Different rules in different houses - impact on my kids?

[blendedmama]

I will cut a long story short here. My DP has a DD4 from previous relationship. Both DSD and ex are autistic and DSD also has learning difficulties.
My DP and I have DS1 together and another on the way. The ex allows DSD to do pretty much what she wants - chocolate for dinner, ipad 24/7, whatever she wants she gets basically. She is non-verbal and still in nappies (mostly down to the fact neither parent has really attempted to potty train her).
Obviously we have different rules in our house. But my DP says he feels he is constantly battling with DSD and it is causing frequent meltdowns. He feels guilty because he only sees her 2 overnights a week and wants to enjoy his time with her. While I understand this I also feel we need to follow some rules as an example to our own children. Some things will always be different for DSD with her autism but I feel there needs to be some basic ground rules for everyone to adhere to. Am I ridiculous for not allowing a child to have chocolate for dinner in my house??
Problem being - I’m the only one that seems to enforce them and slowly and feeling more like the wicked stepmum when at the core I have nothing but good intentions. I’m tired of feeling like I parent DSD more than her actual parents and if they don’t want to provide her with some structure then why should I - it’s exhausting and I get no thanks for it. I would like to disengage from the situation as it is really causing me stress and anxiety but I worry about my children growing up and the impact on them. Will they see it as double standards? Why is mum setting rules for us and their sister can do what she wants? This is a real worry for me. Any words of wisdom or advice on how to proceed would be appreciated.

Thank you for your reply. Knowing that different rules for ASD children has not affected NT siblings is all I wanted to hear. I have read posts from NT siblings on forums to say they resented their parents for treating their ASD sibling differently and it worried me.

My partner dated this woman for a few months she fell pregnant. He left her before the child was born. We have been together over 3 years - hardly rushing into things. But whatever you want to think you obviously know more about my life than I do

Oh well, clearly you’re the chosen one so, crack on.

She has 2 parents who aren’t supportive of her or will be of you

save your energy and what’s left of your soul for your own child with a man who will insist on decent and fair parenting

you’re young, you have the world at your feet, for the love of god don’t settle for this

We know car crashes when we see them…

most of us have seen/been through waster parents and step parents from hell and wouldn’t wish them on our worst enemies

we DO know how this ends. Spend 5 mins on the step parenting board and you’ll see.

blendedmama christ sounds like a Prince. I wouldn't have dated someone so reckless to get someone pregnant and then ditch them.

You’re fighting a fight you won’t win. You’ve tried and failed and you know your influence is too little. I get you’re doing your best and that you think your approach is better than her mum and dad’s but the point is it doesn’t matter. They don’t want your input.

You’ve been together 3 years, say you’ve done all his parenting for him in that time and you think he’s a shit dad. Why oh why would you give two more innocent babies a disengaged useless dad?

You’ve got a far better chance of giving them a decent upbringing with reasonable boundaries and healthy habits if you leave him and go it on your own. How could you stay and try to build a functional family with a man you think so little of?

If you choose to stay, stop fighting against how SD is being parented. Stop looking after her by yourself. Disengage from bedtimes, meal times, potty training. You’ll have two kids of your own to fill your time, focus on them, you already know their dad is useless 😢

OP there are always defensive parents on threads like this. Some parents are lazy and take the easy way out when parenting.
I would not try and enforce all the rules you think should be in place. Talk to your DP and agree on one or two that you think would make the most difference. For example, saying she can not eat chocolate for dinner. And ignore the rest.

Lol. No parent of an Autistic child is lazy or takes the easy way out. Nothing about parenting an Autistic child is easy - not even if you’re Autistic yourself, like me.

@ye so all parents of autistic children are brilliant parents? Only NT children have lazy or neglectful parents?

OP is saying the child is capable of doing things independently as she does them when with her, that her parents think she is not capable of.
I have had this - x can not dress themselves, given time x dresses themselves perfectly fine.

Anyway OP you will not get much useful advice here. It is always the same. All parents of autistic children are super parents and there is not one lazy or neglectful parent amongst them.
If the child was NT you would have more useful replies as more people accept lazy and neglectful parents of NT children exist.

Thank you for all the supportive and understanding comments. Yes my partner may have made a stupid mistake to get someone pregnant that he barely knew, but my parents stayed together over 20 years when they were miserable for mine and my siblings ‘benefit’. Let me tell you we had a pretty miserable time growing up with 2 unhappy parents so I fully support my OH decision to leave someone he did not want to be with. He is a great dad in most respects - he has never missed a day he is meant to have her and has offered to take her more often and her mum doesn’t want this. He is not a shitty dad, he’s laid back and non-confrontational as a person. Her mum has brought her up her way and my partner is reluctant to fight against this as he doesn’t get to see her often (not his choice). I understand this, and as I said in my original post I want to take a step back as I have realised myself I’m too involved and it’s not doing anyone any favours. My main concern was my own children being resentful, I haven’t navigated a situation like this before and that’s the advice I was asking for.
And as for the judgemental people - you might have autistic children yes but unless you’ve also been a step parent and have navigated a blended family you have no idea about this very specific dynamic so respectfully, I don’t give a toss what you think of me.

If he’s so worried her mum is doing a shit job he can apply for a court order giving him more contact time. If he’s really worried he can go for full residency.

Given you’ve clearly said you care more about her and what’s best for her than both her parents, and that you’ve done all the parenting during his contact in the 3 years you’ve known her I doubt he’ll bother.

He can’t he a good dad and a shit lazy dad who leaves all the leg work to you. It’s one or the other.

Ok, you're going to get a lot of flack for much of your approach, put your hard hat on....

It's up to you now. Are you tough enough to see through your convictions for this child, despite a wall of opposition 6 feet deep? Because you're right, plenty of people hear 'autism', non-verbal etc and stop having expectations, focusing most on reducing impact on family life, because it can be beyond exhausting. With two young children of your own, you are going to be plenty busy enough with them, let alone advocating for your DP's child.

If your gut feeling is this child is alert, taking in the environment, responsive to you, then non-verbal might not be a permanent state of affairs. I studied with a man who didn't speak until he was 4, and then straight to sentences, and on to a 1st class honours degree.

What is she doing on the iPad? Age appropriate? Any early reading? Has she had any Makaton/signing training? Does she get specialist nursery education? Is there any respite care available - some churches do this. Are you prepared to work with Mum for her? How are the finances, because adequate money would be really handy if you want to go on a crusade for this child!

Of course your kids will see it as unfair and they will eventually demand the same.

Nobody is saying that you shouldn't have had kids but you must have known that mum and dad were weak parents which is a red flag for a peaceful life. Reading between the lines your partner is a weak parent and got together with you because you're very keen. You chose this man to father your children. Why do you think he would change his parenting ? Yanbu to think that children should be offered nutritious meals but why did you think a weak man would change because he had kids with you ?

You need to let go of what the mum does at her house. You have no influence over that (and quite rightly shouldn't) You should have seen mum and dad's parenting as massive red flags when choosing a father for your kids. Sorry but true.

Step parenting alone is difficult nevermind a child with additional needs. I’m doing the very best I can.
Interesting that you added the word "alone". It sounds like your partner is the problem here. He should be parenting all of the children.

Hi op, I have a very similar experience to you. My stepson is delayed and his mum is bone idle and using and exaggerating DSS needs to gain benefits.
She doesn't parent him it drives me mad. We put boundaries in place here and he now knows he has to follow them. For example she says he doesn't sleep, we put routines in place and he sleeps really well here no problem.
He understands instructions and loves praise, attention and cuddles. I don't see the same child she claims to have. I understand lots of other peoples situations are really difficult but I know that she is using him not to work and just sit on her arse, it infuriates me.
My point is that children do learn that there are different rules in place,

@YellowPlumbob how you’ve spoken to me since your first comment says a lot about your character and I have no regard for your opinion so stop wasting your time replying to me

Me and everyone else telling you the same thing I am? But sure, we’re all wrong.

@YellowPlumbob except everyone isn’t saying the same thing as you lol like another commenter said, you clearly believe that an autistic parent of an autistic child is only capable of being a great parent and that I alone am the issue here. So let’s not flog a dead horse and end the conversation here

@feckingknackered thanks for that. Good to know others have experienced this and that I’m not a terrible person like some on this thread would have you believe

I have 2 autistic children amd two older children. The older ones have a different dad so its a similar situation to you. Yes the children are parented differently due to the additional needs of the younger 2. Have the older ones resented it? Yes at times. However that's part and parcel of having siblings. They have also learned a huge amount of empathy and understanding due to the situation. My 16 year old daughter now says she wanys to work with autistic children when she's older so it hasn't affected her too badly.
As an aside, my 7 year old still isn't toilet trained.
Thats not necessarily an indication of good or poor parenting in situations like this.