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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

115 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 06:31

I have 2 DCs, my husband has 1 and they all live with us. All through July and August I have been saying to my husband that we needed to sort out childcare for next week as it's still school holidays. He kept saying 'we'll sort it out later'. Well there is no later and we still don't have childcare. Now my husband is basically saying that it's down to me and my ex to sort out childcare for our DCs and that he will sort out childcare for his DC.

I've tried to explain that we're a family and we should sort it together for all 3 but he is adamant. And now I'm struggling to find childcare for the kids when, if I'd known he was going to say this, I'd have made arrangements at the beginning of the holidays. My husband is now looking very put upon and saying he'll have to work from home with all 3 kids because I've just dumped them on him. I've pretty much used up all of my annual leave so that isn't an option, plus taking it at short notice is very frowned upon.

So how do we untangle this? Is he right in that my children aren't his responsibility? Or am I right that were a family and should sort these things out together? Should he at least said that he wasn't responsible for my children at the beginning of the holidays so that I had a chance at sorting things?

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 24/08/2022 08:50

Where's your children's father in this?

lalaloopyhead · 24/08/2022 08:56

I think the attitude of step parents shouldn't do anything for their step kids is sad, particularly when they live together.
Maybe I just got lucky but my DH treats my kids like his own (I have two, we share 1). He looked after them when they were younger when neccesary and gives them lifts/picks them up from work now they are older. I can't imagine a world where he would say 'they are not my kids, sort it yourself' because we are a family and to be honest because I wouldn't accept anything less for my children.

FlibberFlobber1 · 24/08/2022 09:05

I don't think the OP has answered though whether he has looked after them at all through the holiday.

If they have both helped each other out during the holidays (it sounds like he paid for her DC to go to clubs so he's clearly not refusing to do anything at all for her kids), then I don't think it's unreasonable for him to expect OP to sort her child out (the only one who actually needs proper childcare) for one week of the holidays considering he's working.

It sounds very much like OP was hoping he'd just have them because he was WFH so didn't bother to arrange anything. That's not on.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 09:06

@lalaloopyhead that's my thinking and how I treat his daughter. But I'm starting to see it isn't good enough for my kids and I'm wondering what the future holds for us as a family. Anyone familiar with my threads will know this is a common theme, not a one off for me and honestly, I don't know if we will stay together if he can't step up.

The boys dad is involved with them but tells me he gets 4 weeks leave a year and that's all he can do...which leaves me with the other 9 weeks to sort. He's always been like this and it's very frustrating but he won't budge.

OP posts:
Drinkingpop · 24/08/2022 09:06

I think it's really shitty that he wasn't explicit that he wasn't going to do anything with your kids. If he'd said this clearly in the beginning you'd be in a better place. However, i am questioning a relationship where he is happy for you to look after his DC, but won't return the favour.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 24/08/2022 09:43

I just never get this whole he pays for his child I pay for mine.

DH and I are a family - if we need childcare for DS1 (mine but not DH's) - we pay

If we need nursery for DS2 (mine and DH's) - we pay.

There has never ever been an attitude of "he's not mine so I'm not paying" from DH. Money is just our money, one pot.
DH also earns far more than me (I'm PT while DS2 is in nursery because 60 a day is ridiculous but he's never seen it as his and mine, just ours.

DH has always maintained that he knew I came as a package and it would never be a chain of he takes me but that my DS is separate to that.
Surely if you're at the point of creating a family - ie, blending two households to create a new family, then the his child, her child goes out the window??

Honeyroar · 24/08/2022 09:48

I’m with you. I’d think of us as a family and a unit, so childcare would be sorted out for them all, not separately for his and yours. (I’m a stepmum, but no children of my own, and was always involved in childcare arrangements when my stepson was little).

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2022 10:01

You’re either a team or you’re not. You need to be on the same page, use a shared calendar and both plan ahead.

ItWasntMyFault · 24/08/2022 10:33

Surely if he can work from home then the kids can do their own thing?
None of them should need any 'care' other than an adult being there in an emergency.

If he needs to go out the home to work then pay the older two extra pocket money to keep an eye on the younger one for a couple of hours.

thefamilyupstairs · 24/08/2022 10:43

The crux of the issue is that he doesn't see you as a family unit. Do your dc a favour OP and move on. They deserve better.

HandbagsnGladrags · 24/08/2022 10:49

Milkand2sugarsplease · 24/08/2022 09:43

I just never get this whole he pays for his child I pay for mine.

DH and I are a family - if we need childcare for DS1 (mine but not DH's) - we pay

If we need nursery for DS2 (mine and DH's) - we pay.

There has never ever been an attitude of "he's not mine so I'm not paying" from DH. Money is just our money, one pot.
DH also earns far more than me (I'm PT while DS2 is in nursery because 60 a day is ridiculous but he's never seen it as his and mine, just ours.

DH has always maintained that he knew I came as a package and it would never be a chain of he takes me but that my DS is separate to that.
Surely if you're at the point of creating a family - ie, blending two households to create a new family, then the his child, her child goes out the window??

That's fine if that's what you want to do and you're both happy with it. But not all blended families run their finances like that, and that's also ok.

BodenCardiganNot · 24/08/2022 10:52

But I'm starting to see it isn't good enough for my kids and I'm wondering what the future holds for us as a family. Anyone familiar with my threads will know this is a common theme, not a one off for me and honestly, I don't know if we will stay together if he can't step up.

Do your children like living with him and his child?

CatLadyDrinksGin · 24/08/2022 10:55

It’s only your 9 year old who needs childcare though so it is your job to sort that out!

Owlsinmybedroom · 24/08/2022 11:06

I had thought (after that toddler gate crashed that BBC interview!) that if you WFH with children you had to expect interruptions and that most companies were understanding of that - but not his apparently.

bit of a difference between a pandemic and normally and tbh I would be a bit pissed if I was him at an assumption that its fine for his work to be interrupted because he's got the kids at home

However, I do feel for you with the 'we'll sort it later'. When my DH says this he actually means he is waiting for me to sort it. I've realised I have to say 'No we need to sort it now' or if I am waiting for him to contribute it never gets done.

Tbf it sounds like you have an ex and a current DH problem. Both seem to think of you as a default child care person and they only need to do the bits they have decided are their's and then the rest unilaterally falls to you.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 11:53

Now...having run my arse ragged trying to sort this and having come up with 4 days cover he now says he doesn't want to 'waste' money on childcare and he will 'work around it'. I think the threat of my mother coming to stay scared him into action! Fuming doesn't even begin to cover how I'm feeling right now

OP posts:
BodenCardiganNot · 24/08/2022 12:15

Have you told him you're fuming? Does he care?

HandbagsnGladrags · 24/08/2022 12:30

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 11:53

Now...having run my arse ragged trying to sort this and having come up with 4 days cover he now says he doesn't want to 'waste' money on childcare and he will 'work around it'. I think the threat of my mother coming to stay scared him into action! Fuming doesn't even begin to cover how I'm feeling right now

I think a punch in the face is in order then. He's being a contrary twat.

chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 13:04

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 11:53

Now...having run my arse ragged trying to sort this and having come up with 4 days cover he now says he doesn't want to 'waste' money on childcare and he will 'work around it'. I think the threat of my mother coming to stay scared him into action! Fuming doesn't even begin to cover how I'm feeling right now

"No no, like you said my kids are my responsibility plus MIL is looking forward to spending time with them every day"

DuchessDarty · 24/08/2022 13:09

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 11:53

Now...having run my arse ragged trying to sort this and having come up with 4 days cover he now says he doesn't want to 'waste' money on childcare and he will 'work around it'. I think the threat of my mother coming to stay scared him into action! Fuming doesn't even begin to cover how I'm feeling right now

But will he be paying for your children’s childcare?

Either way, I may be wrong but reading between the lines, it sounds like he is quite dominant in making decisions and you are either happy to follow his lead or feel like you need to. It doesn’t sound like you’re an equal partnership nor the type of blended family arrangement you hoped you would have.

DuchessDarty · 24/08/2022 13:10

chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 13:04

"No no, like you said my kids are my responsibility plus MIL is looking forward to spending time with them every day"

Show quote history
Grin
Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 13:14

@chillipenguin don't tempt me!

OP posts:
Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 24/08/2022 13:17

@DuchessDarty we're now not paying for any childcare as, having begged pretty much everyone I know, I have managed to find people to look after them every day next week bar one. My husband is going through a bit of a rough patch with his MH (but that's a whole different thread) and a lot of the time it's just easier to go with his decisions rather than argue them. But no, we're not the blended family I hoped we'd be by this point. Our first wedding anniversary is weeks away and honestly...I'm questioning it.

OP posts:
NewMum0305 · 24/08/2022 13:19

OP, I think you’ve gotten an unfairly hard time on her but Mumsnet users have really hardline (and in my view, bizarre) views on step-parenting. The idea that three children living in the same household should be treated as “your kids” and “his kids” is just ridiculous.

Whether or not you should have assumed your DH would care for them all while working from home when he hadn’t said as such is a different issue (and I am also a little surprise a 12 and 13 year old need childcare at all?)

To me, the issue isn’t the holidays or childcare, it’s whether you and your DH are and treat your family unit in the same way - and if not, what that means in the long term.

Morph22010 · 24/08/2022 14:16

jsvacation · 24/08/2022 07:10

So you need childcare for 1 child. Surely a 12 and 13 year old don't need childcare?

Depends on child I wouldn’t leave my 12 year home alone except for about an hour

Drinkingpop · 24/08/2022 14:25

So you can't challenge DH because of his mental health? Well that works out well for him doesn't it. Even if he has mental health problems, this doesn't mean you have no needs or no right to them being met.