AIBU to think husband can't just unilaterally decide DSC is staying more

[OkayPig]

DSS is 11 and wants to stay with us more (currently 2 nights per week) he has some friends around here as we are closer to his new secondary school so I suspect that's probably why.

Husband is talking as if it's a done thing but I've told him to put the brakes on a second and think how this is going to work.

Currently I do basically 90% of everything for our child and at home. He's a bit of a workaholic, will leave at the crack of dawn to go to work and as such, I work my part time hours (3.5 days worth of hours but over 3 days) so that I can be around to take our child to nursery and collect them afterwards. Our child also has a couple of ongoing issues at the moment and on my days off I have quite a few appointments and classes to attend (official classes they've been referred to by our doctor and HV like speech therapy and play sessions etc..).

He does bring in the majority of the money so I appreciate it's not as easy as just not working but as I say, I'm responsible for pretty much most of everything else. He did say I didn't need to go back to work but I wanted to keep my fingers in the pie so to speak and I managed to fit this around our child and their current needs.

I feel like he's assuming nothing will need to change for him and I can just slot DSS into my normal day without even discussing it with me or how it will work. I do not want to just unilaterally take on another child majority of the time without even a consideration or thought as to how it will affect me and the time I have. I went part time so I could be available for our child and their needs, not so I could be doing everything for his son too who has a mother and father.

His mum isn't happy about it but has said if it's really what he wants she will agree.

I think DH needs to look at what he can change himself to be around more if he agrees to this or say DSS will need to stay with his mother.

Our child is making some good progress at their sessions on my days off and the last thing I want to do is change that around or have to juggle DSS as well causing potential disruption.

Do you know what it would be great if you could do op?

(And I know as mothers we pretty much never do this as it's children who are negatively affected).

Adopt exactly the same approach as him. 'Cool, sounds lovely, we'll cross all the bridges when they happen.'
Then, don't think about it whatsoever. Apply zero thought or worry. Don't change anything you do at all. Go out when you would in the morning. If that leaves him home, that's his parents problem and fault. Don't take him to his extra curricular. Just don't even think about it. Don't do his extra washing. Just leave it. Ok, do cook for him if you're cooking anyway. If he texts you 'can you pick me up' forward it to his dad.

OP, without meaning to sound negative, I think you and DH also need to be pragmatic about the level of care and attention your own DC might need going forward.

Speaking from experience, children with SN often require more input (and parents to take more and more time off work) as they get older and their needs diverge further and further from those of their peers (who are developing more independence). It's obviously doable (many SN children have siblings), but adapting to each new situation and liaising with teaching staff etc to help your child adjust can take a lot of energy. Parents are often expected to do a lot of the leg work as even the most devoted teaching staff and SENCOs simply don't have the time.

In the next few years, you're going to have your DC starting primary school (and navigating that with SN can take a huge amount of parental time and energy) and DSS going into his options year and then GCSEs, etc. they're both going to need different types of parental support and it sounds like that's all going to fall on you, plus carrying the mental load for secondary school, nursery and medical stuff that DH obviously doesn't see as he's not dealing with it.

It just seems like a important time for DSS to have stability and parental support as he's presumably starting secondary school, so to be expected to simply 'slot in' to another household with a young child with developing SN and to not be any bother to anyone seems a bit much to expect of him too.

It seems to me the only way that the answer could be yes at this point is on the basis it is strictly a temporary trial with a firm review date. Given it's going to fall on you, you need to be able to veto this, either now or after a trial.

Then he expects the effort to come from you.
He’s not going to be there.

Yup

I'd made it clear to your DH that you're north doing any additional work. So pick ups and drop offs and every else will be facilitated by his dad.

I think this is cheeky for him to agree to when he's unlikely to even see his DS more!

This is definitely a DH problem. Happy to appease his child wanting to be there but expecting to delegate his parental responsibility onto another woman. Fuck that! He needs to come up with a proposal how HE will make it work. It's nothing to do with your workload. Keep drawing that boundary OP.

I agree with @arethereanyleftatall

Tell your DH that you have no objections to DSS coming over more because it's not like it's going to affect you as you will not be taking on any responsibility for the child at all. Yeah I would stick extra food on because I can't see the point of cooking for 3 when there's 4 people, (that would be an arsehole move), but everything else? Gets left to DH or DSS.

It's naive to think that OP can just say yes but that she won't be looking after him when he's there, and that that will actually be how it plays out.

If he's there and he's not the kind of self sufficient kid who spends most of his time out or in his room, then he will be looking to Op to entertain and look after him. She won't be able to ignore that.

Yeah I guess it's harder when actually in the situation.

This is fantasy though.

Absolutely it is @pictish

But, wouldn't it be great if we did? Not for the children of course, that would be awful. But it would prove a point to males who so often travel through parenthood so effortlessly, simply because their wives are pedalling away like mad in the background.

'Laid back' 'easy going' are positive terms applied mostly to men, which actually mean 'thoughtless, selfish, arrogant, sexist, lazy'

I don’t get these in second marriages and their complete sense of entitlement to expect second wife to be a 24/7 babysitter. The polite thing would have been to discuss it with you first. But that’s expecting too much of these men. You have a Husband problem

Is he starting secondary school in September? Ideal time to encourage more independence.... Dh can help him organise a schedule he can manage. Even my 7yo can rustle up snacks..

There is always the fallback chore you'd give your own child..."if you're bored, there's that pile of laundry that needs folding" 😁.

You still have to direct them to it.

I totally agree that lazy men who absolve themselves of responsibility and expect the women around them to pick up all the slack get referred to in positive terms (‘laid back’).

This one is probably imagining himself as father of the year for having his son more, even though he’s not going to make any changes to accommodate that. He’s just going to leave it to his wife and take all the glory.

I'm questioning DSS's motivation for wanting to spend more time at OP's house and whether 'spending more time with his friends' is really a valid reason to change the existing arrangements, (especially as the transition to secondary school is huge, and he'd probably benefit by having other aspects of his life remain stable for the time being) .
Is it possible that DSS is thinking that he'd get more freedom by not living at his mother's so much and maybe less intense supervision at OP's house?
I think DSS's motivations need much more in depth exploration, and any change to the current situation needs to only happen after very careful consideration by all involved. IF/when it does occur, maybe slow incremental steps in staying more would be best -this would give an opportunity to see how it works in practice without having to backtrack further down the line.

There is always the fallback chore you'd give your own child..."if you're bored, there's that pile of laundry that needs folding" 😁.

Yes but that doesn't mean he listens! My DSS would need telling to do anything a million times, and would just keep coming to ask things of me.

I don't know if it is fantasy though @pictish IF it's done right.

There are many DSS specific tasks that you just don't do. Just don't do em. At all.
Leave his laundry where DH can see it and when DSS asks for xx item, refer him to his dad to ask where it is. When DH reminds you that DSS has rugby on Thursday, ask him why you need to know as he knows he'll need to come home from work early to take him. If DH says DSS will be arriving on Tuesday, say that's great. I'll be over at mum's til 5 with DC. Can you peel the spuds for dinner while you're there with DSS?

But you do need to be firm and very clear with your DH. YOU have not agreed to take on DSS for extra days, he has. And it's up to him to care for DSS.

Yes another issue. He has a particular club three times a week. DH tends not to be home in time so likely down to me again

This would infuriate me. It would be wrong for DSS to miss his activity, but it's also utterly wrong for DH to just land this on you. Do you ferry him any evenings at present? If so, then carry on with that, and tell DH that (especially absent any discussions on how all this is going to work) he has to come home the other evenings.

Also, having a latchkey and letting himself in is non-negotiable. If you're in, great, but you cannot guarantee you will be. If he does not want DSS to do that yet, then he must be the one who covers. It's really common for DC to come home from secondary and let themselves in whilst a parent is still picking up younger siblings (from school, ASC, other activity, CM etc).

As a step parent there were things I would do, like if I shopped/cooked, it was for everyone. But I didn't do all the shopping or cooking.
I did the laundry, but only if it put in the laundry basket. Room service was not available.
I didn't clean rooms and I didn't change beds, but I would remind the kids it needed doing and would put clean bedding out for them.
I didn't do school runs or holiday care, but I would drop them off occasionally and would mind them if their parents were really stuck. I can count on one hand how many times that happened.
I didn't do lifts to clubs or friends houses. I didn't arrange play dates, or hair cuts or go to parents evenings. I did go to a few school plays etc when the kids invited me.
I did make packed lunches and ensure that they had nice clothes that fit them at our house.
It never occurred to me, or their actual parents that the day to day grind of parenting was my job.
We all get on just fine. My DSC are now adults and I like them very much and we have contact independent of their Dad so they can't hate me that much.

Our child is making some good progress at their sessions on my days off and the last thing I want to do is change that around or have to juggle DSS as well causing potential disruption.

This would really concern me too. Your time off is about your DC and helping him to overcome the obstacles and challenges he is currently facing. It might become harder if you have DSS in the mix too.

@Beamur sounds like you got step parenting right. I had stepparents of my own and certainly didn't expect them to be a parent to me or DSis.

And my first SM (an actual evil SM who was a nasty piece of work) didn't parent her own children who she rarely saw, my dad never expected her to parent us.

She did however take great joy knowing I'd had to walk (in 1st year) and get multiple buses to school in another town when I stayed with them that took me well over an hour with another 40 min wait at school when there was actually a bus that went straight to school that stopped right at the end of their driveway.
It was a 20 minute journey the opposite direction that I never knew about. I didn't know about it as I had to walk all the way to town to get my first bus a good hour before the direct bus came.

She laughed when we found out she had made me leave the house not much after 7am when I could have set off for a 20 minute journey over an hour later.
SM had been the one to give the instructions to walk to town No.1 to get to school just to be a bitch.

As long as OP isn't cruel or ignorant to DSS then she's fine. She doesn't need to parent him. She only needs to be nice to him.

Of course you should get a say. If my 11 year old step child wanted to live here I would want to be consulted. To just say they don't need much care is rubbish, of course they do. It's a whole other person to clean up after, washing their clothes, more food shopping, packed lunches for school. Considering whether you need to be home for when they return etc etc.
I personally wouldn't be happy with this in my situation as my OH works all the time too and I wouldn't take on another child and all their needs unless my OH made sure he would be tending to their needs. Doing their washing, cooking, cleaning up after. Like you say, he has two parents and your not one of them!

WTF? The OP hasn't said the boy's mother is shunting him around or isn't mothering properly. OP's said the oppposite. The mother doesn't want the boy to spend more time at the father's and less at hers. But some posters always like to blame the mother.

This one is most definitely not the mothers’ fault. Presumably the mother knows fine well that her ex will just be passing on all the work to the nearest woman (from experience) but she’s trying to do what’s best for her child, who has asked to be at his dad’s more.