Who is being unreasonable here?

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

I have 2 DCs, my husband has 1 and they all live with us. All through July and August I have been saying to my husband that we needed to sort out childcare for next week as it's still school holidays. He kept saying 'we'll sort it out later'. Well there is no later and we still don't have childcare. Now my husband is basically saying that it's down to me and my ex to sort out childcare for our DCs and that he will sort out childcare for his DC.

I've tried to explain that we're a family and we should sort it together for all 3 but he is adamant. And now I'm struggling to find childcare for the kids when, if I'd known he was going to say this, I'd have made arrangements at the beginning of the holidays. My husband is now looking very put upon and saying he'll have to work from home with all 3 kids because I've just dumped them on him. I've pretty much used up all of my annual leave so that isn't an option, plus taking it at short notice is very frowned upon.

So how do we untangle this? Is he right in that my children aren't his responsibility? Or am I right that were a family and should sort these things out together? Should he at least said that he wasn't responsible for my children at the beginning of the holidays so that I had a chance at sorting things?

Thanks for replying. I don't understand though, if the childcare you arranged didn't involve paying for it, why did your DH say that he'll now cope as he didn't want to pay for childcare? Is he just being completely contrary and obstructive? In which case why not tell him he's not making sense with his reasoning?

I'm so sorry you're questioning your marriage and things are so difficult.

@DuchessDarty basically the childcare I had organised is in dribs and drabs, the boys' dad is WFH one day and will have them, my dad and stepmom will have them one day and my friend the other, leaving one day unaccounted for which is when I was going to put them into a holiday camp. So now he's saying not to put them in holiday camp and he'll cope with it as it's just for one day. I guess my view is that if he can do it for one day he can do it for the 4 days but again, as I've never WFH maybe this is unreasonable of me.

Yes one day wfh is very different from four days wfh.
You can organise your diary to do admin work which is non time critical - in case you get interrupted for one day, not so much for four.

Oh ok it wasn't clear he meant just for one day.

No I wouldn't assume that if he can do it for one he can do it for 4, there is a big difference. Has he said he would do it for the four days now?

With respect I think you seem naive about WFH.

Sorry but yes. One day is very different to four.

People like to think it's ok for dc to interrupt work whilst wfh, because they've seen it on the tv, but it's really not. I've wfh for years and I find it very unprofessional when children gate crash meetings. I think it was acceptable during Covid, but not anymore, certainly not when you've had opportunities to arrange childcare.

I could maybe manage my dc 1 day a week but I'd need the rest of the week to catch up and carry out my normal duties

I think you're both as bad as each other.

You should have communicated months ago about plans for childcare. Once it was clear he wasn't willing to commit to anything, you should have organised your two and said "ive done xyz for my two, do you want me to see if they'll have your DD too?"

WFH with one teen who will just need a reminder to get out of bed and to make some lunch is very different to 3 preteen/teens who might squabble. Might play noisily. Might want different lunches, lose tech passwords, forget their key when they go out, ask for a lift somewhere, set off the smoke alarm making toast etc.

And WFH with 3 kids of this age might be tolerable for a day, but Very different for 4 days.

Add a MIL into the mix (where do you keep the iron Jim, would you like a cup of tea, is it ok if I get the deckchair out, what time shall I put the dinner on...)

Jim's employer won't be very impressed and there could well be a policy about wFH while providing childcare.

But he seems to have taken himself out of the family discussions and pulling his weight. Not knowing his MH difficulties it might be reasonable or not if him. But you don't sound happy.

Time to talk.

Ok so maybe I am naive about WFH it I've been home when he's been 'working' and I've seen him take himself off to:-
A) get his haircut
B) see a man about a roof box
C) play his guitar
D) get a blowjob from me (sorry for TMI but am trying to give an indication of what his WFH is like)

So it definitely didn't strike me that he had to professionally sit at his computer from 9-5

There's also been ongoing problems about how he can take time away from his computer to pick his daughter up from school but won't do it for either of my children.

I think this is just the tip of the iceberg I'm giving as an example here or maybe the straw that broke the camel's back which is why I'm reacting the way I have. I don't want to drip feed.

So your children are treated like second class citizens. You’re on hand to satisfy his sexual whims while he is supposed to be working. What are you gaining from this marriage?

Missing a call and calling someone back is completely different to having kids screaming, shouting or running around in the background of the same call.

Why not get your mum to stay?

Would your kids enjoy it?

If he's got an office he can hole himself up in he'll barely see her!

Oh OP my heart goes out to you (and your kids) he just doesn't seem to feel the same as you do.
Either you're all one family or your not. If it's fine for you to sort childcare etc for all 3
It's fine for him to do also.
He wants his cake & to eat it & I would be questioning.
He's being a twat & to be Frank next holidays I would go & organise something fab for my two & not even mention it to him.

He can see how it feels when your kids aren't treated equally.
Fuming on your behalf.

@MyGhastIsFlabbered* There's also been ongoing problems about how he can take time away from his computer to pick his daughter up from school but won't do it for either of my children.

I think this is just the tip of the iceberg I'm giving as an example here or maybe the straw that broke the camel's back which is why I'm reacting the way I have. I don't want to drip feed.*

I think this is a relationship problem within blended family if that makes sense.

Some people view relationships as a one way street but others view it as a two way street (and how that two way street is created it matters little)

I suspect if you had a Dc together he would still leave you to do the childcare element and not do any himself or do a min amount.

It sounds like you are feeling unappreciated and it's unfair currently and from what you have stated I totally think he deserves a large bump to the head.

Is it just this element that he acts selfishly or just around this ?

I don't personally think anyone should be childcare for either of the children unless a rarity or explicitly agreed and favour returned in kind. Just because in my opinion as lovely as you are, the kids will want to see dad on contact and people aren't tools to be used. I would say that if you were sm/sd.

But I think it sounds like you have been taken advantage of and that needs addressing.

Just because in my opinion as lovely as you are, the kids will want to see dad on contact and people aren't tools to be used. I would say that if you were sm/sd.

The OP said all 3 children live with them. So contact isn’t relevant here.

I can see both sides of this OP. You hope you can be a fully blended family, helping each other look after all the kids. That’s lovely in theory.

In practice, I can see from your DP’s point of view that treating the DC as both of yours to some intents and purposes is unfair on him. You said you expect/want/need him to pay for your DC’s childcare. He has one child who is nearly 13, you have two, one of which is 9. 13 year olds need far less supervision.

He is effectively legally obliged pick up his own child from school (although the child is old enough to get home by themselves no?) He isn’t legally obliged to pick up house unless a legal guardian. Collecting a 13 yo from school involves less fuss than collecting a 9 yo as the 13yo can definitely walk out themselves, 9 yo May need to be collected.
The 13yo’s school may be nearer etc.

It does sound like you’re unhappy and frustrated and I hope you can sort it.

“Pick up house” should be pick up yours!

@DuchessDarty The OP said all 3 children live with them. So contact isn’t relevant here.

Many apologies I must have missed where op stated that the kids are full time at one house...

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I assume you’re being sarcastic?

The OP didn’t specifically say there full time at one house, but that definitely seems to be the case given that, as well as saying “living with us”, the OP talks about childcare for the entire summer. She mentions her DC being at their Dad’s but nothing about her SD’s being at her mother’s. She says she was looking after the SD on Mondays even where her DC’s were at their Dads.

You assumed wrong genuinely thought I just have missed something 😵‍💫

That said if they aren't full time, my comment re contact is fairly relevant because it swings both ways and you know what they say about making assumptions 😁

OP you keep avoiding the question of why do a 12 and 13 year old need childcare?

But @pitchforksandflamethrowers it’s clear they are full time or as close to dammit

I think it is your responsibility and if I was you I would have sorted my DC when he was dragging his heels.

However if your A/L has spanned this holiday and whilst on A/L you have looked after his kid, then he is being unreasonable. And I wouldn't be looking after his kid for him again either!

Getting a haircut can be scheduled, as can the other things you've mentioned, looking after a young child can't be scheduled or cancelled.

You can't tell an 8 year old not to interrupt you until 1.30pm. Little Freddie please don't need a poo until, 10am, I can then play with you at 11am for an hour, you won't burst into a meeting requesting food at 3pm and don't shove Lego up your nose until 4pm as I'm with a customer until then.

My 12 year old needs childcare, all children are different, why does it matter if they do

Nearly 13 year old stepdaughter is on the autistic spectrum but I suspect a lot of her needing my childcare is more about him being unwilling to accept she's growing up. I don't think my 12 year old does need childcare but my husband is unwilling to accept my son having 'privileges' that his daughter doesn't have (such as being trusted to walk home from school unsupervised). And he's adamant he won't WFH with more than his daughter there for more than one day (which I guess is an improvement on this morning when it was no days).

Because I'm feeling petty and a bit cheesed off I'm reciprocating regarding laundry...he put some washing out earlier and I've left his stuff on the line. He can iron his own bloody shirt too.

And re the scheduling thing...these aren't young children - the youngest is nearly 10. They CAN be reasoned with...to an extent.

And my husband works in engineering - he doesn't have 'customers'