Different rules in different houses - impact on my kids?

[blendedmama]

I will cut a long story short here. My DP has a DD4 from previous relationship. Both DSD and ex are autistic and DSD also has learning difficulties.
My DP and I have DS1 together and another on the way. The ex allows DSD to do pretty much what she wants - chocolate for dinner, ipad 24/7, whatever she wants she gets basically. She is non-verbal and still in nappies (mostly down to the fact neither parent has really attempted to potty train her).
Obviously we have different rules in our house. But my DP says he feels he is constantly battling with DSD and it is causing frequent meltdowns. He feels guilty because he only sees her 2 overnights a week and wants to enjoy his time with her. While I understand this I also feel we need to follow some rules as an example to our own children. Some things will always be different for DSD with her autism but I feel there needs to be some basic ground rules for everyone to adhere to. Am I ridiculous for not allowing a child to have chocolate for dinner in my house??
Problem being - I’m the only one that seems to enforce them and slowly and feeling more like the wicked stepmum when at the core I have nothing but good intentions. I’m tired of feeling like I parent DSD more than her actual parents and if they don’t want to provide her with some structure then why should I - it’s exhausting and I get no thanks for it. I would like to disengage from the situation as it is really causing me stress and anxiety but I worry about my children growing up and the impact on them. Will they see it as double standards? Why is mum setting rules for us and their sister can do what she wants? This is a real worry for me. Any words of wisdom or advice on how to proceed would be appreciated.

YANBU. Does your DP really think it's ok for his DD to have chocolate for dinner and the iPad 24/7? If so, you have a DP problem.

Either you go the it isn't on route (which I take) and tough mum has different rules in her house.

Or you go the let it go and explain to your child that dad let's DSD do things they can't because they have a different mum.

Which would he prefer..

@chillipenguin you nailed it.

These are literally the only options tbh.

The key issue here is your step-daughter is autistic with learning difficulties and is non-verbal. Of course she is going to be parented differently, she needs to be. I have an autistic child although high functioning. So while most rules are the same for her and her brother (as they were also for DSD when she was younger and living at home with us), we are more “lax” with her on certain things. That’s on professional advice. Her younger brother understands this.

That doesn’t mean chocolate for dinner, not just chocolate, no. But you have a very clear reason for telling your DC why there are different rules for your SDD - she’s disabled. They’ll see it at school, an autistic child in their class getting to play more then the rest of the class.

You have to centre her autism.

It's fine to have different rules in different houses. But, I don't think the normal rules apply here.
You can't parent autistic children in the same way as NT children though. You do have to do things differently. You have to do what suits that child best.

i have different rules for my autistic and non autistic children. Developmentally this child is not 4 but more like 1. They will have sensory needs around food, noise etc. parenting a non verbal autistic child is utterly exhausting so I suspect you are being harsh on her mum here. It’s totally normal for autistic 4 year olds not to be toilet trained. Their development is delayed and disordered. Have the child for a full week and try out your typical parenting ideas - I suspect they won’t work as easily as you think. And the mum will get a proper break. Your children will quickly overtake this child’s development and they will understand their sibling is disabled and needs different rules. They will not envy her life they will feel lucky they don’t have her challenges. My other children are more self reliant, kind and empathetic from the experience of having a disabled sibling. I’ve always been so grateful my autistic child is my youngest so my parenting has never been blamed for why they were in nappies at 4, go on iPad so much and eat a restricted diet.

Thanks for your reply but I can assure you I am
not being harsh. She did not attempt to even begin toilet training until her 4th birthday. While she is non-verbal she has a very good understanding of commands and what you ask her to do. After she was assessed and diagnosed the professionals explained the best thing for caregivers to do is to encourage her to be independent. Which in my opinion neither of them are doing. With a little help she’s capable of dressing herself, taking her own nappy off to be changed, tidying up after herself and putting rubbish in the bin. All things she does with me. After her diagnosis her mum bought a disabled pram for her and now pushes her everywhere in it and the child rarely walks. I am baffled by this?? I don’t see that as encouraging her to be independant at all - the opposite in fact. I’ve spent 3 years with her and read a lot of articles and forums on autism. I have educated myself as well as I can to help her and help myself understand. But I do believe she needs positive reinforcement and encouragement to help her development, as any child does.

I do feel a little sorry for your DSD that her dad has now gone into have 2 other children very close together when she clearly still needs a lot of help and more so than most.

Wether you guys like it or not she is going to become more of a ' problem ' for your new blended family a part of the family itself. This is no slight or judgement on you and of course you want your kids brought up you're way.

Your DP needs To step up massively if this is all going to work out you can support lots but the work is down to him now

DSD is at yours 2 nights a fortnight?
I think you need to cut the mother some slack tbh.

Parenting an autistic child as a couple is hard enough, doing it alone is bloody heroic.
So what if the child still goes out in a buggy?

Reading articles on autism in no way gives lived experience of autism. No two children are alike.

If you’re going to critique parenting how about your dp spends more time with her? 2 nights a fortnight is barely any parental contact to expect the child to adapt to different rules for a couple of days.

I’ve noticed that those who are critical of how autistic children are raised are nearly always those who don’t have autistic children.

Funny that.

Shes only 4, you already have a child together and another on the way you've got together very quickly and moved at a fast rate. Children with autism often struggle with big changes she's had 3 massive ones in quick succession. Have you thought about going on an autism awareness course for both you and might give you an insight to have you parent especially as she is non verbal she clearly has development delays. My son has asd I parent him a different way to the others and recognise any triggers to avoid and limit any meltdowns he might have.

You would have a difference even if they were all your shared DC because of the autism. DS is (diagnosed!) high functioning but at 9 there are things we let him do that DS2 isn’t allowed to do at 6 (sitting in DH’s lap at a restaurant if he’s becoming overwhelmed by the ambient noise, for example). DS2 is beginning to notice and be grumpy about it so we’re navigating that.

This is your DH's problem. Why are you the one doing all of the work?

You can’t change what her mother does but you are right to expect more of DH. He should be the one plugging into everything he can about the best way to raise his daughter. I’d be encouraging him to have her more if that works for her.

At the moment, he’s being a Disney Dad and it’s not in her best interests.

You have a lot on your plate so it would be understandable if you stepped right back and encouraged DH to step up. His approach sounds really limp, based on what you’ve described.

Agree with this!!

I have done a mixture of both depending on what it is to be honest…

a lot of the guests on my podcast talk about this topic!

I’d pull right back. You’ve got plenty on your own plate and the parents aren’t interested in your approach so you’re pushing water up hill. I sympathise completely with your intentions and wish to help and support DSD but your influence is so limited I’d stop trying. She’s got a mum and a dad, they’re doing their thing and you’re not going to be thanked for what they probably see as interfering.

You’ve had children with a man whose parenting you don’t respect which will cause inevitable upset, inconsistency, compromise. But you’re there now so you’ll have to explain to your own children that you make the rules in your house and they’re there for their best interests.

Does your partner let your shared child eat chocolate for breakfast? Be on screens 24/7? Hopefully not but I’d focus on getting on the same page as each other in rules for the shared DC and leave DSD to mum and dad and mentally offload the battle. You will not win. Stop trying.

Excuse me? It sounds like you’re implying that my own children will make DSD life more difficult - I’m actually appalled by your comment. I’m 30 years old and not about to put my life on hold and not have children because my partner has a child from a previous partner. And as for the other comments, I have suggested we go on autism courses - it’s never happened. We have her 2 nights per week and I have suggested to my DH that we take her for longer periods of time - her mum does not want this. I have raised this child virtually as my own and tried in every possible way to support her and as I said in my original post - I understand autistic children do have different parenting needs.
I was looking for advice on how to proceed with everyone’s best interests at heart but it feels typical that the stepmum is painted as the bad guy. Many people say parenting a child on the spectrum is difficult, have you ever stopped to think about how difficult it is to parent a child on the spectrum who isn’t even yours. Step parenting alone is difficult nevermind a child with additional needs. I’m doing the very best I can.

It seems that you don't respect your H's parenting at all, which begs the question, why have you had more children with him.

I have autistic and non autistic children and have parented them differently and they have had different rules. They are older now, and there's no resentment from the NT children - they understand and it's fine.

I would agree that chocolate at dinner is a no no, even if you have to give your dsd different food because of sensory/chewing issues. But if your H isn't on board with that, there's little you can do.

Oh, and people are pissed because this child has ASD, not because you’re a step mother.

Certainly not trying to parent the autism out of her. Just trying to be a parent and give her some structure.

So you have no kids with this guy? Only Dsd that’s in your life?

RUN! The life you will lead will be an absolute misery if you stay in this pair of useless parents lives

seriously, no man is worth the life yours will become if you saddle yourself with his kids, him ans his ex for the rest of your life