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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

115 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 06:31

I have 2 DCs, my husband has 1 and they all live with us. All through July and August I have been saying to my husband that we needed to sort out childcare for next week as it's still school holidays. He kept saying 'we'll sort it out later'. Well there is no later and we still don't have childcare. Now my husband is basically saying that it's down to me and my ex to sort out childcare for our DCs and that he will sort out childcare for his DC.

I've tried to explain that we're a family and we should sort it together for all 3 but he is adamant. And now I'm struggling to find childcare for the kids when, if I'd known he was going to say this, I'd have made arrangements at the beginning of the holidays. My husband is now looking very put upon and saying he'll have to work from home with all 3 kids because I've just dumped them on him. I've pretty much used up all of my annual leave so that isn't an option, plus taking it at short notice is very frowned upon.

So how do we untangle this? Is he right in that my children aren't his responsibility? Or am I right that were a family and should sort these things out together? Should he at least said that he wasn't responsible for my children at the beginning of the holidays so that I had a chance at sorting things?

OP posts:
jsvacation · 24/08/2022 06:39

I think he's right tbh. You knew it needed sorting and he was dragging his feet so why didn't you try and sort something out for your kids.

My kids have a step-mum and I've never expected or will expect her to sort out childcare.

lickenchugget · 24/08/2022 06:40

I think when he kept saying ‘we’ll sort it later’ I would have made my your own plans for my own DC.

What has he sorted for his DC? Is it not an option for you?

FawnFrenchieMum · 24/08/2022 06:43

If they all live with you then I think I would expect to sort them all together but no way would I have left it until now to sort.

I can’t decide if your DC are your DH’s or not as you change from ‘our to ‘mine’ a few times.

What is he doing with ‘his’ kids?

MiddleParking · 24/08/2022 06:45

You’re both BU for prevaricating until now and I think YABU for doing the repeated ‘we need to sort this out’ thing - nothing’s stopping you so the obvious implication is that you were waiting for him to sort it out (I hate when my husband does the ‘we need to do x’ thing meaning he wants me to do it). Then again, if you’d said to him in July that you’d sorted it for all the kids including his you can bet that he wouldn’t have been saying only your two were your responsibility so I think everyone’s at fault here.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 06:46

You're right, I should have sorted something earlier, but I trusted him when he said 'we' would sort it. He's fine to WFH for his daughter but not all of the kids, though he has done it before and said it was fine.

I had thought (after that toddler gate crashed that BBC interview!) that if you WFH with children you had to expect interruptions and that most companies were understanding of that - but not his apparently.

But as an aside yes I should have sorted something, but it really worries me that he does not see us as a family or my DC as his responsibility, despite me looking after his DC countless times.

OP posts:
SolasAnla · 24/08/2022 06:50

You both work, so child care should have been a priority. The fact that both od you were aware that there was no care in place makes it a joint failing.
I presume that this is the first time he has decided that he is responsibility ends with his child which is something you need to discuss as a couple. But the lack of child care is a joint responsibly

FlibberFlobber1 · 24/08/2022 06:54

if I'd known he was going to say this, I'd have made arrangements at the beginning of the holidays

Why would you need to wait for him to say this before sorting childcare for YOUR children?

It sounds like you were just hoping to leave it until he had no choice but to look after your kids for you.

He's working and might be able to deal with the interruption of one child but not three. That's understandable.

Your children are the responsibility of you and your ex and you should have ensured childcare was in place before now.

It honestly sounds like you just thought he'd have them whilst he was WFH if you "left it too late" and now you don't know what to do because he won't.

Morph22010 · 24/08/2022 06:56

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 06:46

You're right, I should have sorted something earlier, but I trusted him when he said 'we' would sort it. He's fine to WFH for his daughter but not all of the kids, though he has done it before and said it was fine.

I had thought (after that toddler gate crashed that BBC interview!) that if you WFH with children you had to expect interruptions and that most companies were understanding of that - but not his apparently.

But as an aside yes I should have sorted something, but it really worries me that he does not see us as a family or my DC as his responsibility, despite me looking after his DC countless times.

I think most companies were understanding during the lockdown when there were no childcare options but now it’s very frowned upon or even not allowed at all by many if the children are under a certain age

HandbagsnGladrags · 24/08/2022 06:59

FlibberFlobber1 · 24/08/2022 06:54

if I'd known he was going to say this, I'd have made arrangements at the beginning of the holidays

Why would you need to wait for him to say this before sorting childcare for YOUR children?

It sounds like you were just hoping to leave it until he had no choice but to look after your kids for you.

He's working and might be able to deal with the interruption of one child but not three. That's understandable.

Your children are the responsibility of you and your ex and you should have ensured childcare was in place before now.

It honestly sounds like you just thought he'd have them whilst he was WFH if you "left it too late" and now you don't know what to do because he won't.

Agree with this. Also, there's a difference between WFH with one older child who can entertain himself and then throwing a toddler into the mix to can't. No way would I be able to WFH with a toddler.

lickenchugget · 24/08/2022 07:00

I had thought (after that toddler gate crashed that BBC interview!) that if you WFH with children you had to expect interruptions and that most companies were understanding of that - but not his apparently.

You are not supposed to wfh with children at my organisation. It was emergency-only for the pandemic.

Age of children is a massive factor too - one quiet teen is not the same as two under 8’s, for example.

chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 07:03

He is right but he should have said this when you asked the first time or you should have been persistent until it was sorted. His response would have given me the impression he might have been up for some kind of "you do a week then I'll do a week". But ultimately you should have pushed until something was sorted for your kids.

TheTeenageYears · 24/08/2022 07:03

What have the arrangements been through the rest of the holiday's, have they been joint (or even joint decisions)? Ages and behaviour obviously plays a part. DH could just be thinking I have one angel DC to take care of who I can easily manage around WFH but not all 3. Have you taken care of them all at all over the summer. Don't leave decisions until it's too late in future, don't leave to DH and don't be the mug who looks after his 1 DC if he isn't willing to reciprocate with your 2 DC.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 07:03

Just to clarify, my DCs are 9 and 12, his is 13 on Friday. My DCs are not my husbands.

To be honest I wasn't expecting him to sort everything but he earns a lot more than I do so I did need his help if we had to pay for holiday club. I'm now rapidly calling in all favours to cover it so no way am I expecting him to just deal with it.

I sorted out childcare for all 3 kids at the beginning of the holidays and he didn't complain then.

OP posts:
dribblewibble · 24/08/2022 07:03

Why didn't you just sort your kids yourself?

HandbagsnGladrags · 24/08/2022 07:04

Also, I would never wait for my child's stepdad to sort childcare for my child as it's not his responsibility. And vice versa. This is one of the rare times I am not on the side of the stepmum!

chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 07:05

despite me looking after his DC countless times. you know now to stop doing this

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 24/08/2022 07:07

I’m amazed you can get the older two into childcare. Most things stop at 10/11 round here. Surely they can entertain themselves round the house without being too much bother

chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 07:07

I sorted out childcare for all 3 kids at the beginning of the holidays and he didn't complain then. don't do this ever again. He's made it clear he's not up for any mutual support with the kids. Just sort out yours.

Thatsplentyjack · 24/08/2022 07:07

Not sure why you were waiting for him to sort it.

OneForTheRoadThen · 24/08/2022 07:09

I wouldn't expect DH to cover the costs of my children's holiday club, I'd expect their dad to share costs with me. Is that possible for you at all?

I feel for you about feeling you're not a team. If he's always been happy for you to cover his childcare needs but is now not happy to help you out. I can see why you're hurt.

jsvacation · 24/08/2022 07:10

So you need childcare for 1 child. Surely a 12 and 13 year old don't need childcare?

FlibberFlobber1 · 24/08/2022 07:13

I'm now rapidly calling in all favours to cover it so no way am I expecting him to just deal with it.

Only because he's now said he won't look after them, hence why I said it sounded like you just left it in the hope he'd do it.

And don't look after this again as it's clearly not reciprocated.

FlibberFlobber1 · 24/08/2022 07:15

It entirely depends on the kids too tbh as to whether they'd be a nuisance when you're WFH even at that age. They may not need watching like a small child but I know from my own DSC that arguments still happen, they are still loud sometimes and can still be known to pepper you for food or snacks or 'he won't let me use this' etc

deeperthanallroses · 24/08/2022 07:22

I sorted out childcare for all 3 kids at the beginning of the holidays and he didn't complain then.
That’s pretty clear then. you’re not a lesser human being Op, I’d sit him down, remind him of how you sorted childcare and say that’s how I define ‘we’. You said WE would sort childcare later, you meant YOU would sort it for YOUR child. Now which definition of we would you like us to work with in the future? You’re very welcome for my sorting it out for <his dc name> by the way. I demonstrated my understanding of WE then and you seemed fine with it so you can understand I didn’t realise it was one rule for you and another for me, so you have all the dc for the Monday and Tuesday of that holidays week. And if that’s really difficult it will help you communicate to me more precisely in future when you are actually just saying you will look after you and Jack and I’m on my own.

ChateauMargaux · 24/08/2022 07:23

What does 'I have sorted childcare for his child numerous times' look like? Have you taken annual leave when he hasn't, called in favours or worked from home? Have you arranged activities, camps, etc? Does much of the household admin fall on your shoulders?

I would point all of these out to him.. say you thought you were a team and not a paid admin and then stop doing anything for him and his child.