AIBU to think husband can't just unilaterally decide DSC is staying more

[OkayPig]

DSS is 11 and wants to stay with us more (currently 2 nights per week) he has some friends around here as we are closer to his new secondary school so I suspect that's probably why.

Husband is talking as if it's a done thing but I've told him to put the brakes on a second and think how this is going to work.

Currently I do basically 90% of everything for our child and at home. He's a bit of a workaholic, will leave at the crack of dawn to go to work and as such, I work my part time hours (3.5 days worth of hours but over 3 days) so that I can be around to take our child to nursery and collect them afterwards. Our child also has a couple of ongoing issues at the moment and on my days off I have quite a few appointments and classes to attend (official classes they've been referred to by our doctor and HV like speech therapy and play sessions etc..).

He does bring in the majority of the money so I appreciate it's not as easy as just not working but as I say, I'm responsible for pretty much most of everything else. He did say I didn't need to go back to work but I wanted to keep my fingers in the pie so to speak and I managed to fit this around our child and their current needs.

I feel like he's assuming nothing will need to change for him and I can just slot DSS into my normal day without even discussing it with me or how it will work. I do not want to just unilaterally take on another child majority of the time without even a consideration or thought as to how it will affect me and the time I have. I went part time so I could be available for our child and their needs, not so I could be doing everything for his son too who has a mother and father.

His mum isn't happy about it but has said if it's really what he wants she will agree.

I think DH needs to look at what he can change himself to be around more if he agrees to this or say DSS will need to stay with his mother.

Our child is making some good progress at their sessions on my days off and the last thing I want to do is change that around or have to juggle DSS as well causing potential disruption.

You've become the de facto parent in this trio of adults who are in his life. It's quite horrid for the boy, who definitely will need guidance, supervision, and support into his teen years. And who will be very aware that his presence is seen as a burden, being shunted around by everyone. Its not fair on you or him.

OP has already said this 11 year old is not like that. They don't all look after themselves.

I wouldn't be happy if I was his mum, I'd trial it if that's what he really wanted but I wouldn't be pleased at the situation particularly as his DDad isn't even there no matter how nice you are.

At his age a flexible arrangement might work well, he and his parents need to look at the week/month ahead and see where he is going to stay and on nights it's most appropriate, it requires organisation and communications and that may not be possible. Then, put it in all of your phone calendars so that you can see whose where.

Your DH is unreasonable for expecting you to take on any extra responsibilities particularly without discussing it with you first.

Again, he is welcome. But I want to know what DH is going to do in terms of the additional work i.e. at home, washing, tidying, cooking, shopping, running to activities, holiday care etc..

Not much by the looks of things so far! What incentive does your DH have to change?

Sorry last reply is to AllDelicious

I guess the incentive for him is whether he wants his son to be here more or not. Because it's not happening unless he commits to doing more.

I’d be saying no unless DH is available to take him to all the extra club slots, take him to school and back and to make sure he’s home for when he finishes school.

If he’s not then he can’t stay extra as it’s not your job.

Not if they don't have to/don't get the chance, no.

You can't have a situation where an 11yo is told no, not welcome at his parent's house. Millions of working parents have to find a way.

You can absolutely tell a child NO if their dad isn’t around to look after them!

If your DH is planning on just carrying on as before, I think that’s what you should do too. Continue with your regular activities with DS and don’t swap things round and automatically be home when DSS is coming back from school or whatever. Make your DH and DSS come up with the solutions about how it’s going to work. When DH realises it’s all going tits up, he might put his foot down and tell DSS he’s got to go back to his mum’s.

As DSS gets older and does become more independent, you can look at the proposal again then.

I'd be mad as hell if a DP told me how I would be spending my time when it's to his benefit and my detriment. It's controlling and disrespectful.

Not if they don't have to/don't get the chance, no.

Yes, and it's his parents job to teach him that. If my DSS, who doesn't take care of himself, was at home with me, he'd be following me around expecting entertainment and for me to do things for him. I couldn't simply say "you need to take care of yourself" and he would do it. He would need to be raised significantly differently by his parents to get to that point.

You can't have a situation where an 11yo is told no, not welcome at his parent's house. Millions of working parents have to find a way

You can if their parent isn't home. Many parents DON'T find a way to facilitate them being home alone and they end up in some form of childcare instead. It's up to the parent whether they want to facilitate them being in the house or not.

Of he needs to discuss it with you, although I can see that if it’s what his son wants it’s hard to say no.

Think through what you need in terms of help from him and outsourcing (cleaner etc) and discuss it. You are not unpaid childcare.

Do not give up your job to look after his child. That is a poor life decision.

Tbh it sounds as if DH doesn’t do much parenting of your child together either.

obviously More of the parenting is going to fall to you as you only work part time, but by the way you say things it sounds as if he’s not really that involved even when he is there.

But am 11yo doesn't need anyone there after school . The boy will have to decide what he wants to do about the activities if he can't get to them/can't persuade mum to keep taking him, but he doesn't need looking after.

If OP wasn't there, but he still wanted to base himself at dad's house after school, he could.

Personally, if your husband’s income currently allows you to work part time while maintaining a nice quality of life, I’d be helping out as much as I could.

See I don't see it this way. The husband can only work these hours because OP is taking care of his child for him. She is doing his share of child raising for him as well as her own share. Her staying home 4 days a week doesn't sound like a walk in the park with all the other stuff she has to do such as the cleaner's job, the chef's, the housekeeper's and the PA's job.

I feel sorry for the boys mum as teens are so into friends that he could decide bit by bit that he wants to live with his Dad purely to be by his friends. I am sure his Mom is getting concerned about this and if it was the other way around where all friends were by his Mom his Dad wouldn't like him choosing to be there all the time. Has his Dad thought thought about how much freedom he will have around hanging out with friends as his enters the teen years. Will you be left overseeing him while his Dad works?
I think far more thought and discussion needs to go into this as teens can become expert at playing one parent off against the other in order to get more freedom. He is moving into a new stage of his life entering Secondary and l don't feel his Dad has factored that in at all. You could end up parenting a teen mostly by yourself.

Some of this you can outsource with a cleaner / PT housekeeper, some yes he is going to step up.

Work out a viable plan (I know it’s not your job but in this instance it will be more effective) and tell DH what his options are

You have hit the nail on the head. If DH wants DSS there more then he needs to be available to him and to be the person who does the parenting. There needs to be a routine where if you and DH broke up then DSS routine would be able to co to ur with DH. DSS is not your responsibility, he has two parents they need to sort childcare sure if school time and holidays

I agree with just carrying on with your routine and not taking DSS to activities or rushing to be home for him. At 11, he's safe by himself for a little bit and if the parents aren't happy, they need to sort it out. I'm not surprised that his mum is not happy though at the idea of losing time with him for him just to spend it with you (not his parent) rather than his dad.

Not if either of his parents baby him and don’t like him being left alone so the work will fall to the OP.

who’s also looking after him to cook his tea, let his mates around, ferry him to his mates, do his washing, pick up after him?

that will all fall to the OP when his dads at work so he can be told no.

Your husband has a ‘cross that bridge’ mindset because in his mind he’s already crossed it…he’ll carry on as normal and you’ll pick up the slack.

I think you’re spot on OP…I hope you can maintain your position. If your dh is available to take the extra responsibility, fine. If he simply expects that you will stretch to accommodate his wishes and his son, he can get in the sea.

A lot of parents would disagree with you there. Of course an 11 year old can handle a few hours alone but lots of people wouldn’t want that as a daily thing in terms of the kid’s development.

I also wouldn’t leave my 11 year old at home multiple days a week got hours after school.
An your once or twice a week max but it would be much better if he went to his mums when she can actually be there and present.