Is it okay to be upset about this?

[NoEffingWay]

DP has two children with his ex-partner. He sees both of them, though not on set days and times because DP works shifts but also bc they are teenagers who want to lie in bed all day, see their mates/gf's etc.

DP has just told me that as DSS has decided he would like to see DP at 1pm tomorrow (DSS called just now) rather than 2.30, DP cannot attend my birthday lunch, and I will just have to deal with this. I feel disappointed and let down. It's a big family meal, I have had to cancel his meal (pre-order), but it also means that he will be absent.

I am upset because I wanted him to be there, this isn't the first time I have had to cancel things (holidays, meals, plans) because of one of my DSS who will throw a tantrum if DP can't be there on command.

Is this just part of being a step-parent?

Great to hear you had a lovely time with family. Enjoy hogging the sofa and Tv for as long as you want!

We had this kind of crap for years. Even when they were teenagers as ex wife would tell the kids 'your dad puts eighteenmonths before you ALL THE TIME. if he can't do this one thing (in fact not one but more than 20 'things' over the years.) then you are allowing him to mark you as second best' 'If you Let him have things his way then go and see him but don't bother coming back' .. obviously not exact words but DSC gave us this gist.

The type of 'one thing' she would do ;

Demand he come and fetch the kids on a non contact day when I was going into hospital for a major life changing operation. So he couldn't come too.

Every birthday weekend without kids due, she obviously knew we would be having dinner/going away or doing something special. Every time there would be an emergency as to why he needed to have the kids.

The straw that broke the camels back was our wedding. We had already had shenanigans about getting the girls dresses. This time they were always 'to unwell to come over' or 'too much school work' - Ended up not telling the kids anything. Even kept the wedding date from them and literally told them on the morning when they were already with us.. and yes , she was furious and immediately had a 'emergency' where she had to go and look after her mother . Telling DH that he had to keep the kids for the week.
It was then that I told him if he didn't grow a bloody spine and sort the issue out, I would apply for an annulment. If he put her demands before our honeymoon then we were done.

He wobbled a bit but decided to ask his parents - bless them - who agreed to stay for the week and look after the kids and I got him to agree that there would be no more discussion with her about contact. It's all done directly with the kids now and if we have plans that can't easily be changed, he says NO !

You need to get tougher OP. I would put money on the ex knowing it was your birthday and deliberately fucking it up for you in the way she knows how.

Glad you have supportive family around you.

Update-have had a very long and painful chat with DP. I have let him know in no uncertain terms that if he ever pulls anything like this again, we are no more.

He is a bit taken aback but has absolutely promised to remember it is 'me and him' NOT 'me and the ex', and by prioritising the opinions of his ex he has diminished our relationship.

I have fallen short of giving back my engagement ring, but have told him of we can't plan a lunch without her involvement, how can we plan a wedding? He had got so caught up in feeling guilty he had seemingly forgotten how his decision might impact on me.

I’d be very cautious about marrying this man if his DC and exDP sabotage a birthday then I can only imagine the heartache and pain the may occur from your wedding day.

Well done on standing your ground with DP hope he takes a good long look at himself and realises he is pandering to his kids bad behaviour

I agree. Unless there is some pressing reason to be married (and I can't think of what that would be) I'd give it a LOT longer before comitting to him for life. Is there a reason you just can't maintain status quo indefinitely?

Well done, OP. Do you think he truly understood? Did he explain why he feels he has to do these things?

@NoEffingWay

At the end of the day this is your relationship and don't feel pushed into ending it or not marrying him.You had the talk with him and told him straight. I really hope he taken you seriously and realizes his mistake.

I hope he feels bad for missing the meal.

Just see how things go moving forward and if he considers you with plans you make.

Then you know he doesn't care how you feel.
I hope it all gets better for now.. good luck

So he couldn’t make your birthday meal due to his son wanting to see him earlier, but he can go out in the evening leaving his son in your care?

out of 365 days he couldn’t even make you feel important for one of them, to celebrate your birthday with family, that is not a good partner. I’d be reconsidering my worth in this relationship.

Really glad you had your day.
Now he should really plan something to make up for it!! 🤞🏼 (or would he need Ex's help with that.. too soon to joke 🤣)

Don't be pressured into giving up the relationship just because of these comments, You will know if it's the final straw. He will either learn from this or it will happen again. You'll know when it's time!

Say**

Glad you had a good birthday meal.

Is DP planning something to make up for it?

Sounds like ex is a manipulator and DSS is getting stuck in the middle - not uncommon.

What happened was appalling on DPs part, and not helpful for DSS to grow up thinking he comes above everything else.

I hope you are ok 💐

I hope he does buck up. Remember that words mean nothing. Actions mean EVERYTHING.

So you had a long and painful chat which gave him plenty of time to revert to the original plan and attend your birthday meal but he still didn't go, even though he knew how upset you were?

He did not want to attend your birthday meal and used his DS as an excuse. Do not marry this man or you will have a lifetime of this behaviour.

It’s so sad reading this, I feel like I could have written it myself!

I was in the same position as you, but still went ahead and planned our wedding because of all of the promises that things would be different. They weren’t. I love DH so I kept telling myself it would get better. It didn’t. Literally from the wedding day, SD behaviour was terrible (and her mum contacting her constantly throughout the day), and it’s got worse as time has gone on. DH doesn’t actively deal with the situations, it causes conflict, he eventually “addresses it” in a fumbled way but then doesn’t follow through on things so no lessons learned by SD.
Now we are at a point where we will likely divorce after a short marriage.
Like you OP, I have a DC of my own. It is not fair that they are always surrounded by conflict and the impacts of a step child being put first, second and last.
As parents ourselves we understand the needs of children and that more often than not they have to be the priority. But when it comes to the point that the child is the priority even when it’s something minor (in your case SS wanting to come an hour earlier, meaning your DP missed your birthday meal), you will be forever feeling hurt and rejected and eventually angry - then you’re the bad guy.
My DH currently isn’t here because I have had enough. He says he wants to sort things out but he won’t face up to the problems and I can’t bare to go back to how things were. I need some calm for myself and most importantly my DC.
Please do push for your DP to change things now before you plan your wedding, postpone if need be, and if those changes don’t happen then either walk away or understand and accept that this will be your life forever x

@Thelifeofawife I think I have read your post about 5 times. It's been hideous at times since we got together. DPS youngest child won't come to ours so he has to go to his ex's house to see him, so she knows his rota as it's arranged in advance and then she uses that information to her own advantage.

I am always on the back foot, but have tried to swallow a lot of the upset this has caused because otherwise DP wouldn't see his son and that would be unbearable. I haven't had the opportunity to build a relationship with DSS and am dreading how he will behave on our wedding day.

I love DP and have stood by him through thick and thin, but this has revealed some home truths to me. He has also had some revelations about how his actions affect me, as I have previously got upset but not really told him, because I thought he had enough to deal with, without me adding to the stress.

I am hopeful that this will be a catalyst for change but am also a realist and accept that this may not be the case, at which point I will reevaluate my life. My DS's happiness is of paramount importance and I refuse to put him through the trauma of an unhappy relationship again.

@NoEffingWay I have been like you, constantly trying to be supportive and pussyfooting around trying not to add to the situation or look the bad guy, but it doesn’t help honesty, it just builds frustration and eventually you explode.

The fact you don’t spend time with your DP’s youngest child is also a good reason to put wedding plans on hold. You need to start spending time together as a family and see how that goes - because if you wait until you’re married it will be a nightmare if problems arise from it. Also the child will naturally feel strange about your wedding day (no doubt with mum in their ear too) and there will be dramas.
Your DP doesn’t need to have his child at their mums house so this needs putting a stop to ASAP. He can take his child out for a few hours, to the park, for lunch/tea, to a play area, to visit family - away from mums house basically as this is causing a divide in you all being a family. It may be best for him to do this without you the first couple of times then introduce you into the plans going forward so you can start to build a bit of a relationship with them before the wedding.
If the ex is causing problems already she will be using this as an excuse to keep your DP around, but it’s absolutely not necessary and it does need to stop.

I don’t say any of this lightly as I know how hard it can be and that you won’t want conflict with your DP, but this kind of conflict is for the greater good, verses the conflict of 20 years of drama if things carry on like this.

I love my DH and it’s rubbish that we are in this situation. We want to be together but he can’t seem to snap out of his trance and I am tired of feeling let down all the time and like a rubbish mum to my DC as a result of it all

💐💐💐
sending you loads of love xxx

Thank you @stepmumspacepodcast 😌xx

Your post was moving, @Thelifeofawife. I’m sorry things have been so tough.

@NoEffingWay do you mean DP’s ex uses his work rota (which he shares to arrange contact) to find ways to be cause problems? Does she have to arrange contact or be there? Could DP not do that arrange it direct with DSS?

Did DP see DSS at the ex’s house before you lived together? Just trying to understand the dynamics and the chances of this getting better.

@Thelifeofawife thank you so so much for being so open with me. I can feel your pain through your words

@MeridianB yes, he has always seen DSS at his ex's house. DSS has a lovely bedroom here and has been over and stayed a few times but will usually text his Mum and ask her to take him home which she will do, and arrive at ours unannounced. I have, on occasion, looked after DSS alone and we get along well.

He's a lovely lad who is sweet, kind and thoughtful. He also has never heard the word 'no' and can't get off his bottom unless there's something in it for him!

DP will arrange contact with DSS, but will also let his ex-p know plans, she will take DSS out somewhere if DP arranges it directly, and will phone DP to tell him that he is a useless human being which wreaks emotional havoc on DP.

We try to be sensible and reasonable at all times whilst she shouts the odds. Nearly three years of dealing with her is enough to test my patience, I tell you!

Oh wow. Sounds exhausting. How old is DSS? Has he had a medical assessment around his anxiety issues?

DP should consider going to court to remove the abuse of power.

@Thelifeofawife all I'm gonna say is - you deserve a medal tbh @NoEffingWay you both bloody do.

I'm so so so sorry. Honestly as a Dm (as well as a sp) these threads act as a reminder of what never to do. Not that I can even imagine a situation where I would use my child in this manner.

I have simply no bloody advice but 💐 support thread is bandying around somewhere if ever you both need place to chat/vent ect

^ echo what pitchfork said! X