School Uniform

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Hi my DH pays the CMS amount to his ex for the DSC, he is of the understanding that this is it. That's all he has to pay. Anything else extra is on top, so he pays for half their music lessons and the school trips. I'm asking because his ex has asked him for half the school uniform money for the last few years. He paid half when the eldest went up to secondary school but he said at the time this was a one off and he couldn't do it every year. Anyway he's received a stream of angry messages about it this year and a demand for money. Is he right? The CMS is it and uniform costs are factored into their calculation? Is there anywhere that tells you officially how they've worked it out?

I’m feeling personally attacked again over here. Should I report? 😭😭😭

Thank you!

I'm not sure why a man dumping his DC to do the bare minimum in contact and CMS means that because our DC are with me the majority of the time that childcare costs are fully mine
The childcare costs aren't fully yours. That's why I said "assuming that's a 50/50 cost, his share is £142.50 not the full £285", which makes your £15 leftover figure meaningless as you aren't comparing the same things.
Unless I misunderstood you and it's actually £285 X2 (per child) and not £285 X1 (for one child).

Hi all. Just dropping by to say that we don't allow trollhunting on the boards.
We've removed a few recent posts because they're taking the discussion off topic and not really helping the OP. As always, if you have concerns about a post or poster then please report to us - we're always fine to have a look behind the scenes.
MNHQ

@mattressspring but he does pay over the maintenance, clubs, music lessons etc. at some point you have to draw a line

He pays half. So why not half the uniform?

Equally, you could ask why is it an extra and not already included within the existing payments?

Equally, you could ask why is it an extra and not already included within the existing payments?

That's the whole point of the thread.

Exactly. Arguably it's not an extra and therefore maintenance should already cover it but as we can see from this thread many disagree!

But it's based on a %age of the NRP income. It's not based on what it costs to raise a child!

two NRP, might have a 10yo each, at the same school, same hobbies, etc

one NRP pays £50 pm
one NRP pays £500pm

Neither relates, in ANY way, to how much that child costs to raise!

They cannot possibly say it should cover

Food
1/5th of rent & utility bills
50% of clothing/uniform/activities.

NRP should realise the burden for the vast majority of expenses falls on the RP & pay accordingly. Not as little as they can get away with, to raise children they chose to bring into the world.

It comes back to that 50%. If Dad's payments are small, he isn't hitting the 50% when added to what he pays during his time, and should pay half of uniform costs so Mum is being reasonable. If Dad's payments are larger, he's hitting or exceeding that 50% and so, no, his contribution to uniform costs has already been covered and Mum is being unreasonable.

For some reason OP don’t say the amount he pays on an anonymous forum so 11 pages later it’s pointless. I think if he was paying a lot, she’d have said the amount by now.

Its hardly a surprise is it? I wouldn't either. It could be £1000 a month and some body would still come and say "poor kids" call her vile or refer to her husband as a "Prince of a man". Naming numbers is asking for abuse on here.

If OP revealed his salary and maintenance payment and it was fair, she’d have most posters on side. OP knows that. I think it’s obvious that he’s not paying much at all due to her reluctance to say the amount.

I think poor kids because their dad is clearly incapable of just asking his ex to talk and sort it out. The kids will be aware of bad feeling. He’s risking his relationship with his kids long term if they have the impression or rightful opinion that dad is trying to not pay for their needs of doesn’t have a good relationship with their mum who they are with more of the time. Does he want his kids to not speak to him in future because that’s what can happen.

What amount is "fair"?

I'd suggest your second point works both ways. I'd also suggest good parents try not to make their dislike of each other known, and never discuss financial issues with their children.

How do you know he hasn't tried to sort it with his ex, out of interest? The sheer fact op is asking this suggests he is in fact trying to find a way to sort it out.

An amount they discuss and agree on is fair.

It would be strange for her not to mention if there had been a discussion and she talks about having a starting point. That implies talks haven’t really happened. If he has tried, discussions need to continue until an acceptable amount is agreed on. It sounds like he’s trying to lower payments with the variation. Trying to get confirmation that uniform is included isn’t the sign of a man willing to pay more so hardly trying to sort it to everyone’s satisfaction.

Kids will almost always pick up on issues no matter how much you think you are hiding it from them. A comment here, a facial expression there, an overheard phone call etc. And as the kids get older, the actions of a father not paying enough for his children should be made known to the children if that’s the case. It’s silly to say children shouldn’t know the type of man their father is.

The negative comments from OP about the children’s mother are very wrong. I’d be surprised if the children aren’t aware of what she thinks of their mum. And the children apparently reporting to OP and their dad about what their mum said about not getting a better job,.... I wonder how that conversation came about. 🤔 So yes, poor kids.

An amount they discuss and agree on is fair
Right - but her posting that here helps how then? Because you said if it's fair everyone will be nice but now apparently any amount could be fair. What do you deem fair?

The op can say what she wants about their mum on an anonymous forum and vice versa that has absolutely no bearing on how she acts around the children. Most people are able to control their emotions.

I haven't said children shouldn't know the type of man their father is. I've said they shouldn't be dragged into financial issues. However as a responsible parent, id let them find out for themselves (as I did). It helps nobody telling your children how daddy won't pay for this and daddy doesn't do that and including them in the drama.

What "type of man" is their father? Based on what you actually know and not the story you're fabricating in your head?

You're making all kinds of wild assumptions based on very little information.

Also why should he be willing to pay more simply because his ex demands it?

Some aspects of this thread are really disturbing. I’m glad there’s a safe place for stepparents to vent about these things...I’m also glad that the DC/DSC children of the household probably don’t read these threads. My parents were divorced and my wonderful stepfather (whom I lived with since age 4) didn’t complain or begrudge whatever he was forced to spend on me, within my hearing. I do remember my mother complaining to me about my father financially, though.

Unsurprisingly I absolutely hate depending on other people to buy me things.
I’ve always felt like a burden....and I’m wondering how much of these kinds of discussions between my parents I overheard as a kid.

It’s a good thing I never heard them complaining about who had to pay for my food (other threads), or exactly how the appropriate cost of food for me to eat was calculated by the government. Knowing that your parents argue about your food costs seems like a good recipe for an eating disorder.

I will never understand why men are allowed to pay or do the bare minimum for their dc, my ex who is a low earner pays £170pm for my 2 dc (it was more but his other child’s mum also made a claim and reduced my dcs payments) anyway, both of mine are starting secondary this year and their uniforms have cost me close to £800 which is two of everything. I have told him he needs to put his hands in his pocket and stump up half, I refuse to be solely responsible for always being the one who pays through the roof, when I wasn’t the only one making them.

I do also work full time and do earn more than him, I receive no benefits other than child benefit. In the last 6 weeks alone I have paid out almost twice my salary just for holiday clubs, just so I can work he has not paid a penny. I pay for all activities, food, gas, rent and clothing for them, his £170 barely touches the sides of what needs to be paid for them and as it needs to be split between two, there isn’t much you can buy for two big 11 year olds.

Schools can be unforgiving when it comes to their uniform requirements and dress code policies. Unexpected growth spurts, accidental damages and losses all add to the overall costings. His children's mother isn't being at all unreasonable to request and expect him to help cover this expenditure because child maintenance assessors don't enquire which school a child goes to in order for them to work out how much maintenance needs to be paid.

Also, and I say this kindly - it really is irrelevant what the children's mother does with her time, how often she works or whether she pays rent or not; they are his children and they existed before he chose to create a new family.

He should pay up and thank the mother of his children for her continued emotional labour 24/7 of raising their children.

it was more but his other child’s mum also made a claim and reduced my dcs payments

You make it sound like it's her fault.

I will never understand why men are allowed to pay or do the bare minimum for their dc, my ex who is a low earner pays £170pm for my 2 dc

Apart from the sheer cost of the admin to keep chasing up these men - how would you make your ex suddenly earn twice the money he did when he was with you? And if you had the power to make that happen, would your marriage have split up in the first place?!

When there is a 2nd family, (on these boards anyway), it seems that the 2nd wife is the one that actually pays for, not only her child, but most of the living costs for her DH and his visiting children. Left to himself, the DH would be living in a shared house or with his parents and unable to have his children to stay. A low-earning man often stays a low-earning man - whichever woman he is currently with.

Exactly.. I've asked this many times but what does everyone think is a fair payment? Let's go for the average wage which is roughly 31k with a take-home pay (haven't included pension here) of just over £2k a month. How much do we all think maintenance should be out of that?

For reference the CMS calculator reccomends £264.73 a month based on having 1 child and having them 1-2 nights a week (based on the usual EOW)