Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

[Cantbedoingwithit1]

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

I don't think I've read the other thread but this doesn't seem like a 'wicked stepmother' to me. It stinks however of a dad who doesn't want to make an effort with any of his kids and is emotionally blackmailing OP into making the effort for him. I'd be kicking his butt into stepping up but making plans to get the hell out of there in the highly likely event that he can't/won't step up

The saddest thing reading these comments is the way these poor kids come across as an inconvenience and that step mum shouldn’t really be involved
Their dad is creating this through his unreasonable behaviour though. If he's going to continue to ride roughshod over OPs life and plans and ram his kids at her at the snap of his ex's fingers, and resent every nice thing she does with her own child of course she's going be inconvenienced and feel resentful.
I bet your dad actually treated your DSM with respect and that's why your relationships worked out to be so warm and rewarding.

This issue isn't a wicked stepmother it's an abusive arsehole problem. He is the issue not the dsc

This would infuriate me too OP.

I’d be tempted to tell him I’ve agreed to look after a DN or a friend’s child for the day, but I won’t be there so he’ll have to do it. See how flexible he’s feeling then. He shouldn’t be agreeing to anything that involves you (especially something to benefit his ex) without asking you.

My XP tried this once and I told him where to go. Said I was happy to help HIM on his days but no way was I taking on childcare to help his ex because she was too disorganised to arrange holiday care for her own kids.

Next time he moans just say “oh so you’ve booked it for your DCs - you should have said, let me know which date and I’ll see if we can coordinate with my friend so we can all go on the same day. What? You haven’t booked anything for your own kids? So why would I have done?” Dickhead

Has he always been like this dumping his kids on you and assuming you'd be up for childcare duties but you've only just noticed/it's become an issue with your own Dc?

There's a lot to unpick. But mostly his offloading parental duties to you. And his inability to talk like an adult about the situation

I get it as a step parent sometimes you might have to help out but in what world is it acceptable to dump kids (yours, his, anyones) on someone without asking first? Or then getting in a huff because you have the temerity to actually have plans?

I'm assuming you also have set times with the step Dc and it's all fine? He's around and sees his own kids and doesn't rely on you? Makes plans to go to this activity they're desperate to go to?

I feel for you OP, I went through all this when my DSC were young, my DS is younger than them too, and my DH couldn’t understand at first why I prioritised my own DC over his with his ex wife.

There’s the point, they have their OWN mother to do these things with. I’m their STEPmother, not their actual mum. One of my DSC came to live with us for a few years when she wasn’t getting in with her own mum, and of course then I included her in everything myself and DD did, because it would have been mean not to. Your DH needs to give his head a wobble, your Dc has a mum, your dsc have a different mum. End of story

He’s being ridiculous. Of course you should be able to do things with your DD while his children are at school!! Your DD is still pre school aged, so your life is centred around doing things term time and that suit a toddler. It won’t be long before she’s in school and you’ll never get this precious time back. Why should you hold back just because he has older children?

I have a 3 year old and I have 3 older children who are in school. All my own kids. I don’t hold off taking DD to the farm, playcentre, trampoline park etc… while they’re at school. But that’s ok because they’re all my own kids and it’s just normal. Different for you because you’re a stepmum obv 🙄.

These men really annoy me they do.
One poster couldn’t even get her child’s hair because her husband didn’t think it was fair when his older child was with their mum therefore wouldn’t get a hair cut too on that particular day. Ridiculous.

I think you're massively U and I am 100% of the opinion that you should not get yourself into a relationship involving stepchildren if you're not prepared to care for them exactly as you care for your own children in every way, and even to make up the shortfall if your partner's ex is neglectful or even just can't afford the same level of activities, clothes, gifts, etc, that you can afford for your biological child. That doesn't mean you can't have an outing with just one child- even if you have two bio children you still sometimes want to give one or the other special attention- but your non-bio child should get the same level of special attention another time.

I realise that I am probably the only person on Mumsnet who feels this way, so not to worry, you'll get all the affirmation you're after here. I just hope your stepchild is ok in the end.

OP,
The reason this happens is your primary function is to be skivvy aupair for this man an his children.

You are staff.
His priority is to make his life as easy as possible.

His child with you is not his priority or even of equal standing.

He bullys you and nags you because he is controlling.

The fact that you can't make plans without explaining yourself and have to be available to mind his children at any time is really fxxked up.

But it is a regular tale on MN.

This will be your life now and for as long as you remain with him and are needed for skivvying au pair duties.

He will not changed because he really isn't a nice man.
You are seeing the real him.
A controlling bully when you don't do what he wants.

He doesn't consult you regarding looking after his children because he neither gives a shit about what you want and wether it suits you.

He hasn't an ounce of respect for you.

I hope your contraception is bullet proof.
Don't have another child with him.

Start thinking hard about what you want for your child and for you.

Is this really what you want?

Take a break and go and stay with your parents.

You need space away from him.

And this is her responsibility, not the responsibility of their father (who is doing nothing) of their mother (whose shortfalls you think she should be making up), why? Why is she required to fulfil the role of her DSC two live biological parents?

And why is she the unreasonable one in your view, as opposed to their father who is throwing tantrums but not actually doing anything with them?

Do step children want this though? Do they want their dad's wife to convert themselves into a mother figure? Do they want to go and visit their step mother's family or would they rather just be at one if their homes with one if their parents?

I would start a new rule, that if he agrees to take the DSC outside of the normal schedule, he does the childcare. You won't be doing any more ad hoc childcare.

Yes, it's harsh. Yes, perhaps it's a bit unreasonable. But he's taking the pee, and until you can trust him not to do that anymore, you've got to protect yourself.

Do bio mums want this. Posters would be up in arms if step mum started taking over mum roles.

But OP isn't maliciously excluding her SC. She's taking her much younger child out for the day so that she can do what that child wants at the times that child can get there rather than having to worry about 2 preteens. TBH I have a toddler and would have no qualms taking her out somewhere without my biological older kids if I had any. I have taken my similar aged nephew out with my dd and left his preteen sisters as I know they're just not going to he interested in doing the same things DD and DN are so it gives the little ones time to enjoy quality time, time that the preteens would have enjoyed at the same age without their younger brother/my dd. Factor in that some places eg legoland/alton towers are exponentially more expensive in the school holidays than out (you can get a parent toddler ticket for £25) and it's not even unreasonable to go without biological older siblings never mind SC who are only there certain times and who's mum sounds flaky at best. My take on this is that DH is being a pita because he's lazy and disengaged with the kids he created, nothing more.

He’s manipulating and gaslighting you. That’s not on. Put your foot down and say no. If he kicks off, let him. What’s he actually going to do? Say no, mean it and don’t discuss it further. If he sulks, gives silent treatment, accuses you of ridiculous things, ask him what he’s doing with someone he clearly despises so much.

Mum is the least important person in this scenario. This is shit all to do with her

Dad needs to sort himself our or I wouldn't blame OP if she left

Additionally, even in a nuclear family, one partner being this controlling would be a problem. There's not a chance in hell my DH would ever think he was entitled to this level of unilaterally decided solo childcare from me to accommodate his plans changing, and the DC are both of ours.

@wallpoppy This is a very idealistic view which is completely unworkable in the real world. Every family dynamic is different. This would be completely inappropriate and unnecessary in many families, but fine in others. I have had four step parents and my DP has three kids. Every situation was difficult. I have two very loving and involved parents. As a child I massively resented the one step parent who tried to be a parent and blurred those lines. I am involved with my DP’s kids and enjoy our time together but I would never discipline them or worry about them the way I do with my own.

This is what I was wondering as it does seem like the only solution.

OP I am totally with you on this (and do have experience of blended families). I would also add that with my children as well as all going out together (3 children) I also took them out 1 at a time regularly. Your DH needs to get a grip!

I don't have much to add, I don't think you are being reasonable OP, and it sounds like you are a good step parent. Just to say I have a lot of respect for people navigating step parenting roles who work with everyone's best interest at heart. It is not the easiest thing to do (I have been the child of a step parent and I know how difficult I was!)

I think he is very unreasonable. Presumably if you were the one with 3 kids and he the one with only one child together you would still do things with the littlest while the Two elder were at their dads. Also I know lots of non blended families who do different outings with the children especially if there is an age gap.

OP, when you told DP that your DC will always take priority over his DC, was this true?
From reading your post it sounds like you prioritise and treat all of the children equally when you are looking after them. Looking after your step children when your partner works, considering what places they would like and are age appropriate etc - these are all signs that you step up and are a good parent to your DSC when they are with you. I think it’s worth trying to have a conversation with your partner before this spirals and he continues with this belief that you don’t prioritise his children. From what I have read, you clearly do.

As a SP, I completely understand why you wouldn’t put your DC’s experiences on hold when you’re SC aren’t there. I would stand firm on this view - you don’t take you’re DC out to the detriment of your DSC, you take DC out so that she can have experiences and opportunities to bond with you both. I think your DP needs to manage his ‘guilt’ towards your DSC before it has an affect on the DC you share together. Maybe ask him to think about the experience of your DC, how will she feel growing up knowing her experiences were limited due to DSC?

I hope you’re able to talk it through - it sounds like you had a great set up pre-DC so it’s just how it’ll work in this new dynamic now.

I’d be telling him he backs off with trying to get you to parent his kids. If not, it will be another child he has whom he only sees every so often. And mean child will always be your priority over his. If he can’t see that then he has a problem.

If he continues to try to foist his kids on you when you want 121 time with your DC, then I’d be putting big barriers in. I like PP’s points about making a will and leaving everything to your DC - just to protect their future.

Don’t get with a man with kids if you want days alone or just with your family then.
it’s hard , it’s fucking hard and had I known would I of done it ? Ask me when they’ve not trashed the house , argued and been pains in the arse. Ask me today and id do it all in a heart beat.
BUT I’ve done it… and these 2 will never be made to feel any different than mine.
If I want a day alone and all of Our kids are are home , I piss off out and leave them all with Dad/Step dad.
it’s not about you, the minute you get with a man with kids , ALL the kids become a priority.