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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is it okay to be upset about this?

125 replies

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:01

DP has two children with his ex-partner. He sees both of them, though not on set days and times because DP works shifts but also bc they are teenagers who want to lie in bed all day, see their mates/gf's etc.

DP has just told me that as DSS has decided he would like to see DP at 1pm tomorrow (DSS called just now) rather than 2.30, DP cannot attend my birthday lunch, and I will just have to deal with this. I feel disappointed and let down. It's a big family meal, I have had to cancel his meal (pre-order), but it also means that he will be absent.

I am upset because I wanted him to be there, this isn't the first time I have had to cancel things (holidays, meals, plans) because of one of my DSS who will throw a tantrum if DP can't be there on command.

Is this just part of being a step-parent?

OP posts:
nachoavocado · 16/09/2022 21:23

WTF. Why is he more concerned at upsetting his ex than upsetting you?! The answer should just be sorry no I have plans I can see you at 230 or we can do it another day. This is part of parenting, teaching children that they have to commit and stick to plans unless it's an emergancy.

Catfordthefifth · 16/09/2022 21:24

Of course it's okay to be upset. Your dp is being an absolute dick!

Starseeking · 16/09/2022 21:32

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 19:30

@HeddaGarbeld a bit of both. I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt, but I'm struggling

It sounds like you've given him more than the benefit of the doubt if this isn't the first time he has done similar.

It's extremely unfair for your DP to have done this, and to be so worried that he'd upset his Ex rather than put you first one day of the year.

Having to wait an hour and a half due to a prior engagement would have been fine for his DS. Your DP dropping pre-arranged plans shows his DS that he can click his fingers any time of day and dad will come running. Not an attractive trait in a partner as he clearly has no boundaries (except when it comes to letting you down, that he's fine with).

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2022 21:35

I’d be raging. DH is a wonderful father but he’s not a mug and he doesn’t care about his ex’s opinion more than mine. I just wouldn’t put up with it.

I don’t think you should moderate your response. He’s hurt you, for absolutely no good reason, and you’re considering just letting him off the hook. Why? You won’t get a medal for martyring yourself. He’ll just keep doing it.

I don’t want to be horrible but it’s that reaction, or lack of appropriately honest reaction, that’s leading him to think he can pull this crap and you’ll go along with it. Probably because you want to seem overly kind and reasonable on comparison with his unpleasant ex. Understandable if so but it’s not going to make you happy.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 21:49

We have had words. DP fails to understand why I am so upset, and despite saying 'sorry' has also called me 'petulant'. I haven't let this one go, and have told him he can live with the consequences of his actions, whatever that means.

OP posts:
Beinggood2 · 16/09/2022 21:57

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 21:49

We have had words. DP fails to understand why I am so upset, and despite saying 'sorry' has also called me 'petulant'. I haven't let this one go, and have told him he can live with the consequences of his actions, whatever that means.

It really shouldn't be that difficult. I don't even think he actually wanted to go. If he did and cared about your birthday he would of said I can't do today but can we do this day.

For me something just not right. I will alway be sticking up for SC seeing their fathers. But this tbh is stupid really.

He still got to consider your feelings too.

Bananarama21 · 16/09/2022 22:00

Why weren't they invited to the meal?

HeddaGarbeld · 16/09/2022 22:02

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 21:49

We have had words. DP fails to understand why I am so upset, and despite saying 'sorry' has also called me 'petulant'. I haven't let this one go, and have told him he can live with the consequences of his actions, whatever that means.

I’m so sorry.

How horrible of him to call you petulant. FWIW you sound anything but.

decayingmatter · 16/09/2022 22:06

Bananarama21 · 16/09/2022 22:00

Why weren't they invited to the meal?

She's already explained

Ee12345 · 16/09/2022 22:27

You're not being 'petulant' as he has called you. And you are definitely not in the wrong for being upset. I would feel exactly the same.

I think that as step parents we accept that the children come first. But that doesn't (well shouldn't) mean we, or our feelings, should be disregarded. Important events, such as birthdays, should be honoured and we should be put first.

My partner used to always bow down to his ex (I appreciate in your situation it is his child) at a detriment to me. I tried speaking to him and he wouldn't hear it as he just saw it as 'my son has to come first'. In the end I reached the end of my tether and I was very blunt with him and said you either start putting me first for certain things or we're done.

I love my step son, and my partner is great but at the end of the day I felt that I deserved 'my day' and for my feelings to be given consideration.

Maybe try and be blunt with him and say how it feels to you.

allboysherebutme · 16/09/2022 22:46

I'd be fuming, he should have said can't make it until 2:30 have made plans around your original time, if you want to come you are welcome. If not see you at 2:30. X

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 17/09/2022 00:27

Not all blended families are like this.
They all have a element of guilt rolling around but it can be dealt with in a healthy way. Or in this case not dealt with and your always being dropped at the whim of a hat ?

It's gotten to the pattern you can't mention plans to DSC because they will pick those times to "want" DP 😵‍💫😵‍💫 and your DP knows this and still comes running.

Christ on a bike.

Not all step parents are treated like crap by their partner. He maybe a fab dad and a kind person and still be a shitty husband.

Does your DP know that he's doing damage to his kids by doing this... it's not healthy for anyone and needs to be knocked on the head sharpish.

He's a twat and I'm sorry 💐

givingitmyall1 · 17/09/2022 06:16

Unless an emergency, should have said im sorry I have plans. But i can still meet you at 2.30.

How long have you been together ?
How old is ss.

whiteroseredrose · 17/09/2022 06:24

Sorry but I would be livid and not tiptoe around. This is not 'a good partner' as he doesn't give a stuff about your feelings.

Have you actually said that you feel like you always come last? It isn't good for self esteem to not really matter.

whiteroseredrose · 17/09/2022 06:25

Actually what givingitmyall1 said.

nachoavocado · 17/09/2022 08:02

Go to your birthday meal with your head held high. If anyone asks be honest about why he isn't there. You aren't being petulant.

MzHz · 17/09/2022 08:22

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:55

Well, this is the second year in a row of the three we have been together so we are setting a precedent.

You know what? Once is fair enough, but twice? And you have had to lie about or hide info about other important dates/events because they get sabotaged by ex/his dc.

We’ve had similar. The difference is that my oh is not falling for it, not caving to it and the plans we make take precedence.

but dp puts “Us” first. It’s the only way to stop high conflict exes who are using dc as a weapon.

if your dp isn’t standing up for you, and isn’t saying to his dc “well you can come earlier if you like, but you’ll be here by yourself until we get back, or stick to the plan and I’ll pick you up on my way home.

what kind of human being does he think this kind of Disney dad upbringing is going to create? How will his dc learn that tantrums aren’t the way forward

if your dp isn’t putting you first at any time at all this early on in a relationship, it’s only going to get worse.

make yourself a priority - it’s the only way others will ever see that they need to value you.

I think you do need to really consider what value this man brings to your life, how he makes you feel on important matters and occasions.

give him the yellow card now and if he does not resolve this and find a way to be at your lunch then you will need to reevaluate your relationship with him.

are you living together? Could you move back out?

aSofaNearYou · 17/09/2022 09:18

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 21:49

We have had words. DP fails to understand why I am so upset, and despite saying 'sorry' has also called me 'petulant'. I haven't let this one go, and have told him he can live with the consequences of his actions, whatever that means.

I hope him calling you petulant has put this into perspective for you. If he was just being weak that would be one thing, but he's actually being a twat about it. There's absolutely no reason his son needs to come an hour earlier and he's indulging it anyway to your detriment, and doesn't give a shit.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 17/09/2022 09:29

@aSofaNearYou you know what, him calling me petulant did light a fire under me. I tore a strip off him last night, and he looked absolutely stunned. He tried to blame it on his ex, and I very clearly told him that HE made the decision to not go for the meal, and that he will have to live with the consequences of his decision.
We live together and are getting married, but I won't put up with being made to feel as if I am unimportant in my own life.

OP posts:
nachoavocado · 17/09/2022 09:37

NoEffingWay · 17/09/2022 09:29

@aSofaNearYou you know what, him calling me petulant did light a fire under me. I tore a strip off him last night, and he looked absolutely stunned. He tried to blame it on his ex, and I very clearly told him that HE made the decision to not go for the meal, and that he will have to live with the consequences of his decision.
We live together and are getting married, but I won't put up with being made to feel as if I am unimportant in my own life.

Yes this is his fault. He doesn't have to do what ever his ex says.

Johnnysgirl · 17/09/2022 09:39

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:01

DP has two children with his ex-partner. He sees both of them, though not on set days and times because DP works shifts but also bc they are teenagers who want to lie in bed all day, see their mates/gf's etc.

DP has just told me that as DSS has decided he would like to see DP at 1pm tomorrow (DSS called just now) rather than 2.30, DP cannot attend my birthday lunch, and I will just have to deal with this. I feel disappointed and let down. It's a big family meal, I have had to cancel his meal (pre-order), but it also means that he will be absent.

I am upset because I wanted him to be there, this isn't the first time I have had to cancel things (holidays, meals, plans) because of one of my DSS who will throw a tantrum if DP can't be there on command.

Is this just part of being a step-parent?

That's outrageous! Does he always indulge his kid's every whim?

MeridianB · 17/09/2022 09:46

Just caught up with your updates and comments from others.

I’m confused about why his ex requires pacifying if the DSC are teens. Usually that’s when the contact between exes can reduce and children make arrangements direct with NRP as things become more flexible. Is this not the case for your DP? What does the ex threaten DP with if he doesn’t drop everything to see his DC?

But that’s academic, really, as your updates about him refusing to backtrack, doing this last year and now calling you names, makes me think you deserve better and it’s time to consider how happy he makes you generally - and how many years of this nonsense you can stomach. 🌺

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 17/09/2022 09:55

DP is good partner, caring and kind

This brings to mind the quote "True friendship is not about only being there when its convenient, it is about being there when its not."

Unicorn2022 · 17/09/2022 09:58

Are you sure he's not using DSS as an excuse because he doesn't actually want to go to your birthday lunch? They could have hatched the plan to meet at an earlier time between them.

Don't put up with being treated like this - if it was me I would tell him he was coming to my birthday lunch as arranged or I would be rethinking the entire relationship.

ICanHideButICantRun · 17/09/2022 10:02

I wouldn't marry him. You deserve to have a stronger man, one who can deal with his own child, doesn't cave in to whatever unreasonable demands are made of him by his ex, and put you first for occasions like your own birthday.

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