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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

115 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 06:31

I have 2 DCs, my husband has 1 and they all live with us. All through July and August I have been saying to my husband that we needed to sort out childcare for next week as it's still school holidays. He kept saying 'we'll sort it out later'. Well there is no later and we still don't have childcare. Now my husband is basically saying that it's down to me and my ex to sort out childcare for our DCs and that he will sort out childcare for his DC.

I've tried to explain that we're a family and we should sort it together for all 3 but he is adamant. And now I'm struggling to find childcare for the kids when, if I'd known he was going to say this, I'd have made arrangements at the beginning of the holidays. My husband is now looking very put upon and saying he'll have to work from home with all 3 kids because I've just dumped them on him. I've pretty much used up all of my annual leave so that isn't an option, plus taking it at short notice is very frowned upon.

So how do we untangle this? Is he right in that my children aren't his responsibility? Or am I right that were a family and should sort these things out together? Should he at least said that he wasn't responsible for my children at the beginning of the holidays so that I had a chance at sorting things?

OP posts:

Relocatiorelocation · 24/08/2022 07:23

OP your H is being a shit.

I'm laughing at everyone piling on saying you should have sorted it / you should pay for it....Where's the famous MN "it's all family money, everything in the joint account" bollocks?

If all 3 dc live with you full time you are a really truly blended family, and all dc should be planned for together her IMO. How terrible that he'd let you look after his dc for weeks, now it's back against the wall time they are split back into separate families.

I'd be sitting down with him and having a serious chat about responsibilities, boundaries and parenting.

focuspocus · 24/08/2022 07:25

You are trying to treat your family as just that, a family and make family arrangements. Having a sc who is so close in age to yours too. It sounds like you would find it mean to sort out just your own kids. I don't think you were waiting on him to look after yours. Who paid for the children to be in holiday club last time? If he is contributing towards your children does he resent that?

Do the kids all get along? If you were to put your in a holiday club would your sc be happy to have the house alone with dad working so they get to chill or do what they want or would they feel left out?

Next time you have holidays to arrange just do yours, tell him and put the details somewhere visible to the whole family. On the fridge, one of those family calendars or something?

I hate the thinking that people should just do these things because their partners won't. Why does one get the option to check out with no come back and not the other?

FlibberFlobber1 · 24/08/2022 07:28

Has he done anything during the holidays for your kids?

As in, have you both taken some annual leave and looked after each others children during that time and it's only this last week that he's saying you sort yours and I'll sort mine because he's working and doesn't want all 3 at home?

Or has he just left all the kids with you and not done anything during the holidays?

MichelleScarn · 24/08/2022 07:29

What childcare is there for a 12 and 13 yo? There's some sports camps here but nothing else really.
It does sound with the toddler gate comment you had hoped he would just keep them at home?

Stag82 · 24/08/2022 07:35

It’s written into my contract that I cannot be in charge of children whilst working (I wfh). I sort a childcare rota beginning of July.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 24/08/2022 07:37

A few things stand out for me...

You say he said "we" would sort it but you're part of the we and you knew nothing was happening yet it was getting closer. If I were you I'd have sorted something.

No, it shouldn't be the norm that people wfh with children can be interrupted (like the journalist during covid). He's paid to do a job and he can't do that effectively with young children around. Yes, at a push it's doable (let down by childminder eg) but not as a "we just haven't sorted anything for this week".

You now know your husbands stance on things. Do with that what you will - sort childcare for his child and be the bigger person OR sort childcare for yours and let him face the consequences when he realises he has none.

Baconking · 24/08/2022 07:44

If DH wasn't working from home wouldn't you just be leaving the older 2 at home and arranging childcare for the youngest?

How much care do they need? My 11 year old is home with me when wfh and she pretty much looks after herself.

FlibberFlobber1 · 24/08/2022 07:44

You say he said "we" would sort it but you're part of the we and you knew nothing was happening yet it was getting closer. If I were you I'd have sorted something.

This is why I think it sounds like OP was just hoping he'd do it because he's WFH anyway. Because we includes OP too and she also didn't bother to arrange anything.

TooHotToTangoToo · 24/08/2022 07:47

Stable door and bolted, but you should have sorted it. When my exdh said 'oh we'll sort it later', I soon found out he meant 'you sort is as I can't be arsed'

I also think now it's dday, and he's realised he's left it too late, he's saying to sort your own, because they will need formal childcare and can't be left to fend for themselves, and his can. I bet if you'd both sorted it earlier he'd have put them all in the same pot. But you know now, next time the line 'we'll do it later' is trotted out, just sort your own camp out and leave him to it

GrazingSheep · 24/08/2022 07:48

let him face the consequences when he realises he has none.

His child is 13

girlmom21 · 24/08/2022 07:49

I think you're as bad as each other.

Kids that age can entertain themselves for a few hours. One of you can make them some lunch, hire a bouncy castle for the garden and give them a Netflix account. They'll be fine.

37GoingUnder · 24/08/2022 07:50

It’s one of those nuances of a blended family isn’t it, sometimes things like this happen and you get wrong footed. It’s annoying and can feel unfair even if some looking from the outside in say it isn’t. If it was me, if I had no other choice, I’d pay my way out of it this time and put them in holiday club and I’d learn from it and have a clear plan for childcare my own two kids going forward.

rookiemere · 24/08/2022 07:54

It's only the 9 year old that really needed childcare sorting.
At a pinch the 12 year old could have been home alone most days, and certainly I wouldn't expect to be arranging much for a 13 year old.
You should have pinned him down about arrangements much earlier, or just gone ahead and made them as its your DCs that need the childcare.

capedavenger · 24/08/2022 07:56

Surely only your 9 year old really needs to be somewhere else? A 12 and 13 year old can entertain themselves. Maybe leave them a few jobs to do?

I suspect there's a backstory here about him leaving everything childcare related to you so you were trying to prove a point?

Because otherwise you have appeared to have made a mountain out of a molehill by wanting him to help you with this simple task.

It seems like he's happy to have his own child with him whilst he works which sounds reasonable because they're older. So sorting the youngest child would be down to you.

gogohmm · 24/08/2022 08:00

To be honest, at 9&12 I would trust them at home with him wfh as long as no sn nor other specific issues. I left mine at 10&12 for an hour (overlap between exh and me)

gogohmm · 24/08/2022 08:01

I would slip the older 2 a bribe to entertain the younger

Superfrog3 · 24/08/2022 08:02

A lot of people here talking about your children so it's down to you and not him. I don't agree with this, if your raising your kids as one big family then that's what you are. You wouldn't cook dinner just for your kids and tell him to feed his kids or take just your children on a day out and leave step children at home ( I'm assuming). To suggest step parents have no responsibility over step children is very black and white and I don't think I would want to be part of that family. Surely whilst the children are with you it's both of your problem.

You made it clear that childcare was needed for all of them, so it's unfair for him to separate them at the last minute and say I'll sort mine, you sort yours. He knew he would just be able to WFH with his and I'm assuming that's not an option for you.

Equally saying that though maybe leaving childcare to the last minute isn't a great idea but I'm assuming you know that now. Really hope you find something and your children enjoy the last of their holidays 😊

Soontobe60 · 24/08/2022 08:07

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 07:03

Just to clarify, my DCs are 9 and 12, his is 13 on Friday. My DCs are not my husbands.

To be honest I wasn't expecting him to sort everything but he earns a lot more than I do so I did need his help if we had to pay for holiday club. I'm now rapidly calling in all favours to cover it so no way am I expecting him to just deal with it.

I sorted out childcare for all 3 kids at the beginning of the holidays and he didn't complain then.

YABU if you expected your dh to pay for childcare for your dc.
the vast majority of parents organise their childcare well in advance of the school holidays. The pair of you should have sat down at the end of June with your calendars and worked out whet the arrangements should be. Neither of you did that, so you’re both BU. Lesson learned here - make sure you plan for October half term asap!

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 24/08/2022 08:07

I'm not gonna lie I came over to say I think your being unreasonable in your assumptions.

But

The rub actually is that you have done this in the past and shoes on the other foot and DP isn't willing for it to cut both ways.

Your unreasonable to assume that he could work with three kids at home. 2 of which are younger and will need more input. I did this during pandemic and made me want to blow brains out. Now my company 100% wouldn't allow it.

He's unreasonable to basically stall and not tell you about the childcare split in his eyes and leave you scrabbling for childcare.

What's needed is a open conversation re childcare and what happens if it needs to be covered going forward and stick to it.

I suspect finances is also a sticking point for you guys so you need to have a chat about that too tbh.

It's very un Mn protocol but me and DH don't split finances. That said because he's on lesser wage than me we even the score up so to speak, so even though we don't pool the money we are a team and I would help him in a heartbeat.

Talk about it, it's lack of communication that usually kills a marriage flat.

chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 08:09

girlmom21 · 24/08/2022 07:49

I think you're as bad as each other.

Kids that age can entertain themselves for a few hours. One of you can make them some lunch, hire a bouncy castle for the garden and give them a Netflix account. They'll be fine.

Hire a bouncy castle?! Genius!!

Original poster

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 08:19

I've never WFH so maybe I was unreasonable to think he could do it with 3 kids (though he HAS done it before and said it was fine). I was saying for weeks if not months we didn't have a plan for all of the holidays and that we needed to get organised. In the past I've sorted most holiday cover for all the kids but there's always been this me/him divide on his part.

But because he did it in the past I guess I did think him saying 'don't worry we'll sort it' meant he was fine doing it again. My mistake and I won't do it again.

I have Mondays off and over the holidays I've always been very careful not to make my own plans and looked after his daughter on those Mondays even when my own boys were with their dad. I won't do that again.

OP posts:

Shelby2010 · 24/08/2022 08:19

He was expecting you to sort it out, and at the back of his mind was the knowledge that his 13y old doesn’t need childcare, so if nothing happened it’s still your problem. So yes he’s a bit selfish/lazy & I would be keeping an eye on how much of the mental load is falling to you.
However, it’s not exactly a surprise that the kids aren’t back at school yet & it’s the 9y old that needs proper childcare - so YABU to not have arranged something for that child sooner.
I wouldn’t leave the other 2 at home all day on their own, but they should be able to take care of themselves if DP is WFH. I don’t think there is even formal childcare available for that age group?

diddl · 24/08/2022 08:22

He'll sort childcare for his own child-a 13yr old & he WFH?

Well that's his childcare sorted isn't it?

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 24/08/2022 08:23

@MyGhastIsFlabbered I have Mondays off and over the holidays I've always been very careful not to make my own plans and looked after his daughter on those Mondays even when my own boys were with their dad. I won't do that again.

This is fair tbh. You also aren't default childcare. Reclaim Mondays and maybe hire that bouncy castle like @girlmom21 suggested get some vino in and have a enjoyable bounce in the peace and quite ?

That sounds to me tbh just like heaven.

Ponderingwindow · 24/08/2022 08:43

He wasn’t really worrying about child care because a 13 yo doesn’t need child care in this scenario. The 9 yo does. A 12 yo is going to depend on personality and if having both the 12 and 13 yo present is going to create a dynamic that generates problems.

how do you even get to the start of break without having the whole holiday mapped out? Everything near me books up months in advance of the break.

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