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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is it okay to be upset about this?

125 replies

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:01

DP has two children with his ex-partner. He sees both of them, though not on set days and times because DP works shifts but also bc they are teenagers who want to lie in bed all day, see their mates/gf's etc.

DP has just told me that as DSS has decided he would like to see DP at 1pm tomorrow (DSS called just now) rather than 2.30, DP cannot attend my birthday lunch, and I will just have to deal with this. I feel disappointed and let down. It's a big family meal, I have had to cancel his meal (pre-order), but it also means that he will be absent.

I am upset because I wanted him to be there, this isn't the first time I have had to cancel things (holidays, meals, plans) because of one of my DSS who will throw a tantrum if DP can't be there on command.

Is this just part of being a step-parent?

OP posts:
BillHadersLeftEye · 16/09/2022 14:02

No. That sounds really selfish on part of DSS. It's not as if he won't see his Dad at all

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:03

To clarify, the plans for tomorrow were for DP to meet DSS at 2.30, after the meal.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 16/09/2022 14:03

Yes, I think its OK to be upset about this. I would be too. Your DP could surely have said that he wouldn't be able to move the time forward because he would be at an event.

Is it too late to include the DSS in the meal? Or is there a reason that wouldn't be suitable?

YesitsBess · 16/09/2022 14:04

For emergencies? Sure. Occasions you don’t have plans? Maybe! Repeatedly on occasions you have had long booked plans? Absolutely not.

TrashPandas · 16/09/2022 14:04

BillHadersLeftEye · 16/09/2022 14:02

No. That sounds really selfish on part of DSS. It's not as if he won't see his Dad at all

He's a teenager. They're not known for their general selflessness and ability to see things from other perspectives.

The one at fault here is OP's husband for agreeing to it. He should of course have said he was looking forward to seeing his son but couldn't do it at 1pm.

Chamomileteaplease · 16/09/2022 14:04

What is your dp's reasoning? Because his unkind behaviour is hard to understand.😒

YesitsBess · 16/09/2022 14:05

To clarify, YADNBU

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:05

DSS is lovely, and I would have liked him there, but he won't come out-he has some social anxiety and it would be too much pressure on him to come with us.

OP posts:
No2incoming · 16/09/2022 14:05

I'm sorry that is shit OP. It's entirely your DH fault though, he should have said no he can only do 2:30 due to plans.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:07

I am really miffed with DP, he gets it in the neck from his ex but I wish he could be firmer and say no.

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 16/09/2022 14:08

Depends on the situation and why his DS needed to see him at 1:00 or the context of what was going on related to DS and the time change and the importance of their need to see each other.

If it made no difference as to whether he saw him at 1:00 or 2:30, then he should have stuck to his commitment to the birthday lunch.

Who arranged the birthday lunch? Is it a formal or casual or what is the lunch arrangement.

ednatheevilwitch · 16/09/2022 14:09

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:07

I am really miffed with DP, he gets it in the neck from his ex but I wish he could be firmer and say no.

So your 'D' P would rather upset you than his ex?

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:10

No reason to change, no actual plans apart from watching tv together as DSS doesn't like to go out really.

I am trying to be calm but really am in tears and feeling very let down.

It's a fairly formal meal in a nice restaurant, I have organised it (really just booked it and got the order together).

OP posts:
TrashPandas · 16/09/2022 14:13

Talk to your partner and tell him how you feel. Don't let him flip it around to you not caring about your stepson or any of that nonsense. You deserve better than this.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/09/2022 14:16

It's a partner problem not a DSS problem

Your SS is a selfish teen, they need direction. Your partner should be explaining to him that he'll have to find another slot. And if I were you I'd be telling your partner that this is not happening

YesitsBess · 16/09/2022 14:16

You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but you say this has happened for holidays and other plans, is there a pattern?

aSofaNearYou · 16/09/2022 14:18

YANBU, really selfish of both of them.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:21

@YesitsBess it's hard to say. Sometimes we have kept plans a secret so they can happen without a phone call from either the ex-p or DSS claiming there is an issue and DP has to go over.
DP feels guilty bc he was the one to leave the family home, his ex told him to leave and there was/is animosity between them-she will say he is a 'deadbeat dad' which has no grounds but it really, deeply upsets DP who would do anything for his children.

I am, unfortunately, often the last person to be considered and even then I feel guilty by proxy for wanting to spend time with DP. My birthday meal appears to be another casualty of this guilt complex.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 16/09/2022 14:27

TrashPandas · 16/09/2022 14:13

Talk to your partner and tell him how you feel. Don't let him flip it around to you not caring about your stepson or any of that nonsense. You deserve better than this.

I agree with this.

Unless there is a specific reason it has to be that day and time then your DH is being unreasonable.

IDontWantToBuildAFuckingSnowman · 16/09/2022 14:36

Your partner is being unreasonable and should have said no.

He's not being a shit dad for having plans already. His son will have to wait. Or he should have done anyway.

He's been a dick for agreeing.

girlmom21 · 16/09/2022 14:37

No that's massively out of order from DP. He should tell DSS that either he can be picked up at 12 or he can stick to the original plan, but either way DP will be attending your meal.

Can he not pick him up and drop him at yours prior to the meal if he wouldn't want to come?

Shiningstarr · 16/09/2022 14:43

This is something my DH would have probably done, back in the day. My step children are now 25 and 28, with children of their own, we have had similar things like this happen in the past.

DH would never like to say no to them, for fear of looking like a 'bad dad', when really he should of just grown a pair and told them no.

I think you need to have it out with the DH, does he realise how upset you are?

HeddaGarbeld · 16/09/2022 14:45

Your DP should have said no, need to stick to original time.

Is it a guilt complex though or is it just your DP wanting to see his kids and putting them first? As your DSS has an anxiety complex maybe he wants to be there for him every time because DSS may need company when particularly anxious because the boy is struggling with harmful thoughts. We had this situation.

It's letting men off the hook and devaluing their feelings for their children to say they're doing things because of guilt and fear of the big bad ex. He's an adult, he makes his choices. If he really wanted to put the meal first he would have. Harsh but true.

LadyCluck · 16/09/2022 14:47

If it was a family emergency then understandable.
YADNBU and need to have it out with him. If you let him off the hook with this, then he’ll do it again and again.

Anon778833 · 16/09/2022 14:48

If you’re upset about anything, then you can’t help that. In your situation, I would be upset too. Was it supposed to me a romantic meal? If not, could his son not just come along to it?

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