Different rules in different houses - impact on my kids?

[blendedmama]

I will cut a long story short here. My DP has a DD4 from previous relationship. Both DSD and ex are autistic and DSD also has learning difficulties.
My DP and I have DS1 together and another on the way. The ex allows DSD to do pretty much what she wants - chocolate for dinner, ipad 24/7, whatever she wants she gets basically. She is non-verbal and still in nappies (mostly down to the fact neither parent has really attempted to potty train her).
Obviously we have different rules in our house. But my DP says he feels he is constantly battling with DSD and it is causing frequent meltdowns. He feels guilty because he only sees her 2 overnights a week and wants to enjoy his time with her. While I understand this I also feel we need to follow some rules as an example to our own children. Some things will always be different for DSD with her autism but I feel there needs to be some basic ground rules for everyone to adhere to. Am I ridiculous for not allowing a child to have chocolate for dinner in my house??
Problem being - I’m the only one that seems to enforce them and slowly and feeling more like the wicked stepmum when at the core I have nothing but good intentions. I’m tired of feeling like I parent DSD more than her actual parents and if they don’t want to provide her with some structure then why should I - it’s exhausting and I get no thanks for it. I would like to disengage from the situation as it is really causing me stress and anxiety but I worry about my children growing up and the impact on them. Will they see it as double standards? Why is mum setting rules for us and their sister can do what she wants? This is a real worry for me. Any words of wisdom or advice on how to proceed would be appreciated.

You don't need to be though. Just support your DH in his parenting. And make sure your child is bought up how you and he want

As a step parent, your role is different from being a parent though. It's more about supporting your partner rather than imposing your own values or parenting style. Ideally you do a blend of both, but in my view (as both as SP and a SC) backing off is better than overstepping.
Regarding the child having more independent skills than her parents perhaps see, this again isn't unusual. I wouldn't read too much into it.

imo treating them all equal doesn’t mean treating them all the same and there will be differences especially considering DSD has ASD but there has to be standard rules and I think the chocolate for dinner thing is a no no but nothing you can do really if her dad is allowing the behaviour. It will breed resentment but that’s just part and parcel of family and that’s why there are such things as therapists 😁

This. My DC is similar, and while I definitely make a variety of foods, some things DC eats happily and others DC just stares at. DC is also still in pull-ups at nearly 5, not because me or EXDP can't be bothered to train DC, but because DC does not understand the cues when their body needs to use the toilet.

For this you are being unreasonable, as you clearly have no knowledge of how to support a DC in this situation. I'd suggest you read up on it, if you plan to stay in a relationship with your DP.

@Starseeking let me rephrase then, she is still in nappies (which I completely understand to be normal for ASD children of her age and much older) - but absolutely not helped by the fact she didn’t start potty training until 4 and gets no encouragement with using the toilet. I’ve suggested to DH about using flash cards as I read it can be helpful. Yes she is non verbal but has a great understanding of what you say to her and show her. Trust me, I have read tonnes and tried to educate myself as best I can.
But it’s all besides the point as I’ve decided to take a major step back and let me OH take the lead, as I said in my original post and as has been suggested to me. Parenting my partners child is not what I asked for advice on, my concern was my own children.

I’ve suggested to DH about using flash cards as I read it can be helpful. Yes she is non verbal but has a great understanding of what you say to her and show her. Trust me, I have read tonnes and tried to educate myself as best I can.

I'm curious why you suggested flash cards rather than just going ahead and trying it out anyway? I can understand standing back and not getting involved over potty training and diet for 2 days a fortnight, but there is no reason not to carve out some sort of role in her life if you have the interest or the expertise in a small area. If you're right, you could literally change the course of her life. If you're wrong, no harm done.

I chose to intervene with mine. No ex, but the older adult children have strong opinions! Hard work, considerable opposition, zero thanks from the rest of the family, but DH and the younger DSC are happy with the results.

I don’t know what the deleted posts said, but for the ones remaining, any “defensive parents” as you put it are those of us with autistic children. It’s offensive to call us defensive. Unlike other posters here we know damn well how incredibly hard it is to parent children with ASD, and how not having so many rules for them is actually putting their needs first.

@DuchessDarty the defensive posts were those claiming all parents of autistic children are wonderful parents.
Both NT and autistic children have wonderful parents, as well as some lazy and neglectful parents.
OP is saying the child can do things that their parents claim they can not i.e. get mostly independently dressed. Letting children do things for themselves takes more time when they are young, it is easier to do it yourself. But children get massive boosts to their self esteem from being able to do self care.

Going by what you said, you’ve been together over 3 years.

You have a 1 year old child together and you are pregnant with your second child together.

1 year plus 9 months means you were together 1.5 years day before you got pregnant.

Your DP has a severely autistic 4 year old. He’s been with you over 3 years. So his autistic child wasn’t even 1 when he got together with you.

You might not have been rushing into things (although it moved quite quickly) but HE certainly was. The PP was right about that.

Thank you for explaining. I didn’t see any posts claiming all parents of autistic children are wonderful parents. Presume they were the deleted ones.

I did see a PP say parents of autistic children aren’t lazy and I’d agree with that.

Just because the OP thinks the 4yo has seen the 4yo be able to be more independent on the odd evening does not mean the 4yo is capable of doing that every day. I’m not going to spend time explaining but there are reasons why.

The OP is not resident in the mother’s house. She does not know in detail what the mother does with her child.

The OP said that her DP is arguing with his DSC and causing meltdowns. Causing your autistic child repeated meltdowns means you’re distressing your child not seeing to their needs. You have to really pick your battles, which we say about NT children too but doing it WRT to autistic children is a while other level.

All I will say is that for some autistic DC you could attempt to toilet train them every day from the age of 2 and they may not be fully dry until age 10 or beyond.

It really doesn't help in any way shape or form for some DC to start toilet training by age 4, as you put it.

You're right to take a step back from supporting your DSC; it doesn't sound like you (or their father) understand their needs. Leave it to the DM who apparently does nothing anyway

P.S. I was a DSM parenting with a Disney Dad until last year. We had issues with rules in DM's house versus rules in our house. While I emphasised different people do different things in different houses, I got no support from my now EXDP. As such I gradually withdrew from parenting his DC. Finally left when the disparity in treatment by DP between DP's DC and our joint DC's became too great. Your DP should be taking the lead on parenting his DC. The least stress for you would be to detach and enjoy your own DC.

To be honest I saw the title of your thread is quite misleading tbh.

Everyone has given you great responses tbh.

To say your worried about you kids well you knew DSD was autistic. How much hard work it could. You DP will be more attentive to her because that's a fact. Your child and new baby will just get use to seeing an older siblings with autism and actually will need understand it and learn very early on because they will wonder why they are out of nappies and she isn't.
Sorry it's something your children has to get use too.
It might be unsettling for you SD seeing a new baby and adjusting too.
It's not normal step parenting situation here this need to be handled delicately because of your SD. I agree you need to support your DH.
Another thing it doesn't matter if your he had random one night stand he still created a child. 3 years with doesn't mean he should walk away.
Last point you knew your SD need still you chose to have another baby your resentful of her because you want it easy for your kids. It's not like that at all.
She can't get use to maybe change but whatever they just have to get use her needs.
If she didn't have autism think I would be with you on the rules thing but she can't help the way she is.

DSD has only been very recently diagnosed with ASD. I think it’s easy to say “you knew he had kids” or “you knew this or that”. Yes, you know that a child or children exist. But you don’t know the actual reality of being in that situation until you’re pretty deeply involved. And every situation is unique so knowing what it is like for one step parent gives you limited insight on what it could be like in a different situation.
It’s a complicated situation and I haven’t went into all the details. DSD does not like my son, doesn’t play with him and has a meltdown if he comes near her. She will often play with his toys and if he tries to play along with her she will take his toys and move to the other side of the room away from him (she has tonnes of her own toys). If he tries to touch anything of hers - instant meltdown. We live in a small house. It’s difficult to have space. Even though I’m aware it’s normal for ASD to be like this, it’s upsetting and hard for me to see my son rejected. We have had separate problems with DSD mum who is also ASD. Sending inappropriate messages to my partner. Showing up at our place of business to see him when I’m not there. Buying my partner gifts. My DP is always reluctant to push back on her because she has lashed out and stopped him from seeing DSD in the past. So I’m expected to just suck it up a lot of the time. Yes, another sign of my DP being ‘weak’. But he is also very generous, caring and I would say probably has a much bigger heart than me. Nobody is perfect.

If I’m being totally honest there are lots of stressors that are adding to this situation as a whole that have probably caused me a lot of resentment. An over-involved and equally inappropriate MIL is the cherry on top. One great example was sending my pregnancy scans to DSD mum.. I mean who wouldn’t want that? 1st child was planned at a time when things were going well and we were all doing well as a family. From then things have got harder. Recently things have not been good and although I have come off as the bad person here on this thread I’m just a person who is trying to cope. Looking back at my original post I probably over summarised and came off quite blunt. We also own a business together, yep probably another mistake or something I rushed. But we’re here now, I’ve made my bed and need to find a way to lie in it, or not. All these comments have given me a lot to think about and I know I will need to make a decision at some stage on what’s best for me and DC.

Even though I’m aware it’s normal for ASD to be like this, it’s upsetting and hard for me to see my son rejected. We have had separate problems with DSD mum who is also ASD.

A gentle notice:
It’s best to double-check your language and that you’ve got no missing words when writing about autistic people. The correct way to talk about people with ASD is to say that they have ASD, or that they’re autistic. It’s seen as offensive to say “is ASD” or “normal for ASD to be like this”. Although I appreciate you may have a missing word in that sentence.

@DuchessDarty I did mean to say “children with ASD”. In the second instant I was using ASD in short of ‘autistic’. But I will keep that in mind for future, thank you.

@blendedmama

You said it you made your bed and got to lie on it.

So your dsd

And apologies, no offence was intended. Just worded incorrectly.

@Scorpio8 totally appreciate this and my DP has always handled it well when he has needed to talk to her about her behaviour being inappropriate. And for a long time I have just sucked it up and got on with things, but surely I am allowed to consider my needs from time to time too? DP has asked ex twice not to show up at our place of business but she continues to do so. She seems to be HF - lives alone and has done for some time, has had jobs, relationships. Has always been verbal from what DP has told me. I can’t just suck this up for the rest of my life and have an XP constantly overstep boundaries. I have always given lots of grace because she is autistic but I can’t live like this forever. So do I just take my kids and walk away? Please understand how painful the thought of that is. I do love my DP and it’s not easy to do something like that.
I recently suggested to DP that he takes DSD out for an activity together on one of the days he has her so they can have some alone time together and she isn’t stressed around DS.
I think it’s unfair to call me very selfish. And unfair to expect a person to put their own needs last 100% of the time. Although people will probably disagree with that, that’s how I feel.

As a parent of two Autistic children, I don't think your requests are unreasonable. I think there needs to be a lot of work done on the sibling relationship. All autistic children are different and all parenting is different but being on an iPad and having no interaction with people will not help going forward.

The flash cards are a great idea and I would get them anyway.

No worries. I gathered it was a missing word and that you incorrectly assumed “is ASD” is synonymous for “is autistic”.

@blendedmama I had a slightly comparable experience to you in that I could recognise my autistic DSC were capable of doing more than what their parents were expecting from them. However I later realised that they (the parents) had used up most of their emotional bandwith dealing with the day-in-day-out challenges of parenting DC with additional needs so they'd kind of stay stuck in one lane of "this is what works to get us through the day" and sort of forget that things could move on a bit if that makes sense. Possibly less of an explanation for your DP as he's not having DSD for the majority of the time, although having said that, dealing with a challenging ex is also pretty draining. That's not to say that you shouldn't keep helping and encouraging your DSD but ultimately her upbringing isn't for you to worry about. If there's any fallout from the choices her parents are making then make sure you leave them to deal with it.

@blendedmama

I just think you and him need therapy.

You have come across really selfish but the situation is difficult.

It's another one where you need to be stronger than ever. I believe it will work in the end. Walking a way is cop out sorry.
He will need your support but if your son safety is a concern. Tell take her out on his own for a bit one day rather than her sleeping over. I really don't know but feel the girl and not sure how the mum coping.

It's a lot to deal with actually wish you all the best.

I don’t want to walk away, that is the last thing I want.

This will be my last comment on the thread as honestly it has left me feeling really low. My life has been referred to as a car crash. I’ve been called selfish and stupid and just been made to feel like a generally all round terrible person, despite putting up with many things and making many sacrifices since joining my DP and DSD. Apparently my kid’s sheer existence has negatively impacted my DSD. If I stay I’m making everything worse and if I leave it’s a cop out. I can’t win. Unless I just sit back, forget about my own needs and happiness and just do it all with a smile on my face.