AIBU to think husband can't just unilaterally decide DSC is staying more

[OkayPig]

DSS is 11 and wants to stay with us more (currently 2 nights per week) he has some friends around here as we are closer to his new secondary school so I suspect that's probably why.

Husband is talking as if it's a done thing but I've told him to put the brakes on a second and think how this is going to work.

Currently I do basically 90% of everything for our child and at home. He's a bit of a workaholic, will leave at the crack of dawn to go to work and as such, I work my part time hours (3.5 days worth of hours but over 3 days) so that I can be around to take our child to nursery and collect them afterwards. Our child also has a couple of ongoing issues at the moment and on my days off I have quite a few appointments and classes to attend (official classes they've been referred to by our doctor and HV like speech therapy and play sessions etc..).

He does bring in the majority of the money so I appreciate it's not as easy as just not working but as I say, I'm responsible for pretty much most of everything else. He did say I didn't need to go back to work but I wanted to keep my fingers in the pie so to speak and I managed to fit this around our child and their current needs.

I feel like he's assuming nothing will need to change for him and I can just slot DSS into my normal day without even discussing it with me or how it will work. I do not want to just unilaterally take on another child majority of the time without even a consideration or thought as to how it will affect me and the time I have. I went part time so I could be available for our child and their needs, not so I could be doing everything for his son too who has a mother and father.

His mum isn't happy about it but has said if it's really what he wants she will agree.

I think DH needs to look at what he can change himself to be around more if he agrees to this or say DSS will need to stay with his mother.

Our child is making some good progress at their sessions on my days off and the last thing I want to do is change that around or have to juggle DSS as well causing potential disruption.

And I'm sure I'll get asked what I'd do if their mum dropped dead tomorrow but imo that's an entirely different situation. She's alive and well and capable of caring for him.

Yes of course he should discuss with you.

But remember that your daytime routine and ability to take his younger sibling to classes, appointments etc will be almost entirely unaffected, as secondary age DC take themselves to and from school, and usually have a key to let themselves back in if it's still school run o'clock for any younger ones.

You need to work out what will happen during the school holidays

Of course YANBU, he's being completely unreasonable to expect any of your time without discussing it with you.

And yes I agree it is reasonable to say he should only do this if he can facilitate the time off himself.

What will you actually need to do for him? You need to work out what impact there will be.

If DH wants DSS there more then he needs to parent him - perhaps a weekend day?

It sounds as if the real issue is around what you are expected to do.

On the face of it, no your DH isn’t unreasonable to agree to his child staying at his more. After all he’s as much the child’s parent as his mother and his home should be as much the child’s home as his mum’s home.

But it all depends on what sacrifices you’re expected to make to accommodate this, and this is what needs discussion.

At 11 he isn’t going to need much care per se. You’re presumably e.g. cooking etc anyway, so I’d imagine the majority of the issue could be in say, driving him to and from activities etc.

Anyway none of us are aware of the logistics so this is what you need to discuss with your DH.

Unfortunately their parents baby him quite a lot and he's not allowed to stay home alone. My point being if they want someone always at home before and after he leaves, then they need to sort it between themselves not expect me to work around it.

You need to work out what will happen during the school holidays

This is one of my main concerns. At present, contact pretty much stays as is throughout the holidays unless we go away so take him for a week or two. So if he was with us majority time, he'd be with us majority of the holidays too. I work from home sometimes so I imagine I'd end up being default.

If he's 11 what extra will you actually need to do for him?

so I’d imagine the majority of the issue could be in say, driving him to and from activities etc.

Yes another issue. He has a particular club three times a week. DH tends not to be home in time so likely down to me again.

This is what annoys me. He hasn't thought about any of it or if he has, has just assumed I'll do it without even talking to me.

Tell your husband he needs to work out childcare as if you didn’t exist. If he can’t come up with a solution, he will have to come up with a different plan.
I doubt the 11 year old is desperate for you personally to look after him.

Unfortunately their parents baby him quite a lot and he's not allowed to stay home alone. My point being if they want someone always at home before and after he leaves, then they need to sort it between themselves not expect me to work around it. this is the discussion you need to have.

You need to make it clear that he’s 11 now and there is no need for someone to always be at home with him. So the issue isn’t with him staying there, but if he does and you’re expected to be in charge of him, then your rules apply and as far as you’re concerned he’s capable of getting himself to and from school and of being in the house on his own for a couple of hours afterwards.

I would make it non negotiable, so if your dh wants him to stay then those are the rules.

I don't have any objection to him being here more providing DH makes himself more available and helps more with other things.

It's more washing, more cooking, more shopping, more tidying, more ferrying to clubs, more availablity during the holidays especially, driving to and from school if the weather's crap, taking to mates houses etc..

Obviously I'm not saying I'll do nothing. But I'm not just having it assumed I'll take on everything extra it will involve without even a conversation about what HE is going to change to make himself more available for his son.

I think you need to sit down and work out what you will and won't be available for

As you said, his parents will need to think hard about him staying home alone, and how often this will happen, because if you have to be home with him this will impact what you do

Your dh will have to commit to being available to take ds to his hobbies each week

What will your dh do with regards to school holidays

He can't just say 'yes' and expect nothing to change for him and for you to pick up the slack

Does his mum work?

If not could she take him to the activity?

When me and my ex split he worked full time but I didn’t, so on the days when he was meant to have the DC I still picked them up from school, took them to activities etc and ex just picked them up after work. After he moved in with his partner he wanted them to go straight to his house after school on his nights but they didn’t want to so they still came to me. And I would never have had the expectation of his partner to do the running around after them as she had her own responsibilities.

In some ways this could work in his mum’s favour as well, because if she’s understandably upset that DS wants to stay there less, she can still see him on those days when he has activities etc.

if she does work what happens then?

He can't just say 'yes' and expect nothing to change for him and for you to pick up the slack

Thanks, this is my point.

And I don't agree that 11 year olds need no parenting whatsoever or mean absolutely no extra work or consideration.

I think you're right. I don't think you should get a say in whether he's there more but I don't think it should equate to any additional work for you without your agreement

She does work but she works 3 long days so the days DSS stays with us and then her parents have him until she gets home the 3rd day at present.

This isn't likely to change as it's still full time just over 3 days.

But I don't think she'd come and take him to hobbies because she's pissed at the situation. She's not happy about it at all tbh and I think is more likely to be difficult about it in the hope he ends up going back if anything.

I don’t think you have the right to refuse him staying more (or even full time if that was best for him). It’s his dad’s home and he has as much right to live there as your shared child.

However, you can absolutely expect your husband to work out the logistics of care if you don’t want to/can’t provide it. Unless he has family help, this could mean paying for childcare or reducing his hours at work or even looking for a new career. Personally, if your husband’s income currently allows you to work part time while maintaining a nice quality of life, I’d be helping out as much as I could.

If you can swallow a loss of household earnings easily then leave it for him to work out.

I wouldn’t outright refuse, but I would carefully plan it. Firstly, I’d increase the time he's with you by 1 night with a view to further nights if it goes well. Alternately, why not try having him week on week off? So he stays with you one full week then with his mum the next? Whatever you decide, it has to be agreed beforehand who’s responsible for what. Get a weekly calendar and write everything down - drop offs, pick ups, shopping, laundry days, housework etc. allocate who will do what each week. Your dh needs to see just how much you do and how this will increase when his ds is at your house. And remind dh that if dss is at yours more, his CMS payments will decrease.

Probation to spend time at his home. Nice:

Personally, if your husband’s income currently allows you to work part time while maintaining a nice quality of life, I’d be helping out as much as I could

Neither of us really see it like this to be honest. He loves his job and didn't really want to give any of it up to do what needs to be done with our child, so I did. At the moment, someone needs to be available more for our child due to their needs, they don't cope great in nursery as it is so the least amount of time they can spend there the better. DH agrees with that. I'm never just doing nothing or living the high life on my days off. As I say, they are typically spent at appointments or classes for DC.

Sorry I missed this update. Of course you’re not unreasonable for expecting DH to do more around the house and for his son, especially if he will be there more often. What is your DH’s response when you bring this up?

Ask him what he'd do if YOU dropped dead tomorrow.

DH has a very 'we'll just cross that bridge later' type of mindset, whereas I like to know what's going on. And I know him, I know when he says that what he means is, I'll just carry on as I am and hope everything sorts itself out (i.e. I'll sort it out).

But at the moment I'm saying NO. Until he actually commits to what HE is going to do.

By 11yo, if both/all parents were out at work he'd be seeing to himself after school, so I don't really see what burden it is to you, especially if his main driver is to see friends.

I do think he needs to be welcome at his father's house as often as he wants, but if his father's not there, he can fend for himself, if that's what you need him to do .