DP funny with me about DS Dad

[Mumoftwo2021]

Not posted in a long time but I’m looking to try and understand my DP feelings and his thinking and whether it’s a normal step parent feeling or not.
Whenever I need to speak to or visit somewhere with my DS dad eg parents evening or drop off on his dads my DP is always cold with me when I get home, he is funny with me hardly speaks to me, off with me.

I haven’t been with my DS dad for 9 years, we’ve been together 7, I only speak to him as and when needed and we are amicable for my sons sake as I feel it’s the right thing.

Can anyone help me understand how he feels or anything I can do to help him with this? Xx

Acknowledge? Oh you mean ‘why are you acting like a twat?’

And no - we dont have to sympathise with abusive behaviour.

I think some people on this thread are a big fan of the silent treatment .. you do know it’s abusive right?

He sounds like he needs to grow tf up

@Hugocat1 hold on Silent treat is classed as abusive as no engagement that lasts for longer than a reasonable ‘cooling down period'.

@BlueRibbonPen actually states Maybe withdrawing for a "short period" is a coping mechanism for him

Which is reasonable actually - especially if person is being emotionally flooded (which is classed as abusive) which I don't think either op or her DH are btw.

If you don't think that people are entitled to calm down and or process things on their own time (or a reasonable amount of time) speaks more to you than it does anyone else.

Unless he refuses to address this, I'd leave him. Seven years and still needing time to 'calm down' after every interaction you have with your child's parent? Now way would I put up with that.

I'd tell him to go for counselling or it's overs.

And if he insists he doesn't need counselling, I'd leave him anyway. Because then it has all been tactical.

The DP doesn’t need a cooling off period - they didn’t have an argument.

If he needs time to calm down from his own feelings and insecurities, he can do that whilst the OP is at the parent teacher meeting with her ex or whatever.

He’s had 7 years to come to terms with this and find strategies that don’t involve acting like he’s deliberately emotionally withdrawing and punishing his partner for seeing or speaking to her ex in a totally appropriate parenting context.

@RandomPenguinHouse

It doesn't have to be a argument it can just be a issue (as DP may perceive it) - I have no idea if that's the case - and since I'm not living inside his head can't say for definitive if it's reasonable (or not) neither can anyone else imo.

The devils in the detail- silent treatment for hours and house and days and days abusive. Silent for a short period of time over a argument or something that may have caused inadvertent hurt feelings - normal. And whether or not his feelings are reasonable is something I can't say but your right a councillor would help work that out.

I was simply commenting people are allowed time to process things which is what @BlueRibbonPen was saying is a possibility - as that's what op has asked for essentially - possibilities . However implying @BlueRibbonPen that she is abusive because she simply stated she needs time to process again speaks to more of you than her.

I say this as someone who actually detests the silent treatment and prefers to work things out asap but I have also come to learn that emotional bandwidth is a thing and some people need time before communicating effectively.

OPs DH could be a massive arsehat or maybe he's seen some behaviours that op doesn't know about and thinks her ex is toxic or whatever . I mean who the hell knows. She will only know if she speaks to him, clearly communication isn't great on this front or she wouldn't be asking mumsnet.

"Society says he should be okay with it". Sorry OP, that's such bollocks. He's doing a ridiculous thing where he's saying he's not okay with something and he thinks it unfair that other people think he's wrong so he's going to carry on doing it.

I am assuming from your posts that overall you have a good relationship. But I'd have lost my temper by now. Who does he think he is to have an issue with you engaging with your child's father?! What next? Does he get twitchy if you have a drink with a friend and speak to another man? Will be not talk to you for a week if you run into an ex boyfriend at the supermarket and chat for a few minutes?

However implying @BlueRibbonPen that she is abusive because she simply stated she needs time to process again speaks to more of you than her.

Hold up - that’s completely unfair
I said nothing about BlueRP or even had her wording in mind. I was OBVIOUSLY talking only about the OP’s situation.

Of course people are allowed time to process things in their own time. What you’re not getting is that the DP does have time to process it before the OP arrives back from parent teacher evening or when she saw her ex.

You’re also ignoring that the OP has made it clear several times that she has already spoken to him at least twice about this. So yes, she’s communicated with him. It sounds like he defends his feelings (fine) and his behaviour (not fine). He hasn’t changed this behaviour or sought therapy for it.

The OP is left knowing that, to put it bluntly, her DP would probably be happier if she cut off her ex completely to the detriment of her child.

@RandomPenguinHouse if that's the case I apologise for making that connection between you and pp I was wrong.

I just don't know imo I don't think there's enough info to go on what the issues is with definitiveness. Personally that would piss me off in and of it's self. I think without details it's hard to judge, as I wouldn't do this as a sp so unless there's a massive drip feed, this doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Apology accepted pitchforks

It seems clear to me from the OP’s what behaviour’s going on with the DP.

But to check, I asked @Mumoftwo2021 a couple of Qs earlier to gauge how she felt and what she meant. However although she came onto to the thread after I’d posted those Qs, she didn’t respond to me or others, only @BlueRibbonPen

What is it with you and the OP making posts on this thread revolve round BlueRibbonPen? (JOKE)

Apologies @RandomPenguinHouse I missed these.

Its not quite sulking as in child like just off with me and speaking to everyone but me and when I speak to him I get one word answers.

I do feel it’s like punishment although I’m sure that’s not his intention xx

@Mumoftwo2021 I maybe missing something (wouldn't be the first time) but what does your DP say when you speak to him about this ? Is it jealousy ? I can't quite wrap my head around it tbh.

Do you have joint children together? Any other factors that may be influencing it aka your ex being horrible in his perception to you or and the kids (obviously that doesn't excuse him being a arse but might explain it).

Also @RandomPenguinHouse lol 😂

*@RandomPenguinHouse
Im glad I’m not the only poster who gets that.
There’s an obvious bias on here by a few posters, including you, to support the step-parent no matter what.

I couldn't agree more with your post. It's a case of come hell or highwater, I'll be on the SPs side and it's so myopic. There's a poster liken this on another SP board and no matter what, she on the SMs side.

I also don't think offering for him to attend the events like parent's evening is necessary.

She's not on a date with her Ex and a pp who asked how she'd feel if he was seeing an ex of his...is just not the same. They don't share a child. It's not like the OP is meeting up with an ex who she doesn't share a child with.

It's very annoying for your spouse to behave this way when you can't do anything about it. It's coparenting.
This is why some people (usually men) lie when they need to see the ex wife, because their current partner behaves like this and they can't deal with. They rather avoid the conflict and just don't mention when they talk or need to see each other.

They follow the path of least resistance

I do feel it’s like punishment although I’m sure that’s not his intention

I think it might help if you find a moment to communicate with him your observation of his behaviour after these events and how it makes you feel.

Don't let him try and say you're imagining it...point out how he talks to everyone else but you and you notice he gives one word answers.

She's not on a date with her Ex and a pp who asked how she'd feel if he was seeing an ex of his...is just not the same. They don't share a child. It's not like the OP is meeting up with an ex who she doesn't share a child with.

I don't understand why people always say this as though it's supposed to make the partner feel better. Yes it's the reason, and yes it's all very logical, but it doesn't change the feeling for a partner who is uncomfortable about it. If anything it would surely make it worse that they ex in question is someone they shared such a meaningful connection with. If the thought of it is off putting to you, it's not going to make it feel better that they share a child.

I honestly have zero time for anyone who is "uncomfortable" with two parents spending time together in the context of their child. Frankly, I have issues with anyone who is uncomfortable with the existence of an ex in the first place. I mean sure, there should be boundaries but I'm always a bit bemused when people say things like, "Oh, I am not sure if I am going to go to that event because my ex will be there and DP will be very uncomfortable with it".

I honestly have zero time for anyone who is "uncomfortable" with two parents spending time together in the context of their child. Frankly, I have issues with anyone who is uncomfortable with the existence of an ex in the first place. I mean sure, there should be boundaries but I'm always a bit bemused when people say things like, "Oh, I am not sure if I am going to go to that event because my ex will be there and DP will be very uncomfortable with it".

Surely discomfort is fine if you own, confront and manage it. We all have little things we know, rationally we should be ok with but aren’t. That’s just being individual.

Whilst I agree that OP’s scenario is definitely something that her DP should feel comfortable about, I don’t think any interaction between exes who are parents is automatically ok. There’s some nuances in every relationship that make the boundaries of what is and what isn’t ok different.

I agree.

@BlueRibbonPen I'm not sure what you mean by "nuances" or how widely you are defining "any interaction between exes who are parents" but if two adults who are parents can't go to a bloody teacher-parent conference together without the DP of one or both of them having an issue, then yes, there's a problem.

I would argue that if you're the kind of person who is uncomfortable with such an interaction between your partner and their ex, then actually, you should really do some work on yourself. And if you absolutely cannot stop being uncomfortable, do the work to make sure it doesn't affect the way you interact with your partner.

I agreed with you on that point re parents evening, which I said in my post.

Nuance - subtle distinction or variation.

I disagreed with “I honestly have zero time for anyone who is "uncomfortable" with two parents spending time together in the context of their child.”

I think there are some times, that even in the context of their child, an incoming partner could justifiably feel uncomfortable with interaction between the exes. Personally I’d find joint birthday parties and celebrations and meals out (excluding stuff like weddings) really uncomfortable. So would my DH so we’re aligned. But some people have an expectation that they can continue to do nuclear family stuff in parallel to a new relationship.

A bit OT for this thread, I was talking more widely as I interpreted your post to.

I think there are some times, that even in the context of their child, an incoming partner could justifiably feel uncomfortable with interaction between the exes. Personally I’d find joint birthday parties and celebrations and meals out (excluding stuff like weddings) really uncomfortable. So would my DH so we’re aligned. But some people have an expectation that they can continue to do nuclear family stuff in parallel to a new relationship.

Can I ask why you find it uncomfortable? I mean, SIL and BIL are going to be doing this because BIL is a complete wanker and will be incapable of ever organising his own birthday celebration or whatever for their DC so he will always tag along. The rest of us find it extremely irritating and if SIL got a new partner and he found it irritating too I'd be sympathetic. But for me "uncomfortable" in the context of what the OP is talking about is this sense that someone might do something "wrong" if they're together.

I'm not sure if I'm expressing it well. It's like the difference between a new partner being justifiably annoyed if every time the ex demands something, he/she jumps to accommodate but that's totally different to feeling "uncomfortable" because two exes are going to be in the same room together. I can understand the former but have zero time for the latter.

There are so many narrow minded views on here. Are any of them actually helpful to the op? She’s looking for reasons why her DH may be feeling like he does and trying to u understand them, and it seeks all she’s getting are opinions on why her DH “shouldn’t” feel the way he does. It’s not helpful.

I so want to give her a bit of insight from someone who also struggles but the flaming on here simply isn’t worth it

@NotLactoseFree

It's like the difference between a new partner being justifiably annoyed if every time the ex demands something, he/she jumps to accommodate but that's totally different to feeling "uncomfortable" because two exes are going to be in the same room together. I can understand the former but have zero time for the latter.

I think we have the same rationale and thinking but we’ve just reached that point in different ways.

I don’t have any objection to my DH being in the same room together per se. But would be annoyed if the reasons for that were just to keep the peace if I knew they went against DH’s wishes. Hoping that makes sense?

DH and his ex having a meal together would be laughable, more than a decade on, they just manage to be civil to one another but there’s a lot of bad feeling and treatment - from both sides.

I understand what you're saying but I'm sorry, I stand by my comment. If you're uncomfortable with your DP and their ex going to teachers meeting together, you ARE the one with the problem. What exactly does he think is going to happen while they're discussing their DS's success in geography?!

@BlueRibbonPen yes, I get that. To a large extent. I think there's a huge difference between the "annoyance" you refer to (which I 100% think is understandable) and the "uncomfortable" that the OP was referring to. Probably where we got ourselves on opposing sides!

But I'm also tired of reading posts on here from people who are hurt because they didn't get invited to a friend's birthday/wedding etc because their ex was going to be there and the host thought it would be "easier" if only one got invited.

Similarly, the posts from people whose ex is included in big family events and their new partner sulks and complains because they don't like being "reminded" of the ex or whatever.

Or the women whose DP's quiz them every time they spend an extra 5 minutes at handover talking to their ex, or who meltdown because the ex came into the house to help the DC put their shoes on or whatever.