It really does not come across that any degree of misgivings, even if handled by simply withdrawing, would be acceptable to you, or that you'd be open to accepting him struggling with this at all.

@BlueRibbonPen of course not, I want him to communicate with me so if he needs space etc I am aware and can give it him.

if he doesn’t communicate his needs I cannot know what he is feeling or thinking xx

@BlueRibbonPen i am also like this, however we have spent many years working on communication because it’s so important so usually if we are wanting space etc just feeling off we will say ‘feeling a bit down, not sure why just want to be alone, but it’s nothing you’ve done’ so the other knows that it’s not being funny etc xx

So do we only acknowledge those feelings that suit our own agenda?

Your DP is behaving very very poorly. It's unacceptable imo. I would go as far as to say controlling. He's punishing you for having any dealings with the father of your child.

How dare he? He knew it was a package deal when he met you and making life easy for your child would always be lriority.

I am a stepmum (we also have a shared child) to DSC whose mother can be spiteful and nasty and I have always managed to rise above it. You've done all you can to include him and not continue an unnecessary relationship or friendship with your ex.

Personally I would be telling DP that I was sick of it. He can talk it out or not but he can knock off the sulking and punishments or he'd be out the door.

I see this as a big red flag.
My stepfather was like this and then escalated into being controlling and violent towards me as I was another man's child.
He also ripped up the only picture I had of my father.

7 years down the line if you haven’t tried to sort it, something is wrong. If this was my partner, after 7 years, not talking to me about it, not seeking external help, I would see it as him trying to punish me. And that’s sulky behaviour. OP seems to want to sort this out though, so I’ve offered my thoughts. He should get help.

As for OP, we can only go on what she says here and by that, I can’t see what she’s doing wrong. She’s keeping a good relationship with her sons father, she’s reassured her partner that the only reason she’s in touch with him is because of the child, she has confirmed she doesn’t ‘bang on’ about him, only talks about things in terms of her son.

Good luck OP.

You can be an excellent step dad and zone out when someone tells you far too much about a parents evening for not your kid.

This is a massive leap from what the op posted. There's no evidence that her partner is taking this out on the child and they've been together for 7 years