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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is it okay to be upset about this?

125 replies

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:01

DP has two children with his ex-partner. He sees both of them, though not on set days and times because DP works shifts but also bc they are teenagers who want to lie in bed all day, see their mates/gf's etc.

DP has just told me that as DSS has decided he would like to see DP at 1pm tomorrow (DSS called just now) rather than 2.30, DP cannot attend my birthday lunch, and I will just have to deal with this. I feel disappointed and let down. It's a big family meal, I have had to cancel his meal (pre-order), but it also means that he will be absent.

I am upset because I wanted him to be there, this isn't the first time I have had to cancel things (holidays, meals, plans) because of one of my DSS who will throw a tantrum if DP can't be there on command.

Is this just part of being a step-parent?

OP posts:
misskatamari · 17/09/2022 10:11

I wouldn't be marrying him either. Not a chance! You deserve so much better than being bottle of the list of priorities, of a spineless man who can't keep his word

HeddaGarbled · 17/09/2022 10:12

@HeddaGarbeld

Hey! You nicked my name!

THisbackwithavengeance · 17/09/2022 10:24

I'm normally on the side of the DSCs in MN step kids threads, but that is ridiculous.

Why can't a teenager stay at home by himself or take himself off somewhere to wait? Surely the boy can wait in a Costa for 1.5 hours with his phone and a few snacks? Or - God Forbid- even attend the meal?

Anxiety or not, pandering to him is not going to help him acquire life skills or independence.

KosherDill · 17/09/2022 10:34

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:21

@YesitsBess it's hard to say. Sometimes we have kept plans a secret so they can happen without a phone call from either the ex-p or DSS claiming there is an issue and DP has to go over.
DP feels guilty bc he was the one to leave the family home, his ex told him to leave and there was/is animosity between them-she will say he is a 'deadbeat dad' which has no grounds but it really, deeply upsets DP who would do anything for his children.

I am, unfortunately, often the last person to be considered and even then I feel guilty by proxy for wanting to spend time with DP. My birthday meal appears to be another casualty of this guilt complex.

Are you married and/or living together? How long have you been with DP?

Nekomata · 17/09/2022 10:37

I can only imagine the drama that will ensue if you get married. Is he going to skip out on the wedding because his kids want to watch TV?

YesitsBess · 17/09/2022 10:44

I’m popping along to say I hope you enjoy your birthday lunch today.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 17/09/2022 10:45

Don't marry him, it will get worse.

Ruining your bday lunch was deliberate and your partners ex and the step son knew exactly what they were doing.

BuckarooBanzai · 17/09/2022 10:51

Hope you really enjoy your lunch today!

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/09/2022 10:57

Good post by @MeridianB and I wouldn’t marry him. As they say, he’s telling you who he is and what’s important to him. It’s up to you to listen.

RinklyRomaine · 17/09/2022 11:14

OP, please give him his ring back. Don't legally sign up to be a bit part actor in your own life. Petulant? Because he is choosing to watch tv with a teen for 1.5 hours longer than arranged rather than attend the birthday lunch of the woman he is about to marry? Nope. I've been here OP, and it won't end well. When it's your joint DCS birthday and he can't go as his adult DS wants to see him? Or they don't like the date of your wedding? Or you lose a family member and he can't make the funeral? I know how it sounds but if he's doing this in the run up to the wedding, you will never matter enough.

Winter2020 · 17/09/2022 11:14

If you are newly living together and engaged I would imagine this is the best you're going to get. If he doesn't stick up for your needs or show loyalty now I can only imagine it will get worse when you are married and don't have the leverage of refusing to marry him.

I would hold off marrying him until you find out if he can be a bit less spineless otherwise lots of upset for you ahead. Do you want joint kids? Will he expect to cancel plans made with them for their bithdays for example on the whim of these kids?

Winter2020 · 17/09/2022 11:16

*should be "his" other kids as "these kids" makes them sound like randoms.

user443741922 · 17/09/2022 11:20

NoEffingWay · 17/09/2022 09:29

@aSofaNearYou you know what, him calling me petulant did light a fire under me. I tore a strip off him last night, and he looked absolutely stunned. He tried to blame it on his ex, and I very clearly told him that HE made the decision to not go for the meal, and that he will have to live with the consequences of his decision.
We live together and are getting married, but I won't put up with being made to feel as if I am unimportant in my own life.

Good for you!!!

Choconut · 17/09/2022 11:30

But what are the consequences? Do you even know? Or is it just empty threats that he will soon realise are empty threats and so won't change anything?

What you need to do is delay the wedding until you feel like you are a priority too - and not ranking below his ex. He sounds weak to me, and weak men do not make good husbands IME.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 17/09/2022 11:31

NoEffingWay · 17/09/2022 09:29

@aSofaNearYou you know what, him calling me petulant did light a fire under me. I tore a strip off him last night, and he looked absolutely stunned. He tried to blame it on his ex, and I very clearly told him that HE made the decision to not go for the meal, and that he will have to live with the consequences of his decision.
We live together and are getting married, but I won't put up with being made to feel as if I am unimportant in my own life.

'Petulant'

I'm glad you tore a strip off him, I'd have gone a step further & told him to go. I don't care where, just go.

you said to him that HE chose not to go to your birthday meal, HIM (and you're correct!)

I think you have been a bit vague with your 'you will suffer the consequences' though.

I would be telling him ( and mean it!!) that if he carries on putting his EX first (and DC WHIMS) first, you will NOT be getting married.

honestly, how DARE he ditch you for your Birthday Lunch to watch Tv with his DS earlier, for absolutely no reason, except to prevent his EX throwing a strop?

Then call you petulant?? fuck my days!

Inamess2022 · 17/09/2022 11:34

This is precisely why I asked my partner to leave. Sick of feeling second best, sick of him curtowing under the guise of “positive coparenting”, sick of feeling like an outsider in MY house. You deserve better!

Pixiedust1234 · 17/09/2022 11:45

So how often do his children or ex wife sabotage your plans? Do you deliberately hide your plans from them (which is extreme btw)?

I would not marry this man until there are proper boundries in place as you seem to be last in the queue even when theres something that should put you first. It can be soul destroying. Oh, and what would happen if you had children together? I suggest you read the many many threads here from stepmothers who have been in your position to begin with.

And now to make this post flow weirdly lol

Happy birthday, and enjoy your lunch! Flowers

caringcarer · 17/09/2022 12:08

This is your DH fault. He should learn to say no if he has pre arranged other plans with you. Tell your DH to go back and explain it won't be possible for him to change time as he is having lunch with you. YANBU but your DH is.

Changechangychange · 17/09/2022 13:14

Do you think he will a future up to the wedding ceremony? Honestly I’d have serious doubts about what he’d do if his DS decides to snap his fingers.

Changechangychange · 17/09/2022 13:15

*actually turn up

Bloody autocorrect!

HeddaGarbeld · 17/09/2022 14:34

He’s shown you who he is by immediately blaming his ex. Chances are he may do that with other circumstances and people too, ie automatically blame others for his decisions. He could even be telling his ex and children he can’t do certain things because of you.

I hope you’re having a good birthday lunch.

@HeddaGarbled ha no way! No nicking occurring, I’ve had this name since 2019/2020!

allboysmum3 · 17/09/2022 15:31

I would be annoyed about this and ask DP to tell DS he cannot move plans.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 17/09/2022 15:42

Meal is done, my family are awesome and I think they could tell something was up but looked after me and didn't ask too many questions. DP didn't come, I have a massive headache and want to go back to bed.

Luckily DS is home and is an absolute joy to be around.

Going to lay on the sofa, drink a cup of tea and watch some tv. DP is out, and I don't care about when he comes home.

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 17/09/2022 15:46

I’m glad you had a lovely lunch. And that sounds like a fine plan!

Beinggood2 · 17/09/2022 16:02

NoEffingWay · 17/09/2022 15:42

Meal is done, my family are awesome and I think they could tell something was up but looked after me and didn't ask too many questions. DP didn't come, I have a massive headache and want to go back to bed.

Luckily DS is home and is an absolute joy to be around.

Going to lay on the sofa, drink a cup of tea and watch some tv. DP is out, and I don't care about when he comes home.

@NoEffingWay

I am glad you had a nice time with your family.

At this point he didn't want to go to the meal. I think he used his DS to get out of it. I know it's awkward when your DP doesn't come to something important as that. You just go away thinking what are thinking feeling horrible.

Just enjoy rest of your day.

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