School Uniform

[loosebutton]

Hi my DH pays the CMS amount to his ex for the DSC, he is of the understanding that this is it. That's all he has to pay. Anything else extra is on top, so he pays for half their music lessons and the school trips. I'm asking because his ex has asked him for half the school uniform money for the last few years. He paid half when the eldest went up to secondary school but he said at the time this was a one off and he couldn't do it every year. Anyway he's received a stream of angry messages about it this year and a demand for money. Is he right? The CMS is it and uniform costs are factored into their calculation? Is there anywhere that tells you officially how they've worked it out?

That will just be confusing and doesn't take into account that he pays towards this house but not their mums house. Too many variables. But yes I get the principle.

Oops sorry that was a reply to @beachcitygirl

OPs child also won't cost the same as they have one home and one bedroom and one set of clothes to pay for etc etc. That's aside from discretionary differences in spending priorities. This is not difficult to grasp.
OP has also stated he pays towards trips and extra curriculars above the maintenance so not sure what all the screeching about "Bare minimum" is all about.

Its because women love to hate the "new wife" and underneath it all believe men should fully fund their children and not move on without consulting their ex wife.

Its somehow seen as acceptable to expect a man to fund two homes almost entirely, pay for extras and be happy with whatever access he's offered.

Hi @loosebutton fwiw it's clear you're trying to do the right thing. Many don't understand/know that cms is a minimum out in place because some men otherwise wouldn't give at all.
There are so so so many day to day things you'll know yourself that dads probably wouldn't think of
Eg presents for a pals party, non-uniform day charity donation, a wee comic or sweet here and there, swimming, it adds up.
Also adding in the extra showers & heating with winter approaching and electricity prices going through the roof.

Whilst I don't know her or your figures - your dh should try to be as scrupulously fair as possible & give all his kids the same standard of life and comfort.

What his ex does can't be controlled & no one on here know the in's & outs
But

I think if you or under he can genuinely and quietly hand on heart looking in a mirror tell yourself that his other kids get the same standard of life as yours get as best as humanly possible. Then your doing ok.

@Yousee there's no screeching. Just a fact stated. Cms is the bare legal minimum.

No resident parent spends just the legal bare minimum on caring & providing for their child

But again, the bare legal minimum could be £7 or £700. I assure you there are parents who spend less than £700 a month on their child (I'm one of them!) Some people don't even earn that much.

Its absolutely ignorant to say RPs spend more when every maintenance payment is different. I don't spend on my child what DH pays in maintenance. Equally when his ex paid us maintenance it didn't cover barely anything, however it's based on earnings and she didn't suddenly become richer when they split!

but being mortgage free is obviously a massive factor. That child has a stable home and the parent doesn't have the biggest expense to pay (where the nrp probably does!) So their outgoings are likely less

not having the biggest expense to pay doesn’t somehow absolve the other parent of their responsibilities towards their child.

athe biggest expense for many is childcare.

Where have I said it absolves any responsibility. Oh yes, I haven't!

Its a big factor. Childcare is also a big factor (again, nobody said otherwise) but it should be taken into account. If one parent is mortgage free, comfortably off and receives maintenance where the other has a massive rent or mortgage payment, pays the maintenance and obviously pays for things for the child in their contact time, common sense dictates that maybe the well off parent just pays for the uniform. If the NRP was mortgage free I'd say the same. There's so much focus on "pay your half" people actually seem to completely forget it's about the welfare of the child. Its madness.

CMS should be better and more specific and take more factors into account to avoid this back and forth about who pays for the uniform etc etc. There's too much room for conflict.

Well I'm the only wife, so no. Not projection but nice try!

It doesn't seem to be the case that "two sets of children" can't be afforded, does it? That sounds more like projection to me.

When was the ex living mortgage free established? As far as I can see the OP has said the ex lives rent free so she could have her rent paid as she's a low earner on UC.

especially in cases like this where the mum has the kids a lot more

Actually, breaking it down, the ratio in this case is 40:60. Mum has the children for a total of 66 more days in the year than Dad does. If Dad increased his days by only 3 days per month, he would actually have them more than Mum.

I think if you or under he can genuinely and quietly hand on heart looking in a mirror tell yourself that his other kids get the same standard of life as yours get as best as humanly possible. Then your doing ok. thank you. Their "standard of life" if measured in physical things etc is better at their mums.

She inherited a house hth

I'm a high earner and in the instance me and DP parted ways, I would absolutely still expect him to shoulder a good portion of the financial costs of raising our DD. Mortgage free or not.

The way I would see it is, I haven't worked my arse off to provide what I have, for him to then sit and feather his own nest whilst I brunt most of the cost of raising our child.

And if it's gone through the CMS and mediation then i'm going to assume he is paying the minimum he can get away with in relation to his earnings. Whilst still might be a high amount, the CMS amount really is base minimum.

Growing up, my dad used to pay my mum the absolute minimum he could get away with. It was pitiful. My mum gave us everything she could and it was obvious. My other siblings on my dads side now have uni costs paid, deposits put down for them on houses, cars bought on milestone birthdays... funnily enough I also saw him EOW growing up.

The end result is I think my dad is a bit of a wanker and always will. My step-dad on the other hand is a god amongst men in my eyes. When I think back, I remember being taught to swim by SD, him teaching me how to read, saving like a madman to take us on family holidays every year.

The kids do pick up on these things.

Over 2 months more, thats a lot, yes. Sounds even more when you say it like.

@beachcitygirl it's funny, the screeching seems to get shriller and shriller the more times OP, myself and other posters have to repeat that OPs DH pays more than CMS. So he's not paying the "bare legal minimum" no matter how much some posters would love it.

Why has my post been deleted?

Advanced search is interesting, I presume as mumsnet provide that function we can use it. I think some people on here forget that.

Because you made a personal attack @LookingOverHereAllNight . You can advance search me as much as you want. I am on the only wife, DH has never been married before. Hth.

It's not when you consider that an increase of 3 days per month would have Mum paying Dad instead, or when you put it as Dad does 5 months worth and Mum does 7 months worth. It's a difference, yes, but not a huge one.

I think good parents should want their children to have decent lives and if you’re a high earner then you want to provide for your children in line with that. I’d want my dc in private school (public school in the uk I think?) and Dh and I to share the substantial costs of that, including the uniform.

re your comment that the mum doesn’t need breakfast club op, I think you missed the point. If the dc lived with their dad the amount of time they live with their mum currently, he would need to pay breakfast club and depending on their age after school club. That’s the cost of children when you both work, but he’s not paying it- he’s getting the benefit of a wife, which the cms payment does not consider it at all. We will next year have a nanny 2 days a week, and 2 Dc in childcare 3 days a week with the 3rd in after school care those days, I’m not sure whcih days we will have before school care, and we will run around like mad trying to get them there and pick them up and do a days work. Not having to do all that 5 days a week is worth many £000s.

@deeperthanallroses I see yes that makes sense. Anyway. We've found the handy guide for them to go to so hopefully it will all get sorted. Thanks for everyone's help.

Only he doesn’t do that does he, mum has them more, over 2 months more. It’s a huge difference.

Yes, hence why he pays maintenance. that is quite literally the point.