AIBU to think husband can't just unilaterally decide DSC is staying more

[OkayPig]

DSS is 11 and wants to stay with us more (currently 2 nights per week) he has some friends around here as we are closer to his new secondary school so I suspect that's probably why.

Husband is talking as if it's a done thing but I've told him to put the brakes on a second and think how this is going to work.

Currently I do basically 90% of everything for our child and at home. He's a bit of a workaholic, will leave at the crack of dawn to go to work and as such, I work my part time hours (3.5 days worth of hours but over 3 days) so that I can be around to take our child to nursery and collect them afterwards. Our child also has a couple of ongoing issues at the moment and on my days off I have quite a few appointments and classes to attend (official classes they've been referred to by our doctor and HV like speech therapy and play sessions etc..).

He does bring in the majority of the money so I appreciate it's not as easy as just not working but as I say, I'm responsible for pretty much most of everything else. He did say I didn't need to go back to work but I wanted to keep my fingers in the pie so to speak and I managed to fit this around our child and their current needs.

I feel like he's assuming nothing will need to change for him and I can just slot DSS into my normal day without even discussing it with me or how it will work. I do not want to just unilaterally take on another child majority of the time without even a consideration or thought as to how it will affect me and the time I have. I went part time so I could be available for our child and their needs, not so I could be doing everything for his son too who has a mother and father.

His mum isn't happy about it but has said if it's really what he wants she will agree.

I think DH needs to look at what he can change himself to be around more if he agrees to this or say DSS will need to stay with his mother.

Our child is making some good progress at their sessions on my days off and the last thing I want to do is change that around or have to juggle DSS as well causing potential disruption.

but she’s trying to do what’s best for her child, who has asked to be at his dad’s more

I agree the mother doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong here - but OP's DH is behaving like a child by saying yes to an 11-year-old's request for a major life change which impacts everyone (including DSS) without considering the bigger picture or even discussing it with OP.

It's one thing to say "sure, we'll all discuss it and consider whether there's a way that might work", but it's quite another to simply say yes to a child's rose-tinted view of the situation, not least when DH doesn't even have the time to support his other DC's needs and OP has already had to go part-time to pick up this slack.

Oh definitely. The problem is the OP’s DH who doesn’t seem to think he needs to discuss this with the person who is actually going to have to facilitate it.

The SC’s mum can only do what she can. And she probably feels that she has to be supportive of her child. The internal dynamics of the OP’s households are not really her business.

I also agree that just because an 11 year old wants something, it doesn’t mean that they can or should have it. Life is complex and 11 year olds are often unaware of many of the implications. That’s why we don’t just put them in charge of everything.

Of course he should discuss it with you.

By all means have your sc more time, that would be lovely for you all. But your dh needs to sit down and work out how HE is going to manage all the extra logistics etc.

Is your DH open to going part time or to getting a new job that has only limited daytime hours?

Maybe he needs that change so that he can be more available for his son and has better balance. It might mean tighter finances but that would be worth it for him to be there for his child (ren).

WTF? The OP hasn't said the boy's mother is shunting him around or isn't mothering properly. OP's said the oppposite. The mother doesn't want the boy to spend more time at the father's and less at hers. But some posters always like to blame the mother.

Anyone suggesting mum is shunting the kids around is wrong, but I haven't seen any comments that suggest that but maybe I have missed some ?

This is 100% DH problem. The lack of communication and assumptions are the cause of this whole mess.

I'm kind of on the fence, yes you are not his parent, yes it's your house too but if you marry a man with a child it will be a possibility. We have dsd full time, no discussion, her mum simply told her she was moving in with us and dsd called us to tell us! Yes older but our house can't sleep everyone!

Yes someone suggested the mum is shunting the kids around....the poster who I quoted in my post that you're quoting from. So really not hard for you to find, if you put in a bit of effort, which you clearly didn't.
..
Do you think I made it up from thin air?

@Interpol that's a fairly aggressive response considering I said I didn't see it but maybe I missed something 😵‍💫

I also stated mum wasn't the problem here. Really odd odd response when someone is agreeing with you agreeing with you.

But ok 👍🏻

No idea why that doubled that last "you agreeing with you" apologies

I'd be tempted to join forces with the Mum to stick a spoke in this plan that neither of you want! Get Dad to cough up for travel expenses to allow DSS to visit his friends for a couple of hours a week or something.

He has as much right to be there as your own child but your DH needs to parent him more and not expect you to carry the load. Having said that if he enables you to work part time then there has to be some give and take.

He's not "enabling" her FFS. They both need one of them to work part time equally.

Bahahaha not aggressive, just irritated you were saying something wasn’t said rather than giving the benefit of the doubt or checking. The thread isn’t long, wouldn’t have taken you much more time to look than you type that maybe you missed it.

@Interpol sure 👍🏻

the dss cant dictate what a bunch of adults do, if it doesn't work it has to stay as it is. your dh has to step up otherwise.