Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

[Cantbedoingwithit1]

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

TBH I have a toddler and would have no qualms taking her out somewhere without my biological older kids if I had any.

I do exactly this. I have a 3 year old and I also have older children who are 7, 9 and 11. All my kids.
Nobody bats an eyelid that I take her to places while her older siblings are at school. It’s just such a normal thing to do. I did it with all of them when they were toddlers.

OP is doing no different, but because the older ones are stepchildren it means it’s unfair.

I think that as you have already made arrangements with your will, you are half way to leaving this bell-end of a man. Complete the journey...

He’s outsourced his parenting to you. It’s become your responsibility to make sure they have fun on his time, not his. They he can’t sit back and think what a great dad he is.
All those posters having a go at OP, that’s what’s happening. If she does this she is just enabling his poor parenting.

You need to ask what his plans would be if you split up and he needed the kids minding. What activities is he going to plan with 2 teens and a small child, because of obviously he will, being a great dad.

I have a friend with teens and a toddler. They do different things. Personally I’d be tempted to take the older ones to a toddler activity and see what he says.

I'm wondering how assertive you are with your dh. I get the impression he is constantly attacking you and so all your discussion is defending yourself.
You need to launch and challenge back. If you haven't, ask him why he doesn't do whatever activity alone with his daughters? Put some pressure back on him.

If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them

This shit drives me mad. These men fail to realise that actually it's their (as in his) behaviour that ends up translating into a dislike of the DSC and everything to do with them. Talk about a self fulfilling prophecy.

OP you are so not unreasonable.

Good on you for making it clear.

I remember your last thread. You need to make it clear that you are not prepared to go on like this. Let him work out how he's going to manage his DC's

Tell him it is not your fault that him and his ex got divorced when they had 2 kids.

A lot to this. I think some men think they can divorce their ex then still play happy families with their children, just swapping a new woman in for the old one, despite the fact that that's not what the children, ex wife or new wife want to do.

I've been with my dh for many years . His ( now adult , but were teenagers ) have never felt like my dc , because they are not .

are you actually prepared to DO something about this op? Only you appear to post vents on here but not actually rand any steps to address the issues
you have to stop pandering to him and his ridiculous attitude and lazy parenting. For anything to change, YOU have to change

Maybe you enjoy being a doormat but many of us don't.

I think this problem sometimes occurs when the father has zero respect for his ex wife and so completely mentally discounts time, attention, experiences and presents that his older children receive in her household. In his mind his new wife is the (improved!) replacement for his ex-wife. Even though this is not how it feels at all for anyone else involved. So he’s trying to treat all his children the same, imagining that they just sort if stop existing or at least all nice things stop when they are not in his household. Which, again, is not how anyone else sees the situation!
Things need to be fair at the times when all the kids are all in the same household.

My friend is divorced and her exDH is remarried with a toddler. Her teens hate being dragged round everywhere with a child prone to tantrums who requires all the attention. They find they step-mum difficult. They would love time alone with their dad, but find he is trying to push this new family on him, so often avoid going so they can just stay with their mum.

"Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids"

His kids already have a mother;you are your DC's only mum;they don't have a step mum too.

Does he regret having your DC with you? he accuses you of disliking your SC yet he seems resentful of your joint DC.It's also very hypocritical of him especially seeing as he dumps his kids on you instead of looking after them himself.

Maybe it's time he grew some balls and stands up to the ex;going to court for set contact times should stop her antics with withholding custody and means he can arrange his work schedule to look after them.

He's a CF.

I agree with this comment as my ex does that. He acts like I don’t really exist and even dresses my daughter and her little sister with his now wife exactly the same. Even my dd finds this odd and doesn’t like it.

He completely disregards all of my hard work since he only has her twice a week and leaves her with his wife most of the time.

May I add I have strong suspicions my ex is narcissist and if that is the ex with the husband in this case I would run for the hills and never look back. Everything becomes a minefield with them.

@JessesMum777888

your step kids trash your house?!

why?!

and you allow this?!

why?!

This is so insightful. He is the star and the person playing his wife has changed so he expects her to slot in to suit him rather than appreciating he's in a whole new play.

It was in response to the person on the quote history saying that you need to treat step children like you do your own. You don't, because it isn't the SM role to mother them, or parent them for that matter.
The role of SM needs to be different from that of bio mother.

And OP don't get any tips from JessiesMum Do people really think that all children have to do the same, even bio children have different treats and experiences.

I really think that person was being sarcastic and was actually having a pop at the OP.

Some people do assume that they are taking the moral high ground in asserting that the children must all be treated exactly the same. And you must treat them like you are their mother. Most definitely.

But, it’s clear that those people really haven’t thought any of it through. Even superficially.

There’s absolutely no thought to the fact that most SC have a mother. They don’t want another one. Even where they no longer have a living mother (which is the minority by a long way), they often do not want another woman trying to assume that mantle. The mother doesn’t want it either. Ever. For abundantly obvious reasons.

The father doesn’t even really want that. He wants her to take on all the work and responsibility and to selflessly devote herself to the children. But rarely does he want her to have the other side of motherhood, the big where she makes decisions and has opinions and doesn’t just act like a happy nanny/housekeeper.

Then there’s the more complex stuff that mean it’s literally impossible to treat the children ‘the same’. Not even for their father! Some of the children live with him FT; some PT. The NR children have their main home elsewhere, with another parent who parents as she sees fit. That means he cannot possibly treat them the same for so many reasons.

The resident child inevitably has their home life disrupted and altered as their half siblings come and go. It’s often much more disruptive for the younger, resident child because the households orient around the SC wherever they go. They move between two households that are more or less stable in their experience of them. The resident child has a household that offers no stability. It shifts and changes according to the contact schedule in really profound ways. They feel the absence of their half siblings and the presence, and it’s not necessarily easy for them emotionally. Especially not when the adults are of the view that they should be grateful for their luck in always living in this fluctuating household, unlike the ‘poor SC’ who are victims of divorce. Moralising posters on MN are determined to ignore and deny this.

It’s literally impossible to divide up the time with them ‘equally’. He could completely ignore his resident child on the SC contact weekends and ensure that they get 100% of his attention in the 50% or less of the time he’s with them. But that’s emotionally abusive to the child who suddenly stops mattering the instant their half siblings show up. Or he can ignore the resident child and refuse to spend time with them unless the SC are there. Because otherwise it’s just not fair on the SC. The child whose their 100% of the time gets treated like a NR child in all sorts of weird ways, while everyone assumes they’re so privileged because their parents live together.

It’s always complex. even without adding in all the additional stuff that comes with Disney dad attitudes, guilt ridden prioritisation of the SC, antagonistic exes and fear based fathering (although they’re never as fearful of becoming an NRP to their youngest child as they should be; they’re too busy fearing their older children not wanting to see them, that they don’t see the risk that they’ll end up an NRP to all their kids).

It’s bloody important that the resident child(ren) can feel that their parents love them best of all. Just as the SC can feel that their parents love them best of all. They have to share their father’s best of all, but it is not harmful to recognise that someone who isn’t your mother feels differently about their children and you. That’s actually totally healthy.

But, it’s much easier to not engage your brain and lecture someone dealing with the fall out from all this complexity about how she shouldn’t have ‘gotten with a man with kids’ if she wasn’t going to be their mum. 🙄

Yep.

There comes a time where you have to shit or get off the pot.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

As mothers we are routinely told how important getting a break or some time alone, is.

But we're not entitled to it if we get involved with a man with children? Right. That'll be why there are so many resentful step parents then. Utter lunacy.

I think this is by far the best post I have seen on this board. Brilliantly put.

The resident child inevitably has their home life disrupted and altered as their half siblings come and go. It’s often much more disruptive for the younger, resident child because the households orient around the SC wherever they go. They move between two households that are more or less stable in their experience of them. The resident child has a household that offers no stability. It shifts and changes according to the contact schedule in really profound ways. They feel the absence of their half siblings and the presence, and it’s not necessarily easy for them emotionally. Especially not when the adults are of the view that they should be grateful for their luck in always living in this fluctuating household, unlike the ‘poor SC’ who are victims of divorce. Moralising posters on MN are determined to ignore and deny this.

@SudocremOnEverything This is really well observed, and doesn't get nearly enough attention.

I really like this comment because I do believe it is true about the resident child. My daughter goes there twice a week and seems to be the only time their father is around a little bit. Rest of the time he’s off doing his own thing, that’s why I left.

Although my ex would never admit in million years as his ego wouldn’t allow it. He knows deep down he his the reason we split up and suffers some kind of guilt.

I thought it was the biggest nightmare when he had a child 1 year after we split but to be honest my child has a great life she’s happy and well adjusted because I make our home stable and peaceful and we do lots together.

May I add if you asked him it would be a totally different story but it isn’t. That’s exactly how it is and I have been living it for 7 years.