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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

354 replies

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:15

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 07/08/2022 23:08

Hollychristmasjoy · 07/08/2022 22:36

My step daughter doesn’t have a key to our house and to be honest I can’t see her ever having one. We live 50 mins away by car so she can’t ever just be passing or pop in. She lives at her mums and visits here.

Our daughter does have a key already as it’s her home.

Show quote history

So when she visits she’s reliant on other people and can’t go out on her own?
the concept of a parents home not being the childs home is a bit alien to me. I have a key to my parents house, they have a key to mine, none of uses them to just let ourselves in without permission. I expect they’d still say it’s my home despite me not having lived there for many years. To me that’s just the parent child bond and trust

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 23:10

BungleandGeorge · 07/08/2022 20:31

Not to mention the teen is planning to spend the weekend with his friend, not with either parent. That’s just the way with 14 year olds isn’t it!

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Quite! My 13yo has started making plans with his friends and hanging out with them.

Regardless of whether a mother wants to spend time with their teenager, doesn't mean the teenager wants to, or that the mother thinks it's best for the teen to spend time with her instead of then teen's friends. It's the age when they're spreading their wings, becoming independent and making plans with friends without their parents having to arrange it. It's healthy and good parenting to foster and respect that where possible within reason!

JessesMum777888 · 07/08/2022 23:25

BishFish · 07/08/2022 17:39

@Johnnysgirl - I agree in this instance. However “he stays at your house to be with his dad” sounds a bit strange.

The OP’s house the child’s home too, where he stays part of the time as he lives between two homes - his mums and his dads, which should both feel like home to him.

When he is old enough and doesn’t need babysitting, he will presumably have his own key and be able to spend time there without an adult present, he is not a guest who just stays there occasionally.

This 🙌🏻

JessesMum777888 · 07/08/2022 23:29

SpaceshiptoMars · 07/08/2022 19:08

To all those 'it's his home, he should have the right to come and go as he pleases types', think on this.

Very often in 2nd family setups, the house is owned by the wife, insured by the wife, maintained by the wife. The DH's money is tied up in the ex's home, and that is his main asset, leaving little to put towards housing the new family.

If the SM casually allows an irresponsible DSC to take it over in her absence, she shoulders consequences if he sets light to the kitchen, say, by leaving a chip pan on the heat. If the insurance company refuse to pay out, it is SM, not Dad that is on the hook financially. And Dad may well not have the money to recompense her.

What absolute bollocks.
my home is my home … and my kids home and my step kids home.
who would even consider oh god my step kids blew the house up and now I’m not insured 🙄
Think the main issue is the Nan doesn’t really know the child. (Which is wierd in my world )but every family is different.

Goodskin46 · 07/08/2022 23:30

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 22:08

Why should DH miss a planned weekend away rather than just tell his son no? Genuinely confused by that.

Anyway have told DH it's not to happen under any circumstances and he's told DSS so I guess he'll either not go or figure something out with his mum.

Show quote history

For all the reasons you yourself pointed out. He is 14 which is a tricky age at the best of times. His parents are not together and he is finding that hard moving between 2 homes, he has a relatively new half sibling.

Part of being a parent of a teen is sometimes having to prioritise their needs. I have no idea how important this is to DSS. But I think your DH needs to find out and be open to changing his own plans if his son needs him.

JessesMum777888 · 07/08/2022 23:35

Mollymoostoo · 07/08/2022 20:32

Umm no. I have a step daughter, this is not her home, she lives with her mum and visits us to see her dad. She will never have a key or be welcome to come and go as she pleases. When she has her home, I will not have a key and be welcome to come and go either. People should have boundaries and sorry but just because my husband had a child with someone, I don't have to let them do whatever they want in my home.

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Wow.
is Your step daughter called Cinderella ?

fastandthecurious1 · 07/08/2022 23:36

You and dad aren't home that weekend so it's a outright no sorry it can't be done no more reason needed than that. If DH is out out by that then he has to decide between your weekend away and he kids request.

Lilithslove · 07/08/2022 23:42

BungleandGeorge · 07/08/2022 22:30

People don’t give their own children a key to their house? Do they have to stay under house arrest when they’re staying with you? What happens if both parents have new partners? They don’t get a key anywhere?

Dsd's have a key here but they don't come over when DH isn't here and I would certainly never ask my mum to provide childcare for them here.

ImustLearn2Cook · 07/08/2022 23:57

I’m sure it won’t inconvenience dss too much to visit his friend from his mum’s house as they only live 35 minutes away from yours and his dad’s house. He’ll be fine. @Weekendawaynightmare Happy Birthday and hope you have a wonderful weekend away. 🍰🥂

Ontomatopea · 08/08/2022 06:19

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 20:19

Er yeah, they do change a lot in a year… prime puberty years innit.

My comment was somewhat tongue in cheek because you’re saying/implying they’re “little” and that mothers would want to spend all the time possible with them. This mother (me) didn’t feel like that about my DC when they were 14, didn’t mean I didn’t love them completely.

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Ah right OK thanks. I'll watch out for the delightful 13 year old morphing into a 14 year old.

But anyway, point still stands, it's mum's time, he might mind so the DSC needs to ask her first before even considering it.

Ontomatopea · 08/08/2022 06:20

*She (or he I guess. The other parent might be dad too so I apologise for my assumption)

Ontomatopea · 08/08/2022 06:25

I'd imagine they have some form of relationship considering her daughter married the DSS' dad!

You'd be surprised. Covid has destroyed the last few years chance for my DSC to get to know my parents. Before that contact is only every other weekend and in the holidays, so that time is spent catching up with their actual grandparents and other relatives as well as time spent with dad. My parents have probably only seen my DSC about once a year, and it's always a bit awkward, and as the kids get older they are simply less interested in spending time getting to know my relatives, they have enough of their own. Couple with that the fact I've had DC who my parents see frequently. It just leads for a tricky dynamic.

Ontomatopea · 08/08/2022 06:27

JessesMum777888 · 07/08/2022 23:35

Wow.
is Your step daughter called Cinderella ?

Show quote history

I agree with @Mollymoostoo to be honest. I'm not letting my stepchild have a key. There is no need for it and there's no way I'm letting their mum anywhere near a key to my house.

Hollychristmasjoy · 08/08/2022 07:14

BungleandGeorge · 07/08/2022 23:08

So when she visits she’s reliant on other people and can’t go out on her own?
the concept of a parents home not being the childs home is a bit alien to me. I have a key to my parents house, they have a key to mine, none of uses them to just let ourselves in without permission. I expect they’d still say it’s my home despite me not having lived there for many years. To me that’s just the parent child bond and trust

Show quote history

Well yes she can go out if she wants but she
never does as she doesn’t have any friends this way. She sometimes goes up to the shops for snacks if she doesn’t like what we have in.

She’s never been left in the house without an adult here.

Dollyparton3 · 08/08/2022 07:50

@JessesMum777888 this house was paid for by me, furnished by me and the mortgage and deeds are in my name. DH works solely to provide for his ex wife and kids.

True story

SandyY2K · 08/08/2022 08:28

I agree with you OP and my back up plan would be that your mum looks after your toddler at her house and then if your husband wants his sin there in his own...that's up to him.

His answer should be no, because we're away.

SpaceshiptoMars · 08/08/2022 08:52

JessesMum777888 · 07/08/2022 23:29

What absolute bollocks.
my home is my home … and my kids home and my step kids home.
who would even consider oh god my step kids blew the house up and now I’m not insured 🙄
Think the main issue is the Nan doesn’t really know the child. (Which is wierd in my world )but every family is different.

Show quote history

who would even consider oh god my step kids blew the house up and now I’m not insured 🙄

Hazarding a guess, most men in this position!

And women who are used to assessing risks and caring sufficiently for their own interests as well as those of others.

itsgettingweird · 08/08/2022 09:00

Have you not blended the family above yourself?

Some step families will have all the grandchildren treated the same step or not and some are separate.

I guess the question is whether your dss has a relationship with your mum and her with him and that mutual respect so that he'll listen to her and also help out with the toddler a bit in exchange.

rookiemere · 08/08/2022 09:12

But even if the Dgran has an amazing relationship with the teen, the fact remains she has solo care of a toddler for an entire weekend, and it's the weekend that DSS is meant to be at his DMs.

As a parent I'd be happy to ferry my DS a 35 minute trip to facilitate his friendships on this occasion, so maybe the DM would as well.

It seems a more reasonable option than lumbering an additional burden on an elderly female who is already doing the family a huge favour.

ThisWasMeTooo · 08/08/2022 09:13

itsgettingweird · 08/08/2022 09:00

Have you not blended the family above yourself?

Some step families will have all the grandchildren treated the same step or not and some are separate.

I guess the question is whether your dss has a relationship with your mum and her with him and that mutual respect so that he'll listen to her and also help out with the toddler a bit in exchange.

You haven't read the thread have you?

Idontknowwhattothink · 08/08/2022 12:25

No way. You're away so that's that. I've had a near identical situation, I was mad with DH taking advantage.

Powerplant · 08/08/2022 13:31

You have definitely done the right thing in refusing his request. I agree that you shouldn’t ask your mum to be responsible for him, imagine if there was a problem that couldn’t be resolved it could result in you cutting your trip short and would you be able to fully relax?

Dollyparton3 · 08/08/2022 14:54

I think now is the time for your DH to rehearse using the word "no" and making judgement calls on this before he leans on you for your opinion again OP now that your DSS is 14. My DSS is 19 and these are some of the most amusing requests we've had over time:

Can I have my birthday party at yours because Mum won't let me have a party in her house?
Can you go and pick up a girl I want to go on a date with from 10 miles away and drop her home after?
(this was also combined with) Can a girl I've never met come to our house for a date? he was 15 when we had this request, so was she.
Can I come to yours for a sleepover with a couple of mates when you go on holiday?
Can I have your car when you buy a new one?
Can I have an £800 weights machine for the garage? you and dad would use it too loads (we wouldn't)
Can you come and pick me up from a party sometime between midnight and 2am? I'll call you to let you know when I'm ready (taxi was offered in this instance and paid for)
Can I get a cat?
Can I get a lizard?
Can you hang a basketball hoop on the side of the house? I promise I'll play with it every day (never mentioned it since)
Can my new girlfriend stay over in my room?
Can you hardwire a cable into my bedroom for gaming because then I'll get faster WIFI?
Can you get a contract for a brand new iphone and I'll pay you monthly when I get a part time job?

Can you book a caravan for me and my mates to go and stay in because they don't take bookings from groups of young lads.
The best one was last week "Can you call my mates mum because I'm due to go and pick him up in half an hour and he's not answering my texts, I think he's overslept"

All of these were met with a dry snigger and "no".

Kup · 08/08/2022 15:20

@Dollyparton3 So,e of those requests are definitely cheeky but some don't seem too bad to me. Ive happily picked up kids in the early hours and Ive put in hard wiring for gaming for example. Have you teens of your own?

husbandnet · 08/08/2022 17:52

My instinct says It's the perfect opportunity for a 14 year old to sneak round parental control. 100% he's planning something more than just a casual evening with a pal and home by 9pm. That's never gonna happen, unless you already trust him implicitly. But the fact you're asking here shows you don't