AIBU to think husband can't just unilaterally decide DSC is staying more

[OkayPig]

DSS is 11 and wants to stay with us more (currently 2 nights per week) he has some friends around here as we are closer to his new secondary school so I suspect that's probably why.

Husband is talking as if it's a done thing but I've told him to put the brakes on a second and think how this is going to work.

Currently I do basically 90% of everything for our child and at home. He's a bit of a workaholic, will leave at the crack of dawn to go to work and as such, I work my part time hours (3.5 days worth of hours but over 3 days) so that I can be around to take our child to nursery and collect them afterwards. Our child also has a couple of ongoing issues at the moment and on my days off I have quite a few appointments and classes to attend (official classes they've been referred to by our doctor and HV like speech therapy and play sessions etc..).

He does bring in the majority of the money so I appreciate it's not as easy as just not working but as I say, I'm responsible for pretty much most of everything else. He did say I didn't need to go back to work but I wanted to keep my fingers in the pie so to speak and I managed to fit this around our child and their current needs.

I feel like he's assuming nothing will need to change for him and I can just slot DSS into my normal day without even discussing it with me or how it will work. I do not want to just unilaterally take on another child majority of the time without even a consideration or thought as to how it will affect me and the time I have. I went part time so I could be available for our child and their needs, not so I could be doing everything for his son too who has a mother and father.

His mum isn't happy about it but has said if it's really what he wants she will agree.

I think DH needs to look at what he can change himself to be around more if he agrees to this or say DSS will need to stay with his mother.

Our child is making some good progress at their sessions on my days off and the last thing I want to do is change that around or have to juggle DSS as well causing potential disruption.

Exactly. If the OP just LOVED childcare maybe she would want to do this.

Bit she doesn’t. So she doesn’t have to do it. Also giving up your job completely is Not Smart on all sorts of levels.

This.

An 11 yr old boy needs more time with his Dad and friends. 2 days a week is very little. But as you say DH needs to step up and parent more, he can’t just sub-contract parenting to you (and that isn’t what his son needs either).

YANBU at all to not want all of the responsibility to fall to you, and to expect DH to step up and make himself more available to do stuff with DSS. It's his child, after all.

However, if he is going to potentially reduce his hours and pick up more of the slack at home, then you probably need to be prepared to increase your hours and take on a more equal share of the earning.

YANBU at all.

Providing he then takes on more of the stuff needed for our DC that's fine.

I know DH though. He's very very unlikely to want to cut any time at work.

Unfortunately their parents baby him quite a lot and he's not allowed to stay home alone.

Tell your husband that that needs to change as he's growing up. Or else he can step up and either help out with taking his younger child out for appointments or stay in with his son.

Then tell him no.

Then he's very very unlikely to spend any more time with his son.

OK, so if he refuses to cut down time at work then he needs to agree that a secondary age child is ok to stay at home on their own for a couple of hours and that DSC may not be able to attend all his after school stuff as you can get him there.

Some of the impact of having an 11 year old in your home is obvious, like extra cooking, washing, being available, having to factor him in to your plans for the day, particularly in the school holidays, ferrying him around. Some of the impact may not yet be obvious, will he get on with homework or need encouragement and support? Will he have friendship dramas he needs to be supported through? And before you know it he'll be a teenager and there may be all sorts of dramas. Secondary school kids don't need direct physical care, but they have a big impact on our lives and may need a lot of parenting. If you're the adult at home, that will fall to you.
Think you are in the right here. It smacks of sexism that your husband hasn't considered this impact, he is minimising what was traditionally women's work.

YANBU and the bridge crossing moment is now!
Is it in the kids best interest to do this? Moving home so he can hang out with friends more? High school is a time for independence, isn't it possible for him to hang out after school and then go home? How far apart do they live? How much hanging out time is there anyway if he's at a club 3 times a week?
Make it clear that you're not going to always be in, so this arrangement will mean DSC will be home alone and that's not your problem to solve.
Extra shopping/washing etc. This is going to be needed - how is Dad stepping up?
Lifts - who will be doing these? I had to chuckle at lifts to school in bad weather, that's what coats are for!

At 11 I was still slightly uneasy leaving my ds alone for long periods, but you certainly need to state that you will be leaving him for the odd short period and by 12 he will be left alone for any amount of time. If the parents don’t agree to that then it would be a no from me.

Im a step and i wouldn't be happy with this at all. Put your foot down and say no. Sounds like you have a setup that works as it is, why change it? His mum doesn't want it, you don't want it - who does it actually suit? You don't have to sacrifice yourself for your dsc's wants. All the while your dh gets to opt out of family life and everyone else is picking up the slack for him. Lazy arse.

11 year olds in the brink of puberty and a new school will need much more mental and social support not just a latchkey, a text when dinner is ready and instructions on how to use the washing machine. OP is right to have reservations. It’s a huge undertaking she wasn’t planning on going through til her own toddler is that age.

this is a great opportunity for his dad to step into his life more and provide the above and what you should be aiming for OP. Maybe give him a copy of that “how to raise boys” book to help convince him of his vital role in his sons life? 11 is definitely old enough to help with the extra chores his presence will bring.

They do grow up very quickly in that first year at secondary.

I would agree with this. I would personally tell him now of course he's welcome but you aren't lifting a finger to help. I imagine DH will have a rethink.

He's going to have to say no, then. His son wanting to stay more does not trump the fact that there is no willing childcare available for him.

Your dh needs to come up with a plan, does he even know which days at the moment? Presumably he will be cutting down on maintenance payments so he needs to put some of that into childcare and cleaning. He might be able to recruit a sixth former for example to keep an eye on him after school.

Put your feet down here op. You are absolutely right to do so.

My ex husband 'crosses that bridge when he gets there' which I only worked out in hindsight, actually meant I did all the thinking, all the worrying, and all the doing.

I put my foot down far more now, and ironically, he's stepped up.

No, he can't make decisions on your time.

Yes, it would be nice to have dss more, if he wants that, but there absolutely needs to be a discussion.

11 year olds can take anywhere between lots and no extra time. Ferrying to activities is a massive one.

Your dh needs to respect that this is a massive ask for you, and actually do something HIMSELF to facilitate it.

I think you're doing the right thing to stand firm.

Once your DH has taken a step back from work and used that additional time to spend more hours with both of his children and contribute more to the housework, then you can look into having your DSS live with you more.

But it needs to be in that order, because otherwise you will become the default parent and that's not what your DSS will want or need.

Plus your DH should really know by now that being a parent isn't just playing football with them in the park. It's washing clothes and packing lunches and cleaning toilets and floors. So if your DH isn't prepared to actually be a parent, then surely it's better his son isn't around more.

@OkayPig yep, everything you have said sounds entirely reasonable, and you are rightfully and understandably concerned about what your DH is proposing having regards to what changes HE will make. I feel alarmed for you; but you’ve got this. Some serious discussions need to take place.

Then I think your position is perfectly reasonable. He can't just demand that you take responsibility for his DS without being willing to make changes to his own life.

Your husband is being unreasonable if he is expecting you actually to 'parent' DSS in his absence but, if he insists on ploughing ahead, there are ways that you could cut the extra workload.

For example, I wouldn't be giving DSS lifts to clubs and hanging around there for him, though I might give the odd lift if convenient for me. Is there a bus he could take? If not, your husband will need to find a suitable taxi company. For laundry, your husband can do DSS's at the same time as he does his own. For food, I would always offer what we were having to anyone in the house, but with a 4yo that's likely to be fish fingers, baked potatoes or plain pasta a lot of the time. If DSS wants something else, DH can make sure there's a stash of food in the house that DSS can make himself - like sandwiches, pot noodles, cereal etc. I can't see why you'd have to cook an extra meal for DSS though. I wouldn't be supervising DSS's homework or anything like that, but obviously would be around if he wanted to chat. If DSS and your own DC get on though, DSS being there might have benefits sometimes in terms of entertaining your DC.

You’re completely right and your husband is being daft and getting carried away. I feel for you and DSS mum, and DSS because he’s too young to realise what his vision of dad and his mates will actually look like. I’m glad you’ve had sensible and supportive replies in the main. Hold firm.