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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is it okay to be upset about this?

125 replies

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:01

DP has two children with his ex-partner. He sees both of them, though not on set days and times because DP works shifts but also bc they are teenagers who want to lie in bed all day, see their mates/gf's etc.

DP has just told me that as DSS has decided he would like to see DP at 1pm tomorrow (DSS called just now) rather than 2.30, DP cannot attend my birthday lunch, and I will just have to deal with this. I feel disappointed and let down. It's a big family meal, I have had to cancel his meal (pre-order), but it also means that he will be absent.

I am upset because I wanted him to be there, this isn't the first time I have had to cancel things (holidays, meals, plans) because of one of my DSS who will throw a tantrum if DP can't be there on command.

Is this just part of being a step-parent?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 16/09/2022 14:49

I'd say in life there have to be priorities. Normally you're happy that ss is a priority but tomorrow is my birthday, and unless ss is in hospital I should be priority that day. And that you're sure ss is old enough to understand that.

HotDogKetchup · 16/09/2022 14:50

You’re never going to be able to plan anything with your DP. You’re never going to take priority. This wasn’t an emergency or important event. I wouldn’t be happy if my DH behaved this way with our joint children.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:50

I do know now that he will not backtrack and say he will come to the meal bc the backlash from DSS and his ex will be too great.

I do also agree that DP does want to spend time with his children, and he has made a decision rightly or wrongly which means I am without him on what feels like a significant event.

I was so looking forward to tomorrow and now it feels like a damp squib.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:53

Sorry to drip feed, but my actual birthday was earlier on in the week, but y'know work, life, kids etc get in the way so this is the first opportunity for a meal to celebrate with a group of us.

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 16/09/2022 14:54

Happy birthday!

To be blunt: how many more of them do you want to be spent like this?

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:55

Well, this is the second year in a row of the three we have been together so we are setting a precedent.

OP posts:
HotDogKetchup · 16/09/2022 14:55

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:53

Sorry to drip feed, but my actual birthday was earlier on in the week, but y'know work, life, kids etc get in the way so this is the first opportunity for a meal to celebrate with a group of us.

That’s not the point - the point is it was an important event to you and your DH agreed to be there.

Does he behave like this in other areas of life? Work, socially.

If a friend did this to me I’d be really annoyed. If my DH did I’d be really hurt.

HeddaGarbeld · 16/09/2022 14:56

I would dump with any man who was saying they won't do something reasonable because the backlash from his ex would be too great. What a lily-livered nobber.

He's got you right where he wants you hasn't he, blaming the ex and even the child.

He said yes to something even though it conflicts with his plan with you. That wasn't the ex wife or his son.

YesitsBess · 16/09/2022 15:00

That must feel horrid and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I think maybe a present to yourself could be thinking about a future where your needs are important?

RedWingBoots · 16/09/2022 15:26

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 14:55

Well, this is the second year in a row of the three we have been together so we are setting a precedent.

Talk to your DP as PPs have said.

If he turns it around and gaslights you e.g. starts talking about you not liking his son, starts saying his ex will cause trouble, then it is time for you to call it quits on this relationship.

This guy will never give the right direction to his children by making it clear he is a person as well with his own needs, which means putting you first on some occasions, as he is too busy feeling guilty and wanted to be needed by his children and ex.

If you search this board there are threads from step-parents - mainly women - who have put up with this shit for years. It actually gets worse when the children are older and have their own children.

Lilithslove · 16/09/2022 15:35

I would be upset about this too. It's only a couple of hours why can't DSS just wait?

PrincessofWales · 16/09/2022 15:45

I think your comment about the step parent being the last to be considered is absolutely spot on unfortunately. Your DSS is being selfish and your DH spineless. I don't know what the answer is as I never found it.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 16:48

@PrincessofWales dare I ask, what happened in the end?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbeld · 16/09/2022 16:56

PrincessofWales · 16/09/2022 15:45

I think your comment about the step parent being the last to be considered is absolutely spot on unfortunately. Your DSS is being selfish and your DH spineless. I don't know what the answer is as I never found it.

The OP said SHE was often the last to be considered, not that a step parent is.

Sone step parents find themselves being considered last, yes. There’s also loads of families where the step parent is the first to be considered by their partner, to the detriment of that partner’s children.

The OP’s partner has been a dick here. I’m sorry if your partner has been too.

Starseeking · 16/09/2022 17:20

Either your DSS or his DM is trying (and it looks like successfully) to spoil your birthday lunch.

Unless your DSS is going into potentially life-threatening surgery at 1.05pm, there is absolutely no need for your DP to have agreed to this.

Your DP should have reassured his DS that he is looking forward to seeing him tomorrow, but the earliest he can do is 2.30pm, as agreed.

The more the rest of the family pushes you at the bottom of the list, the more downtrodden you will feel. If this is a pattern for your DP, you need to sit down and explain that it's not on. The fact that you have to tell your DP what the issue is would put me off him if I was you. Your DP should have known it was not an acceptable thing to agree to.

YABU to be upset, you should be furious that you have been binned off on a whim by your DP.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 19:02

I am going to have to sleep on this one, DP is good partner, caring and kind. He has dropped the ball on this one, but I am going to try and stay calm and moderate my response. Inside, I am sad and disappointed in him.

I cannot comprehend a situation where I would even need to have this conversation with my ex who I share custody of our son with. Point scoring is not how we work, because our son is the priority.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbeld · 16/09/2022 19:28

You said he’s done this regarding your birthday 2 years in a row out of the 3 times you’ve been together, and done it on other occasions. Being blunt, is that dropping the ball… or not picking it up in the first place?

HeddaGarbeld · 16/09/2022 19:28

3 years not times!

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 19:30

@HeddaGarbeld a bit of both. I am trying to give the benefit of the doubt, but I'm struggling

OP posts:
YesitsBess · 16/09/2022 19:33

It comes down to: is this what you want?

You can understand why he is doing this without agreeing with it. I could be with the best man in the World, but if he shat the bed every night, I would have to walk away because for me personally that would be too much to endure. Regardless of why he was shitting the bed.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 16/09/2022 19:56

He doesn’t deserve you. Don’t go on being second priority in your own life.

Beinggood2 · 16/09/2022 20:03

It's your DP that's the problem here. If he really wanted to be there at your meal he would of said sorry I have to go here my meal was pre-ordered I can't cancel.

He could see him after or have arranged another time maybe the next day.

How long he going to be feeling for and at hurting you.

He does need to see his DS's but a time that doesn't always interfere with your plans. Or they join you whatever your doing.

Maybe he might used him as excuse not to go.

Beinggood2 · 16/09/2022 20:04

Sorry I meant how long he going to feel guilty and putting your feelings last

PrincessofWales · 16/09/2022 20:37

NoEffingWay · 16/09/2022 16:48

@PrincessofWales dare I ask, what happened in the end?

We limped along until I refused to be the after thought anymore.

Inamess2022 · 16/09/2022 21:19

Princess of Wales same here 😞Life is too short to feel second best or last on the list of priorities

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