Different rules in different houses - impact on my kids?

[blendedmama]

I will cut a long story short here. My DP has a DD4 from previous relationship. Both DSD and ex are autistic and DSD also has learning difficulties.
My DP and I have DS1 together and another on the way. The ex allows DSD to do pretty much what she wants - chocolate for dinner, ipad 24/7, whatever she wants she gets basically. She is non-verbal and still in nappies (mostly down to the fact neither parent has really attempted to potty train her).
Obviously we have different rules in our house. But my DP says he feels he is constantly battling with DSD and it is causing frequent meltdowns. He feels guilty because he only sees her 2 overnights a week and wants to enjoy his time with her. While I understand this I also feel we need to follow some rules as an example to our own children. Some things will always be different for DSD with her autism but I feel there needs to be some basic ground rules for everyone to adhere to. Am I ridiculous for not allowing a child to have chocolate for dinner in my house??
Problem being - I’m the only one that seems to enforce them and slowly and feeling more like the wicked stepmum when at the core I have nothing but good intentions. I’m tired of feeling like I parent DSD more than her actual parents and if they don’t want to provide her with some structure then why should I - it’s exhausting and I get no thanks for it. I would like to disengage from the situation as it is really causing me stress and anxiety but I worry about my children growing up and the impact on them. Will they see it as double standards? Why is mum setting rules for us and their sister can do what she wants? This is a real worry for me. Any words of wisdom or advice on how to proceed would be appreciated.

I don't think your being selfish, I think you had a bit of a hard time on here tbh.

If you haven't had any experience with kids with autism it can feel like a landmine, many of us (well I can only speak to me tbh) it was a steep learning curve and I'm 100% I ballsed several things up at the start.

I think the general consensus is that you need to take a step back with DSD and lead on what happens with your child. Explain that DSDs mum does things a little differently and there are some fab books on autism to help a child understand why their step sibling needs a little more wiggle room.

You wouldn't be asking for help if you were a awful step parent 💐

@blendedmama Read this, it's the SMs sardonic guide to your new life....

www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4604038-ok-ok-wheres-the-magic-rule-book-then

Hi OP,

I am in a very similar situation to yourself and have found myself having similar thoughts and issues to you. No words of wisdom, I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone

OP I can totally relate. we had similar issues when our children were younger.
My DSS is autistic, so is my DS so I have experience of parenting and step parenting autistic children.
My DSC have never been given many boundaries at home, they were allowed to stay up until very late, they weren't encouraged to clean their teeth or wash, they just ate snacks rather than meals, I'd go as far to say they were pretty neglected. They're now teenagers so they're pretty self sufficient, still not ideal but they're ok.
We had so many issues for years over the different boundaries, or the lack of them, and then the impact it had on my children. Bedtime was the main problem and just general behaviour, swearing etc.
DH often wouldn't deal with things as well as he should have because he was scared of upsetting DSC and them not wanting to come anymore (his ex was prone to stopping contact over the smallest of things).

After 13 years of step parenting my advice would be to pick your battles. Decide which boundaries are most important to you and push those, get DH on side with you, and let the other things go. Especially with autism being thrown in to the mix, it's even more important to pick your battles because if you fight them all you'll be drained.
Most kids are good at learning different rules/routines in different settings - eg most children know they have to behave a certain way at school, it's not too late to gradually put in place certain rules / boundaries. You could also try visual timetables and/or social stories to help her know what's expected.

I did wonder if the chocolate for dinner is due to issues around food? A lot of autistic children end up eating unhealthy food because it's all they will eat and parents would rather they eat chocolate/crisps/biscuits than starve.

most importantly though - Your DP needs to support any changes 100%, DSD needs to see you as a team or else it won't work.

If your DP isn't supportive then seriously consider leaving, in all honesty part of me wishes I'd left at the beginning. I kept telling myself things will get better, they did eventually but it took about 12 years, a lot of arguments between me and DH, a lot of heartache, his ex has been awful to me. Life probably would have been a lot easier if I'd walked.

It is not good to give chocolate at dinnertime . All kids will be hyperactive.

You have an easy solution: Don't buy chocolate, or just give choc in the early afternoon.

"A non verbal, nappy wearing quiet blob?" That's disgusting @EvieJeanBengal given you're talking about an autistic child. I'm reporting.

It's so easy to tell who has actually raised autistic DC or (SC if living with them most of the time from a young age). And who has read things or has a non-residential autistic step-child and think they have enough authority to make proclamations without any long-term, hands-on experience.

I've seen it said a few times on the step-parenting board by several posters (or the same one with a name change) that autistic/ND diverse "need early intervention". Makes me laugh. Sounds great in theory. I'd love to have it explained to me by you Evie or any other such poster what that looks like in practice and how the NHS provides that.

@DuchessDarty I don't often agree with you. But on this comment I have to say I agree.

That's not a way to speak of a child, let alone a non NT one.

Although I do think it's a bit Disney dad to feed a child chocolate all day long but I suspect this isn't the actual reality.

@DuchessDarty you're bang on! 'Early intervention' makes it sound like autism is something which can be fixed. I'm not sure if Evie is maybe referring to ABA therapy, they are very keen on early intervention, but it's very controversial and can be very damaging.
As you said - on the whole there is no intervention to be had, it's a case of "here's your diagnosis...good luck! Bye"

@EvieJeanBengal please can you confirm what your qualifications are in autism to be telling people what their autistic children (who you've never met) need?
"Autistic and Asperger’s kids need early intervention, structure and therapy to allow them to be all they can be."

1. Aspergers is no longer diagnosed in the U.K, it's just Autism Spectrum Condition now.
2. all autistic children need different things, depending on their individual needs. My son is autistic and has a PDA/ODD profile, yes he thrives on knowing what is happening each day but he doesn't suit a set routine, he needs flexibility as a routine adds a demand which he can't cope with. Don't make assumptions about a child based on their diagnosis, autism is a spectrum and no two autistic children are exactly the same.

My older children don't resent their brother or the fact that at times he's needed to be parented differently to them .

My ds would be classed as high functioning now, although I'm not a big fan of the term but at 4 he was only just becoming verbal and he didn't come out of nappies until nearly 5. He doesn't have additional learning disabilities and it certainly wasn't due to lazy parenting 🙄 the chocolate for dinner could be a sensory thing. Back when ds was younger we had lots of issues around foods and meal times and had to be flexible about eating and foods

@pitchforksandflamethrowers thanks

@SpaceshiptoMars it's a horrible description, and not nice to think of volunteer respite staff thinking of children in any way. It wouldn't occur to most decent people or professional staff.

@DooLallyy indeed! Agree with all of what you said.

Good grief, you cannot control how people think. I'm frankly astonished at MN deleting a post describing the wonder of seeing a child come alive in ways beyond wildest hopes.

@SpaceshiptoMars Lol, disingenuous to say that your post described the wonder of seeing a child come alive in ways beyond wildest hopes. If it had just done that, it would have been fine. But it endorsed the ablest description made in the previous deleted post, you said that some children did meet that description. I reported it for that reason.

If you think the deletion is unreasonable, take it up with MNHQ. I'd be OK with it being reinstated because it shows your ignorance. But don't come over all shocked that your free speech is being curtailed.

@SpaceshiptoMars "fine detail?" You're still being offensive. There are several parents of autistic children on this thread. You seem to think you know better than us but your language and tone when talking about autistic children has been patronising and ignorant.

I'm being open that I reported the post. But it was still MNHQ's to delete or not. So clearly they agreed your post was out of order.

@DooLallyy I think you have the wrong poster. I suspect my post was deleted because I referred to another post in it. However, if you found what I personally wrote offensive, then I'm sad about that. I would say more about my expertise, but it would be incredibly outing.

@DooLallyy @DuchessDarty

I have contacted MN. They have all the information needed to check my credentials.

My nephew has autism and is non-verbal.He is the most; lovable cheeky and funny boy. Your dsd may be in a pushchair not because the mother is lazy but for the child's safety. My nephew doesn't understand danger and is so fast .If he saw something on the other side of the main road that he wanted,he'd think nothing of running into the road to get it and is far too fast for us.For this reason he stayed in a pushchair until 7yrs old then we swapped it for a wheelchair .We also had reins for him and was accused of treating him like a dog by strangers that simply didn't understand that he was a danger to himself.

He doesn't play with other children or his siblings and doesn't play with toys conventionally.He will take it apart and make his own toy.He gets upset when children try to play with him.He'll play chase/hide and seek (more like peek a boo) with other children but not a game which involves toys.

We also pick our battles where sweets are concerned. Sometimes the only thing he will eat is a sweet.He isn't like most children that will eventually eat their meal when hungry.He has issues with textures and will starve/pass out rather than eat a meal sometimes,even if he ate that meal yesterday. Dr has told my sister eating anything is better than nothing even chocolate.

We started potty training him early (2 yrs old) but finally potty trained him at 6yrs of age. He just kept taking his nappy off and did it himself at 6.The toilet scares him and can't be flushed when he is in the room otherwise he'll refuse to use it and he made himself really ill.

His siblings (8 yes younger than him) don't envy him they know that he is disabled and they've always known this.They treat him like a younger brother and look out for him.

Leave. I'm sorry. I've been where you are and it doesn't get easier. Sounds awful but just look out for your own dc leave the parenting to her parents. And also leave.

We’re just dropping in to remind everyone that the OP is seeking advice and support about a sensitive/personal situation, and to bear this in mind when responding. We've had to remove some posts as they were personal attacks. MNers who continue to break guidelines may find their account suspended, which we'd prefer to avoid. Posters who continually derail threads may have their accounts suspended too.
MNHQ